Caught With My Pants Down: A Treatise on Shitting (1693 hits)
Category: GraphicsLabels: ETS_Comedy_Writing
Rating: 1.91 on 30 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (View user info) at 2005-01-18 23:58:23 EST
So I was sitting on the toilet today in the throes of a diarrhea-induced meditation, when I became suddenly aware of the complete and utter state of helplessness in which one is placed while on the porcelain pot
I mean, when you think about it...REALLY think about it, what is the worst place to be in the event of terrorist attack?
Give up?
Well, I say surely it has to be on the shitter! Some may say airplane, but I contend it's the shitter on the airplane. Some may say it's fucking in a very uncomfortable place, but I say fucking on the shitter. (Which is quite nice, by the way... You should try it.) Some may say quietly praying at the alter or in the confessional of their local church or synagogue, but I say...well, you see where I am going with this...
I can't be the only one to whom this makes sense! Tell me I'm not crazy!
For instance: can you honestly think of a movie in which terrorists take over a building or some shit and there is NOT some helpless bastard with crap coming out his ass being dragged out of the bathroom and stood up with the rest of the hostages - pants down and junk dangling? Of COURSE you haven't...because that would be giving the terrorists ideas!
It even states in article 100,000,000, subsection 2 of the Geneva convention that you're not allowed to attack an opponent while he's taking a shit... Samurai warriors considered it dishonorable to attack an opponent in the midst of defecation, not to mention just plain nasty.
Great generals throughout history have recognized this fundamental vulnerability in their soldiers, and the subsequent flaw it produced in their ranks... and yes, there was a pun in there somewhere, but I don't have time for all that nonsense... This is serious business, and unless we address this weakness immediately, we will all end up like Elvis - hacked to death on our own shitter by a band of ninjas!
You might say it was the pills and the indigestion, but I think it was ninjas...
ZIPIT! It was ninjas...
Moving right along, I'd like to pose another question to you, my venerable readership... Where is the worst place to be during a natural disaster?
...a medical emergency in the family?
...a fight between those two bastard children you're sorry you ever produced?
...the announcement of a big sale over at K-Mart?
Yes I know that's four questions, but that just goes to illustrate the earnestness and imminence of this consideration...
What if you were taking a shit and a tornado came and ripped the roof off your house!? Would you get up off the pot and run? Or duck? Or cover?
No, of course not! You'd be forced to stay right there and marvel at the way the wind just fung-shei'd your roof into the neighbor's yard while you wiped your ass with pieces of insulation from the trailer park that now sits in your living room. But hey, you've always wanted a collection of commemorative NASCAR coffee mugs anyway haven't you?
Fuck no, you haven't! You've wanted them about as much as you've always wanted a punch in the nose...or a matching set of popcorn tins...I mean, WHAT THE FUCK!?!?
What would you do if there was an earthquake and you were taking the biggest shit of your life on the second floor of an apartment complex...and the floor caved in...then you and your fecal friends came tumbling down on the unsuspecting tenants below? Assuming you survived the fall unscathed, would you say 'excuse me'? Would you attempt to use the air freshener as a sort of state-of-emergency semblance of decency and etiquette???
HELL NO YOU WOULDN'T! You'd do the only thing any of us COULD do, and that's just lay there in the revelry of waste-expulsion while the rescue workers assessed the damage around you...and perhaps picked your stinky ass up off the downstairs tenant's linoleum with a crane, or some big fucking hazmat tweezers.
How would you like to be in the middle of the most satisfying dump you've ever taken when the aliens finally decide to invade? How fucking PERFECT would that be, seeing as how you've only spent your ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE searching for extra-terrestrial intelligence, and when they finally decide to do what you've always been telling everyone they will do, you have to miss it because your asshole is leaking?
Well, my friends...you can surely see the age-old quandary being presented here. It would seem as if there is just no good solution to the curse that God hath bestowed upon his sons and daughters that they must bear in exchange for the lease of the body. It would seem that the human race might be doomed to the cycles of mindless eating and fearful shitting for all eternity...
Or, WOULD IT?
User Reviews
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-02-08 14:31:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2005-01-19 12:54:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-01-19 12:12:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yea, maybe this would have been more appropriate on Shit Post Thursday?
Submitted by Pharathyse (user info) at 2005-01-19 10:11:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh dear Lord....
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-01-19 09:33:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Shit post! Ha ahhh.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-01-19 09:26:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Stina: Have a safe trip...and a great time! Good luck guys!
Bob: It is a sad state of affairs when grown men still need to be 'trained' to use the restroom... This certainly supports my theory about military personnel - that you're all full of shit. :P
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-01-19 08:35:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Actually, the army trains you to go to the bathroom before going into a mission.
Probably the absolute worst place to be during a natural disaster would be a port-a-shitter. If that puppy gets knocked over, you're in deep shit. Literally.
Submitted by bklyn65 (user info) at 2005-01-19 07:25:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-01-19 07:12:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-01-19 04:45:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just what I needed to start my Wednesday.
Which, incidentally, happens to be my last full day in the office before I go on holiday :o)
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-01-19 01:31:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thank you GLALL... You're such a loving and understanding father-to-be.
I don't know about you, but I know that children are the future! And whatever it takes to give them every opportunity to succeed in a loving, caring, and accepting environment, that's what I am committed to!
...even if that means chopping off their hand in favor of a chainsaw...that's just what we, as parents are bound by the laws of unconditional love to provide.
*tear forms on my eye and drops onto pressed rose within the pages of the Necronomicon*
Submitted by Lunch_Pail (user info) at 2005-01-19 01:29:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-01-19 01:23:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think that Bruce would want it that way. Sticking smokes up your ass is a surefire way to pick up chicks at bars, and I'll be damned if I don't force jokes on my son with constant sexual innuendos and violence to make sure he grows up just like him. Make sure you do the same, and make sure he gets in bed by nine and quits hanging out with those bastard children at school that bully him but let him pal around for friendship. Tell him to buy a gun and shop smart. Shop S-Mart.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-01-19 01:12:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
But is it at least ok if I make him addicted to putting lit cigarettes up Bruce Campbell's ass while the Ash-man farts?
...the resulting fireworks would surely rule ass!
Hail to the King, baby!
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-01-19 01:04:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You have allowed me to poop in public once again ETS. For that I will send you my first-born child when it is born. I expect it back at the age of 5 and he better not be addicted to cigarettes and your odd sexual fascinations with Ash from Army of Darkness. I think I can handle that one myself.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-01-19 00:51:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
GLALL: I have solved that problem by getting up and walking out of the stall to the sink, where I strategicall wet a few pieces of the shitty paper they DO have, being careful not to wet it too much, and then wiping my ass right there...clutching my kitana.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-01-19 00:47:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I say to hell with public bathrooms period. I've heard so many people beat off in the stalls next to me it's ridiculous. No one ever has quality toilet paper either. Doesn't anyone carry aloe-vera covered pieces of pure silk to wipe your ass with? Cheapskates.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-01-19 00:45:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, fucking thanks alot Midnight! Now I have one more thing to worry about!
Submitted by TheMidnight12AM (user info) at 2005-01-19 00:43:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Reminds me of the scene in the first Jurassic Park, where the guy goes to take a dump and is snapped up by the T-Rex.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-01-19 00:40:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
no...I would contend that it was more of a Twinkie sich-i-ashun...
Hey, remember when we damn near burned the fucking place down on accident and we found those pornos in that truck? We must have jacked off for weeks to that shit!
Submitted by DyingBreed (user info) at 2005-01-19 00:35:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
um, no......canned dog food dude
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-01-19 00:32:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Dying Breed is just trying to flatter me...*blushes*
In reality it was more like a bundle of petrified, moldy twinkies...
Submitted by DyingBreed (user info) at 2005-01-19 00:30:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
yeah, you guys should see ETS's shit. it looked like canned fucking dogfood. its thick as fuck, and i KNOW he would be easy to slip a cock inside.
we were fucking around in an old abandoned gas station one day, and he had to take a shit. dude, fucking canned dogfood.
Submitted by Mister_Fahrenheit (user info) at 2005-01-19 00:21:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-01-19 00:19:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
who am I kidding? I take a dumb everywhere as it is.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-01-19 00:16:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Heh, Impassive... looks like I am not as alone in the world as i might have guessed... but it still begs the question: do you fear the ninjas? I live in America, and I am mortified of ninja bathroom attack...but you live like right in their lair and shit! I would just take a dumb in full view of everyone if I were you, so at least there'll be witnesses!
Submitted by DyingBreed (user info) at 2005-01-19 00:15:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
thought provoking
you get a - for the terrible photoshop job though.
ive always thought it would be terrible to be murdered or robbed while a turd hung halfway out your ass. ive also thought it would suck to be taken hostage in a bank robbery in the middle of a shit. damn dude, let me wipe my ass first!
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-01-19 00:13:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2005-01-19 00:07:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Couldn't agree more.
I am convinced that the next major earthquake in Japan will occur when I am either showering or sitting on the can. I even wrote about it, and now I am going be a dirty little linkwhore:　http://www.ubersite.com/m/42208
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-01-19 00:00:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Fucking proofreading