The Stupidest Post in the History of Ubersite (920 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Nonfiction
Rating: 1.4 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by dr feggphd (View user info) at 2005-01-21 11:54:00 EST
Originally this was to be a reply to Razor's post ("The Longest Post in the History of Ubersite": http://www.ubersite.com/m/11431 )
And also an addendum to mrwolf's post ("The secret to the whole universe is in your head... Don't think too hard.": http://www.ubersite.com/m/57023 )
BEGIN SUBMISSION
The Buddhist Vijnanavada (Yogachara, or "Mind Only") school always stuck me as rather clever, and eventually I decided that the problem, if there is one, has its roots in Mind. So, if this is true, then obviously the problem (and by the problem, I mean all problems) is easily solved by destroying Mind. So do your part and destroy "your" mind, and we'll be one step closer to the solution. Go ahead to the next part.
In order to keep this short, I am going to make very few assumptions, or definitions, because I find that kind of thing irritating. But a couple of things I assume are:
1) You have some idea of yourself as a human being, in a physical body, which is located where you think you are right now. I will refer to you as "you."
2) You are reading this text. I will call this text "text."
Okay.
The idea is to follow along with this, not as an intellectual exercise, or a rhetorical sleight-of-hand, or some mystical gobbledegook, but rather in order to appreciate it viscerally and immediately. Perhaps it may take several readings to accomplish this. Perhaps it may not work at all. If it does work, your mind will be pacified and/or destroyed, and my work will be that much closer to completion.
This is originally (so far as I know) Gottfried Leibniz' idea, and was also offered for consideration by Bertrand Russell and Robert Anton Wilson, and many others, probably. So without further ado:
The experiment is rather simple. It is to see whether you know where your head is. I forgot to define head, so I'll do that now. By "head" I mean the place where your brain is located, not oral sex (sorry). I mean the part of your body at the top of your spinal column, with a flesh- and (for some of you) hair- covered skull, containing holes for eyes, mouth, nose, ears, and whatnot. Damn it, you know perfectly well what I'm talking about. And this thing, which your brain is on the inside of, I will call your "head." Since your brain is in there, your mind is in there, too (I don't really believe that, but for sake of argument...). If we can establish that you don't know where your head is, then you will also have no idea where your brain is, and thus you won't know where your mind is. And like the evil Star Trek robot that self-destructed when Captain Kirk cleverly fed it contradictory instructions, once your mind figures out that it doesn't even know where it is, it will dissipate and vanish into everything like a puff of smoke in a stoner's vision, which is to say, beautifully. So, at last:
Coda
Incident photons refract from the text, pass through the cornea, lens, etc., and impinge on the photon-sensitive receptors in your eye (cone thingies, as I recall, unless you're reading this at night, then it's rod thingies). The inverted image of the text-photon-activated receptors generates an electro-chemical signal which propagates along the optic nerve to the literal gangital thingamabobs (I think that's the right term, but it doesn't really matter, anyway) and from thence to the visible cortezism or something. Along the way the signal topographically maps or translates itself somehow, essentially by means of a societally-conditioned learned perceptual response, into what we call "seeing" and, in this instance, "reading." Until we learn to see and read and otherwise perceive, we are simply processing the information as infants do and it does not "make sense." We are conditioned to perceive the world as we do.
Here's the important part, and it's so simple you might want to overlook it. But actually, it is your mind which overlooks it, due to some evil self-preservation instinct. Some effort will be required to grasp the simplicity of this simple fact: the text is in your brain. THESE WORDS YOU ARE READING RIGHT NOW ARE IN YOUR BRAIN, INSIDE YOUR HEAD, WHERE YOUR MIND PRESUMABLY IS. They are NOT here on the screen in front of you. That it seems so is a learned perceptual illusion which is necessary in order to perpetuate the notion of an external world in which your operate your body (with head, brain and presumably mind inside) in various ways, such as to go to the kitchen and get another beer. Read this paragraph again and/or again and/or again if necessary, until you understand that what you're seeing and reading right now is inside your head.
So, in regard to you and the text: where is your "real" head?
You can locate the thing that seems to be your head in the same way you locate the text. You can look in a mirror, you use your proprioreceptive and kinesthetic senses, you can smash your head into your keyboard, you can take a swig from that beer, etc. You know where your head is. But ... wait! The text is in your head, and so is all the other stuff you perceive--because perception takes place in the brain, which creates a map, representation, analogue, or model of the "world" that it perceives. And in that representation are included perceptions of where your body, head, and brain are themselves located. So the text appears to be on the screen in front of you--but the screen in front of you is in your head. The image of your head in the mirror is in your head. The mirror you see is in your head. Best or worst of all--THE BEER IS IN YOUR HEAD!!!!! The sensations of drinking the beer are in your head, too.
Go outside and look into the sky, look through the most powerful telescope as far "out" in space-time as you can, and what you see is still inside your head. THE INSIDE OF YOUR SKULL, IF YOU HAVE ONE, IS SOMEWHERE BEYOND ALL THAT YOU THINK YOU PERCEIVE. All mentation--sensory perceptions, feelings, and thoughts--are likewise inside the head which is itself an artifact of sensory perception, feeling and thought. The whole world is inside your head. All of your thoughts, including how stupid this post is, are inside your head. Your body, this text, the next icy-cold beer (YES, I EMPHASIZE: THE BEER!!!!!), the refrigerator, the kitchen, the electric company--they're all inside your head. THE BREWERY IS INSIDE YOUR HEAD. And the beer truck, and the beer truck guy. And the 7-11, Kum-N-Go, Wal-Mart, any stores they may have in foreign countries that sell beer, etc.
So again, where is your head?
Now you have some idea of your head being very large, but this is an illusion. Because there "really is" an objective, external reality, and it is real objects and events in that external world which you are sensing and perceiving. And you know this is so BECAUSE YOU DESPERATELY WANT TO BELIEVE IT IS SO DESPITE THE FACT THAT THERE IS NO EVIDENCE TO SUPPORT THIS BELIEF--and because otherwise, all the things (objects and events) that you think are out there--and that result in sense perceptions, and the feelings and thoughts about those sense perceptions--are also in your head, in your brain, in your mind (if any). And you realize that the big head which contains the whole world is itself an idea which has no location, unless you accept an infinite regress of ever-expanding hierachies of heads, which is illogical and may lead to irresponsible consumption of mass quantities of beer.
Your mind, if you have one of your own, is in your head. Your head cannot be located in space-time.
DC al Coda
Brains in vats are in your head, too. So is the notion of solipsism. And just so you know--I am not in your head, you are in my head. Or perhaps we are all in each others heads. None of our heads exist, so that's okay.
Descartes concluded, "I think, therefore I am." The underlying assumption here is: only a thing which exists can think. But "existence" is an idea, or conditioned perception which ultimately consists of various aspects of mentation (i.e., thinking). So he only arrived at a tautological statement: "I think because there is thinking." A better conclusion would have been simply, "I think." This also has an underlying assumption: there is an "I" which thinks. So an even better conclusion would have been, "Thinking." Which is stupid, of course. But try this one: "Beer." Now we're thinking good thoughts! "I drink, therefore I will have another beer." Yes, that's a much better approach.
There is no deception, either, since the idea of deception is also a thought. Thought is either a result of Mind, or it is Mind Itself. Either way, there is only Mind. And there is no way to know what Mind is, because there is nothing but Mind and, possibly, whatever Mind creates, which is also Mind--unless Mind can create something which is not Mind, such as beer. How could beer know Mind? So there is no possibility of knowing Mind. There is only the game of pretending to know or not to know when it's time for more beer. So be nice, and play fair.
One final thought: the ideas of Mind and of Mind Only, are thoughts. Thoughts occur within space-time, which is itself a thought. Repeat the word thought until it becomes meaningless, which shouldn't really take very long: thought, thought, thought, hahaha. It's a funny word, isn't it? tho + ught, or thou + ght, or t + ho + ugh + t. thawt. thot with a little hat on the o. t - h - o - u - g - h - t, this is what is thinking me. Continue incoherent babble until time for more beer.
Bonus Section: The Dictionary Approach (American Heritage Dictionary, 2nd college edition)
mind n. 1. The human consciousness that originates in the brain and is manifested esp. in thought, perception, feeling, will, memory, or imagination.
thought n. 1. The act or process of thinking; cogitation.
thinking n. 1. Thought.
cogitation n. 1. The act of cogitating; thoughtful consideration.
consideration n. 1. Careful thought; deliberation.
deliberation n. 1. The act or process of deliberating. (Oh, come on now, I mean really!!!!)
....
meaning n. 1. Something that is signified; sense.
signified intr. v. Having meaning or importance.
sense n. 3.c. A vague feeling, as of coming danger.
....
[continue process until all words in dictionary are defined in terms of each other]
"None of us needs to doubt the existence of the unreal, subjective space. But I for one am not sure of the existence of a real, objective space. Our senses only reveal a subjective world; we may only think, and sometimes believe, that we can conclude that an objective world exists."
-- M. C. Escher
END SUBMISSION
User Reviews
Submitted by Samo (user info) at 2006-07-21 09:48:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It worked, but I would need practice to keep it going.
Kicker of all ass.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-02-04 20:31:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
what the ghey?
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2005-02-04 20:18:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
brilliant.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2005-02-02 18:30:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
...yeah, and?...
maybe I'm not high enough, I'll read this again when I get home.
Submitted by drfeggphd (user info) at 2005-02-02 18:12:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I didn't necessarily set out to prove anything.
The point is that the fire is in your head, and so is patting the fire out. I agree that standing there wondering whether the flames are real is probably not a good idea, because even if burning to death is in your head, it means the beer-drinking time in your head is over.
As far as philosphy being a waste of time: as you know, philosophy originally meant something like "love of wisdom." Too often these days it is more a love of rhetoric and "knowledge" and in that case I agree--it is a waste of time.
And satchel--don't worry about being broken: the pieces sometimes come back together again in a more interesting pattern. or whatever.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-02-02 17:45:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Further proof that philosophy is a complete and utter waste of time.
I stood too close to the stove. My sleeve just caught on fire* and soon my entire shirt, and my head, will be burning. Yet are they really burning? Are the stove, my shirt, and the flames, really there? Is this a test, imposed upon me by some outside presence, or by my own subconscious, or should I heed the so-called sensation of pain and give in to the weakness of suggestion instead of using the power of my mind to control this flaming figment of my...
See that asterisk? That's where I stayed in touch with reality and patted out the fire on my shirt while the hard-core philosopher burned to death.
Ah, but did he really burn to death, you ask, or was THAT all in your head too? He may never have existed at all!
Same difference, I reply. He isn't bothering me with any more of his bullshit musings, so who gives a crispy fuck.
Submitted by drfeggphd (user info) at 2005-02-02 17:19:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
big_wigger, I used to take a lot of drugs, but I haven't taken any form of Philosophy in a long time.
Filthy, I am waiting in breathless anticipation for an interesting afternoon....
okay, I can't hold my breath any longer than that, but I will wait with breathing anticipation.
Submitted by big_wigger (user info) at 2005-02-02 17:02:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
you just started taking Philosophy 101 right?
Submitted by satchel (user info) at 2005-02-02 17:01:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think you broke me.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-02-02 16:48:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I could spend an interesting afternoon drinking beer with you.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2005-01-26 11:06:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
. . . ! . . .
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-01-24 06:42:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-01-24 06:24:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2005-01-21 19:57:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
Back when I was psychotic, this entire concept as you've just delineated it destroyed me so thoroughly that I was unable to function for three days. At the time I believed that I had finally understood the nature of reality and that once I understood it, I was doomed to destroy myself. Fortunately, I have returned to the ignorant bliss of "sanity."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How weird that this goes back to my post of finding some hidden knowledge and destroying yourelf with it. I hope you read my post- which this was based on. It will probably freak you out how similarly our brain works based on your above sentence!...
This post was brilliant. It had beer in it, and mind warping cleverness! Thank you for writing this, I feel proud to have been a part of its inspiration.
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2005-01-21 20:15:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're wrong.
I mean, you're not wrong within the post, the post was actually very good. The title, though, is wrong. Whenever anybody, anywhere, claims to have submitted the stupidest post ever, there is truly only one reply:
what the hell man if they are comin at you , means they want somthin ,more better you look after them and care for them ,than they get on the street uh?
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2005-01-21 19:57:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Back when I was psychotic, this entire concept as you've just delineated it destroyed me so thoroughly that I was unable to function for three days. At the time I believed that I had finally understood the nature of reality and that once I understood it, I was doomed to destroy myself. Fortunately, I have returned to the ignorant bliss of "sanity."
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2005-01-21 19:32:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wow these people are fucking LAZY
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-01-21 18:51:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
wtf im not reading all that
Submitted by ACIDTRIP (user info) at 2005-01-21 12:03:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Too fucking long111
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-01-21 11:56:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Negative on me reading all of that.