Colonel Of The Kernels (610 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.67 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by NerfHerder <NerfHerder.at.comic.com> (View user info) at 2005-01-17 14:48:30 EST
I don't understand why the Popcorn Army kept the rank Colonel. It makes things so damn complicated. When we changed the rank that normal armies call "Private" to Kernel I thought for sure that all of the other ranks would change as well. Because, as any cunning linguist will tell you, when one says the word Colonel, it doesn't sound any different than Kernel.
Every time I hear some snot-nosed Sergeant yelling,
"Get down and give me 50, you maggoty Kernels," I have half a mind to turn around and demote him to Kernel just to watch his fat ass squirm as he fails to do even 20 pushups.
But I ignore it. I keep on walking, frowning in contempt at the Kernels, just in case they happen to fall under my command in battle. A Colonel cannot have his troops as friends. They'll expect promotions and respect. And I don't care for either. I like two things in life. Butter and salt. And that's it.
But that very reluctance to make friends has kept me at this hated rank. I've seen Kernels doing pull ups one week who are promoted in front of me the next week. I guess I should make friends with the brass, but I'd rather earn my promotions based on good old hard work and determination. Call me old school, but I'd like to believe that they're the principles that the Popcorn Army was built on. Well, that and realistic butter flavoring.
Not only have I been denied promotions that I should've received years ago, I often get put into the high risk missions.
I can just tell that our next mission is going to be just...one of those missions.
"Colonel Yonker. We have a very important mission for you," started General Hapablap on the phone. "Your mission parameters will be faxed to you within the hour."
"Faxed, General? Since when do we fax things? Whatever happened to sending these files in the mail?"
"Colonel...I'm afraid this mission is of more importance than any mission you have ever been assigned to. You'll be embarking at three hundred hours, tomorrow morning. I expect you to fully inspect the faxed documents and create a battle plan. That's why we're not mailing the documents to you, Colonel."
"General, I don't understand. Why the haste?"
"Colonel, we've already lost a few battalions to this enemy. We're counting on you to finish them off."
"General, may I ask who 'they' are?"
"Colonel...I'm afraid we don't know...."
--
"Kernels! This will be our finest hour! Where other armies of popcorn have failed, we will succeed! We shall not fall! We shall defeat whatever army is in our path. We shall emerge victories! We will return home in one solid kernel."
My words seemed to comfort some of the soldiers. Their grips on their guns relaxed a bit and the tension in their faces seemed to subside a bit. And only once I saw this reaction in my troops could I relax myself.
I granted myself a temporary respite as the giant transport bag lurched as it was removed from its protective plastic. Our wings folded out and then the bag then began its long journey to the world on which we would be engaged in the battle of all battles.
A world which was referred to on my reports only as "Microwave."
The transport sailed through the air, higher and higher, as if moved by an invisible hand outside of the bag, guiding it and its passengers towards our destination.
"Colonel, wake up," whispered one of my Kernels as he gently shook me. I thought about demoting him for shaking me, but that would be no good here. Besides, what could I demote him to?
"Thank you, Kernel," I said. "I always seem to drift off before battle. Helps keep my mind sharp."
"Yes, sir," said the Kernel, replying to me while not listening at all. "Sir, we've landed. What are our orders?"
"First, we scout the area. Johnson, rip a hole in-"
BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP
"What's that?" I asked, with an audible shakiness in my voice that hadn't manifested itself in my voice since the second time I had engaged in sexual intercourse with a woman.
"I don't know," replied the cadets, with the same shake that would certainly appear in their voices the first time they had sexual intercourse with a woman in the future.
The bag, which had remained silent and dark, all at once illuminated with light from every side.
"What the fuck is going on?" screamed a Kernel as he threw down his gun.
"You pick that right back up," I commanded, and was then rewarded with seeing the Kernel pick his weapon back up. But even now, I could see he was just looking for an opportunity to drop it and run again.
To where? I didn't know. Our world was too far away for him to even think of getting back there on foot. But at a time like this, in battle when you can't even see your opponent, sanity is not in play.
I looked over to see two cadets that were still in a lighthearted mood, probably high or some other narcotic issue.
"Hey, is it hot in here or is it just me?" one of them asked the other. They both then collapsed in laughter But that innocent comment made me think.
I was perspiring. I wiped the sweat off of my brow and surveyed the status of my troops. They were wavering in the heat, almost exploding with sweat.
Then it happened.
I was looking right at him.
The very Kernel who had awoken me was panting and sweating worse than the rest. His panting became faster and faster, and his eyes clenched as if he was trying to bear a temporary pain that he actually knew was permanent.
He popped.
His kernel split and all of his fluffy, buttery, guts popped out creating a majestic corpse. Our corpses are renowned around the world for their beauty. And while some find it barbaric, we often leave our dead on the floors of movie theaters. We find it more respectful than being buried just to be uncovered by some animal and leaving an empty grave.
So as I watched the young Kernel pop, my eyes were filled with the question of HOW. How did that young man pop? Could he have died from the extreme he-
Oh! There goes one more...and another!
"It's a trap!" someone screamed. Kernels scrambled around and dropped their weapons, thereby dooming themselves to pointless death. I held on to mine, hoping that the enemy would show its ugly face just long enough for me to pop a cap right in between its eyes.
Kernels kept popping all around me.
The children were crying all around me, weeping one second and then dying just a second later. Others screamed as they popped. Most just stood there and looked straight ahead.
I didn't give up. A few hearty souls remained clutching their weapons, looking for something to shoot. Eventually, we decided it wouldn't necessarily be wasting bullets just to fire at will and at random if we were all going to die anyway.
Each of the 6 remaining soldiers fired out of a different section of the bag.
POP. POP. POP.
Only three remained. Plus myself. The bag was thick with the corpses of the deceased. I had to shoot through 3 or 4 of my comrades, just blindly hoping that I would hit something on the other side. I didn't hear any cries of pain after my shots, just the constant sound of bullet moving through fluff.
POP. POP.
Just me and one more soldier left.
We turned towards each other through the mass of bodies, and exchanged a final look. I looked at him and he looked at me. We both knew that he could've lasted a little longer, at least. He could've made a stronger effort. But he resigned himself to death, gave me a final salute, and finally popped.
This was it. I was the only one left.
I kept firing my weapon out of the bag. I fired some towards the point at which I saw my last Kernel pop at, as well, as a sort of lashing out for leaving me alone in here.
I then felt an incredible pressure within me, as if my stomach was chewing bubble gum, and had just blown a bubble. The bubble was getting larger. I didn't think I could take this much longer....
...and then I understood why so many were just crying or standing still right before their deaths....the enemy was both on the inside and the outside the entire time...
POP.
User Reviews
Submitted by Uzi (user info) at 2005-01-26 06:40:12 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by FuckTheArmy (user info) at 2005-01-17 18:10:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What? I thought they were going to have to do battle with a chocolate bar.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-01-17 16:11:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hey. shut up. i love my drugs.
they are my only friends.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-01-17 15:58:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for making me think of popcorn kernels having sex with each other.
Submitted by Kre8rix (user info) at 2005-01-17 15:40:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 popcorn genocide
beautiful
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2005-01-17 15:17:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"the only thing I'm 'high' on is LSD: love for my son and daughters"
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-01-17 15:17:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
5:00 today i'm getting on AIM. Better be there. Gonna tell you how to make the best onion dip you can imagine.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2005-01-17 15:09:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Drugs are just for creative poseurs.
My stories are 100% drug-free insanity.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-01-17 15:08:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
*pop*
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2005-01-17 15:01:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wow. now here's a fucking imagination. would have never thought to do that. great stuff.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-01-17 14:56:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HOLY
SHIT
PLUS
FUCKING
TWO
Seriously, what kind of drugs are you on to think of shit like this, and why can't you mail them to me in a brown paper wrapper.
Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2005-01-17 14:55:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2005-01-17 14:55:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
popcorn
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2005-01-17 14:50:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was odd. I love it.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2005-01-17 14:49:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHAHA. +2 for the title. Now to read.