'I'm Gay!' - Confession of an outed Sponge (2078 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.95 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Smurfs (View user info) at 2005-01-21 11:39:38 EST
Yes, yes. I'm gay. Queer. A fag.
Label away you vultures of the fourth estate. Tired of writing about Iraq? Bush? Decided instead to attack the private lifestyle of an unassuming sponge?
I had hoped I'd never have to have this conversation with the world at large, that you'd respect my privacy.
Jesus.
Happy now? I've been forced out of the closet and thrust into the spotlight. But I'm tired of Dobsen and his lackeys within 'Focus on the Family' spreading these salacious rumors of my habits... closeted sadists.
So yes. I'm homosexual.
Yes, I have a 'relationship' with Patrick. He may not be Einstein... but there is a lot to say for an extra limb in the bedroom. He's sweet and giving, and just an amazing, amazing starfish. One of these days Washington will wake up and realize that the government has no right to decide who loves one another and they will stop trying to regulate marriage.
But let's go back further than that. I can honestly say that I didn't always 'know.' So many within the gay culture can look back and say they always new. They were wearing strips with pointed shoes back in middle school. It wasn't that case with me.
It's not that I switched interests... I was never really interested in girls... but the idea that I was gay never really occurred to me, you just don't hear about gay Parazoas. If I scrutinize my childhood I guess you could see some signs of it: the voice that never really dropped, my tendency to frolic about in my underwear, my almost unhealthy relationship with the ironing board.
But I know when I first knew... I was at a Hollywood party that was being throw at Dipsy's house, and I walked in on Andy Dick snorting blow off Tinky-Winky's ass. I was never really a fan of Andy's... but Tinky-Winky was an idol if mine. His eyes met mine and the next thing I know I was being bounced back and forth like a Chinese yo-yo.
I'd never felt so alive.
After that I spun a little out of control. I found that by baking jellyfish in the oven and snorting the remains you get the same intense high as Crystel Meth, without the burnout. I'd be up for hours trolling. Anyone, anywhere... it was my sexual enlightenment. I frequented bathhouses, bear clubs, ... even did some glory hole work at the gym.
Looking back it was the drugs that spun me out of control, but all that stopped the day I laid eyes on Patrick. It was late, and I was leaving one of those seedy theatres that used to dot the landscape of the Lower East Side in the early eighties. Back when all you had to do was go to Central Park after ten for some action.
I hadn't taken two steps before I was bowled over by this large red starfish. Before I could say anything two guys were onto of the both off us throwing punches. Having studied karate for a good part of my life, I quickly ended the fight, and as I extended my hand... it was like the heavens opened. His hand closed around mine and it's stayed there ever since.
I guess you could say I wear the pants in the relationship. But there is mutual respect and overwhelming love. It's not just about the sex, which is AMAZING, but there is something more. That's why I don't get these right-wing Christian critics. I've always thought God preached about love... but apparently only their standard of love.
So many Christian writers wrote of God as love, and our existence based upon are participation in that love... so how could the love between a man and a man or a woman and a woman be wrong? Because of some town that was destroyed in a small passage of the Bible... obviously the group of tight-assed old white men who put that together were in the same social climate as today.
But I'm not going to use this time to preach. There will be plenty of time for that. I've been invited to Grand Marshall the gay pride parades of Philly, San Francisco and New York City. I have speaking tours lined up for the next three years at colleges, public forums, a small stint Off-Broadway.
You want to drag my lifestyle through the mud? Fine. Let's project it onto the world. My movie made 33 million opening weekend. Your children and their friends watch me everyday... I'm going to start letting them know it's okay to be gay. That they don't have to be afraid if they'd rather style their sisters' Barbie's hair than go out and toss a football around.
They are going to learn that having two daddies is okay. They are going to learn tolerance. Acceptance. They are going to learn that people are just people. IT doesn't make them special or different, it just makes them individuals.
And hopefully... everyone... sponges, starfish, humans, platypi... will one day hold hands and be alright with it.
So yes. My name is Spongebob Square Pants... and I am Gay, and I am fine with that.
User Reviews
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-02-17 17:10:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-01-24 04:55:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You big fucking ghey!!!
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-01-24 03:03:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sponges need to fight for their rights http://www.ubersite.com/m/57454
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-01-21 21:03:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Boxtop (user info) at 2005-01-21 12:02:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
If you outlaw gay sponge sex, only outlaws will have gay sponge sex.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-01-21 20:55:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
if nautical nonsense be something you wish
then drop on the deck and flop like a fish!
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-01-21 15:02:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-01-21 11:48:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
I am now picturing Patrick, laughing that stupid ass laugh while being buggered by Spongebob.
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DAMNIT ASH!
I watch SpongeBob whenever I baby-sit my neice, and NOW I WON'T BE ABLE TO!
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-01-21 14:38:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
He lives in a pineapple under the sea,
Absorbant and yellow and porous is he...
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-01-21 14:32:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*sigh*
I wish I could write a post like this.
Submitted by Smurfs (user info) at 2005-01-21 12:15:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Jesus, i need this weekend to come faster... I didn't even remember, jolly good.
Apologies Apollo
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-01-21 12:09:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Since when do so many people give a shit about Spongebob?
It's almost cultish right now, the level of posts about him.
Though I will admit he is easier to look at than Goatse.
Submitted by Boxtop (user info) at 2005-01-21 12:02:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If you outlaw gay sponge sex, only outlaws will have gay sponge sex.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2005-01-21 12:00:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-01-21 12:00:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Smurfs (user info) at 2005-01-20 14:01:32 (#)
Ranking: 1
"Suddenly, out of nowhere, a savior appears in front of me. Short stubby legs pumping, nubbed arms flailing, Sponge Bob Square Pants is on the case. What musta been another character in Rockefeller, is now bearing down on Elmo with the tenacity of Lawrence Taylor going after a crack pipe."
When Muppets Attack... - http://www.ubersite.com/m/24438
He CAN'T be gay! """"
I beg to differ.
Only being pedantic, not kicking off.
Yours is well better, mine was as lazy as shlongy after his mom has made him mow the lawn again.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2005-01-21 12:00:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2005-01-21 11:55:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
he's so gay he'll chill your wine and cut fresh flowers for you.
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2005-01-21 11:52:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Wooo... go gay sponges!!
<if this comment offended you in any way, please follow the link and express your hatred>
http://www.ubersite.com/m/57327
Submitted by Allicat (user info) at 2005-01-21 11:51:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha, what about Sandy?
Submitted by Boxtop (user info) at 2005-01-21 11:49:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well executed.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2005-01-21 11:49:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Now I'm going to feel weird using a sponge in the bath.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-01-21 11:48:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
I am now picturing Patrick, laughing that stupid ass laugh while being buggered by Spongebob.
Thanks for that.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2005-01-21 11:44:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good job.
Submitted by Smurfs (user info) at 2005-01-21 11:44:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Haha, sorry Apollo... I didn't even read that, I saw the story on cnn over the past couple of days.
Good choice on the picture!
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-01-21 11:42:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
poor little poof
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2005-01-21 11:41:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you do write like a gay
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-01-21 11:41:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/57239
At least link me you cunt!
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-01-21 11:40:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment