Baptism my ass! (752 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.2 on 8 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Wasabi <medicatedgoo.at.123mail.org> (View user info) at 2005-01-13 17:45:18 EST
"Wait, you're doing what now?"
"What are you reading? Is that one of those choose-your-own adventure books? Those are strange, and yet somehow, I do find excitement within them. But that's mainly when I'm drunk or just waking up, or both. I always read when I first wake up. Best time really."
"Fuck Darren, I asked you to please repeat yourself."
"About reading in the morning? You did? I guess I must have missed you ask-"
"No, about the showers. What the fuck did you say you were doing?"
"Oh. Oh that. Nothing really. Really, I mean that. Nothing. I haven't showered or generally groomed since I've gotten here. You've seen that movie 'American X' or 'X History' or that one about Redeeming the Sawn Shank or whatever? Yeah yeah, rape always happens in the showers if you think about it. I've got my soap on a rope and all that cheesy crap, but it doesn't matter. The guards won't help you here. They just watch, and I bet they jack off when they get home too. Sick fucks."
"So you haven't washed in 2 months? No wonder it smells like Taco Bell in here man."
"Ha-HO I remember going through the drive through at Taco Bell and getting one of those Churismo or Tacasta things or whatever, and they gave me somebody else's order! I probably shouldn't have taken it, but fuck they were out of everything else that I ordered. So I just paused for 3 seconds, grinned and then drove off. I shouldn't have I guess but what the hell? That's the only crime I've ever committed you know..."
"You shot the Governor's daughter in the head Jack. You remember that?"
"You're the only one in here that calls me Jack. Everybody else calls me 'Mr. Jones' and they say it all establishment-esque... like. No compassion. Did you know that in the cafeteria, they serve whatever food they have? Like it doesn't matter if it's really old or not. Or rotten? They treat us like animals here. I know that because yesterday I worked in the kitchen, and the hamburger was rotten I swear. But they didn't care at all, they just said 'Serve it up' and I was not going to but... what are you reading?"
"You really haven't showered? Why the hell do you think that's gonna change a damn thing?"
"Nobody is going to rape a man with an ass as dirty as a whore's mouth are they? Fuck no. That fucking giant pile of muscle down the way there- you know him? Well, I saw him rape Slim the second day I was in here. His bone-head friends held slim down and he mounted up. Mounted. What the hell is wrong with Canada? Their fucking cops are called 'Mounties'... it's like Kentucky or Arkansas moved north of the rest of the country and started their own country and they decided to make incest legal and give red jackets to all the horse riding cop fucks... you know?"
"Whatever Jack. You fucking stink. Shower or something. Let me read my book."
"'To see where the dragon keeps his loot, turn to page 145. To return to the inner-chamber of my undying hell, turn to page 78. To make beef stew, turn to page 987. To understand the philosophy behind endangering species, keep reading.' I love those kind of books. That reminds me of this party I was having. Everybody was supposed to bring a book they liked, and then we took turns reading out of our own, only out-loud you know? That way the story was all messed up like it was randomatic or something. Except nobody brought their books, except me since it was my party. And I had a gun for some reason. Hey why are you in here again?"
"We went through at. You're fuckin' crazy Jack."
"I AM NOT crazy. Not so. Is that why they call you 'Crusher'? Cuz you crushed the car you driving?"
"Lifted. I lifted that car. And no that's not why they call me that. I didn't mean to crash the damn thing man."
"The Crusher! Has a good ring to it, like 'The Shadow' or something. Except I think it's been used before. The Crusher... yeah it's in a movie. So is the Shadow. The Shadow Crusher. That's a good name. Liftin' cars takin' names, gonna show you how ta play da game. The Shadow Crusher. Crushing your shadows. With nothing more than mere intellect. And sever dexterity. And amazing curves. You like that? I should write all this down. Shadow crushing his enemies with ocular speed and- wait... ocular? What the fuck?"
"I can't believe they put you on the stand at your trial man. Why didn't you just take the fifth eh?"
"Fuck that shit. I told them, I told my lawyer, I told mother: I DON'T DRINK WHISKEY! Especially a whole fucking fifth of it. God that shit is way too nasty. Some good tequila though? Hey you're Mexican. What's that shit made outta? Somebody told me it was cactus, but that can't be right can it? That shit's all spiny."
"Jack you crazy sonna bitch. Taking the fifth means you don't testify AGAINST yourself. You shoulda just pleaded insane in the noggin man."
"Not testify ... ... ... really? That's possible? ... ... ... wish I'd known that before they asked me t-"
"Mr. Jones. It's time for your shower. Strip down. We had complaints from the kitchen staff yesterday about your odiferous aura. I recommend that soap you got hanging above your bunk."
"Big words for a unedumacated security reject. I already told you that I don't take showers. Where'd you get those shoes? Those aren't regulation are they?"
"I don't care what you said, you fuckin' crazy prick. Your sphincter's gotta meeting with cell block 5, and they're a horny bunch of fags. It's time to wash your sins away."
"I'm NOT crazy. And MY sins were washed away at my baptism. Father David told me so. Last time I bathe in front of a priest. You know they rape their alter boys these days? Shit I had to find that out from Ricardo here. Or the 'Shadow Crusher' as his friends like to call him."
"Well your ass ain't baptized freak. Get out here now or my baton will baptize it for you."
"But... Father David said it was. He sprinkled his holy water down there and said: 'May God have mercy on your unholy hole." He had a special shower cap he put on... I think his... fingers... although it was rather large for fingers... and he had to do it a lot... and... he said all baptisms hurt... and..."
"You got fucked Jack. Literally Jack."
"Baptism my ass!"
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________
This was another stream of conscious experiments of mine, using my first post as a springboard. I think my conscious is getting dirty. I tried a 'true story' thing for my last post, but it didn't go over as well... for the 5 people that read it anyway.
Read http://www.ubersite.com/m/54465 for reference to this story.
User Reviews
Submitted by The_Walrus (user info) at 2005-01-14 22:16:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Shlongy likes it up the butt.
Submitted by wasabi (user info) at 2005-01-13 23:21:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I just saw you shredding everybody else for no good reason. Then I decided to take a look at your work. And it sucked. Simple as that. I calls 'em as I sees 'em.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-01-13 21:51:44 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Why'd you -2 all my shit, cocksucker?
I'll fucking eat you.
Submitted by Freakmagnet (user info) at 2005-01-13 21:18:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2005-01-13 20:57:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story, interesting characters.
If I had more time, i'd try and get as many people to see this as possible.
Submitted by wasabi (user info) at 2005-01-13 18:32:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Right right, that's what I meant. Thanks though!
Submitted by rollerboognish (user info) at 2005-01-13 17:59:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
but i should point out that it's "stream of consciousness."
Submitted by rollerboognish (user info) at 2005-01-13 17:56:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was awesome. Too many good lines to quote. I love the character Jack and all his malapropisms and tangents. Let me be the first to +2 this.