One Pissed Off Tiger Lilly -- A Different Angle (1168 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.82 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by NerfHerder <NerfHerder.at.comic.com> (View user info) at 2005-01-20 20:28:44 EST
"Sure Walter, you can drive," I said as I handed my husband the keys to our 1967 Ford Mustang. His eyes lit up and his toothless smile stretched from ear to ear. You'd be surprised how much more one can smile when there are no teeth in the way. What was even more surprising was the fact that I was letting my husband drive...6 years after his license had been revoked because of his poor sight.
"No, Mary, no. I love you too much to put you in danger. If it was just myself, I'd do it." Walter's smile faded as he put his hand onto my shoulder. I heard a crack in Walter's shoulder as it rotated towards me and glimpsed a wince in Walter's face. But Walter winced through it and finally got his hand up to me. "Mary, the gesture means a lot to me, but I can't drive. This night is too important. You're the better driver. You're the only driver, as far as I'm concerned."
I had never been more in love with that man than at that moment. I could see the lust in his eyes. Not for me and my old, sagging, wrinkly body. But for his old car, who never sagged or wrinkled. All it required was an oil change now and then and minor things here and there. Walter loved that car probably more than he loved me. But if he had to have a mistress, I was glad to know that it lived in our garage.
I led Walter out through the back door to our garage, making sure the doors were locked, lights were off, heat was turned down, no faucets dripping, TV off, and the like. On our fixed budget, we can't afford to let Dan Rather or Alex Trebek roam our house while we're not there.
I helped Walter into his beloved car, watching his hand glide over the cherry finish that he had waxed just two days earlier. The pride glowed around him. I smiled, then walked around to the driver's side. I fiddled with the keys, attempting to get them into the ignition, but failed. I checked the keys.
"Oh, I was trying the house key," I giggled as I found the right key and started the car. It purred to life, showing off Walter's life work.
"Just like new," Walter gummed out of his still-toothless mouth. Usually, Walter wears his teeth out in public, but tonight was a special night. For our 54th wedding anniversary, we were treating ourself to the opening of the new Greater's Ice Cream store on Stimson Avenue. The store had put a coupon in the local paper this morning, which Walter and I couldn't pass up. We're suckers for ice cream.
I backed the Mustang out of the garage and carefully pulled onto the road, letting my blinker stay on for a couple blocks just for fun. Walter always liked it when I did that. He found the rhythm soothing and peaceful. He would always turn down the radio when our blinker was on and wave his fingers back in forth in time with the blinker. I never understood how he could get such enjoyment out of something so simple. But whatever made Walter happy made me happy.
This particular night, I left the blinker on for even longer than I normally do. Two whole blocks. The cars behind me were beeping and honking and blaring the trying to alert me to the situation to which I already knew. I looked over at Walter, and there he was...swinging his fingers in the air to a car symphony that only he could hear.
I turned toward Walter and gave him a big smile. He turned toward me and gave me a goofy smile that showed off his gums. Then we laughed. We laughed our respective laughs that we had come to know over the past half-century. But at that point it was as if we had never heard each others' laughs before. Each snort was like an inspiration for me to laugh some more, and Walter just kept laughing because I was still laughing.
Our laughing was interrupted by a car horn coming not from behind us, but right in front of us. The laughing stopped immediately as my eyes glanced that our position had drifted well over the center lane. I saw a young couple in a Ford Taurus that were not in a good of a mood as we were. Their eye sockets and mouth holes were wider than any I had seen before.
And then we hit.
I had seen head-on collisions on television, and always cursed the drivers for being so careless. Only now did I understand the term "accident." I turned to face my beloved Walter immediately after we stopped spinning off of the road. He was still buckled in, but airbags were a commodity that were not developed when Walter's beloved 'Stang was rolled of the line.
Walter's head was lying against the dashboard, partially caved in. He was bleeding from this wound, as well as other wounds. In some cases, I couldn't tell where one began and the other one ended. I tilted Walter back and whispered his name,
"Walter...Walter...Walter...Walter...Walter....Walter...Walter...Walter...." My voice shook more and more every time I said his name. "Walter...Walter...Walter...Walter..."
"Hey, are you alright in he...oh shit." It was the voice of the man in the other car. Or some other man. I didn't know. I got out of the car and stumbled into the field, which was covered with snow. I hadn't thought to bring my snowpants. I didn't anticipate sharing the closest moment of my marriage and having it turn into the end of my marriage.
"Till death do us part...till death do us part..." I kept muttering as I stumbled away from the crash.
Walter's funeral was almost as hard, but not quite. Walter had always told me that he wanted to have an open casket, but the men at the funeral home told me that it wasn't an option. Even so, I asked them to put Walter's teeth back into his mouth. I wanted him to look presentable before they closed the casket for the last time.
When people say that the funeral is sometimes one of the easiest parts of death, I finally knew exactly what they were saying. At the funeral, I was surrounded by my relatives and my friends. I had never been able to have a child with Walter due to his exposure to radiation during the war, but at that moment, I was glad we didn't have any kids. I wouldn't want them to go through the pain that I was going through.
The hardest part of death is the night right after the funeral. Everyone kept asking me,
"Are you sure you don't need somebody to stay with you tonight?" And if anybody had actually wanted to stay with me and comfort me rather than just ask me because they had to, I would've taken them up on their offer.
That night, I knew it was cliché, but I stayed to my side of the bed and tried to believe that Walter was still right next to me. But without the snores, I couldn't truly convince myself that everything was the same.
Not even our cat, Jellybones, was sleeping with us...I mean me....in the bed tonight. That night I needed a warm body next to me. Whether it was the warm body of my husband or that of my trusty cat, I truly didn't care.
"Jellybones!" I yelled in a whisper. After all, I didn't want to wake up my husband.
"C'mere kitty kitty kitty," I pleaded more than commanded. Eventually, I got up and found Jellybones myself. Sleeping in the old Mustang. I broke down and cried. Jellybones missed Walter just as much as I did. After my cry, I felt better. My head had cleared a little, and a thought came to mind. I had to move on. I had to get out of this funk. I had friends who were still grieving over their husbands, who had been dead 10 years. I didn't want to be one of those people.
I decided to sell the Mustang.
The man I sold it to was the spitting image of Walter when he was a younger man. When he first approached me, I started to call Walter to me to let him see what a spitting image this young man was of him. But then I remembered, this young man wouldn't be here in the first place if Walter had been able to answer that call.
I sold the car dirt cheap and bought a minivan with it. I didn't need a minivan. But all of my friends had urged me to get one.
"You don't think you can use the space, but you will."
"It's so spacious!"
"There's lots of room to put whatever you want!"
"It can fit so much in there."
But I didn't have anything to put in there. Then one day, while I was coaxing Jellbones to sleep in the bed with me, I had an idea.
Why not get more cats? I discussed the idea with my friends.
"I can't believe you only have just one now. You need more."
"I couldn't live without my 32 cats."
"The only hard part is naming them all. But it's worth it."
"This could be your one chance to have children."
That last one hit me like a rock. I loved Jellybones like the daughter that I had never birthed, and figured that if I could multiply that feeling by getting more cats, then I would do everything in my power to get that feeling.
I had to get the cats from different shelters, as one shelter won't sell you 63 cats. But the labor was all worth it. I putted around in my little minivan all day, gathering a Calico here and a Siamese there. Every one I loved more than the last. And after my pyramid of love had been completed, I drove home and set the cats free.
The house was alive again! When Walter was alive, things were always hustling and bustling. Walter was always looking for some tool or getting something to eat or tearing up the furniture. The cats did all of this at once and more. Most of the time I just sat in my favorite chair and watched them do whatever they pleased.
I loved my cats. Deep in the back of my mind, I knew that it wasn't healthy to replace the empty memories of my husband with love of some animal. But day by day, I felt that this idea got saner and saner. And eventually, I thought it was the most natural thing in the world.
Why shouldn't I have my cats?
If I can't have cats, why not? I love them.
I love them more than anyone ever could.
If I didn't have my cats, I wouldn't be able to function.
My cats are my everything.
For them, I left everything. The current house in Michigan was far too cramped for them. They needed room to grow and breathe and run and jump and be free! And I needed space do to it with them.
So I sold my house. I used the money to buy a large warehouse in Arizona, which would be perfect for the little scamps. They could do anything they ever wanted to do in a warehouse. I truly believed that a warehouse would truly be a cat's Eden. And if my cats were happy, so was I.
I loaded up all of my cats into the back. Mr. Whiskers, Bubbly, Tootles, Fudge, Patches, Spot, Kinsey, Baboo, Knotty, Slobbers, Perky, Jubilee, Pumpkin, Frazzle, Hairball, Quarters, Paws, Handlebars, Doughy, Cutesy, Wutesy, Igby, Francis, Bucky, T-Bone, Oscar, Simba, Gizmo, Sam, Spike, Rusty, Jake, Buster, Sylvester, Rocky, Milo, Sebastian, George, Jasper, Sassy, Misty, Princess, Samantha, Missy, Sophie, Casper, Cleo, Angel, Nala, Sadie, Jasmine, Peaches, Coco, Lucy, Bella, Ginger, Daisy, Muffin, Sasha, Phoebe, Zoe, Minnie, and Goatse were all very excited about our trip.
Once I made sure that they were all happy and meowing all over each other in the back of our minivan, I sped off and left my past in the dust. I had lost Walter in that house. I hadn't had kids in that house. I had sold Walter's car in that house. I had so many bad memories back there. But now. Now it was time for the future. Just me and my cats FOREVER!
For fun, I left my blinker on as I exited my house and kept it on for blocks just as I had with Walter during our last night together. I started to cry and slumped over on the steering wheel, also turning on the windshield wipers.
From behind me, I heard the usual amount of honks and threats, but this time...something new...a siren.
Immediately, I pulled over. I had no idea what to do. I had never been pulled over for a moving offense in all my life. I started to scramble around my driver's seat, still buckled in of course.
The male police officer started to come up to my window but then spied all of my babies in the back of my van.
"Good god..." he exclaimed, no doubt admiring their beauty.
"Uh..ma'am...may I ask why you have so many cats in your van?"
"We're going to a better place," I replied, stating the truth.
"Uh...I'm going to have to ask you to step out of the car, ma'am."
"What's wrong, officer?"
"Just step out of the car."
"You're not going to take my babies are you? I birthed them myself I did. You can't take them from me...you CANT. You WONT! They're not yours! They're MINE! You're not Walter and you never will be! These cats are Walter and you are NOT!"
Even so, my cats were taken from me. And that was it. I had lost my Walter, our car, our house, and now my cats. Everything that I had in the world was gone.
Everything except my precious, precious property in Arizona. Surely it can fill my void anew.
Won't it?
User Reviews
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2005-01-25 20:41:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You are a disgrace to that name.
Never "read"(read: give retalitory -2s) my posts again, whorecrotch.
Submitted by Uzi (user info) at 2005-01-25 19:55:46 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Moo.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-01-21 12:04:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AHH AHHH. Very Good!!
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-01-21 08:53:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was a horrible story. To think it might be true, even more horrible.
I feel sick. Well done.
Submitted by Flack (user info) at 2005-01-21 08:27:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHASnortHAHAHAHAHAHsnortHAHAHAHA
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-01-21 07:47:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's awesome that you filled in the other end of the story...even though you don't know what you're talking about. But one shouldn't let small things like reality and truth get in the way of a good story.
Also, "...and Goatse were all very excited about our trip" was a nice surprise.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-01-21 01:43:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff. Captures my earlier point perfectly.
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2005-01-21 01:11:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that poor cherry mustang... *le cry*
-B
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-01-21 00:14:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
whaddya mean?
I read both of them. At first I was upset thinking she was abusing the poor animals.
Then people pointed out that maybe she wasn't right in the noggin.
SOmething I hadn't thought of.
Besides, this was funny.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2005-01-21 00:10:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
hmmm, methinks you didn't read the post Munkey.
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2005-01-20 23:45:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good work man
call the medics
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-01-20 23:07:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahaa
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-01-20 22:42:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was just...beyond fucking brilliant.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2005-01-20 22:01:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Forgot to post this.
Tiger Lilly's original rant: http://www.ubersite.com/m/57253
Submitted by NoahsArk (user info) at 2005-01-20 21:33:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Goatse +2
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2005-01-20 21:20:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That was brilliant. Just brilliant.
Submitted by Ed_0150 (user info) at 2005-01-20 21:19:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-01-20 21:17:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't know where the hell that came from, but it's very good.
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-01-20 21:05:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I smell pussy.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-01-20 20:57:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I shed a tear.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2005-01-20 20:52:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you are a genius
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2005-01-20 20:50:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good writing!
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-01-20 20:42:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
pretty much awesome. j ust plain awesome
Submitted by TheRef (user info) at 2005-01-20 20:38:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good fucking shiite man
sophie is my favorite
Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2005-01-20 20:37:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
GOATSE THE CAT HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-01-20 20:36:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The fact that one of the cats is named Goatse has to be the best part of this.