I Made 10,000US At Starbucks Today-Winning The War Against Corporate America In The Least Likely Way (1046 hits)
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Submitted by AnotherStupidUsername (View user info) at 2005-01-17 16:44:26 EST
I was planning on writing something about the vivid and quite disturbing dream I had last night, but I was unable to find to narrow it down into one cohesive piece, it was something about world destruction, tsunami's, and utter chaos and would have been more fitting for a novel or perhaps a history book in the near future. We will see, I'm utterly convinced it was more of a vision then a dream.
Anyway's I awoke in a sweat with tears in my eyes and a total body ache that could only be cured by excessive amounts of caffeine. No coffee in the house, damn! Also no money in the pocket, and I was lost as of what do to, I already went way over my budgeted funds this weekend, something about cocaine, hookers, and bottles of vodka, I forget and frankly its not important. I searched through my wallet and found a Starbucks gift card my brother and his bitch girlfriend had purchased for me as a christmas present.
Up until today I loathed Starbucks and did my best to stay far away from their overpriced latte's and cliché' pseudo-intellectual clientele, workers, and environment. The whole parking lot is always full of Volkswagons, everyone there seems to have an infatuation with praising shitty indy films and wearing black rimmed glasses, and, and, well now I'm stereotyping, and I'll stop before I contradict myself anymore. I had about thirty dollars on this gift card, and I vowed to spend every last drop of it on coffee, and do my best to piss everyone off with my cocaine-level caffeine high, so I started my car and set off.
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Three hours later, and I have two empty grande' americano cups, an empty french press with another one rapidly diminishing, and two expresso shots, my table was a mess with scattered cups and tops, newspapers and loose tobacco remnants. As for myself, I was jumping around the room, jabbing people in the ribs with my elbow, shouting for more coffee, more coffee dammit! Sitting down at a table and starting conversation only to abruptly leave once I had established myself, and doing the same thing at every table in the whole pad. Because of my good looks and amphetamine amped personality, my antics were mostly tolerated. I had close to a two hour conversation with an older gentleman, quite intelligent, about progressive architecture, involving east coast legends Gehry and Mayne, I had hit on every cute girl women or man walking in to buy coffee, current phone number count: 2. Things were going well, and I was actually considering coming back to this fine establishment, until two men walked through the door.
These two men reeked of high class dumb asses, from the moment they walked in to the moment they sat down at the table right beside mine, sneering at the mess I had made and shaking their perfectly-groomed heads in disgust. They immediately opened their bags and set up a literal mobile office display, so blatantly extravagant I laughed aloud from across the room beside my elderly gentlemen friend, and watched them with interest. Two laptops sat back to back, with a mobile printer, two palm pilots, docked and ready to sit and collect dust, at least four mobile phones, a New York Times and New Yorker, both with covers displayed, so everyone could see their impressive literature. The icing on the cake was the portable mahogany and marble pieced chess set, which they set up on my table, clearing my precious junk, and began to play. I stopped my conversation with the gentlemen and watched them play for about a half hour before I got up to talk to them.
Heya guys, my name is Josh, how you both doing?
The obvious pitcher of the dynamic duo spoke first, as both held retained laughter, making it clearly obvious they were laughing at their superiority, wondering why a lowly peon like myself was approaching them.
My name is Bob, and this is my colleague Bob. Is their any way we can assist you, perhaps offer you some dressing suggestions? More sniffled laughter, but I was so confident I laughed along as well, quite louder and more obnoxious, and prodded, Bob(2) in the ribs and spoke rather loudly:
You know, Bob, hehe, well I couldn't help but notice, from across the room over there, I pointed toward my friend, who nodded, That you boys are playing a game of chess. Mind if I have next game?
Bob adjusted his Armani or some other ridiculously expensive shit tie, cleared his throat, and talked again. Bob(2) never said a word. You see, "friend", me and Bob(2) here only play competitive chess, and the buy-in is, well, quite more then a person such as yourself can afford, no offense of course.
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Story break: Everything froze for a split second, while I quickly tallied up my available funds in my brain, for as every good gambler knows, when you see a sucker and you know you can take his money, you gamble, regardless of what money you have, what bills said money is supposed to pay, etc. etc. I realized I had about 12,000 US in my bank account, I had just gotten a deposit from student loans, my parents, and what little actual money I made, and although I had to pay school next Monday, I realized this was an opportunity I could not pass up. If I could double my money, then I could go to Cancun this spring break, check out the new Museum of Modern Art this weekend, hit up Philly this spring, and lets not forget the drugs. All I needed to do was envision the piles of cocaine and weed in front of me and I was one hundred percent in.
===
I looked at Bob, and with a slow deliberate pace, staring so hard into his eyes he looked around uncomfortably and fidgeted in his chair, like the pussy boy he really is, and said, What about say, a ten thousand dollar buy in, would that be enough, Bob ole-buddy?
At this comment both Bobs, and a few curious customers started to laugh, there was no way this college boy crazy had nearly that kind of money, but before they could even respond, I grabbed one the laptops and accessed my account, then spun the screen toward Bob, who immediately stopped laughing and sat dead still.
I had them in a checkmate, and the game hadn't even begun. Here were two pretty boy business mongers, making a huge scene and being blatant assholes, and in their haste, didn't realize that we had gathered almost all the attention from bystanders, employees, hell even Wes Anderson stopped by to watch. Being the dumb pricks they are, and choosing appearance over common fucking sense, Bob stood up and offered me his seat. I accept your offer, but Bob(2) will play you, he is a far better player then I.
I wasn't going to let this go easy, so I shook my head and said Ohhh wait a second Bob ole-boy, I want to see the funds on your screen, plus a properly drawn-up document, certainly a big business man like yourself can understand proper procedures, I don't want to be lost out of ten grand, of course.
This got a few bystanders on the spot, the tables were turned and Bob turned red and said Of course and began to draw up documents and other boring business bullshit while we arranged the seats and I yelled and jumped, more coffee, and drew the biggest crowd Starbucks has seen since Coffee and Cigarettes came out and was a huge failure, but this is a one minded crowd, I won't get into that.
Twenty minutes later, and I was winning the game, losing only one rook piece, doing the commentary on the game, drinking coffee and getting some serious attention by a cute emo chick who wanted to suck my dick and have me slash her wrists after the match, I wasn't paying attention much to anything, my heart was out of my chest and the only thing keeping me sane was doing ten or more activities simultaneously, meanwhile Bob was rubbing Bob(2)'s shoulder's and whispering sweet nothings in his ear, both were sweating and cursing.
I beat Bob in the easiest chess tactic possible, the double knight , queen and bishop combo, placed so obviously in the correct spots, while I laughed at every move he made, which infuriated him so much he made a two mistakes a move, it was obvious these children played about two chess games at most a week, barely understood strategy and tactical playing, I play harder games against my thirteen year old brother, and I'll be the first to admit I'm no amazing chess player, especially in my hasty state.
Afterwards, the manager came over and told us three we had to leave, gambling on the premises is illegal apparently, Bob and Bob tried to null the contract based on that premise, but the contracts were drawn and the crowd was heckling and laughing, everybody was glad to see them put on the spot, and everyone cheered as the money was transferred into my account on the spot, I gave the manager one hundred US for being such a good sport while we completed our procedures, then I bought a bunch of coffee for everyone and finally left, giving the manager a good handshake, and a finger, then a wave and a huge smile, to the Bobs, who drove away in their Lexus, peeling out of the parking lot like bats out of hell. I hung around outside and got that girl's number, made plans for an expensive meal, which translates to sex, and called up some friends on the way home, drugs are on me tonight boys!! So, what did you uberer's do today?
User Reviews
Submitted by AnotherStupidUsername (user info) at 2005-02-07 13:37:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Donitsu-- Hahahah....
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2005-02-07 13:32:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AHHA !!! SHENANIGANS!!
EVERYBODY KNOWS that there are know coffee's at Starbucks under 20$ and you ordered 2
that's how I know this is false
Submitted by lizzard (user info) at 2005-02-07 13:28:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
dude, you made me feel jittery from the coffee
Submitted by AnotherStupidUsername (user info) at 2005-02-07 13:18:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-02-07 12:14:21 (#)
Ranking: -2
This is complete BS, and not even funny, how the hell it has a positive rating, I will never know.
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Kind of like everything else on this site. Get a clue.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-02-07 12:14:21 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This is complete BS, and not even funny, how the hell it has a positive rating, I will never know.
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2005-01-29 17:21:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yessssss!
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2005-01-29 17:05:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Too awesome to call shenanigens.
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2005-01-29 16:41:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-01-18 06:30:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
Ive never been to Starbucks. Is it really that bad?
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Overpriced as it is, everything that he said in that one paragraph is complete crap. How can you possibly say that every Staurbucks (all 10,000 of em in the U.S. alone) can all be filled with stereotypes that you hate?
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2005-01-29 16:13:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm the weed man, I'm the weed man, I'm the weed man
Yeah boy wear corduroys
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-01-19 12:33:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very nice.
Submitted by AnotherStupidUsername (user info) at 2005-01-18 11:32:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
apollo--I made fun of myself for it, read farther
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-01-18 06:30:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ive never been to Starbucks. Is it really that bad?
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-01-18 06:26:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Up until today I loathed Starbucks and did my best to stay far away from their overpriced latte's and cliché' pseudo-intellectual clientele, workers, and environment. The whole parking lot is always full of Volkswagons, everyone there seems to have an infatuation with praising shitty indy films and wearing black rimmed glasses"""
This must be the most overused generalisation in american history.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-01-18 06:20:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well bowled Horace.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-01-18 06:09:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This rocks.
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2005-01-17 21:50:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't read this.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-01-17 20:26:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking awesome
i enjoyed this.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-01-17 20:12:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh.
Submitted by PoloboiGC (user info) at 2005-01-17 19:12:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
drinking coffee and getting some serious attention by a cute emo chick who wanted to suck my dick and have me slash her wrists after the match,
Funny shit man.
Similair thing happened to me in jr. high. I was seen as this big.stoner Jock by the whole school. ahahah stupid Jock boy wants to play chess. Whatever.
So We had this asian kid that was a fucking genius. I mean he was doing caluculous and shit in Jr.high and all the teachers beat off to his face and all that. Well one day in class he and his nerd friends and one of my teachers Mr. Bernenstein were talking about chess and stuff. So I walked up and said I could play. Man The teacher laughed and the whole nerd crew laughed as well.
They didn't know that me and my bestfriend played all the time. And I went out to the park and played the Old badass men.
So we go to lunch the next day and set it up. We played for $100. He thought it was easy money. So lunch came the next week. And all my Jock friends watched and alot of people in caferteria and teachers heard and came to see.
I kicked Asian Smartass ass. I beat him with my Horse and queen combo. Always coming at him. He was pretty good. But shit I was a badass and the old men taught me well. Easy $100 I have made.
Chess is the worlds best gambling game. I remember I bought like Dragon Ball Z imported video game with the money and 1 sack of bud, and alot of Jolt soda.
Chess memories are the best.
Good show man good show..
Submitted by dinojr345 (user info) at 2005-01-17 18:48:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's nice to see some little buisness pricks lose some money to we peasants. Money-whores with their little MBA's, briefcases, and fancy-ass cars. I also like the fact that you won in chess 'cause its my best sport.
Submitted by TimeCop (user info) at 2005-01-17 18:35:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love shit like this.
Submitted by Shuman (user info) at 2005-01-17 18:31:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellant.
Submitted by melkorthedelerious (user info) at 2005-01-17 18:19:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W anyone?
Submitted by AnotherStupidUsername (user info) at 2005-01-17 18:12:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Wasabi-Honestly, the quotation mark thing was intentional, I've read Irvin Welsh and Hubert Shelby Jr. recently, and this is a result of trying that style.
Submitted by wasabi (user info) at 2005-01-17 17:58:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Except for the common spelling errors (omitting all quotations for example) this was really good.
Submitted by AnotherStupidUsername (user info) at 2005-01-17 17:49:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Mercutio, you can get check with any two pieces on the board. But what ASU is referring to is something more along the lines of of Queen/Bishop Battery with Knights on the opposite ends. It is an easy mid-game setup and unless caught early can win against someone un-experienced.
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Screamfeeder-- Exactly, I was hoping someone would pick up on that.
FAS- Yes I did! Good catch yo.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-01-17 17:44:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm gonna give this a plus 2 just because it seems you based the two rich guys' names off the movie Office Space.
Now if only your name was Michael Bolton.
Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2005-01-17 17:38:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dubious story, but a great story.
Mercutio, you can get check with any two pieces on the board. But what ASU is referring to is something more along the lines of of Queen/Bishop Battery with Knights on the opposite ends. It is an easy mid-game setup and unless caught early can win against someone un-experienced.
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2005-01-17 17:23:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by iamhewhoisnot (user info) at 2005-01-17 17:19:06 (#)
Ranking: 1
i once bought a baby straight cash with the money i made in a game of dice
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BWAHAHAHAHAHA.
Submitted by iamhewhoisnot (user info) at 2005-01-17 17:19:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
i once bought a baby straight cash with the money i made in a game of dice
Submitted by Mercutio (user info) at 2005-01-17 16:53:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
It was fun to read, but I'm calling shenanigans. Seriously...who puts $10,000 down on a chess game when they don't even know the guy on the other side of the board? Furthermore, the whole "obvious double-knight, queen, bishop tactic" had me in stiches. What the hell are you talking about? You can get a guy into mate with a queen and a knight...who needs all of that other crap?
Submitted by AnotherStupidUsername (user info) at 2005-01-17 16:51:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Not you someone, the other guy.
Submitted by AnotherStupidUsername (user info) at 2005-01-17 16:51:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
WTF is up with the format??? Oh and forgive my english dipshit, I just won money and I was a bit excited, plus I can barely type my body is shaking so hard.
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2005-01-17 16:48:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I doubt this is real, but WOW, great story, the loathing Starbucks line was a little weak, but great read regardless.
Submitted by Freight_Train (user info) at 2005-01-17 16:46:40 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
you loathe Starbucks?
what a dumbass
Submitted by AnotherStupidUsername (user info) at 2005-01-17 16:44:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Names are Changed, obviously.