Is That A Penis Growing Out Of Your Shoulder? You Must Be In Tajikistan! (1513 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.93 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Zod (View user info) at 2005-01-20 17:06:47 EST
Welcome to the glorious country of Tajikistan. It is located north of Afghanistan in the Middle East. This country used to be a member of the glorious Soviet Union, until the pussies broke up. Now, it's a small country struggling for survival.
The country is slightly smaller than Wisconsin and ten times less cool, due to the significant lack of delicious cheese and the Green Bay Packers. So what does this fair land have instead of cheese and Brett Favre?
Uranium. Tons and tons of Uranium. Other natural resources include mercury, brown coal, and petroleum, all of which will kill you quite rapidly if you come into contact with. Instead of killing off all the newborn babies, however, this massive amount of natural radiation seems to be making super moms.
The birth rate per 1000 people is roughly 40, while the death rate is 8. If my calculations are correct, then the world will be overrun with trillions of Tajikistani by 2034. I suggest stocking up on 12-gauge rounds.
With such interesting and desired natural resources, you'd think this country would be raking in a lot of cash, or rubles, as it were. But no, for some reason, the GDP of the entire country is only 8.2 billion dollars a year. This is roughly equivalent to what McDonalds spends redesigning the artwork on their soda cups...per month. Why America hasn't just bought this country and exploited its resources is beyond me.
Final Thoughts: Before considering a trip to Tajikistan, ask yourself the following questions:
-Do you like living a mutation-free lifestyle? If so, then I heavily suggest avoiding the country or just the area in general.
-Do you want to work at a job that has a high abundance of cotton, grain, fruits, grapes, vegetables; cattle, sheep and goats to tend to? If not, then you may want to consider visiting Seattle instead. I'm sure there must be something good up there.
-Since Tajikistan is mainly up in the mountains in barely livable land, do you feel like paying 680,000 rubles a month to import water, electricity, natural gas, and air from neighboring countries? Yes, this is true, they actually import electricity. (Note: $1 = 153,229 rubles)
I hope my small guide has given you some help in choosing your next vacation destination.
User Reviews
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2005-01-21 12:07:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-01-20 21:26:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
That one to the north...
KYRGYZSTAN
=========================
My weird ass born-again Christian ex-roomate just went there for 6 weeks as a missionary.
I bet he didn't know about the whole "radiation" thing.
Hahaha!
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2005-01-21 01:01:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, thanks for telling me about the penis on my shoulder...I'm so embarassed. At least now I know why my wife keeps dropping me with a flying scissor leg lock.
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2005-01-21 00:59:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
peener
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2005-01-21 00:49:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When all those countries broke off from the Commies why the crap did they name all their countries stan this and stan that. This Stan fella must be something. I would've called my country something way better like Kickassvania or Bigpenisopia.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-01-21 00:27:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2005-01-20 23:28:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lordofthepost (user info) at 2005-01-20 22:53:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good Stuff
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-01-20 22:48:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-01-20 21:26:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That one to the north...
KYRGYZSTAN
HOW THE FUCK IS THAT A PRONOUNCABLE WORD????
Submitted by Benny (user info) at 2005-01-20 18:53:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very funny stuff. If you could pick your mutations it might be worth living there. I'm picturing a country full of super heroes in which case I don't think 12 guages will be enough.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-01-20 18:34:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would like to add your DNA to my baby milkshake.
Submitted by bossk (user info) at 2005-01-20 17:48:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
How do you pronounce the name of that town up near Uzbekistan? Coney-bottom?
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-01-20 17:47:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this was fucking hilarious, thanks
Submitted by transcendent (user info) at 2005-01-20 17:23:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed.. and was informed..