The war resumes (1635 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.57 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tom <theubertom.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-01-19 01:27:51 EST
When I first moved into my home here in California, I moved into a one story, two bath, 5 bedroom bungalow of awesome. It had a huge back yard with a garden and palm trees and a lawn and huge trees and a wall and some dirt and everything you could imagine being in a yard except for Shrek. Shrek was not in my yard.
We primarily battle two things here. Termites and ants. It gets bad in the winter, not because it's cold, but because it rains and floods like no other place I've ever lived. All the ants come into the house and eat my food, use the television and bathroom, and look at porn on my computer. Nasty incest porn at that. They always download it onto the hard drive too. As I was saying, they always invade the house in an attempt to find a new place to live, and I crush them all. Hundreds at a time. Nothing can be left on the counters, and with 6-8 people in the house at any given moment, it can be kind of hard.
This morning was no different. I spotted a few scout ants and killed them. I'm a nice guy and all, but they die. They die in fasions that not even Satan himself could conceive.
Last month we had the annual pilgrimage of ants where half of the nest breaks off, trekks across the patio, and nests somewhere else. Every year I terrorize the pilgrimage. This year was no different. This year was actually quite a bit worse than any before. The patio was blackened at times. I grabbed my guns and shot to kill. Millions.
If you can kill off some of their numbers, their new nests will be unsuccessful.
This year has been awful. I didn't understand why until recently. I have a wood heap behind the pond to decompose so it will be a safe sanctuary for all the little woodland creatures that find relief in my desert not deserty place. I was turning it and breaking some of it up (very little of it had even started to rot away) and I found BILLIONS of ants and termites swarming all over the place. I nearly screamed because I'm a bitch and had to run to my garage to grab chemicals. I got an even better idea though.
Five minutes later, there was a fire in the fire pit. Oh yeah!
Log after log went in. Termite upon termite were scorched. They'd try to fly and die in hilarious fasions, as they were all on fire and looked like little fire blobs streaking through the sky and crashing. I couldn't help but laugh, not because I'm one of those people that laughs uneasily at movies when someone dies to show I'm evil and badass, but because it was funny just that they tried to get away. Some ants died too.
I finished burning everything not an hour ago, and I'm not seeing quite as many ants everywhere now. I rock.
--
On a completely different story note, my aunt has come to visit. If you weren't told, I also have a pug. If you weren't told also, pugs have no control over their hunger triggers, so they will literally eat 20% of their body weight in a sitting. Well my dear auntie, oh how much I love her, fed her at 5 am when she woke up and filled up her entire bowl. Hope, the dog, finished half of the dish before giving up. Her stomach reminded me of a canteen. It was full and if you flicked a coin onto it, I'm sure it would bounce off.
She got into the garage and ate all the cat food today too. Speaking of catfood, the cats poop in the garden, then the pug goes in, digs it up and eats it. Sometimes I don't know why people breed these things. They're like Downsy kids. Stupid, happy, and they eat too much.
User Reviews
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-01-22 08:01:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
pesky ants
Submitted by butterball (user info) at 2005-01-21 20:06:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh man i really love pugs
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2005-01-21 11:46:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
firefly.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-01-19 12:51:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awwwwww
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-01-19 11:35:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Puppy!!!
But you should have added speach like "MWAAHAHAHAHAHA I am lord over all ants and termites, SHUDDER AT MY MIGHTY POWERS!"
or something like that...
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2005-01-19 10:29:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Meh. Termite story was okay, but the pug stuff was funny.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-01-19 10:16:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When we first moved into our house, we had gophers or some sort of small burrowing creatures in the yard. It's kind of hard to identify the bodies once the dogs do their exterminating. Apparently they are quite delicious especially the heads.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-01-19 09:01:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah cat poop to a dog is like a steak dinner to us human's they love it.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-01-19 08:40:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The answer to all of your problems is diesel fuel. Dump a little into the anthill, and watch them run. Then drop the match.
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2005-01-19 06:48:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You heartless murderer!!!
Anything to do with fire is fun, and when it is actually productive its even more fun.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-01-19 06:36:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Rawrg (user info) at 2005-01-19 05:22:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Terro II, buy it at any hardware or convenience store. They take it back to their nest and they all die.
Submitted by Katastrofadark (user info) at 2005-01-19 04:02:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate the winter colonies of ants. We put out ant stakes ALL over the house and they are guaranteed gone ine about a week.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-01-19 03:39:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-01-19 03:24:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It was a pretty good post until the end, when you said this: "They're like Downsy kids. Stupid, happy, and they eat too much."
Then I just thought you were an ass.
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2005-01-19 02:41:41 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Try putting some sugar or honey around the nest ,maybe they will stay out.I have done this before.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-01-19 02:11:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
cool beans.
Submitted by seanfogy (user info) at 2005-01-19 01:47:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've always wanted to see how far I could kick one of those dogs. I bet I could make one fly across a street if I got a good run at it.
Submitted by ikebomber (user info) at 2005-01-19 01:37:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2005-01-19 01:34:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Fire will solve most household pest problems.
Submitted by Lunch_Pail (user info) at 2005-01-19 01:32:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment