Sometimes I get the urge to set myself on fire… (755 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 0.91 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by DanceCommander (View user info) at 2005-01-17 19:57:50 EST
I'm relatively new to this site but have been reading quite a few posts and I like the concept. In any event, I have noticed that a common theme amongst posts is the "rant". I, like any other normal person, feel the strong urge to rant. So, in the spirit of ranting I would like to share a recent experience that I have had that resulted in my wanting to pour gasoline (or any other flammable liquid for that matter) liberally over my body and then setting myself on fire....
One of my good friends is an attractive young woman who has weird fetish for DJ's. When I say weird I'm not implying that there are inherent problem's with DJ's but rather than my friend temporarily suspends her cognitive functions when someone tells her they are a DJ. For example, you could be 500 pounds, have one eyebrow, a peg-leg and mutter to yourself continuously but, provided you mentioned during your muttering that you were a DJ, you would be guaranteed to score my friends phone number. (I'm sorry if I have offended all of you 500 pound people with a peg-leg, one eyebrow and propensity to talk to yourself - and I have assumed from reading many of the other posts that there actually quite a lot of you).
In any event, my friend recently met one such person. I was unlucky enough to witness this gentlemen approach my friend. Sometimes I wonder how a 5 ft 40 year old bald man can actually approach an attractive 23 year old and try and hit on her. I suppose a complete lack of self awareness would do the trick. So anyway, after a rather lame attempt at picking up my friend, the gentleman in question (lets call him Jase...his real name) drops the bomb by mentioning that he's a DJ. Clearly he wasn't. Most DJ's will have a modicum of cool. This guy didn't. Nothwithstanding that fact my friend suddenly experienced brain freeze and decided to give Jase her number. Sigh.
The next morning when we had all achieved sobriety again my friend came to the conclusion that Jase was probably not a DJ and that he may have lied to get her number. I know this was terrible shock to myself and all our other friends. Someone lied to get a number. I know many of you will be incredulous...who would do such a thing. I know the experience left me feeling dirty.
Soooo...getting to the point of this whole thing...my friend receives a text message from Jase a day later asking her out. My friend read it and started to choke. I understand now that this is what happens when a person tries to laugh, cry and scream in abject fear all at the same time. Unfortunately, my friend decided to share the text message with me. The text message is what has caused me to want to light myself up like a Christmas tree. I have faithfully reproduced it in all its fucked up glory so that other people out there can share my pain.
Here it is.....
"In Cosmo and Marie Claire it says that if I ring you today I'm "too keen" so at the risk of losing what little cred I have I'm texting instead (text dating, page 48, Instyle...I'M JOKING!) So in thd (sic) words of Steveland "Wonder" Morris...."wanna hook up?"....well he would have said it if he had read the article in Men's Health "spineless ways to ask girls out". Drop me a line. Jase (short of hair, high on personality!!)
If anyone reading this can honestly tell me that they don't want to discover the secret of spontaneous human combustion I'll be very surprised.
User Reviews
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2005-09-14 21:57:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My cat approves of this post
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-06-05 20:03:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Captain Foamy sucks balls.
Submitted by lordofthedance (user info) at 2005-02-06 23:25:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
That's the point tardo. You probably think yours is cool. Like you.
Submitted by Hadooken (user info) at 2005-02-06 23:14:12 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
nice minus 2 because i minus 2d you. thought you were done moaning about shit, pussy. you are teh sux0r and have a ghey name.
Submitted by Hadooken (user info) at 2005-02-06 22:55:29 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
ATTN GHEY NAMEZ
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-01-18 10:10:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Welcome.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-01-17 22:41:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Work on your tense shifts. They got quite annoying. That said, you mostly used English, had actual spaces, and didn't suck too badly.
+2 for you.
Submitted by The_Walrus (user info) at 2005-01-17 22:15:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
setting people on fire= +2
Submitted by lordofthedance (user info) at 2005-01-17 21:14:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-01-17 20:44:24 (#)
Ranking: 1
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA That made me want to set HIM on fire. What a fucking joke. Kill him.
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You're right you know. Why should I set myself on fire....he's the one who deserves to die.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-01-17 20:52:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Good job welcome to Uber.
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-01-17 20:47:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+++!!!
Jesus. Ok, first we both hate DJs. But the thing is (and I go out to clubs more than most my friends, clubs that even advertise their "hot" DJs. What is a DJs reason for being?
I could burn a few CDs that would melt their two-turntables and a microphone into oblivion. What is the reason for DJs?! In strip joints they hawk the girls, pump the crowd to money-up, but in a dance/nightclub, wouldn't a well-made reel-to-reel or CD carousal do the same job as some loser wannabe musician standing behind the controls, deciding what next crucial song to spin next?
I just don't fucking get it. DJs. My old girlfriend gave me one of her pornos titled "DJ Groupies" because it was lesbians. It's this sweaty black DJ outside spinnin in the sun as these two hot girls go at it, not a bad vid, except for the DJ. I asked her the same question, WHY DJs? and she had no answer. Don't even know if she bought the video or likes DJs, but still. Damned if your rant didn't set me off. Where's the matches? +++++++
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-01-17 20:44:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA That made me want to set HIM on fire. What a fucking joke. Kill him.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-01-17 20:35:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
*gasp* an entertaining first post! That's a rarity right up there with, say, Sasquatch and the Loch Ness Monster (whom I have met. She's lovely. Really). Alas, +1 because it would have done better as a story about your wacky friend and her hijinks... tell about some of the other losers she's been hooked with by that line, and give examples, as opposed to making it a rant about yourself... which doesn't really work so well.... But an excellent effort
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2005-01-17 20:02:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 because it was amusing, but it didn't make me say "ROFL" out loud.