The Trials and tribulations of a Retailer and Wholesaler (917 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 0.91 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tigre (View user info) at 2005-01-22 17:24:52 EST
As some of you know, I work retail and wholesale making knives, silver, welding, wedding preparations, all that good shit. I often sell the things I make retail, and knock out the middle man. All my supplies are either tax write-offs, or wholesale. That being said, I often end up with a 40-90% profit. Though, I don't always sell strictly retail. In order to expand my good to other retailers worldwide, I need to supply my customers with goods at wholesale prices. It seems that I'm the only guy on the "mildly intelligent" side of the fence(or in retrospect, gently retarded as compared to an extreme mental retardation). Everyday I deal with people that either
1) Has no concept of money
2) Doesn't understand what I do, but wants to buy cheap stuff anyway
3) Is not a retailer but wants to buy wholesale anyway
4) Is a rapist, and is intent on raping my callous ass
5) Is just generally retarded.
6) Is a stoner with no money
7) Is a stoned rapist with no money, no concept of money, wants to buy a cheap wholesale good, and is generally retarded.
That all being said, allow me to share with you my experiences with said retards.
Call #1
I just get off work, and make my way up to my bedroom to check my email and -2 fetish's latest post(before his banning). The phone rings, and I hear the voice of a good customer of mine. He recently got engaged, using the ring he commissioned from me. He's having me work on a wedding band, it being the first words out of his mouth,
"The wedding band.."
"Yeah Scott, what about it?"
"I need you to cancel the order."
"Oh, somthing happen?"(read-as 'FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK').
"Yeah, she called the wedding off. She ran off to vegas with her lover."
"Ouch bro, I'm here for you if you need to talk to me. I can't refund your deposit, I already have the gold, and the band is almost done."
"I kinda need that money though, that's why I was calling."
"I know, but it states in the contract you signed that I couldn't refund the money to you.
"Well.. how can I get my money back?"
"Give me the rest of the payment when I'm finished, and resell the ring. It's worth $490, and it only costs you $235."
"Well.. I can't wait that long."
"Theres nothing I can do, bro."
"Can I take your sister?"
"..Beg pardon scott?"
"You have a sister, right? Can I marry her? That way I'll still have sombody, and I won't lose the deposit on the Wedding DJ."
"Scott....are you insane?"
"Think about it man! She can live at my house, I'll treat her good!"
"I gotta go man."
"Can I have your anvil then? That must be worth at least Fift-" *click*
Now several months later, I got a call from scott. He's still got both rings, and is happily married in Taiwan to "The most gorgeous woman in the world". Turns out she was a hooker that doesn't speak english. Nobody's broken the news to him yet.
Call #2
I should have known not to even bother with this guy, as he was a close friend of Scott. I got an email from Scott, telling me that he has a friend that needed a basic sword, most likely a japanese katana. Not 5 minutes after reading the email, I get an IM on AIM.
(note his aim name has only been changed slightly)
Kevinthemasteraszblaster: Greetings Fairest smith.
Tigrepaper: Afternoon. You must be Kevin?
Kevinthemasteraszblaster: That I am. I am in need of your assistance.
Tigrepaper: That's what I'm here for kevin. What can I do for you?
Kevinthemasteraszblaster: I need a blade.
Tigrepaper: Alright, give me one second(at this point I'm banging my head against my desk. It's gunna be a long-ass day). Alright Kevin, what were you looking for?
Kevinthemasteraszblaster: I'm a samurai, and I need a blade that will suit my needs.
Tigrepaper: Interesting profession. Can you give me some specs you were looking for?
Kevinthemasteraszblaster: Do you own a pommel color-changer?
Tigrepaper: ...you mean Laquere?
Kevinthemasteraszblaster: No, the pommel color-changing scroll. The Great tree drops it.
Tigrepaper: No, I havn't met the.. Great tree..
Kevinthemasteraszblaster: What, are you a noob? I don't need a noob sword.
Tigrepaper: I don't know if we're on the same page. I've been making blades and welding for 10 years.
Kevinthemasteraszblaster: The internet isn't even that old.
Tigrepaper: Regardless if it is or isn't, I'm not a novice. What exactly are you looking for?
Kevinthemasteraszblaster: A +5 supersamurai katana, fit to match my uber-harrokin samba gloves. My level is 74, and I'm level 96 katana fighting.
Tigrepaper: You're looking for sombody to make you a katana online, aren't you?
Kevinthemasteraszblaster: Where the fuck else? I'm 11 years old, why would I buy a sword in real life?
Tigrepaper: Because that's what I do for a living.
Kevinthemasteraszblaster: That's cool man.
Tigrepaper: ..yeah.. It is..
Kevinthemasteraszblaster: ... ..so can you make me a +5 supersamurai katana?
Tigrepaper: Goodbye kevin.
Keep in mind, that kevin typed in shortcuts and (more) mis-spellings. I've fixed it up to a readable state.
Call #3
Stupidkidthatbothersme: Hey
Tigrepaper: Afternoon.
Stupidkidthatbothersme: Sup?
Tigrepaper: Not too much. I'm a bit busy. Yourself?
Stupidkidthatbothersme: Not too bad. If you're busy, why are you online?
Tigrepaper: I'm doing my taxes.
Stupidkidthatbothersme: Ooooh. I found out how to buy weed on ebay.
Tigrepaper. Awesome.
Stupidkidthatbothersme: Yeah man.. It looks like good stuff. I smoke weed.
Tigrepaper: That's great, but aren't you 13?
Stupidkidthatbothersme: ...maybe.
Tigrepaper: We shouldn't be having this conversation.
Stupidkidthatbothersme: Yeah, maybe you're right. I should buy my cat some food off of ebay.
Tigrepaper: ..Alright.
Stupidkidthatbothersme: Yeah..
Tigrepaper: ...Yeah...
Stupidkidthatbothersme: You got $25.96 I can borrow?
Tigrepaper: No, because you're going to buy weed.
Stupidkidthatbothersme: NUH UH!
Tigrepaper: I'm busy, talk to me later.
Stupidkidthatbothersme: I don't even smoke weed!
Tigrepaper: You just said that you did.
Stupidkidthatbothersme: ...that was my little brother.
Tigrepaper: I'm busy, talk to me later.
Stupidkidthatbothersme: Pleeeeeeease?
Tigrepaper: ... ...
Stupidkidthatbothersme: .... ...I'll share it with you.
Tigrepaper: *block*
Once again I have fixed up their spelling and recorrected shortcuts. I deal with kids trying to borrow money everyday.
I looked up for that weed on ebay. Turns out the kid thought the fake plastic cannabis plants were real. Dumbass.
More stories to come for those that want it. Real gangsters don't spellcheck.
User Reviews
Submitted by Jungle_Jimanee (user info) at 2005-05-06 07:16:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2005-02-25 22:23:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2005-01-23 17:55:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
''''Some people are only alive because it is unlawful to kill them.''''
That comment was almost as fucking awesome as the post.
Submitted by Vomit (user info) at 2005-01-23 16:06:57 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You atrocious pile of mildewed herpes scabs.
Submitted by Vomit (user info) at 2005-01-23 16:06:20 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You sycophantic excuse for malignant skid marks.
Submitted by Vomit (user info) at 2005-01-23 16:05:41 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You depraved crock of infected weasel warts.
Submitted by Vomit (user info) at 2005-01-23 16:03:34 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You psychotic mountain of decomposed hemorrhoids.
Submitted by Evil_Morg (user info) at 2005-01-23 14:28:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
hey, that dude, didn't marry your sister right? why don't you make me two rings and I can marry your sister? she can sleep in my car. come on, i've got some pot!!
Some people are only alive because its unlawful to kill them.
Submitted by Vomit (user info) at 2005-01-23 14:05:07 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Fucktard.
Submitted by Vomit (user info) at 2005-01-23 14:03:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Nigger.
Submitted by Vomit (user info) at 2005-01-23 14:02:58 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
you.
Submitted by Vomit (user info) at 2005-01-23 14:02:40 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
hate
Submitted by Vomit (user info) at 2005-01-23 14:02:22 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
fucking
Submitted by Vomit (user info) at 2005-01-23 14:02:08 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I
Submitted by Vomit (user info) at 2005-01-23 13:49:42 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Nigger
Submitted by Littlemiss69 (user info) at 2005-01-23 02:28:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
that was kinda relly bad if u take sum of my advise u mite get beta plz red b4 u post agen thank u ok http://www.ubersite.com/m/57383
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-01-22 19:31:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wow..a blacksmith. that's pretty sweet.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-01-22 18:53:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This would have been better if it was the "Trials and Tribulations of an importer/exporter".
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-01-22 18:42:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Method is gently tugging on your pee pee.
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2005-01-22 18:21:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
*Chuckles*
Just because you want to believe I'm 16, doesn't make me 16.
Dumb ghey nigger.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-01-22 18:18:19 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Yes, I am a dumb ghey nigger. I'm a nigger as much as you're a 16 year old blacksmith with 11 years of smithing experience under your belt.
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2005-01-22 18:10:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What the fuck is your problem anyway method? What is your beef? Are you angry that you're a nigger? Or are you angry that I won't let you suck my cock? Is that it? You're pissed I won't let you bob on my knob?
Dumb Ghey nigger.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-01-22 18:09:17 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I beg to differ
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2005-01-22 18:07:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Kai, IM me on AIM, we'll work somthing out man.
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-01-22 18:04:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
We need to hook up for some free trade type shit. Can you drop ship if I sell your stuff on Ebay? I'd love to see a catalog.
BTW I am a stoner with no money.
Submitted by IcyBlackHand (user info) at 2005-01-22 18:01:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
In no way does this post deserve a -2
Submitted by Kazzerax (user info) at 2005-01-22 18:01:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Maybe...
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-01-22 17:45:36 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
brought a tear to my eye