Cranky (699 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.9 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Parlor Trick (View user info) at 2005-01-17 11:12:57 EST
I woke up cranky. Cranky is some irritable little troll that sleeps in my skin and on certain days wakes up with me and takes over. I like to think of him more like an independent contractor of my personality - not a normal component.
But there I was 10:30 a.m. Saturday morning standing in the kitchen with my significant other Mike and feeling the full force of the troll.
"What's wrong with you? Damn you're cranky this morning."
I had merely asked if he had bothered to make the coffee. Apparently the word 'bothered' is bothersome. I stared at him with my optical hate laser and contemplated my next move.
Is it not clear to everyone by now that when someone is obviously possessed by a pissed-off troll you don't call attention to it? Do not mention it. Create a diversion and go! But under no circumstances - call a troll a troll.
"I Am Not Cranky." I enunciated each syllable deliberately and slowly. "God, that's soooooo annoying! Must I tippy toe around every single thing I say and do around here? Cut me some fuckin' slack!" It was my voice, but it was not me talking. I would never use that language.
Mike managed to deflect my verbal lashing and rapid-fire poisoned eye daggers with his defensive shield of calmness. Of course my Crankiness found this most agitating.
Things were progressing downward rapidly. Can things progress downward? Yes - In the eyes of the troll most definitely. The worse it gets the happier he is and he was looking forward to a good day as I stormed out of the kitchen and went upstairs.
So there I was sitting on the floor of the closet, hunched over in an irrational angry huddle with my demon running around wildly jumping on my interior furniture and generally causing an uproar.
The replay of the events seemed to suggest I was behaving badly, even my version. Admitting this was out of the question so I found myself compelled to open the file of Arguments Past and dredge up a defense. Halloween 2002 - the 'you're more of a French Maid than a Princess" comment seemed relevant.
I got up, on the offensive and ready to attack. Full throttled troll powered senseless aggression towards the one I love. Ready, set Go!
I opened the closest door and there was Mike calm and smiling armed with a steaming cup of coffee extended in my direction - this being a clear breech of the rules of hostile engagement. Cranky hissed and recoiled being highly intolerant to undeserved acts of kindness. I stood there a moment looking at Mike who was still holding that frozen 'don't kill me smile'.
Cranky was whispering in the background "the coffee's too hot, not strong enough, too little to late... kill him kill him." His voice shrinking in the distance, then gone altogether.
I felt the pressure release and my unfriendly mood retreated to a quiet dark corner of my being leaving me to pay the apology.
The calm warmth of peace and understanding began to take over when...
"Why do you need so many shoes?"
User Reviews
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-07-18 21:36:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very creative writing.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-01-17 13:33:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yup.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-01-17 13:13:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Only on alternate Thursdays, between 6:55 and 7:03 pm.
I'm fair well fucked, then.
Submitted by ParlorTrick (user info) at 2005-01-17 12:35:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Lady Plural - Unfortunately the only cure for brain mold does require that you pop your eyes out, fill your head with bleach then do jumping jacks for at least 10 minutes (tilt your head back so the bleach doesn't splash out of your sockets) then put your eyes back in.
Can you do jumping jacks?
Submitted by wanderingsharps (user info) at 2005-01-17 12:34:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
loved it...
I had an ex I lived with.
We would fight alot.
As long as I got a cup of coffee before she started screaming at me,
I could tune her out.
One day she started screaming as I watched the drip, drip, drip of the coffee into the pot.
I stared at her, and the fury of my hatred, not kept in check by the caffine, lit her on fire.
she ran around screaming in flames (drop and roll, folks!)
I enjoyed my coffee on the porch while she simpered in the bathroom.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-01-17 12:17:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ooooh yes.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-01-17 12:07:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Shut up. Stop snickering at me. It's early, and my brain is very fuzzy.
No, seriously, it's growing mold. Anyone know of a good way to get rid of the mold? It itches, and it's really hard to scratch something inside of my skull. The only way I've managed to do it is by reaching through my eye socke-
Never mind about that. Defoliation suggestions?
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-01-17 12:04:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"my optical hate laser"
You have one too? I AM NOT ALONE!!! Seriously, I get so much use out of that thing it isn't even funny.
"Mike managed to deflect my verbal lashing and rapid-fire poisoned eye daggers with his defensive shield of calmness"
This made me gigglesnort, and also brought to mind a RPG of some sort.
Parlor Trick casts Rapid-Fire Poisoned Eye Daggers at Mike!
Mike deflects Parlor Trick's spell with a Defensive Shield of Calmness!
Parlor Trick retreats!
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-01-17 11:27:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
and a picture of that angry make-up sex
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-01-17 11:19:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This would have been better if it ended with angry make-up sex.
Submitted by mazman23 (user info) at 2005-01-17 11:18:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have seen the light and the light is Vermin
http://www.ubersite.com/m/56905
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-01-17 11:16:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yup! So true.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2005-01-17 11:16:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So very awesome
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-01-17 11:16:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I run from the crank-monster. Fast.