Circe's Deluded Sex Advice for Gullible People (2137 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:humour
Rating: 1.7 on 42 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-01-10 09:26:50 EST
In this post, I offered to answer any and all sex related questions: http://www.ubersite.com/m/56018
You people are freaks.
Stin asked:
"Why do men run away screaming when I get my penis out?"
Stin, it isn't the fact that you have a penis. That in itself is not necessarily a barrier to physical lovin' with a good man. I think - and I'm never wrong - that the reason they're running away is because you're chasing them down the street naked, waving your ten inch love club madly, screaming "Why won't you let me love you?" while wearing their mother's underwear as a makeshift blindfold.
DifferentTrains asked:
"I have herpes. What should I do?"
There are many options. Herpes is socially acceptable now. It's not the detriment to a happy and fulfilling sex life that it used to be. Bring your diseased cock out at family reunions, offer everybody a magic marker, and play "Connect the dots." See what shapes can be made from the oozing pustules on your infectious fuckmeat. Imagine the fun that will ensue when Great Aunt Mabel is crying out in excitement "Look! If I join the red one to the one covered in yellow pus, I can make a clown hat!" Some tequila, some snacks: Good clean fun for the family.
Ainkara said:
"I would say "Dear god, I need to get laid. Help me." but that's not really a question. So never mind me".
Get thee to a nunnery. Cleanse your tainted soul with prayer and fulfillment, and then seduce the Mother Superior. Nothing breaks a dry spell quite like an old woman thrashing underneath your mouth and cursing the God that's kept her chained all these years.
Coyote asked:
"Which fruit or vegetable makes the most unpleasant dildo/buttplug? My money's on a pineapple, but I heard habanero peppers are worse."
It really depends on what effect you're trying to achieve. For sheer eye watering, anus tearing, screaming-like-a-cat-heat agony, nothing says "I want you to be my fuck monkey" like a watermelon. You may need to tap it into place with a sledgehammer, but once it's in, it's IN. (Note: you're not doing it right until she sobbing "I can feel it in my lungs... oh god please make it stop...")
For that wonderfully subtle "My ass is on fire" effect, peel a root of ginger, carve it lovingly into a butt plug, and ram it home while she howls like a pig being dismembered. I guarantee she'll remember your name in the morning, if only to fill out the police report.
DyingBreed asked:
"may i suck your pussy til your forehead caves in?"
I can't believe you'd just stop like that, right when it's getting good. The imploding skull is a sure sign of impending orgasm... and you want to stop right there? Fucking tease.
FuckTheArmy asked:
"Okay... What every guy wants to know, but is afraid to ask: How many times a week is it safe to masturbate?"
It largely depends on your lifestyle. For example:
At home, watching porn alone: Safe.
Driving along the freeway in rush hour: Not safe.
In the bathroom at work with the door locked: Safe.
In a children's playground, surrounded by watchful parents and curious toddlers: Not safe.
In the bathroom on an airplane: Safe
In the cockpit of the airplane when you're the pilot: Not safe.
Use your best judgement. These are just guidelines.
DeathJester asked:
"What's the best way to get into a woman's knickers with full consent?"
Buy them off her for five hundred dollars. Then you can get in and out of them to your heart's content.
Burn asked:
"Here is a question: What is the most gratifying position for both the man and woman?"
Any position in which the man can watch porn and the woman can pretend this isn't happening. I recommend separate rooms for the most satisfying sexual encounters.
Ka asked:
"Talking to my man about Section 8 Eviction Noticing really turns me on, but it makes his peener go all floppy. How can I make the misdoings of errant tenants fulfil his fantasies as much as they do mine?"
This is a complex problem, with a complex solution, so pay attention:
The problem isn't making it fulfill his fantasies. It's getting him to give you satisfaction. It's okay, and nothing to be ashamed of. You're a vital, sexual, healthy woman, with the sex drive of a locker room of teenaged boys and a husband unable to give you what you need.
Tie him to the kitchen table by his wrists and ankles. Slip a large metal fish hook into the loose skin of his scrotum. He'll cry; try not to let it upset you. Attach electrical wire from the fish hook to the positive terminal of a car battery.
Ram another fish hook through the end of his penis, and attach it to the negative terminal. Be careful when attaching the leads; we don't want you to get hurt, sweetie
Let the current run through his cock and balls for a few seconds, the take one of the leads off the battery. Stick the base of a large dildo in his mouth and tell him if he doesn't hold it there - and GOOD - you'll zap his love pump again.
Now you can ride his face like you're the cowgirl you always wanted to be, reading eviction notices aloud on your way to a glorious climax.
1Point21Gigawatts asked:
"If I come to Australia or you come to New York, can we have sex?"
Read above, and reconsider your question. Seriously. I like you; I don't want anything bad (me) to happen to you.
AshK asked:
"I have a ummm friend who caught her husband rubbing one out while reading an IM conversation I..um she had with another woma....person.
Should she
A: Be pissed that he looked at her old IM's
B: Ignore it
C: Fly him and herself to Aus...another place on the globe, and party with the other gir...person like it's 1999
D: stop those annoying half finished wor....."
Perhaps you.... r friend should turn on MSN sometime, to make sure that the amazingly hot sexual banter with this other wo... person wasn't a fluke. After that, she should dump the husband, fly to Aus.... wherever, and shack up with m.... this other wo.... person until they're both too old and drunk to fuck any more.
Snark asked:
"Why is it when I use the public washroom in the park, someone always sticks there peener through a hole in the stall I'm in?"
It's the sign you put on the door, sweetie. You need to stop putting up the laminated banner that reads "Glory Hole CokSuk Free!!!!!"
"Is it wrong for me to set said Peener on fire?"
It's never wrong to light fires. I tell that to my son and I'll tell it to you. It's what civilized us as a species; how could it ever be bad?
"I've considered pretending it's not there but where's the glory in that?"
Hint: Screaming out "Oh my god! What is this peener doing here? I hadn't noticed it!" is less than effective when your mouth is too full to be coherent.
munkeypants asked:
"I once heard that ghey menz put gerbils in each others bum bums.
My question is... why don't the gerbils chew through the bum bum wall to get to freedom?"
Because they have their claws pulled, and duct tape wrapped around their heads to stop them biting. Those ghey menz think of everything.
Fartman asked:
"Is it true that drinking pineapple juice makes a man's semen taste sweeter?"
Not remotely. We just tell you that, you poor sad piece of humanity, to get you to run down to the store like the eager little puppy you are and give us half an hour to get nailed by the pool boy. After that guy's done with his hoses, we'll swallow any fucking thing you want.
jgreening said:
"My labrador ran away from me last ni...
Wait... Wrong doctor...
Um...
Shit..."
STOP FUCKING THE DOG. IT IS NOT OKAY TO FUCK THE DOG. FUCKING THE DOG IS WRONG. DOGS RUN AWAY WHEN YOU TRY TO FUCK THEM BECAUSE THEY DO NOT LIKE TO BE FUCKED BY DRUNK HUMAN MEN. DO NOT FUCK THE DOG ANY FUCKING MORE.
LadyPlural asked:
"Why do males get their directions mixed up? When I scream things like "HARDER YOU FUCKING BASTARD THAT'S IT OHHHHHH A LITTLE TO THE LEFT no, my left oh go to hell you stupid cunt I hate you so very very much" and their feelings get hurt, whose fault it is? I think it's their fault, and that I am not at fault if I snap and kill them and feast off of their hot, steaming fle---
Erm, I mean. Which spoon do I use to eat soup with. That's it."
The soup spoon.
That's all you get. You scare me too much.
c1ndy asked:
"how does a man stop himself from peeing inside the lady when they are having sex?"
They're supposed to whatnow?
I learn something new every day. So much for "No, honey, it just means I love you a LOT."
tinactin asked:
"Will you keep me in a jar until I properly ferment, and then make me into marmalade?"
I'd like to keep you in a cardboard box until you properly ripen, then feed you through my food processor and make you into salsa. And I only do that to the special people I REALLY like.
creep_firebombing asked:
"Why is it that all of our conversations turn to sex?"
Because, since human evolution began its slow painful ascent from the depths of the primordial ooze, we have been concerned only with eating, sleeping, and mating. Because food is abundant, and sleep expected of us, sex is all we have left that connects us to our ancestral history. We feel closer to our long gone predecessors when we are involved in something directly linked to the survival instinct.
It's because I'm a filthy minded foul mouthed thing, and you're a freak.
TheRef asked:
"Maybe you can help me on this one..
I have a "friend" who I am currently deployed to Iraq with. This friend managed (without the use of alcohol) to get some army chic to join him in a bunker for some mating. As he is making with the ole in out, in out, he looks up at the side of the bunker and written not one foot away from his face, is "(insert father's name) fucked (insert random female's name) in this bunker." Apparently his father who was in an army unit during the initial invasion had made with the whoopee in the same spot that he was currently making whoopee.
My friend briefly paused to contemplate this then returned to the snatch pounding. The next day he came back to add his name under his fathers on the wall of that bunker.
How would you have dealt with this situation or do you believe that my "friend" handled it in an acceptable manner?"
I think he should have asked the random female to score them both out of ten, to really complete the story for anybody coming along afterwards. (Pun entirely intended.) Apart from that, he did a superlative job in a potentially awkward situation.
___________
And that's it. There will be another of these in a week, if I get any more questions.
Please insert some random amusing comment here and pretend I made it, because honestly, you people have drained me.
Feel free to offer further questions; you've seen the quality of my advice. It changes lives. It lifts spirits. It necessitates a small but thorough disclaimer right after this paragraph.
(The author is not responsible for personal injury, loss of life, criminal proceedings, or any other assorted "Bad Stuff" that results from following her advice. I mean, you'd have to be a bit of a moron, wouldn't you? Really?)
(Google Image Search for "Don't ask me.")
User Reviews
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-01-14 09:01:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You have got to be one of the funniest people on this site... seriously!
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2005-01-12 07:24:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow...
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-01-11 16:36:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Kopesh (user info) at 2005-01-11 16:30:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm still speechless...........
there are some realy sick people out there.....
Damn how I love 'm....
Submitted by Kopesh (user info) at 2005-01-11 16:27:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
...................................................................................................
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-01-10 20:44:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Once your forehead is caved in from all of the sucking, may I please eat your brain in order to better understand and appreciate (and, dare I say, possibly write more like) you?
I promise that once we're sharing a body, I'll masturbate often and vigorously.
With somebody else's appendages, of course.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-01-10 16:52:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I currently like to abduct women from the local High School and lock them in my basement for two reasons. I currently have 15 young ladies locked in my cellar. My friend says thats far too many. What is an appropraite number of love slaves to keep.
Submitted by Bickerstaff (user info) at 2005-01-10 16:39:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, ya gotta love it when ya get a straight answer from a chic, right?
Not like the crystal powered, granola eatin' unicorn riders who
do yoga and pilates and always talk in riddles that make your head hurt.
Circe, man. Ya ask Circe what to do with the funky green discharge of
your diseased and swollen cock, and she tells you, straight the fuck up: "Bottle
that shit, and market it as healing tonic." That's the sorta chic that
makes the angels sick and pale with envy, and make no mistake kids.
The human cloning debate has ended, brothers; start now, and start with Circe.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-01-10 16:34:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"may i suck your pussy til your forehead caves in?"
if a guy could do this for me i would give him a coupon for a lifetime
supply of blowjobs.
i haven't found him yet though.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-01-10 16:30:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is really good.
I wish I had thought of this first- a "Dr. Shlongy Wants to Help" type thing.
I bet I would have been hilarious.
PS. Can I eat your ass?
Submitted by Bickerstaff (user info) at 2005-01-10 16:28:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2005-01-10 15:21:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's because I'm a filthy minded foul mouthed thing, and you're a freak.
I figured as much. I want to taste you. Right here. On my desk in front of me with your legs spread wide and my tongue lovingly probing your moist lips.
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2005-01-10 14:23:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I came back to remind you that my offer to make you cum until your head spins around like Linda Blair, stands.
Submitted by awj002 (user info) at 2005-01-10 14:18:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
LOL
Submitted by Xena (user info) at 2005-01-10 13:35:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hmmm...
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-01-10 13:33:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great stuff Circe...like the breastmilk of blossoming virgin.
My question is: have you ever had sex that made you cry tears of joy? Sadness? Pain?
Submitted by bossk (user info) at 2005-01-10 13:28:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-01-10 13:23:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You're just phoning it in, aren't you?
What happened to the psychotic bitch who wrote this? http://www.ubersite.com/m/33379
*beats chest in overly dramatic ER fashion* LIVE, DAMN YOU, LIVE!
Submitted by cheruboo (user info) at 2005-01-10 13:08:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this is awsome, I hope it turns into a most viewed
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-01-10 12:51:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you sure it's not the fact that I'm female and waving my penis around that's putting them off?
This really is playing on my mind Circe. I need your sweet, sweet lovin'.... I mean HELP to get through this.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-01-10 11:58:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have another question...
Is it wrong to feel a little turned on when I electrocute myself using a 9-volt on my bumbum?
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2005-01-10 11:58:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Since you brought it up, I guess you should know that the pool boy is bi, and he handles MY hose quite nicely, as well. Is that wrong?
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-01-10 11:56:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ace!
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2005-01-10 11:48:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-01-10 11:45:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fine. But try not to stick me with your chips.
Submitted by Totally_useless (user info) at 2005-01-10 11:41:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is fucking gold.
And by gold, I mean slapping a gold cockring on and going to town on this post.
And by going to town, I mean printing this page out and punching a clown into it.
And by punching a clown, I mean stroking my 'infectious fuckmeat' and releasing onto the HammerMill 20 lb. 84 brightness copy paper as it emerges from my Hewlett Packard LaserJet 4L with the freshly bonded ink that takes the shape of this brilliant piece of writing.
Um.
Oh.
Yeah, this is fucking gold.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2005-01-10 11:40:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Is it really impossible to find/get to a womans R-spot with your fingers.
Or my fingers?
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-01-10 11:38:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks for clearing that up!
Hey.... wait a minute!!!
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-01-10 11:17:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AWWWWWWESOME.
This is full of too many great lines for me to count. I would like to give you a +10. Sadly, I cannot.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-01-10 11:10:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"What's the best way to get into a woman's knickers with full consent?"
Buy them off her for five hundred dollars. Then you can get in and out of them to your heart's content.
that joke should have come from groucho marx. +2 for going "old school"
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-01-10 10:47:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's because I'm a filthy minded foul mouthed thing, and you're a freak.
And this is why we love you.
Submitted by gabrielpm (user info) at 2005-01-10 10:24:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2005-01-10 10:21:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Is it wrong that I was aroused by your advice Dr. Circe?
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-01-10 10:03:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A cat in heat, huh?
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-01-10 10:02:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Awko - and yet they continue to reject my application.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-01-10 09:58:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-01-10 09:53:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Vivid imagery. Particularly the nun.
Submitted by Awko (user info) at 2005-01-10 09:52:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is so much better than "Dolly Doctor"
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2005-01-10 09:49:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This was reasonably amusing...I guess.
Submitted by Imessedup (user info) at 2005-01-10 09:31:26 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Ghey
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-01-10 09:31:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*laugh*
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2005-01-10 09:28:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thankyou for writing a novel. The quantity almost makes up for the quality, but when I say that, I'm lying.