Bitches Are Going to Make Me Beat my Wife (2916 hits)
Category: RomanceLabels: bestofsteve
Rating: 1.92 on 43 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Constable Steve, RCMP (View user info) at 2005-01-17 22:43:57 EST
I like it at work. It's just me, the guys and the lesbians. That's the way it should be all the time. No emotional bullshit. No feelings. No cunty backstabbing. There is just the general like of booze, chicks and sports and the general dislike of our boss, our company and black jellybeans.
Male friends stab you in the front. Women run behind your back, pretending to be one thing while being a completely different thing at the same time, meanwhile manipulating seventeen other people while yammering on a cell phone and text messaging and instant messaging all at the same time planning a dinner party where everyone will hate everyone else but still toast to friendship and plan a trip to Las Vegas where all but one will gang up on another and extradite her until she ends up crying to one of the bitches she secretly hates but trusts will all her deep fears and the fact that her diaphragm doesn't fit anymore. That sentence didn't make sense. But neither do women.
Being the nice guy blows like falling down the stairs and breaking your arm because you're the one carrying twelve grocery bags. She's only carrying the laundry detergent and even that is 'too heavy.' Plus, you had to open the door for her.
My last girlfriend got jealous of all the time I spent with female friends. I wasn't really spending time with them. They were spending the time using up my time with useless garbage when I would really be with my girlfriend. My female friends would call me at all hours of the night to cry about their problems. They would constantly want to go out to lunch to bitch about the same problems they've already hashed out the night before. They would invite themselves out with me and the guys to talk about NOTHING during the hockey/basketball/football watching at the bar.
Have you ever been the guy sitting in between two girls talking about how their 'cycles' are so similar? Moses on a moped, how I wish they were talking about bikes....
I am the metaphorical maxi pad for chicks. They bleed their issues all over me. I am super absorbent and keep them fresh and clean. But in the end, they just throw me out because I'm a useless, bloody rag.
Examples:
"Steven, do you want to rent movies tonight? Sex in the City season four is FINALLY available at the video store. I've been waiting to watch it forever! I rented seasons one and three the last time, but season two wasn't out. When season two finally was out, I had late charges and I totally couldn't pay them because my pay cheque only had five days on it...."
"Oh my God Steven where did you get those pants? They look totally great on you. And they are so soft! I wish I could have pants like that. I hate the pants I have now. Oh my God, do you know what Lisa does with her jeans? She is so fat that she has to leave the top button unbuttoned and let her gut hang over it..."
"I wish I wasn't here. I wish I was dead. I don't belong anywhere. I hate myself. You're such a good person, Steven. I don't see what you see in me that keeps you around. I miss you so much. I'm so sorry you're so busy that we don't get to talk a lot. I hate my life. I hate myself...."
Now, you're thinking why don't I just grow some balls and tell the bitches to fuck off? The trouble with being the nice guy is that, most of the time, you are nice. Dealing with fragile girls that talk about killing themselves can take a toll on your asshole-attitude. She could just be doing it for attention, which I know she is. But at the same time I worry that I'm the only thing keeping her together.
As much as I want her to leave me alone, her life would be destroyed if the illusion that I give a flying fuck about her problems were broken.
You're life is pretty empty if I'm the one keeping you from killing yourself. That's so sad that you SHOULD kill yourself. I don't like myself, how can YOU?
I know I don't like myself. I don't have to whine and bitch and moan about it until six in the morning.
There are some female friends I can stand. Actually, there is just one. She won't like me after I give her the 're 16 y/olds' shirt I ordered for her birthday present, but she'll suck it up and find the humor in it eventually. Even if I have to repeat the entire phrase over and over again and insist that it be written on her birthday cake.
But, when you meet a cool chick and you have a good friendship, there will eventually come a time when alcohol, drugs and the mutual need for the taste of human flesh brings your friendship to it's knees and starts sucking you in the tent in the backyard while your friends' parents are listening.
If the chick is cool enough, the road bump will just be that. It's a one-night thing that was meaningless. It will just be a sand nigger in the parking lot of your friendship.
Or else you'll meet the 'Girlfriend' portion of your friend's brain.
Girls' brains are hard to understand. My brain has the sex part, the music part, the sports part and a tiny 'other' part filled with things I've learned in school and my bank account number. The emotional part of my brain is a membrane that is thin and covers my entire brain. It's semi-permeable, so only a few things get caught in it when they go drifting around my head. My recent hate for Randy Moss and my forever hate of the Calgary Flames are some of those things. My love of blond chicks and Oasis are others.
However, girls' brains are much less like my rather simple model.
They are:
- The Bitch Region: Turned on mostly when conspiring against some one, most likely another female. The other female is often a friend who has either done something, has not done something, has done something but it was wrong or else is completely unaware that she has to do something. The bitch part is the one that demands that you treat her like an equal, but at the same time open doors for her and buy her drinks. PMS is produced here and poisons every part of the brain.
- The Slut Region: Every girl has the ability to be a slut. This part of the brain creates turmoil with the rest of the brain, especially the 'Emotional' region. Sluts are great, but they are also sluts. The Bitch region will often come in conflict with the Slut region and all hell will break loose and you'll wake up with bite marks and a phone number written across your chest in lipstick. The number will be to an STD clinic.
- The Emotional Region: Like Iraq. Or a hornet nest. Or an Iraqi hornet nest where every hornet is drunk and stings anything that moves. Complex emotions like guilt, pain, worthlessness, happiness, puppies, kitties and fluffy bunnies exist here. This is the region that causes girls to write poems that SUCK and send them to you with titles like 'This is me giving you my heart.' The cry about not being able to start their cars. They cry about how awful life is. They cry about not being a slut. They cry about BEING a slut. Cry, cry, cry. Bla, bla, bla. Conversations with this region often start out with 'Hello.'
- The Cool Friend Region: Some chicks do not have this part. The rest of their brain has killed it and put shoes where it used to belong. Some chicks claim to like sports only because they think that guys will be attracted to them if they do. They, however, forget the fact that they have to KNOW something about the sport before this plan will work. This is the region that will watch cartoons with you on a school night until 4 a.m. and not say anything other than 'Stimpy is such a fag.' This is the region that will RESPECT the fact that when you have your MSN to Away it means you are AWAY from your computer. This part will watch Training Day with you and NOT say the following things: This is stupid. What is going on. Ethan Hawke is hot. Can we watch Coyote Ugly after this? They won't fall asleep either.
- The Girlfriend Region: This region is what occurs when the Cool Friend Region has mutated into a horrible, octopus-like land of hopeless death and perennial destruction. This chick used to be cool, now she pouts and asks you to buy her shoes. She doesn't want to watch college football on Saturday mornings because she'd rather be shopping. She doesn't want to watch NFL football on Sunday afternoons because she'd rather be shopping. She doesn't want to watch MNF on Monday's because she'd rather be shopping. This region is like a Tsunami. You quite often see it coming, but you're too busy running towards it because you're wondering what the hell is going on. Then it rushes over you, drowning you and everything you've worked so hard for. It will wipe you out financially and mentally. You'll wish you had died. Quite often you will be dead inside.
- The Other Region: Includes any other random garbage that is generated by the female mind. This is a region of mystery and death. It's black like tar. It's been turned black by listening to Avril Lavinge and Jessica Simpson cds. If you've ever told a girl she looked fat, that's where this comment goes. It festers here and spreads the poison to all other regions.
Needless to say, my views of women aren't that great. Doesn't help that they always prove me right.
But hey, I'm just a nice guy. I don't mean any of this. If you need a shoulder to cry on I'll be right there, listening to every word. Don't worry babe, I'll be there for you through everything!
Fuck off, you lousy cunts.
PS: Desperate Housewives is the stupidest show on the fucking planet.
User Reviews
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-24 03:57:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
love it.
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2005-05-21 05:25:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Its gotta be the best post evar.
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-05-01 00:24:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. Just Wow.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-03-25 04:23:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
great
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2005-03-25 04:09:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ha ha ha ,i love this it's the best man!
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2005-03-16 04:25:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This has got to be the best thing out around town , i really love this post.
Submitted by ScottMaximus (user info) at 2005-03-14 21:26:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
All ya need is a gimmick and you've got yourself a TV gig, son. Yeah thats it a gimmick
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2005-02-03 04:28:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yes , i love this post it says a lot!
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2005-01-24 13:23:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Absolutely hysterical.
By the time I got to "This is a region of mystery and death" soup came dangerously close to coming out of my nose.
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2005-01-23 05:36:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah! there is a lot of strait street truth in that !
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-01-19 11:39:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You rock. So many truths in this post I think I'll go home and cry now. :)
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-01-18 23:21:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-01-18 06:20:15 (#)
Ranking: 0
Seriously, that red-headed one looks like a fucking alien.
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And the blonde one that isn't Nicolette Sheridan looks like the Crypt-Keeper. But the show is still hilarious.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-01-18 23:18:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-01-18 09:20:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
This cracked me up.
I think girls are like this. If a woman is like this, she's not a woman. She's a girl.
For the record, I'm a woman.
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Ditto.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-01-18 23:06:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"That sentence didn't make sense. But neither do women."
Fuckin' ay-right!
"Being the nice guy blows like falling down the stairs and breaking your arm because you're the one carrying twelve grocery bags"
What the -- ?? Right again!
"I am the metaphorical maxi pad for chicks. They bleed their issues all over me. I am super absorbent and keep them fresh and clean. But in the end, they just throw me out because I'm a useless, bloody rag."
Ohmigod I love you, Constable Steve or whoever you are. You're an emotional cripple with a mean streak a-brewin', but god bless you.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-01-18 17:13:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I think I was just very, very bitter yesterday. Today might be better...or worse.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-01-18 09:33:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're pretty screwed up but at least you made it funny.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-01-18 09:20:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This cracked me up.
I think girls are like this. If a woman is like this, she's not a woman. She's a girl.
For the record, I'm a woman.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-01-18 09:06:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-01-18 06:25:01 (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm too cool to have a username that everyone knows. TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL
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Ahh... you're stevie_says... Now there's a household name. Knew this was too funny to be a newb
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2005-01-18 08:54:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hit the head on the nail backwards.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-01-18 07:24:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was BRILLIANT
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-01-18 06:25:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm too cool to have a username that everyone knows. TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-01-18 06:23:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my god this was good. You are a bad person, but you know women very very well. Can't believe I don't recognise your username.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-01-18 06:20:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Seriously, that red-headed one looks like a fucking alien.
Submitted by tuesdaydelay (user info) at 2005-01-18 06:16:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"PS: Desperate Housewives is the stupidest show on the fucking planet."
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-01-18 06:08:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-01-18 05:58:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Check out the Ladder theory of relationships between people... I can't be bothered to link to it.
I'm a nice guy too, and the girls i've missed due to being "friends" were a fucking heartbreak... I'm just starting to figure out where I went wrong though, so i'm learning to read when kindness will be detrimental to me and my efforts, and when it is beneficial to a friend.
Submitted by krootons (user info) at 2005-01-18 05:42:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You have most of 'em pegged.
"Never trust a whore who says she doesen't want money. They all do. What they mean is they
want more money.. much more."
-Burroughs
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-01-18 02:47:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'd love to put a label on this 'Wazza approved.'
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2005-01-18 02:10:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellant and entertaining.
Submitted by wasabi (user info) at 2005-01-18 01:53:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2005-01-18 01:26:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was excellent, and made me laugh. I don't think men are misogynist for expressing the things about women that frustrate them. (The same goes for women complaining about men.) You did it in a way that was entertaining and funny, and you touched on a lot of truths.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-01-18 01:24:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
My best friend is a girl and we have a great relationship because she acts like a guy. However, I've encountered shimmers of a Girlfriend personality in her and it scares me. I know that all girls are entitled to act girly, but don't go bitching about equility one minute to asking me to buy you shoes or tell you how pretty you look the next.
The thing is, if one of my guy friends is annoying the fuck out of me, I'll tell him to fuck off and we'll be okay the next day. With a girl, she will internalize it as some sign from God that the world HATES her and that she's done EVERYTHING wrong and we won't speak for months because she's busy crying in a corner being depressed. Most girls need to lighten up.
Ugh. I blame my mother.
Submitted by Mister_Fahrenheit (user info) at 2005-01-18 01:21:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-01-18 01:06:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
My God, WHERE do you men find these women? 75% of my friends are men. They tell me I'm pretty cool because most of our conversations go as follows;
Me: Hey, you wanna go bike riding with me this weekend?
Him: Yeah maybe, gotta see what's on the agenda.
Me: Ok, lemme know.
That's it.
I don't think you're all that misogynistic (at least I hope you're not). I think you're just probably frustrated.
Take a few weeks off from them.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-01-18 00:53:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When it comes to compliments, women are ravenous, bloodsucking
monsters, always wanting more, more, more! And if you give it to 'em,
you'll get back plenty in return.
-- Homer Simpson
Lisa the Beauty Queen
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-01-18 00:48:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm disappointed in you, Stevie... who knew that you were such a jerk inside. Or a misogynist. My fantasy world has been effectively deflated.
Unfortunately, this was well written, and my policy on rating the post and not the opinion keeps me from being able to give you less than a +2. But I'm gonna go eat a pint of ice cream to soothe my guilt over it.
Submitted by Umbilical_Cord (user info) at 2005-01-17 23:30:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by newio (user info) at 2005-01-17 23:15:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hit the nail on the head
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-01-17 23:13:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
slightly whiney..but good.
i feel your pain, i have often been the "nice guy" to many a female friend.
you put it well.
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2005-01-17 23:12:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
firefly
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-01-17 23:11:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The last part of this post was typed while talking to one of the stupid bitches I spoke of. Seriously, why do girls call to tell you about their days when NOTHING HAPPENED? If it was something slightly funny or amusing, I'd enjoy it. But if you're calling to tell me what happened on Oprah, then I really don't give a fuck.
ARRGGGERHHHHHHGHRHRGH
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2005-01-17 23:00:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You tell it like it is.
Submitted by Jimmy (user info) at 2005-01-17 22:51:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh my God! Space aliens! Don't eat me, I have a wife and kids! Eat
them.
-- Homer Simpson
Treehouse of Horror VII