I am the seed of my mother's incestuous infidelity (1187 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.92 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by VodkaFace (View user info) at 2005-01-18 04:38:31 EST
I have the unfortunate tendancy to say wholly inappropriate things during the worst possible times. One example was at a recent funeral ( http://www.ubersite.com/m/55523 ), another example, which I am going to recount for you here, was at a family reunion about four months ago.
Before I begin, I want you to know I love my mother very much. I didn't know my father (who my mom lovingly refers to as fuckface) at all, and so my life as a child was formed around my mother and two sisters. My mom has always been there for me, and has always tried to teach me that women aren't objects. My uncle however, did well to counteract those teachings and so you get the horrible mess of sexual confusion that is me. In short, my uncle rocked. My mother also rocked, but as much as I love her, she had a tendancy to get on the ragged ends of my nerves and to this day knows how to push my buttons.
Anyhow, about four months ago, my grandparents, knowing the end was nigh, decided to organize a family reunion. Of course, everyone was invited and a surprising number overcame geographical and emotional boundaries to be there, since my grandparents are very well off and everyone wants a piece of the inheritance. My grandparents, being the sadistic old fucks they are, know this and do things like this periodically just to keep everyone on their greedy little toes. This is my family.
The reunion was set up in one of the local city parks, since a)it was free and b)it was extremely difficult to find. Once relatives overcame the signifigant hurdle of actually finding the place, they had to contend with not only winos and pigeons, but the cheapest picnicware on the face of the planet. Anyone who has had to eat out of doors can tell you that good paper plates, napkins, and plasticware are essential to a tolerable dining experience. My grandparents, having seen more days than God Himself, also knew this and made it a point to obtain the worst picnic supplies they could find. I swear to God when I say the plates were made out of tissue paper, they were that thin. Try eating a burnt slab of glorified tripe with those clear plastic forks and knifes and you will truly be prepared for the seventh ring of hell. I think I'm still shitting out plastic fork splinters.
So, with the reunion in full swing and everyone choking down warm soda with pieces of charcoal that tasted vaugely like a cross between cardboard and beef, my grandparents sat back, enjoyed the suffering of others, and waited patiently for a confrontation.
They didn't have to wait long.
After having eaten the minimum portion of subpar picnic food allowable by law, I crossed the street to the local liquor store where I was not at all surprised to find my aforementioned uncle perusing an issue of Easyrider with a fifth of vodka tucked under his arm. Carl, (my awesome uncle's name) looked at me, winked and tossed the magazine back on the rack.
"You wanna split this?"
Without a second thought to the possible consequenses, I agreed and Carl and I snuck back to the reunion with the booze. As we sat under a tree away from the crowd, making the toxic punch (you know, the kind that comes in milk jugs and sells for about .30 cents a gallon?) much more palatable, I began to reminice with Carl about all the times that my mother had taken my sisters' sides when I was younger. My uncle nodded and mixed another punch bomber.
"Well, when your mom and I were growin' up, she had me and your uncle Jack for brothers. We ganged up on her all the time so I guess she's just getting her revenge. Sorry." I took another powerful swig of the vodka/punch combo and noticed that my mind was starting to swim.
"Yeah, well, it's kind of fucked up that she would do something like that."
"Well, at least she didn't dress you like a girl..." I nodded, feeling a slight pang of resentment towards my mother. "...More than once or twice." my uncle finished. I looked up at him, trying to convince myself that he was kidding. He only chuckled and stood up, leaving me with the remainder of the fifth.
As I sat under the tree, drinking the worst possible type of alcohol I could get my hands on, I started to contemplate the fact that my mom would routinely call me and give me shit for what I could see as no reason whatsoever. I became bitter. I became resentful. I became...Belligerent.
As I walked back towards the reunion, shitfaced and angrily mumbling things I would like to say to my mother, I saw my grandparents - her mother and father - sitting in folding chairs near the bathrooms, surveying the scene. They watched me with growing interest as I stalked towards my mother, who was happily discussing fashion with my two snotty sisters. As I neared her position, I realized I had nothing to say that would make any sense. In a drunken panic, I clutched at a bunch of words that were whirling around in my head and jammed them together.
I stopped directly behind her and stood, hands on my hips, feet spread wide in what I imagined was a defiant and intimidating pose.
"I AM THE SEED OF YOUR INCESTUOUS INFIDELITY AND THAT IS WHY YOU TREAT ME LIKE GARBAGE!!!"
The entire reunion stopped and looked at me. I had just declared jihad on my own mother.
Unbeknownst to me at the time, my grandparents were laughing like fools, holding each other and trying to stave off a stroke. This was what they had been waiting for. This was the show. My mother looked at me like I had just taken out my eyeball and tried to offer it to her on a cracker. My sisters looked like...Well, they looked perfect in my opinion. They both had their mouths in perfect "O" shapes, and their eyes were so wide, I could have slapped them in the back of their heads and sent their eyeballs flying. Never had such a look of naked shock been so satisfying to behold. Off in the distance, a wino laughed.
My uncle Carl came running full tilt, trying to stop the madness before my kind, sweet, hellcat of a mother got over her initial shock and started jackslapping me into oblivion. Carl was about two seconds too late. My mother stood, made a face I will never forget for the rest of my natural life, and jawjacked me. The last thing I heard was my grandparents maniac laughter.
I came to in the hospital and for a second thought my splitting headache was a result of the vodka. Then I remembered how headaches are in the top of the skull and not on the right side of the chin and suddenly I remembered the face my mom had made right before she clocked me. Saying it was a mad face is like saying sex is useful, it doesn't even begin to describe.
Later, I was released with a fractured jaw and a minor concussion from falling to the concrete. My uncle Carl came to my house and sat with me. He proceeded to tell me what had happened after I went unconscious. He told me that the reunion suddenly went into overdrive, what with me laying on the ground bleeding and my grandparents having trouble breathing from laughing so hard. The new rumor is that I'm set to inherit my grandparent's fortune. Apparently old people get off on seeing a guy get laid out by his mother. I have no complaints.
User Reviews
Submitted by The_Walrus (user info) at 2005-01-21 17:54:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are the new face of Uber.
I am not worthy!
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-01-21 16:45:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
professorfuckface is you dad?!?
Submitted by wtf_is_going_on (user info) at 2005-01-21 15:03:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I love this site!
FUCK NMMI PEOPLE!
Submitted by MaximusPadus (user info) at 2005-01-21 09:50:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
all of your incest are belong to your mother
Submitted by VodkaFace (user info) at 2005-01-20 17:54:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, and all I had to do was get punched in the face!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-01-20 14:11:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You just earned yourself an extra $10K!
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-01-18 22:53:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's awesome. I'm glad my mom has never "jawjacked" me, or whatever you said. I think if my mom hit me, they'd have to hire mathematicians to locate the spot my head landed in.
Submitted by engine13 (user info) at 2005-01-18 19:41:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweet. I can't believe I missed this earlier. I love your stuff so far.
Submitted by yermom (user info) at 2005-01-18 18:34:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love stories where the hero gets pwned
Submitted by bossk (user info) at 2005-01-18 17:12:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This sounds like it would be a great TV show, or movie.
Submitted by gbusman (user info) at 2005-01-18 16:59:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know what a jackslap or a jawjack is, but it sounds painful.
-Bus
Submitted by CATHAIL (user info) at 2005-01-18 16:34:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
PLUS MOTHER FUCKING TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2005-01-18 12:48:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-01-18 05:25:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
This reminds me of the time that my 80 year old Grannie got soused on whisky at my cousin's wedding reception and proceeded to announce to every grandkid she had exactly what was wrong with them, and when she got to me, she informed the family that she "couldn't insult me. Being the milkman's baby was insult enough."
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wow, that sucks
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-01-18 11:06:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
MO
THER
FUCK
That was funny as fuck.
But at least you'll get a shit load of cash if the rumors are true...
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-01-18 10:04:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You said what to your mother?!
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-01-18 05:35:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My girl wants to party all the time,
party all the time, party all the time
My girl wants to party all the time,
party all the time, she parties all the time
Whoooohooohoohoo (party all the time)
She likes to party all the time (party all the time)
Whoooohooohoohoo (party all the time)
She likes to party all the time (party all the time)
Submitted by krootons (user info) at 2005-01-18 05:31:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny shit.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-01-18 05:25:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This reminds me of the time that my 80 year old Grannie got soused on whisky at my cousin's wedding reception and proceeded to announce to every grandkid she had exactly what was wrong with them, and when she got to me, she informed the family that she "couldn't insult me. Being the milkman's baby was insult enough."
I sense my next post a-brewin'
Submitted by DyingBreed (user info) at 2005-01-18 05:24:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-01-18 05:18:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha! Excellent.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-01-18 05:16:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny stuff... nice story.
Submitted by matchoo (user info) at 2005-01-18 05:10:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
heh. this was great.
Submitted by Mister_Fahrenheit (user info) at 2005-01-18 05:06:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by totkid (user info) at 2005-01-18 05:03:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
infidelity - when someone has sex with a person who is not their wife, husband, or partner
LONGMAN DICTIONARY OF CONTEMPORARY ENGLISH
Submitted by VodkaFace (user info) at 2005-01-18 04:56:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Well Berty, my mom and I get along as well as we can, and I'm not so hard on her, it was just that vodka doesn't agree with me under the best of circumstances. By the way, this incident is where I got my user name.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-01-18 04:44:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You shouldn't be so hard on your Mum. I'm sure she loves you and just worries about you, plus raising kids is hard work so if she gets tired or seems manipulative it's just her trying to do the best she can.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2005-01-18 04:42:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You got laid........ out by your mom. Nice.