Why Nobody In My Family Fucks With My Aunt (925 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.6 on 5 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by The T Man (View user info) at 2005-01-13 23:32:46 EST
Owen Sound seems to attract marksmen. The Canadian fighter ace Billy Bishop, who had the most allied kills in World War One, developed his reputed aim by taking care of the squirrels that were tearing through his father's cornfields. Little Billy was so good with a .22 that the squirrel population of Owen Sound was nearly completely eradicated. Cops in Owen Sound spend most of their time shooting animals as well. All around the outskirts of the small community on Georgian Bay there is always a cow or deer, just struck by a car, waiting to be put out of their misery. Police in Owen Sound consume an astonishing amount of ammunition. Anyone who doesn't know the place and saw the numbers without knowing the circumstances would think the town is a war zone.
Nobody in my family fucks with my aunt. Not only does she know judo, but she is a good enough marksman that she has won competitions throughout the province, and could become a sniper for the ATF, but she doesn't due to the fact that she is getting older and has a family to raise, and the physical and mental conditioning that would come along with the training would be too much at this point.
It is a warm summer evening with a full moon shining above. My aunt is in a cruiser with a rookie cop when they get a call over the radio telling them that a farmer needs help with a wolf that is harassing his sheep. They pull up to the farm, where the farmer greets them and recites the problem. He points to where the sheep are grazing, where the wolf likes to launch his strike from. The farmer had lost three animals. My aunt tells the farmer she and Officer Newbie would camp out the spot, as it was a nice night, and things were quiet. The farmer heads back inside and my aunt tells Constable Newb to grab a shotgun out of the back.
"This is a good first day for you. First walk of the beat and you already get some target practice." She hands him the shotgun.
"I don't think I can do this," he says.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, shooting an animal, it's just, well, it's hard for me to shoot something so helpless-"
"Helpless!" My aunt retorts. "It's a wolf, if you scare it it'll eat you too!"
"I know, but it's just-"
"Okay, fine," my aunt says, "I'll shoot the wolf."
My aunt and Officer Newb are camping in dense foliage in the corner of the forest-bordered farming estate where the sheep are left to graze during the summer. It was now well into the night, with a full moon giving a chilly blue luminescence to everything under its gaze. It did not take long until the wolf made its appearance. It crept closer and closer to the nearest of the sheep, my aunt pulled the shotgun close. The wolf leapt, my aunt fired. My aunt missed, and the wolf spun around instantly and ran for the forest. My aunt fired again, but the beast seemed to be going faster than the very buckshot that sought after its flesh. My aunt dropped the shotgun. In the half a second it took my aunt to draw, cock, and aim down the sights of her pistol, the wolf was a dot on the edge of the distant woods. She fired. The wolf spun and tumbled simultaneously, dropping out of sight beneath the tall grass of the field, a number of yards away from the cover of the forest. My aunt lowered her pistol, chuckled, gave a relaxed sigh, and holstered her weapon as she began calmly sauntering towards the pwned wolf. Her partner sat still and gaped in a mixture of awe and fright, speechless. He eventually followed.
The wolf had gotten it right in the head, a huge bloody hole punched in between its eye and its ear by the single 9mm round.
"So, what do we do now?" Asked the rookie.
"Well," my aunt explains casually, "I shot it. Now you can clean it up."
Nobody fucks with my aunt.
User Reviews
Submitted by Adona (user info) at 2005-01-15 22:03:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very nice.
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2005-01-14 04:54:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd fuck your aunt
in the pooper
Submitted by metroidkillah (user info) at 2005-01-14 03:40:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wanna meet your aunt. She sounds kick-ass.
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2005-01-14 01:10:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
probably because incest is so taboo
Submitted by Valacosa (user info) at 2005-01-14 00:01:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 Because it was amusing
+1 Because I'm from Penetanguishene