The day I fought the ninjas in my attic (1081 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.69 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by yermom (View user info) at 2005-01-21 12:41:49 EST
It was another freezing day in February, and once again I was awoken by the noises in my attic. This has been going on for months, and every time I think I find the hole that they are getting in through they figure out another way in. I fucking hate ninjas. Always grapple hooking their way up onto the roof. Bastards; You know they're doing it just to piss me off too. I mean fuckin'A they're ninjas, they're supposed to be stealthy and quiet.
I mean seriously, its like they're running a marathon up there. I understand that ninjas need to train, but this is ridiculous. I'm going to have to start taking matters into my own hands. Yesterday in the middle of the night I dropped caltrops all over the attic. I though that this would get those lousy ninjas. Boy was I wrong; I woke up the next morning to go take a piss and stomped tight on those fucking caltrops. Those mother fuckers!
Over the course of the next week I tried to get back at the ninjas infesting my house. I tried setting up traps like in Home Alone (the first one, not the shitty sequels). I tried leaving a peace offering of some poisoned rice. I thought that one may have worked, but those filthy bastards ended up feeding the rice to birds around my house, now it looks like a bird plague took place outside of my house. After sorting things out with the CDC and those assholes at PETA, they finally left. You would be surprised how hard it is to convince these people that you have ninjas in your attic killing off animals around your house.
I got woken up again at 5:30am I can't fucking take it anymore, these ninjas are going down. I grabbed my sword and climbed into the attic to teach these ninja fucks a lesson in being quiet. I quietly tiptoed up the ladder to the attic, and gently lifted myself up. It was only a matter of time before the duo realized that it was time to rumble.
The battle was brutal, and their ninja skills were rivaled only by the grand masters. I truly was no match for them, but the rage burning in my soul gave me the power to overcome them. I am one cranky bitch when I don't get my double digits of sleep. The battle was over and although a clear winner could not be established, the amount of blood and energy lost it was evident that we were equals.
I made a deal with the ninjas, I would feed them and smoke them out, and in return they wouldn't practice their ninja arts until after noon each day. We've grown to be very close friends. I love my ninja squirrels.
User Reviews
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-03-04 20:28:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i totally fucked up that word.
squirrels.
heres a +2. bitch.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-03-04 20:27:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
a perfect balance between squirell intuition and ninja badassery.
Submitted by lordofthedance (user info) at 2005-03-04 19:56:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yep
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-01-27 10:37:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny
Submitted by Oleannder (user info) at 2005-01-22 15:23:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cute
Submitted by legallady (user info) at 2005-01-22 15:14:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ninja story +2
Squirrel story +2
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2005-01-21 22:32:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
SHENANIGANS!
THAT PICTURE IS PHOTOSHOPPED!
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-01-21 21:44:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-01-21 20:42:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2005-01-21 14:14:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd do those ninjas
in the pooper.
Submitted by hungovermondays (user info) at 2005-01-21 13:20:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
don't take any lip from those shit eating ninja's
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-01-21 13:17:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Um...
"what the hell man if they are comin at you , means they want somthin ,more better you look after them and care for them ,than they get on the street uh?"
Fucking Ninjas.
Submitted by PianoWow (user info) at 2005-01-21 13:09:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
not bad
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-01-21 13:05:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2005-01-21 12:58:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-01-21 12:55:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by yermom (user info) at 2005-01-21 12:54:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
a caltrop is like a 4 pronged spike, so that no matter how you throw it, one spike is always pointed up
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2005-01-21 12:53:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There are few things better than ninjas, these are them:
Lo-Pan
Zombie Pirates
People who say "Curses!"
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2005-01-21 12:52:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
god what a stupid fucking story
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2005-01-21 12:50:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!
I needed a laugh...
Why you ask ??
BECAUSE... PEOPLE HATE ME ...AS EVIDENT HERE -->http://www.ubersite.com/m/57327
GO GO GADGET LINKWHORE!!
Submitted by ACIDTRIP (user info) at 2005-01-21 12:48:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking ninjas
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-01-21 12:48:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What's a caltrop?
Submitted by InkyFingers (user info) at 2005-01-21 12:44:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for making me smile without involving anatomy. Have a pleasant day.