Mutiny On The High Seas (644 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.9 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by NerfHerder <NerfHerder.at.comic.com> (View user info) at 2005-01-14 15:48:00 EST
"Captain...we're taking your ship."
"No!" I screamed louder than the screams of the thousands of land lubbers that I had gutted over the years. "Not Summer Breeze! She's the closest thing I've got to a wife. Please, you can take everything off of the ship, but leave ol' Summer Breeze to me. I'll take good care of her, I promise."
"I'm afraid we can't do that, Mr. Yonker." Hearing myself be called by that name was like a final straw for me. I hadn't been called "Mr. Yonker" since before I bought my boat. The bank manager had even made a big deal about it.
"Here's a pen Mr. Yonker," he said, "or wait...should I call you Captain Chris?" We both had a hearty chuckle in the middle of the bank, but I grew fond of the name and adopted it. I'm a sucker for alliteration.
I told the bankers and my family that I would be running a legitimate shipping route to Hawaii full of pineapples and sugarcanes and beach sand and such. But the truth is, I would wind up one of the worst pirates of the Pacific Ocean.
I raped, pillaged, and plundered like your average pirate would. I had an air of recklessness about me and even grew a beard. Of course, with blond hair, my beard was almost effeminate. But anyone who brought up that point was made to walk the plank, and by that I mean they had to give me head. And by that, I meant they had to clean my toilet.
5 years rolled by on the cold, choppy waves of the Pacific. During those years, I had even stopped a shipment that happened to contain a nuclear warhead destined to go off in Los Angeles. I considered myself such a patriot that I almost felt like a citizen of the United States again. So I sold the warhead to China to balance things out again.
My crew of 15 stout men and 36 wenches were near and dear to my heart, every last one of 'em. From Tabatha, the one-eared whore who I took pity on as the crew was boarding the ship, to Toby, who couldn't have been more than 13 when we first set sail. They had all proved their worth to me, time and time again. Whether it was keeping a lookout for victims or spooning to keep warm at night, each member meant something to me.
But I should've known that something would go wrong.
I should've known that sending my boat payments by way of corked bottle would not be sufficient for the bank.
Tougher than any government and more ruthless than any mob, the bank doesn't have to tiptoe around the fact that they ARE money. That's all they care about, that's all they deal in. If money makes the world go round, then the banks are the ones pushing the world every day.
I also should've suspected that the bank would install something of a spy on my ship to keep an eye on me for these treacherous purveyors of dead presidents.
But how could I even think of suspecting my dear Toby? Yes, the poor lad that begged me time after time to be a real pirate. I told Toby that I was totally straight, merely shipping legitimate goods. But Toby knew better. He tugged on my arm and my fake leg for hours, promising how he'd polish my eye patch every night, and treat my wooden leg if it ever got termites.
Friends like that don't come along every day.
I had to take the lad aboard.
On our journeys, I treated Toby as if he were my son, seeing as I was too disgusting to have one of my own. I would impart wisdom not only from the sea, but from books I had learned when I was a lad. Toby's favorite was The Bible, and always listened intently when Judas' deception were described.
I should've seen it coming.
One day while I was out supervising the swabbing of the decks, I came into Toby's cabin to see if he wanted to have a go at a whore or two for fun. But as I opened the door wide, I saw Toby hunched over in the corner of his room, messing with something in his lap. I was sure he wasn't masturbating, I had caught Toby doing that thousands of times before. No, he was paying very close attention to something.
"...roger Toby. We have your position and will be making contact in approximately an hour and a half."
"What are you doing," I asked in a fatherly tone that implied I already knew what Toby was doing.
"Nothing," Toby answered, following the typical script that all teenagers go by.
"Nothing, is it then?" I asked as I hobbled over towards the boy. "Then you won't mind turning around and standing up, would you?"
"Er...I don't think that would be such a good idea, Cap'n Chris. I mean, you totally caught me AGAIN. I think we've both been embarrassed enough today. I'll see you at dinner, then, bye."
"No, me lad. We both know you weren't doing that. Come on then, drop what you're holding and kick it over to me."
Toby looked back at me with the eyes of a puppy dog that knows it has done something wrong. There was a different hue in them, and there was certifiable moisture. But the boy did not cry. He knew never to cry in the presence of another man. I taught him that.
Toby stood, and looked out of his porthole, with his back still facing me. Although, we could see each others reflections in the glass of the hole.
"Look, Cap'n. You don't need to see. But I'll tell you what I've done since you've been good to me, or at least you've tried to be. You've taught me so much in life" I nodded in contempt as the boy's head dropped and his chin touched his sternum. "But one of the things you taught me was to always do the job that you are assigned to do, no matter how much you hate it. Cap'n," Toby said as he turned around to face me. "Ironic, considering how teaching me that has screwed you over in the end."
"No, Toby, no," was all I could choke out as Toby's betrayal became more and more apparent.
"Yes. I've been spying on you, Chris. You haven't been sending you boat payments to the bank. They...they knew you would never do it in the first place. So they hired me to get on board and spy on you."
Now my head sank to my sternum, and the feathered hat dropped off of my head.
"But...but I fought for you Chris. I said that you had mailed every single payment, and it was the bank's fault that they hadn't received payment. But they didn't care. The monsters don't care about anything. They've been searching for us, Chris. They told me that if I didn't tell them exactly where we were, that they would...they'd..."
"They'd what, Toby?"
"They'd cut off my genitals. You know how much I love my genitals, Chris! You know! You know more than anyone on this ship. Please, you've got to forgive me. Here, take the radio they gave me. Take it."
Toby reached out to hand me the plaything that had been sitting in his lap when I caught him. As Toby reached a hand out to me, I reached a hand out as well. To the hilt of my sword. Toby saw this action and shut his eyes and jerked his head to the side expecting an immediate attack.
But no such attack came on Toby.
Toby opened one eye, then the other, and slowly swiveled his head back towards me. The full extent of my attack was now revealed. I had sliced the banker's radio in half.
"Toby...you've been a good lad. Sure, you sold out the entire crew, but you were just doing your job, right?"
The terror in Toby's eyes grew anew.
"And at least you've admitted your mistake. That's all your pop can ask for, right? I mean, that's what growing up is about, right? Making mistakes?"
Toby nodded his head in uncertain approval.
"And what kind of a dad would I be if I didn't forgive my son for making such a little mistake that can be remedied fairly easily?"
Toby still remained speechless, as my sword was still out of its scabbard.
"Toby. Come here and hug me. As far as I'm concerned, you'll be a part of this crew for as long as you live."
I'm surprised Toby fell for my little trick, frankly. After he had given me his little speech about always learning what I teach him, he certainly shouldn't have approached a man with a sword in his hands who was mad at him. That was rule number 3.
"Unfourtunately, that day is today," I said as my sword ripped through Toby's guts. I could see the traitor's entrails stay in place for just a second, and then start to spill out.
As Toby fell, he looked at me in the eyes with a broad smile on his face.
For we both knew that this was just my way of truly accepting his apology.
User Reviews
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-05-26 03:01:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Alright then.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-01-14 23:23:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Toby reached out to hand me the plaything that had been sitting in his lap.."
urge to make pedophile joke.
I am so ashamed i even thought of that
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-01-14 21:16:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Alas.
Submitted by xtremecowboy (user info) at 2005-01-14 19:52:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Gar, Yonkavich's posts be the only place for the dread pirate Steve.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-01-14 19:20:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YAAAAARGH!
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-01-14 17:29:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-01-14 16:32:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
We're men! We're men in tiiiights!
oh sorry... wrong story.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-01-14 16:20:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This makes me wanna..uh uh uh uh uh..scream
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2005-01-14 16:20:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
TIVER ME SHIMBERS
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-01-14 16:01:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A jolly good read, yar!
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2005-01-14 15:58:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Cathail, re-read the first three paragraphs for your answer.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2005-01-14 15:57:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Captain, how about instead of burying the treasure we use it to buy things? You know, things we like?
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2005-01-14 15:56:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, you got me all excited about a pirate story last night, then you dismissed it, then never came back online to chat s'more. Luckily, Tom Goes To The Mayor was on...so any sorrows I had were thrown out the window by the lovely city of Jefferton and Toodle Day.
Submitted by CATHAIL (user info) at 2005-01-14 15:55:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Well, did you escape, did you?!!?!!?
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2005-01-14 15:54:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the swiftest hand in the east