Alf Is Her Hero (839 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.5 on 10 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jennifer <myredmirage95.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2005-01-21 13:43:05 EST
I wrote this one day at my friend Sam's house while she was eating dinner. We got a great laugh out of it, maybe you will too...or maybe the college administrators who will read this after I slipped it into her college applications instead of her admission essays.
Hello, my name is Sam and I'm 17 years old. My main issue in life is to make sure everyone in the world knows that Alf was not just a television show, but a way of life.
Alf was my hero throughout childhood. I grew up watching him and his mysterious ways on the television in my padded room. I made believe my Barbie dolls were marrying him and they were cool because they got to do it with him. Sometimes I grew jealous of the dolls and they had to suffer for their evil ways. Many heads were microwaved.
I remember one day, late June I believe, me and my Alf doll were playing happily in the street. I remember my parents walking the white lines of the road by request of the nice police officers and I thought it would be fun to try it. I was walking along and the sun began shining ever so brightly...right on my Alf doll! I looked down at him and he spoke to me. To me, Alf spoke, and he said "I am ALF; I am not YOUR doll. YOU are the one who will spread my message to the world." He never said what the message was, or maybe I just didn't hear it because of the car that hit me; at least that's what the nice nurses at the hospital told me when I woke up from the coma. They also told me my doll was gone...and that I had syphilis.
Ever since that day, I have begun on my quest to tell the world that Alf is more than an alien, he is also a telemarketer from Cleveland. He called me once and told me he wanted me to buy long distance from AT&T, but I knew it was just code for 'Will you marry me?' He didn't think it meant that and he tried to assure me that he was actually trying to get me to buy long distance. He's such a kidder.
It took 2 years for me to track him down, but I finally found him and we were married in an alley outside a bar called the Bar B. I knew he would be there, drinking away the memories of his Barbie doll wives that I barbequed. It was sheer luck I guess that the bartender was also a certified person marryer and he only charged me $1000. He was a sweet man.
The next morning after we were married in the alley, Alf didn't know who I was or who he was. I guess he was just so struck by my beauty that he couldn't remember anything about himself or his life...or it may have been the drugs I had slipped into his drink at the bar.
Well, I think I may have to go now. There are 3 men at the door and they don't seem to be happy with me. Alf is tied up by his underwear on the wall, at his telepathic request of course. They don't understand that I must spread the knowledge of Alf to one and all. They just don't understand....
Just kidding about the college essay part, but damn it would have been hilarious!
User Reviews
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2005-01-22 00:46:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I am Gordon Schumway's illegitimate love child
-B
Submitted by codpeener69 (user info) at 2005-01-21 16:53:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2005-01-21 16:40:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Alf Post?
+2
Submitted by thaumaturge (user info) at 2005-01-21 16:02:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Was he from Melmac? Or have I completely lost touch with family entertainment trivia?
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-01-21 14:48:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
do you eat cats too?
Submitted by L-Gizzle (user info) at 2005-01-21 14:22:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Not bad for a first post.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-01-21 14:07:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
...I didn't grow up with Alf.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-01-21 13:52:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
cute
Submitted by TheRef (user info) at 2005-01-21 13:52:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ALF is making a comeback.
HOLY HELLFIRE FUCK YEAH
you can all thank me for this.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/34610 the original alf comeback post..and midgets
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-01-21 13:44:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Not bad. I used to have an ALF doll that talked. Still have him. Maybe it's just really a sock stuffed with hair I don't know, my eyesight is horible.