A story of why I hate nature (729 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.74 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <rurumon> (View user info) at 2005-01-21 14:41:51 EST
A couple months ago I went to visit my friend Aaron in Alaska with my tall compatriot Richard. I have been to Juneau and it is breathtaking. For someone who lives in the sprawling WASPtropolis of Northern Virginia, Juneau is heaven. Beyond providing me with unbelievable views of snow-covered crags that seem to launch straight out of the water, Juneau sports such wild vacation activities as constant video game playing and beer....lots and lots of microbrewed and delicious beer.
Since everything has to be shipped in, all goods except for stuff made in Juneau (which is essentially beer and rip-off native American art) is a good solid 25-50% more expensive. This means that liquor is out of the question, because I sure as hell wasn't going to pay 40 bucks for a handle of captain.
Then, like a shining beacon of hope to guide me from the horrible land of sobriety, a brewery beckoned to me from the opposite side of town. During the car ride, I found that I was bouncing up and down like it was Friday night, I was in 8th grade, and I was going home to play Dungeons and Dr....wait....maybe I should just skip that metaphor. Regardless, we got to the brewery and sampled their wares, took the tour, bought a t-shirt, and escaped with a keg of Juneau's finest.
Now, let me take a brief aside to make a suggestion to anyone who is in Oregon, Washington State, or Alaska for any length of time. Alaskan Ale is without a doubt the best beer I have ever tasted. Now I'll admit, I am only 23 and regardless of how much beer experience I have...it is hindered my age. But suffice it to say, this is one goddamn good beer. Turns out, the kind we got had a nice sturdy 7% ratio going for it as well.
So let us fast forward to how I am a gigantic untrustworthy pussy with nature. I don't know what it is, but any time I am in the woods I find myself checking over my shoulder every 2 minutes to make sure a pack of werewolves isn't bearing down on me. I can't figure it out for the life of me, it's not like my parents were carried away by bears or anything.
So my friend's house is on Douglas Island, a small brown bear and wolf infested stronghold across the river from downtown Juneau. His house has a deck that faces the woods, which coincidently was where we decided to chill our keg.
As the night progressed and I got faced, rather than being filled with liquid courage, I found that every time I had to venture onto the deck I would become increasing paranoid that wolves were watching me, waiting for me to get blitzed enough that they could pounce. I started imagining red eyes staring back at me from across the deck, examining my tender legs and figuring out which part of me to rend first. I started making escape plans should I get ambushed, like where I would duck to first, and with what I could use as a weapon.
At about midnight (did I mention I hate werewolves?) at the peak of my paranoia, I had to refill. I went outside and started filling my glass with delicious lager, and as my eyes made their usual track from the keg up to where I always envision those red eyes, I found a pair staring right back at me.
I would like to say that I adhered to my well-rehearsed escape/battle plan. I would like to say that I set my beer down, picked up a log, and with a brave man-scream I charged the wolf with hair spiked and muscles taught. Hell, I'm a big guy...I might have a chance. However, the reality was that I dropped my beer, screamed like a girl and fumbled for the door. I scrambled inside, locked the door and in a voice tremulous with womanly fear, I shouted to my friends... "Dudes! There's a wolf outside!!!"
My tall friend approaches the door and begins to open it...
Rurumon: "Dude, are you freaking crazy! Close the door! STFU -2 Die!"
Ignoring my pleas the door opens. I await my fate with eyes wide and pants soiled.
Sitting in front of the door is an emaciated stray dog wagging its tail, panting happily. Could not have weighed more than 40 lbs sopping wet.
Richard: "Here is your killer wolf, now you dropped your balls on the deck, you should probably go get them."
User Reviews
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2005-06-08 15:19:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Wolves don't attack humans, you worthless pile of blubber. You're a total pussy.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-03-03 16:45:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck nature. Time to invite the oil companies to go ripshit on that.
Submitted by rurumon (user info) at 2005-01-26 11:01:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey! you know whats cool? perusing the "best this week" option and arriving at my post and rating it for the simple pleasure of ruining my streak. Not that it matters that much that said streak was ruined, but mainly because you are a dick.
Submitted by EPatrick (user info) at 2005-01-25 15:11:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I've lived here in AK the entirety of my 21 years. I have only seen a wolf once.
I do love the beer, though. Summer Ale. Yum.
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-01-21 20:59:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
best beer: Shed's Mountain Ale, from Stowe, VT. It's that "forget how to use doorknobs" kind of beer.
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-01-21 20:59:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome Story BUT was it ale or lager? You referred to it as both.
ANYWHO,
best beer: Shed's Mountain Ale, from Stowe, VT. It's that "forget how to use doorknobs" kind of beer.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-01-21 20:54:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha. I loved the fact that you locked the door.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-01-21 20:37:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha
the pic really added to the post!
Submitted by BongZilla (user info) at 2005-01-21 19:05:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good Charlotte Sucks
http://www.ubersite.com/m/57274
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2005-01-21 18:42:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Crack baby.
Submitted by peckerhead (user info) at 2005-01-21 18:27:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
1 for finding great beer and telling us about it
1 for screaming like a girl; funny story :-)
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-01-21 16:48:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
LIES!
New Belgium Brewery "Easy Street Wheat" is the best beer EVAR!
I don't know if anyone outside of Colorado knows this...
Or this...
"Most microbreweries per capita in the USA"
Denver, CO. Ooooooohhhhh yeaaaaahhhhhhh...
Submitted by gabrielpm (user info) at 2005-01-21 16:16:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-01-21 16:13:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm with you on the whole nature-pussy thing. Being outside in the dark is not fun for me.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-01-21 15:33:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
rooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by engine13 (user info) at 2005-01-21 15:18:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahahaha. Pussy. Good thing you didn't see a bear.
I never knew that there was such a good opinion of Alaskan beer out there. Personally, I think the pale and winter ale are really good, but the amber is blah. But, at least its made locally.
Submitted by tidalfae (user info) at 2005-01-21 15:09:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i agree that alaskan ale is the best beer ever brewed by man.
Submitted by bossk (user info) at 2005-01-21 15:01:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Decent story, and it made me want to go to Alaska.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-01-21 14:59:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto Juneau +2.
Submitted by drfeggphd (user info) at 2005-01-21 14:54:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
beer + made me laugh = 2
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-01-21 14:49:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You should probably go get them.
hahaha