The Ant Chapter 11 (694 hits)
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Rating: 1.94 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jack McCallum (View user info) at 2005-01-22 13:43:41 EST
(Chapter 1 http://www.ubersite.com/m/56777)
(Chapter 2 http://www.ubersite.com/m/56855)
(Chapters 3-5 http://www.ubersite.com/m/56884)
(Chapter 6 http://www.ubersite.com/m/56930)
(Chapter 7 http://www.ubersite.com/m/57042)
(Chapter 8 http://www.ubersite.com/m/57139)
(Chapter 8 http://www.ubersite.com/m/57139)
(Chapter 9 http://www.ubersite.com/m/57238)
(Chapter 10 http://www.ubersite.com/m/57350)
PART THREE: THE SHIT HITS THE FAN
"A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice."
-Edgar Watson Howe
CHAPTER 11 - Many New Things
Rob went to see Schroedecker every day throughout October.
Megan went with him the first week, giving the old doctor shit every chance she got.
Schroedecker tried to sweet-talk her, being grandfatherly and kind, but she gave him shit anyway, accusing him of nearly killing Rob, ruining his life, turning him into a freak.
When she flew off the handle Rob would step out into the little garden behind Schroedecker's house and have a smoke.
After these encounters with Megan Rob often heard the old man muttering about verruckt frauleins under his breath, but he personally didn't hold Schroedecker responsible. It was Pfaltzer who fucked up.
It took a while, but Rob eventually convinced Meg to stay home during what he referred to as his rehabilitation. She threw herself into her teaching work, and when they both came home at the end of the day the conversation was always strained.
Rob learned a lot from Schroedecker in that long month. He learned how to control his strength and use it to his advantage. He was soon able to do normal things again.
He could sneeze without letting his nose act like a tiny rocket and carry his body backwards or ten feet into the air.
He could drink a soft drink through a straw without causing the container to decompress and collapse.
He could let a satisfying fart without having to worry about friction setting the ass of his pants on fire.
He could use a computer again without punching finger-sized holes in the keyboard.
He could tie his shoes without snapping the laces (and he went through a carton of laces re-learning that simple skill.)
He could flip a coin without shooting it into the stratosphere and having it return to earth as a melted glob of metal.
He would never have to buy razor blades again, as he'd learned how to shave with a piece of paper, whisking it carefully across his skin with enough speed and force to slice through hair, skin and bone.
He'd been embarrassed when the old man found him with lumps of coal in his hands, trying to copy Superman's trick of squeezing coal to produce diamonds, but he must have been using the wrong kind of coal because all he ever got was a handful of dust, except for the one time he produced a cloudy, white-gray blob as big around as a quarter, which he threw in the garbage since it sure as shit didn't look like any diamond he'd ever seen.
He learned how to brush his teeth without driving the toothbrush straight through his cheeks. He could scratch an itch without flaying himself. He learned how to wipe his ass and shake off after a piss without disemboweling or unsexing himself.
Using tips from a clearly unsettled Schroedecker, he learned how to make love to his wife.
Sometimes Rob became incredibly frustrated. He felt like a fucking baby, having to relearn almost everything he'd ever done.
Schroedecker never had a radio on and didn't own a TV (insisting that the air in his home be free of mind-destroying radiations and that the only good way to learn the news was "From the newspaper, not from a box that sits on a shelf and screams at you like a lunatic or from a larger box that squats on the floor and vainly tries to hold your eye with bouncing breasts and perfectly coiffed hair,") and since Rob didn't pay much attention to the news at any given time, it wasn't until the end of the month that they learned about the Apostles.
Rob had woken up earlier than usual one morning and went over to Schroedecker's place ahead of schedule. He had let himself in to the doctor's home, as Schroedecker insisted he do, and came into the kitchen, where the Doc was sipping a cup of coffee and muttering, "Gott in Himmel," while watching a little color TV on the table in front of him. Also on the table were the box the TV came in, and a number of local newspapers.
The Doc was watching one of the early news shows on a local channel. The main branch of Wells Fargo Bank at 1 Montgomery Street had been broken into during the night.
A security guard told reporters that alarms had gone off on the street level, where he discovered that a massive, circular hole had been knocked in the Montgomery Street wall. From there the robbers had gone to the vault in the lower level, where the massive round door which weighs many tons and has a highly complicated locking system had been picked without a trace of tampering, "Almost ," one of the investigating officers had said, "as if they had somehow reached inside the door and worked the mechanical tumblers one by one." It took the guard a few minutes to get downstairs.
Police would neither confirm nor deny rumors that the guard said he was slowed by a "painful, disabling erection which struck for no reason." By the time the security guard reached the hole in the wall the robbers were making their escape in a nondescript van. The guard had pulled his gun, but had not been able to fire because, "a flying man distracted me." Then the guard was struck by, "A powerful spray which knocked me down. I lost my gun and I was soaking wet and half blind." A quick examination by police revealed that none of the firehoses had been used. Indeed, the liquid on the floor of the bank and on the guard's uniform proved to be human urine, in startling quantities.
The robbers made off with an estimated two and a half million dollars in goods, ranging from unmarked cash to jewelry and bearer bond certificates from various safe-deposit boxes. Carved into the thick steel wall of the vault during the theft were the words THE APOSTLES OF DOOM.
"Jesus Christ," Rob said, surprising Schroedecker, who sputtered and spilled his coffee. "What the fuck's that all about?"
Schroedecker faced Rob with an expression that said he had been expecting something like this. "Pfaltzer," he said.
User Reviews
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-08-03 11:42:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Supreme Overlord damage control...
Submitted by Supreme_Overlord (user info) at 2005-07-21 22:21:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
shite
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-02-08 13:01:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-01-25 18:07:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-01-25 13:13:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good installment. I liked the descriptions of Rob re-learning how to do ordinary things that he took for granted.
I am amused by the nature of the 'Apostle of Dooms' powers you're hinting at...
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-01-23 14:32:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Arrrgh. Playing catchup ( as usual )
I just love this series!
Submitted by horse87 (user info) at 2005-01-23 02:05:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry.
I was concentrating on the message rather than the rating.
Hope this makes up for it.
Besides, you know somebody else besides me is probably gonna screw up your rating sooner or later.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-01-23 01:26:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by horse87 (user info) at 2005-01-23 00:50:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
Oops...
Dammit..sorry that was meant to be a 2.
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You just tanked my +2 rating on this chapter. That will cost you a testicle.
Hey, why am I doing this when Art Bell is on? He's talking about robot snipers about to be deployed in Iraq. Roll out the ED 209s!
Submitted by horse87 (user info) at 2005-01-23 00:50:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oops...
Dammit..sorry that was meant to be a 2.
Submitted by horse87 (user info) at 2005-01-23 00:39:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Who knows?
Sour grapes maybe?
If so, I wouldn't be surprised.
You'll notice that in pretty much every matchup in Ubermadness, Jack was almost always predicted to lose badly.
Funny how that turned out, isn't it?
I must admit, when I first came upon Ubersite, I thought it was supposed to be a place where writers of all kinds could flex their literary mucles and try out stories of different kinds on a crowd of very verbose individuals who weren't shy about offering their opinions about someone's writing skills.
Instead, I have often found Ubersite to be little more than one big group blog, with all the attendant self-indulgent whining and sneering one would expect from such cliquish halfwits.
To be fair, however, I must admit I have read many good stories from quite a number of individuals here on Ubersite. Some have been little more than eloquent anecdotes about an interesting event, a humorous occurance or perhaps a day from hell.
Others have been full blown short stories, nicely executed by individuals who should perhaps be doing other things with their talents rather than wasting them on Ubersite.
Others...well....judge as you will.
I'll stick to material by people like Jack, Domenad, Antluvdog, Sideburns, and yes, even Fat Tony, just to name a few.
My hat is off to you talented types who are trying to live up to the spirit behind the idea of Ubersite.
The rest of you can, as Caulaincourt might say, "Bitez moi..!"
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-01-22 23:16:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
it's fucking sad that the reigning uberlord doesn't get more ratings on such an interesting series.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-01-22 23:06:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Remission (user info) at 2005-01-22 22:38:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-01-22 17:31:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
Why don't more people read this???
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I agree, this a fantastic series keep it up.
Submitted by Remission (user info) at 2005-01-22 22:38:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-01-22 17:31:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
Why don't more people read this???
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I agree, this a fantastic series keep it up.
Submitted by Falconer (user info) at 2005-01-22 19:11:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by NoahsArk (user info) at 2005-01-22 18:22:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-01-22 17:31:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why don't more people read this???
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-01-22 13:52:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Robs powers are awesome.
"He could let a satisfying fart without having to worry about friction setting the ass of his pants on fire."