Testicular Stab by a Rusted Spring (1043 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by STIXS (View user info) at 2005-01-15 13:31:02 EST
Its rusted green finish was peeling off and dropping into little piles near the flat and worn tires. The windshield was caked with years of mud, dead insects, and what looked like a used diaper. The engine was nearly rusted through, and the faded sticker of a gremlin was nearly completely worn off of the gas cap. It was a "mint" condition Gremlin, and my friend Yuriy was paying $200 bucks for it.
The owner, a beer-bellied man of about 53, was more than willing to take the cash from this anxious youth, and was more than willing to hand over the twisted and bent key to Yuriy's new possession. I sat in my car, looking on like a parent looks on after their child on their first day of preschool. I watched Yuriy hand the wad of hard-earned cash over to this greasy, balding swindler. He was the molesting teacher, and I the unaware parent. Poor Yuriy...and he just ran out of lube, too. But I digress.
The car sputtered with the sound of a thousand dying souls, and finally revved to life. It was Frankenstein's monster, and Yuriy was the little girl (why do I use these dumb analogies?). I signaled for him to follow me to my house where I would drop off my Camry, and we would both "joy"ride in his new Gremlin. With surprisingly little difficulty, we drove the ten miles to my house, parked my car, and drove out into the little suburban hell in which we live.
After tinkering with the controls on the car, and finally figuring out how to make the brake pedal work properly, Yuriy began to drive the car like a pro. He decided to push the car's shoddy frame to its maximum point--he accelerated the car to 60 miles an hour.
The entire machine was rattling and sputtering so much that I feared my testicles would never recover (not that the spring protruding from the seat and stabbing them helped any). Yuriy, on the other hand, was having the time of his life. He turned onto a street with more traffic, and started passing up cars. This was all fun and games, until he passed the cop...at nearly twice the speed limit.
Before even waiting for the siren, he pulled over and got all of his papers ready. Shortly after, the cop came up and tapped on the window. Yuriy looked up and did his best Bambi eyes while I tried to hold back the torrent of vomit ready to exit my trachea.
"Son, do you know how fast you were going?" asked the cop.
"Ummmmm, five over, officer?" replied Yuriy.
--I would like to interject here quickly, and give a little background on my friend Yuriy. He isn't the smartest of guys, and he is a compulsive liar. He also has no sense of control, and can't seem to keep his hands off of little boys...errr, candy. I'm quite certain that his parents dropped him as a child...and I'm quite sure he has an extra chromosome or two. He's also an imbecile--
"No, son, you were going 65," exclaimed the officer, "Do you know what the speed limit is on this street? It's 35. You were going 30 over, buddy, and I gotta write you up."
This is where the extra chromosomes kick in.
"Can you prove that officer?--I mean, do you have me clocked?" exclaimed Yuriy.
My jaw dropped, the officer's jaw dropped, the guy who stopped walking his dog and was watching the whole ordeal dropped his jaw, and his dog dropped a massive load (the equivalent of dropping its jaw).
"What did you say, son?" said the now shocked cop.
"Do you have me clocked, officer?" repeated Yuriy, enunciating every syllable as if he were reading to a retarded child (there I go again with the dumb analogies).
The officer went back to his cruiser after a moment of silence, with us more than anticipating his return with the radar gun, and a hefty fine for reckless endangerment of public safety via death-mobile. However, he didn't return. After about three minutes, Yuriy and I turned around to see where the officer was. We thought: maybe he has to take a leak, or he's calling for backup, or maybe he's just crying because his wife is cheating on him with the teenager who lives down the street and mows their lawn twice a month. Who knows? To our dismay, we see no such thing.
The cop was standing behind the cruiser, and furiously waving his hand in front of the radar gun, hoping to get the speed up.
We sat in disbelief for several minutes, watching the entire ordeal, before we got out of the car and came up behind the officer.
"Hey there, officer. Say, that looks fun, can we try?" (Okay, maybe we didn't say it like that...and maybe this particular conversation didn't occur EXACTLY the way I describe it, but it was damn close, so lay off!)
"Oh, hi, boys, I was just, uh, checking to see if this thing works. Oh, yep, there it is, see? 45 miles an hour, there we go...heh, umm, I'm going to let you off with a warning this time, but next time...hoh...it's going to be the ticket of a lifetime, I can assure you..."
The cop handed all of Yuriy's papers back to him, and we walked back to the car, stifling our laughter.
The car broke down a mile away from my house half an hour later.
User Reviews
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-09-04 20:06:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good writing.
HEY! Be nice to men in their 50s with pot bellies!
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-06-19 18:00:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nicely written.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-06-19 17:30:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Here's a +2...now VOTE FOR ME!!!!
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2005-04-20 21:51:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The sequel to 'The Analog Kid' which you seemed to have enjoyed 'truly fantastic except for the odd spelling error' which there weren't! =P -> http://www.ubersite.com/m/64702
Submitted by STIXS (user info) at 2005-02-09 21:00:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You're very mean, Degreeless. Oh well, you can't win 'em all...unless you cheat, and kill, and pillage, and act like a village-idiot when the police come around.
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2005-02-06 00:04:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I considered giving it a +2, but I love breaking streaks that much. It gives me a sense of self-worth.
Submitted by foster (user info) at 2005-02-06 00:04:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahhaa.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-02-05 23:59:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"The car sputtered with the sound of a thousand dying souls"
I love that line! My friend, DyingBreed, was tripping acid once in a car and said something very similar....although I think his exact description involved demons.
Submitted by STIXS (user info) at 2005-01-16 13:23:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't lie THAT much...but as I said in the story...the conversation with the cop didn't occur EXACTLY like I wrote it, however, I am allowed to take some exaggerative measures in order to make the overall experience to the reader more rewarding and pleasurable (or, at least, I hope it was pleasurable).
Submitted by Sarah-Elizabeth (user info) at 2005-01-16 12:59:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-01-16 11:45:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You lie.
Submitted by STIXS (user info) at 2005-01-16 00:57:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah...that damn spring really had it in for me...I mean, I sit down, compliment the interior (or lack thereof), and this horrid thing starts stabbing me in the 'nads. Pain was worse than testicular torsion, that's for sure. But I taught it good...oh...that son of a bitch ain't never gonna see light again...I melted it and fed it to a squirrel in the park...and by squirrel I mean trash-compactor.
Submitted by Titan (user info) at 2005-01-16 00:37:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahaha, fucking nice.
i read the title and thought "what couldve you done to anger a spring into unloading itself into your scrotum"
solid post
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2005-01-16 00:25:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wow...Gremlins suck, err, I mean, cool "muscle" car
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-01-15 17:45:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
amusing
Submitted by STIXS (user info) at 2005-01-15 16:22:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You're right ICO, I didn't even notice that...and I'm usually pretty good with my speeling and gramre
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2005-01-15 15:16:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bad Karma. And to add 'bucks' to '$20' is superfluent.
Submitted by purringbubbles (user info) at 2005-01-15 15:10:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yowza
Submitted by Shizae (user info) at 2005-01-15 14:47:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Mill29 (user info) at 2005-01-15 14:38:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I believe it.
Submitted by Sofa_Ace (user info) at 2005-01-15 13:47:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by NoahsArk (user info) at 2005-01-15 13:39:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HA