Tossing Out Advice Like Spare Change (560 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.75 on 6 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by moneyshot (View user info) at 2005-01-18 16:09:27 EST
Out of total boredom I opened the local rag in Sacramento to a random page and found myself reading the advice column "Ask Joey." Not only do I hate advice columns, ten step programs and self help books I forced myself to read this pathetic whiny little paragraph and before long I became addicted to reading them every week. I was obsessed. Just like I used to read the obituaries for a while and wonder to myself how someone's life could be summed up in a few neatly constructed sentences, I began to wonder why people felt the need to ask complete strangers for help fucking up their lives. What makes this Joey lady the authority on relationships, dating, kids, cooking and whatever else anyone has trouble making up their minds doing?
So in light of my new obsession I decided to deconstruct everyone's letter and dole out a little of advice of my own. My own take on things. I mean, if Joey can do it, why can't I? Besides, I would probably be a thousands times more blunt and cynical on my observations. These people want help? Well, allow me to offer my services courtesy of my blog: Deluded Advice For Gullible People.
Here's my first entry for all of you uberers out there. I hope you enjoy.
Hey Man, Your Spanish Fly's Open...
This week's sagely advice from our very own Joey Garcia addresses the classic "guy asking his brother to take out a friend of his girlfriend from Mexico and show her around for the weekend" story we hear of so often these days. One could only assume that he gladly abliged his bro by taking her out to the elegant but affordable Cafe Parison where they might have dined on arugula salad with pears and asiago. More than likely, he then escorted her to operatic masterpiece "La Traviata" by Giuseppe Verdi to conclude a magnificent evening and expose her to the very best of American nightlife. No? Well, after reading this guy's letter for help, in which he sounds like a complete jerkoff, I can safely say that their evening out consisted of little more than dinner at some cheap restaurant (probably Applebee's) and a few rounds at his favorite sports bar. Let's dive head first into the situation. From the horse's mouth:
Dear Joey, my brother introduced me to a girl who was a friend of his girlfriend. She wasn't my type, but she was visiting from Mexico, and he pressured me to "show her a good time."
Now what could his brother mean by this vague "show her a good time" statement? Surely, he didn't think he meant...
I took her out a couple of times, and we slept together.
Well, guess that answers that. Much winking and high-fiving probably ensued. But perhaps I'm being a little overly cynical here. Just maybe from the moment they met they were irresistibly drawn to eachother. Their interesting and exciting conversations added to their intense physical attraction and before long they were caught in the throes of passion and ecstasy. Oh pour être dans l'amour.
We went out a few more times with my brother and his girlfriend. It was OK, but she is not my type. She's clingy and overweight. When she returned home, she e-mailed me daily.
Don't like the fatties, eh? Too bad. And he says she is clingy as well. You mean to tell me you slept with a woman and she wanted to talk to you afterwards? The nerve of that bitch. Seriously though, this guy is a certifiable asshole. He goes on to say that she ended up moving to the States soon after their first encounter and night of drunken debauchery. She then asked him to help her get a job which he did. Then she asked him to take her out again and you guessed it, he did but only as another favor to his brother. Predictably, they ended up sleeping together again but only after they drank heavily beforehand he noted. This guy's a total pushover. I mean, what's next? "Hey bro, can you stick your penis in that light socket over there? Awesome!" The guy makes it sound like sleeping with her was his only option. I love how people never want to accept responsiblity for their actions. My bro made me do it. My dog made me do it. Aliens made me do it. Jodie Foster made me do it, etc.
Ok, so this next part baffles me. Maybe you can help.
The next day, while I was at work, she moved her stuff from her friend's house to mine. I told her to move out, but she refuses. I don't want to throw her out. She says she is in love with me and that I'm everything she ever wanted.
How the fuck did she get into your house if you were at work?! And moving in a day? It took me three the last time. Some sinister forces are truly at work here. I got a good laugh out of "I told her to move out, but she refuses. I don't want to throw her out." If some crazy wackjob moved into my house without me knowing while I was at work I'd send them packing. In the nicest way possible of course because you are dealing with a mentally unstable person here who might be prone to stabbing you in the face. If this really happened, I don't think we're hearing both sides of the story here. What about calling the cops to remove her from your property? Obviously, this guy wants us to believe that she is insanely obsessed and thus in the wrong. He ends by pleading:
How can I make her understand that I think of her as a friend?
Oh, I dunno. Maybe you could start by not sleeping with her anymore. That usually sends the opposite message than what you're trying to send. George Carlin said it best when he said "Here's something you'll never hear: 'Stop sucking my dick or I'll call the cops.'" This guy is totally getting off on the supposedly unwanted attention he's getting. I doubt he would let it go this far without secretly getting his jollies by manipulating this woman. Let's see if Joey sets him straight.
Joey says: You are dating and having sex with a woman that you are not attracted to, and you think she has a problem? Might I suggest that her problem is you and that your problem is you, too? The antidote is honesty. If you take a woman out, have sex with her, correspond, claim she is not your type but have more sex, and then protest when she moves in, you're sending a double message. Don't blame her for selecting the version that she prefers. Blame yourself for being inconsistent and confusing.
Well, as much as I hate to say it, Joey's right on this time. We agree this time. Except for that last line should be amended to "Blame yourself for being a douche and all around manipulative bastard."
My blog which is updated weekly is located here http://www.dearjoeyfuckyou.blogspot.com/ if you care to keep up and read.
User Reviews
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-01-19 11:45:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Nice post. Must ask tho, why the beef with Applebee's? It ain't that bad around here.
Submitted by cheruboo (user info) at 2005-01-18 18:17:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good, the only bad part is a few sentences in the beginning that don't go anywhere.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-01-18 17:36:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So many misguided men, so little time.
Er... I mean, good post!
Submitted by L-Gizzle (user info) at 2005-01-18 17:27:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i never realized i had any uber-ers near me. i live in citrus heights, right near sunrise mall
Submitted by moneyshot (user info) at 2005-01-18 17:16:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Midtown my man. Midtown.
Submitted by L-Gizzle (user info) at 2005-01-18 17:11:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
dude, where in sac do you live?