Find them! Feds hunt ‘terror team of Asians’ as pols appeal for calm (863 hits)
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Submitted by j t <jcricket1120.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-01-20 14:02:09 EST
Authorities are scouring Boston for four Yellow People and two brown men who may pose a nuclear threat to the city based on a report from an unidentified man calling from Mexico who claims to have smuggled them over the U.S. border.
``They got a call from across the border in Mexico to the California Highway Patrol several days ago, and he said he brought two brown people and four Yellow (individuals) across the border and according to him, they stated soon to follow behind them would be some sort of (spicy) material, possibly curry or fish sauce,'' said a law enforcement source.
``He refers to some sort of nuclear material that will follow them through New York up into Boston, possibly using the cheap-ass, uncomfortable, $30 Fung-wah bus.''
Federal authorities in Boston identified the Yellow nationals being sought for questioning as Oo Eee, Oo Aah Aah, Ching Chang and Walla Walla Bing Bang. Authorities also have reason to believe that they are all related in some way, because "hell, they all are".
As evidence of the upcoming paranoia and stupidity, in Somerville, an MBTA bus driver dropped off two passengers she thought looked like two of the suspects on flyers handed out by transit police. But after police converged on a Dunkin' Donuts near the Assembly Square Mall, the suspects dissappeared into the sea of Yellow people that live in that area. Although Somerville police wanted to, no one was beaten and no arrests were made. The woman called because the two suspects had what was described as "dark hair", "tan skin", and "slanty eyes". Police later realized that the bus driver was "full of shit" because she thinks that they all look alike. Although that is true, authorities let her stew in her own stupidity anyway.
Menino downplayed the threat, urging residents to partake in their normal activities. ``Public safety is our first priority,'' Menino said, "we should all go about our normal business of discriminating against them in our own little sublte ways while simultaneously praising them for the great, submissive, hard-working people that they are. And if you come across a wicked good, english-speaking Yellow person please continue to compliment them on how well their English is. Scientific studies show that they love that."
White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card told the Herald last night that President Bush [related, bio] was informed of the uncorroborated Boston threat at his daily intelligence briefing yesterday morning.
``I'm shocked it made it into the newspaper because I don't think it is something that has been fully vetted,'' Card said. ``It was during the intelligence briefing when we were teaching the President antonyms, such as good and bad, hot and cold, rich and poor . . . the president was given this sketchy intelligence. It was truly sketchy intelligence, but . . . anytime you hear the words that surround this kind of intelligence, it invites greater scrutiny.''
A man from Bush's administration has also said, "With the 'sketchy intelligence', now that the president thinks that there may be Chinese Nationals in Boston with possible plans involving nuclear weapons... we are now going to launch a full scale attack into Canada...because as we all know, Asians like to go to clubs, and Toronto and Montreal are fairly close with large Asian, clubbing populations."
Attorney General Tom Reilly also downplayed the seriousness of the tip last night. ``We don't even know if these individuals are in the country,'' Reilly said, adding ``it's information that needs to be followed up, but it really wouldn't hurt to make everyone deathly afraid of those crafty asians. They're really good at math you know.''
Sources said much of the man's information sounds far-fetched and investigators have some doubts about the caller's validity because he has not identified himself. ``A lot of it doesn't make sense and some of it does,'' said one source. ``It's totally uncorroborated. This all began several days ago as a series of phone calls and they don't know who the caller is. There are some parts of it that just don't make sense and other little pieces of it that fall into place. Just to make certain though, we might as well arrest a few dozen tan-colored people. I mean it really couldn't hurt right?''
Multiple sources said there is speculation the caller may have been ripped off by the illegal aliens and is now trying to exact revenge.
``It's very weird. Even if (the Iraqis and Chinese) were going to do something, why would they be blabbing to the yahoo smuggling them across the border?'' one source noted. ``You have to wonder if they screwed him on a deal...there was one time I was haggling with some lady in NY over some pomegranates. We argued for what seemed like hours over $.30. Those people are ruthless... but you have to treat it seriously and the issue is how do you put it out to the public and not get everybody (in a panic about Asians)?''
One correspondent replied, "The answer is, 'you can't, dipshit'."
For the real article:
http://news.bostonherald.com/localRegional/view.bg?articleid=64402
User Reviews
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-01-20 16:08:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think the one on the left is Shlongy!
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2005-01-20 14:36:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
** IDIOT **
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2005-01-20 14:35:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Federal authorities in Boston identified the Yellow nationals being sought for questioning as Oo Eee, Oo Aah Aah, Ching Chang and Walla Walla Bing Bang. Authorities also have reason to believe that they are all related in some way, because "hell, they all are".
----------------
That was phuny as phuck!!
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2005-01-20 14:35:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I have to say something here...which is am I the only person who is aware that a 'dirty bomb' is the stupidest weapon in the entire world, even if no-one moved away and the radioactive material wasn't cleared up for a whole year, there would still be no casualties apart from those caused by the initial explosion, which would be no more lethal whatsoever due to the inclusion of radioactive material.
Even a small suitcase bomb would scatter any material packed with it, far enough for it to have only slight adverse effects and definately no deaths.
Don't automatically assume I'm wrong and call me an idiot...look into it, find out I'm right and then call me an idiot.
Submitted by hungovermondays (user info) at 2005-01-20 14:20:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
those slanty eyed, yellow fuckers are everywhere...or then again, maybe its just the same few people. they all look the same right?
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-01-20 14:18:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
i told the witch doctor...
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-01-20 14:03:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey think one of those is lost prophet's wife...........
on weed!