The MBU Project (part 3) (386 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.33 on 5 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by metroidkillah (View user info) at 2005-01-22 20:15:16 EST
Just wanna let everybody know, this post is dedicated to beer-turtle. For those of you who have read my previous posts, you know we had a bit of a disagreement. And While I'm not gonna put anything he told me into practice, it's still for him. Also, this will likely be the last post I write for some time. I'm sure I'll not be missed. By the way, to those of you who are paying attention, I realize there is a bit of overlap from the last installment.
Backstory:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/56887
Intro:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/56854
Part One:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/57083
Part Two:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/57199
Jacobs made his way to his quarters where he relaxed and listened to some of his favorite music. When he had killed enough time, he went to the sim-room, where Wilcox was waiting for him.
"Hey," called Craig as Hal approached, "looks like you could use a little more sleep."
"It was only funny the first time," replied Hal, "so you can stop now."
"Aren't we crabby! Perhaps you woke up on the wrong side of the bed."
"That's it! Get in that room and buckle in; looks like I'm gonna have to break out a can of whup-ass to shut you up."
The two friends entered the room and each buckled into a sim pod. Before "logging on" to the computer, both pilots entered their respective mech ID numbers. This allowed the computer to load a specific mech's dimensions and stats, making for a completely realistic simulation.
Pilot familiarity and comfort in handling a mech often meant the difference between victory and defeat in any battle, including a simulated one. No two mechs were exactly alike, the pilot being free to customize and upgrade his mech as comfort, regulations, and personal funds allowed. A pilot could buy better parts on the black market and have them installed in his mech with the base commander's approval. Also, a pilot could modify the existing systems to fit his personal taste, if these modifications increased the pilot's performance in battle without risking damage to the mech.
The two pilots logged onto their computers, choosing the one-on-one mode; and began the simulation. Just as in a real mech, their bodies went comatose, allowing the mind to do all the work. The setting was a bright, sunny, grassy plain. Hal and Craig often did battle here, just for the fun of it. However, since it lacked any type of cover whatsoever, it forced a pilot to use every trick he knew if he wanted to win.
Hal started out in the northwest corner of the area. Immediately he checked his weapons and operating systems. It was a habit well ingrained in him by long hours of training. Everything checked out, and Hal began his hunt. His main weapon was a large energy-pulse cannon. It was a very powerful weapon, able to provide outstanding accuracy at well over two miles. It was capable of very rapid semi-automatic fire, but the high-energy blasts quickly heated up the barrel of the gun, throwing off accuracy and, in a worst-case scenario, possibly melting the barrel. His secondary weapon was a pair of shoulder-mounted missile launchers. These were very handy in a battle involving many enemy units, but not so good in single combat. It was not difficult for a skilled pilot to dodge a missile if he were paying attention.
Hal checked his radar, and saw that Craig was four and a half miles away and closing. Too far away for visual contact, so all he could do was move. He readied his weapon. Three miles, now. Hal saw Craig on the horizon and brought his weapon to his shoulder. Craig was still too far away for an accurate shot. Hal noticed a flash from Craig's mech. That would be his shoulder-mounted mortar. Time to move, Hal thought to himself. Hal dodged to the left, and a second later, the shell hit the earth where Hal would have been at that moment if he had not moved. The battle had now officially begun. There would be no communication between them. House rules.
Craig was now less than two miles away. His mech was fast, but that speed was an indication of lighter armor. A direct hit from Hal's cannon would nearly obliterate Craig's mech, and both pilots knew it. However, another thing both pilots knew was that the other knew him too well. There would be no damage caused by weapons in this battle. The firing of weapons was more or less for show, and nothing more. Very soon, both of them would come face to face, jettisoning their armor, and start fighting it out hand-to-hand.
Hand-to-hand combat was possible because of the direct connection the pilot had to his machine. Any skills learned outside of the mech would still be retained inside the mech. However, because it was necessary to jettison the outer armor in order to fight effectively, making it extremely dangerous, hand-to-hand combat was considered a last-ditch effort to defeat the enemy. In order to offset the lack of protection, all mechs were equipped with three-foot, titanium-coated, retractable steel spikes installed on the top of the hands of the mech. These spikes were connected to a respective single, large capacitor, which stored excess energy generated by the thermocouple power plant located in the abdomen of mech. After the capacitors were filled, all other excess energy was routed through the legs and into the ground.
The capacitors could hold a charge of approximately one hundred million volts apiece, and could discharge the energy through the spikes in less than a second, with the force of nearly a thousand amps. The idea was for the pilot to stab the spikes into the opponent, discharging the energy, and with any luck, damaging or destroying vital circuits. The ideal position for the pilot was directly behind the opponent, where he could thrust the spikes into the shoulders of the opponent without risking injury to his own mech. The shoulders were the ideal area to hit because they allowed the energy the most room destroy as it moved down the opponent mech in it's race to get to the ground and dissipate. In essence, once hit with the electrode spikes, the mech was transformed into nothing more than a giant lightning rod.
At almost the same time, as if by some signal, both Hal and Craig dropped their outer armor and weapons and lunged or each other. Despite the their size, the mechs could move astonishingly fast, especially now that there was no heavy armor to create excessive inertia. The two pilots grappled for a minute, throwing punches and kicks whenever the opportunity showed itself. Without warning, Hal backed off, causing Craig to lose balance and fall on his hands and knees. This was all the opening Hal needed. Within seconds, Hal's electrodes were buried right below Craig's armpits. For Craig, everything went black.
Craig opened his eyes and looked around the training pod. He logged off, disconnected, and opened up the hatch. When he got out, he checked his watch. The match hadn't lasted even tem minutes. He had gotten his ass kicked in less than ten minutes. This was something he was not going to live down for a long time. He heard Hal moving around inside his pod, and in a few seconds, the door swung open. Hal was grinning smugly as he climbed out of the pod. He did not say anything to Craig. He did not have to. He knew the smile was enough to drive Craig up a wall.
User Reviews
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2005-01-24 00:05:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Metroid,
I wouldn't mind helping ya out a bit from time to time. Hell I helped my ex-gf get an A in her college composition class by editting her stuff and making suggestions.
I wouldn't want to force the butterfly from the cocoon as it were though.
I nit-pick the details because I want to believe something is real when I read it or even when I write it. I don't like wasting words on things that don't have a point the piece. Everyword should be important, not just the plot as it passes.
A story can be very short with little details and still get your whole plot across.
What I do, honestly, is I write out the key events in the plot almost in an outline, and then fill in the blanks to flesh out the story.
For example, my first version (had I written this in stead of you) would be like (idents are secondary and tertiary thoughts) along with question I would ask myself to make it flow
C&H goto the simulation room
What does the room look like?
What do the pods do?
What does the world inside the sim look/feel like
C&H Fight
What do their mechs look like?
What tactics do they use against eachother?
What weapons do they use and how do they use them?
H wins fight
How did he beat C?
How does C feel about being beaten
---
I answer the questions I pose myself in the writing with the simple answers. Then add detail.
Example: Hal beats Craig--How--Hand to Hand?
You did a good job on answering the questions but it was almost like you wanted to tell us how it happened rather than showing. By Explaining the twin rod with the 100,000,000 million volts at 1000 amps, you could have just used it.
Hal jammed the twin spikes housed in his forearms into joints where Craig's arms socketed into his shoulders. Electricity arced like caged lightning as the current coursed through Craig's mech and damaged the vital circuits within. After a moment the charge dissapated and Craig's mech was useless along with Craig, as the shock stole his consciousness. Craig awoke as the main computer disengaged his mind from the sim pod.
By active usage of the explanation in the action of the story you are not "telling" the reader how it works, you are showing them.
Ya Follow?
-B
btw Burning Sands was my first space/mech story that I ever even started.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/25886 was another vehicle concept piece I started as paret of the back story to a video game I am designing.
Submitted by johnnyclubmasterson (user info) at 2005-01-23 10:37:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Sweet exo-squad memories. It was a good product damnit, those toys. They came with a little guy, posable as a GI Joe, and that figure alone had all these accesories. And then you get the mech the little guy can fit into, and the mech had all these accesories on its own. You get all of this in one little box! I blame the video game industry for the lack of quality action figures.
Submitted by metroidkillah (user info) at 2005-01-22 23:01:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm not stopping because of you turtle man. I'm just saying it'll take a while before I post again, that's all. I told you I was a slow writer. I was serious.
I had an idea. Maybe we should join forces. With your brain and my... brain(?), we could write some awesome stuff. You're good at technical stuff, and I'm good at plot (kinda). Whaddya say?
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2005-01-22 21:20:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
the writing is still good...don't stop writing because of me.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/57380 is something I am writing FOR YOU.
If you indulge me for a moment I will show you what I mean about showing versus telling and tightening up your writing.
The two friends entered the room and each buckled into a sim pod. Before "logging on" to the computer, both pilots entered their respective mech ID numbers. This allowed the computer to load a specific mech's dimensions and stats, making for a completely realistic simulation.
---
The fact they are friends has already been established. If I had to rewrite this paragraph I would approach it like this.
Hal and Craig walked casually into the sim room. The sleek stainless steel cocoons welcomed them like the ones contained within their mechs. The pilots entered their personal ID's and logged on to the system and the master computer customized the Mech specs each pilot had in the real world.
---
A few points
"logging on" is common in today's world and is not something that needs quotes.
this is the future so calling it a completely realistic simulation is a short cut and denies your readers the chance to read a description of the world within.
Why would they need to buckle in? if the computer is taking over their autonomic functions and the pods are stationary, what is the point of the buckles? In the mechs themselves I would think that they would have their bodies contained within an impact gel or liquid.
If they are interfaced through a neural connection, why do they have to be inside the mech, why not just transmit directly from the sim pods to the actual mechs and remain in safety.
I am not trying to HURT your writing dude. I want to see it get better. You have some good ideas and I would love to see them get expressed how you visualize them in your mind.
Describe the sim pods. Describe what it feels like for a pilot to switch his consciousness from his body to the mech, is it instant, or does it feel like they are falling asleep, drifting and then waking up with a new armored form.
Keep writing. Write till you fingers bleed and then edit it down to best words in the best order to describe your scenes.
-B
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-01-22 20:20:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice.
MetroidKillah and beer_turtle, sittin' in a tree
K-I-S-S-I-N-G
First comes love
Then comes marriage
Then cums beer_turtle in your ass...
is that the popular children's lymeric?