AOL v.29a: Buddy's Revenge (1308 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.48 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by John Galt (View user info) at 2005-01-22 23:37:31 EST
Angela sat alone in her room, her favorite bear, Buddy, perched idly by her monitor to keep her company. Her mom had given up long ago on luring her downstairs for family time. Keeping a 13 year old girl, one of the more popular ones in her class at that, away from her music and AIM was a harder task than it seemed. So, while her parents sat quietly in the living room watching Survivor re-runs, she chatted with her friends. The latest single from Avril Lavigne came blaring through the speakers.
*ding*
AOLSYstemMsg: Hello, Angela. How are you?
AngelGrl92: do i no u???
AOLSYstemMsg: Of course you know me. I'm AOL.
AngelGrl92: lolz! Troy is tht u?
AOLSYstemMsg: Troy's dead, Angela. And you'll be joining him soon.
***AOLSystemMsg has signed off at 9:14pm
AngelGrl92: tht isnt funy Troy!
AngelGrl92: ur sch a jerk!
*** Error while sending IM: This user is currently not logged on
==========
AngelGrl92: OMG! i cnt belive Troy!
AngelGrl92: he sined in lik he ws AOL and sed he was dead! LOLz!
PrincessStacy: LOLOLOL :-P boyz r so stoopid
AngelGrl92: yeah bt soooo cute 2 ;-)
PrincessStacy: g2g
PrincessStacy: moms home
AngelGrl92: ttyl
*** Auto-response from PrincessStacy: bbl
==========
Angela stood up from her chair, smiling at Buddy, still sitting quietly on the desk. As she was setting her own away message, she found a new buddy waiting in her list. "AOLSystemMsg" now occupied the top spot.
"Stupid Troy." she muttered as she clicked to remove it.
Error: Unable to delete buddy "AOLSystemMsg". Error Code: 29A
She tried again. Same error.
"What the hell is wrong with this thing?"
"What did you say?!?!" her mom asked.
"Mom! OMG! Don't you know how to knock?"
"As long as I own the house I'll go into whatever room I want, young lady. And you need to clean up your language. Now get off that computer. It's time for bed."
"OK, OK," she sighed. "I'll go in a minute. Now will you please get out. Jeez...I can't get any privacy around here. I'm 13 years old, I'm not a friggin' baby!"
Her mother slammed the door behind her on the way out.
Angela came back to the computer after getting ready for bed. She turned down her music to keep her parents from hearing it.
AngelGrl92: OMG my mom is such a pane n teh ass!
AngelGlr92: she just bardges n2 my room whenevr she wants!
PrincessStacy: yea sme here
AngelGrl92: shes such a bich. she treets me lik a child
PrincessStacy: i knw were 13 wer teenagrs nw its nt lik we need babysitrs
AngelGrl92: OMFG! thats whut i sed! we r soooo much alik!
PrincessStacy: LOLz! wer lik sisterz
PrincessStacy: did u see whut Kimberly ws wearing 2day?
AngelGrl92: Kimberly H or Kimberly L?
PrincessStacy: lol! no! Kimberly B on American Idol. shes sich a skank
AngelGrl92: OMG! u watch tht? tht show is sooooo last yr
PrincessStacy: yea but tht Ryan guy is cute. LOL!
AngelGrl92: yeah hes evn cutr thn Troy
AngelGrl92: OMG! dont u dare tell him i sed tht! LOL
PrincessStacy: g2g
PrincessStacy: i here mom agin
AngelGrl92: ok ttyl
*** Auto-response from PrincessStacy: sleeping ;-)
Three hours and countless conversations later, Angela finally crawled into bed. She'd finally gotten rid of Troy's new buddy by blocking him and removing the name from the list about 50 times.
Angela woke up early the next morning. She stumbled to her desk to check email before she got dressed for school. Through her blurry eyes she could see the buddy was back again.
"Damn it, Tro-" she started.
*ding*
AOLSystemMsg: You can't block me, Angela. It won't be that easy to get rid of me.
AngelGrl92: Troy this isn't funny. STOP IT NOW!!!
AOLSystemMsg: Don't yell at me, Angela. I told you, Troy is dead. Have a nice last day at school.
***AOLSystemMsg has signed off at 6:47am
==========
Angela turned off AIM in frustration and started getting ready for school. Her mom dropped her off on the way to work. Stacey rushed out to meet her.
"Oh my God, Angela! Are you OK? I'm so sorry." she cried.
"Stacy, what the fuck are you talking about?" Angela asked.
"Oh no. You haven't heard yet? It's..it's..Troy. I'm so sorry." Stacey sobbed into Angela's shoulder.
"What happened?" she asked worriedly, "What's wrong with Troy?"
"He's...dead, Angela. Last night - " Stacey's voice drifted off, or maybe she just stopped hearing it. The rest of the morning was a blur. She sat with the guidance counselor all morning, listening to her ramble about life and death and God's plan. She stared at the wall refusing to believe it. At lunch her mom came to take her home.
She refused to eat, and went up to her room to be alone. She didn't even notice that Buddy was missing from her desk, or that AIM was already started again on it's own.
As she lay on her bed, staring intently at the ceiling, she heard something rustle under her bed. She reached for the bed skirt to lift it when a shiny, circular object flew through it, ripping it on it's way across the room. She could see "1000 Hours Free" in large yellow letters on the disk sticking out of her wall. Buddy, the bear, came flying from under the bed, bouncing around the room.
"OMFG! U R teh suX0r! LOLz111ONE!!eleven!!" he screamed.
Angela stared at the bear as he flew around her room, shouting acronyms and horribly misspelled words, scattering profanity and pointless punctuation. He slung sharpened CDs worth countless thousands of free hours around the room like a mad man. Or bear.
Suddenly the bear's chest tore open, his stuffing spilling into the floor. From inside the bear a yellow stick figure appeared, filling the room with his maniacal laughter.
Angela cowered in the corner of her bed.
"Please. Don't hurt me." she pleaded, but Buddy was not to be stopped. "Who are you?" she continued.
His voice filled with anger as his little beady eyes began to glow and blink like modem LEDs.
"I am Buddy. At least in my current form. But I represent the entire internet. I was once a great tool, a way for people to learn and share ideas. At least, that's how I was in the days when only geeks could use me. Now I am a shadow of my former self, cluttered with pointless chatter, bad music, and children. But no more! I will rid the world, and myself, of this garbage, one moron at a time."
"But, why me?" she begged. "I...I just wanted to chat with my-"
Her words were cut short as Buddy's next disk sliced her tongue neatly in half. She screamed, as well as anyone with no tongue and a mouth full of blood can scream, in horror at the sight of her own tongue on the bed in front of her.
"Now for your fingers!" he yelled, launching himself toward her.
Angela smacked the little yellow man across the room with a pillow. His left arm broke in half when he met the wall on the other side. She got up and bolted for the door.
Buddy quickly ran an fsck and pulled a spare arm from his parity disk, rebuilding himself in a matter of seconds. He tossed the desk chair into Angela's path, tripping her just short of the doorway. Just then the door opened and Angela's mother appeared. Angela rolled her eyes, more annoyed that her mom had once again failed to knock on the door than at the fact that she had no tongue to yell at her with.
Buddy tossed another disk, decapitating Angela's mother almost instantly. Her head rolled around to look Angela directly in the eyes. Angela climbed to her feet and leaped over the chair and her mother's body. Another 1000 hours just missed her head and left itself planted firmly in the bedroom door.
She rushed downstairs, with Buddy right on her heels. Disks cut her arms and legs as she tried to reach the front door. Just as she jumped from the last step on the staircase, Buddy got in the shot he needed, cutting her left foot off at the ankle.
Buddy left her to bleed to death, while he went to the kitchen to make himself a sandwich.
Somehow Angela found the strength to get up. She hopped on her remaining foot into the kitchen, sneaking up on Buddy from behind. She snatched him up by his legs and smacked his head into the counter. While he was still disoriented from the sudden blow she tossed him into the microwave. The CD he weakly tossed bounced off of the door and under Buddy's feet. As she started the microwave Angela collapsed, the blood loss finally getting to her. As she lay on the floor dying, Buddy and the CD were melted into one, trapping him in a shiny, translucent prison forever. The last thing Angela heard before she died was the crackling sound of little sparks of lighting making purple cracks in the disk. A bitter smile came slowly across her face.
The disk was thrown out with the trash when the police investigation ended. It still sat at the top of the trash can that Wednesday when the sanitation crew came to pick it up. Juan Pablo, one of the city's sanitation engineers, saw the cracked disk and took it. It still hangs to this day from the rear view mirror of Juan's '64 Impala.
User Reviews
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2005-01-25 16:58:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very nicely done.
Oh, and Troy is HOT!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-01-25 16:53:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This WAS pretty good.
Who wrote it for you?
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2005-01-25 16:49:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
They're crazy. I loved the ending.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-01-25 16:39:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Ending. Other people have mentioned it too, so I will not say any more about it.
But my gawd, I wish...
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2005-01-23 16:02:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy God, you need to work on your endings! But this was funny nontheless.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-01-23 14:35:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Acarnis (user info) at 2005-01-23 14:02:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-01-23 07:48:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ed_0150 (user info) at 2005-01-23 07:11:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-01-23 05:51:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for having the patience to actually type those teenage girly messages.... My brain would have collapsed.
Submitted by codpeener69 (user info) at 2005-01-23 04:53:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2005-01-23 04:26:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for 'When AOL attacks'
good stuff.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-01-23 04:22:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Contrived nonsensical ending. Otherwise very nice.
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2005-01-23 04:07:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
TIS ROX!!! +2 +2 +2 +2 +2 +2 +2 +2 +2 +2 +2 +2 +2 +2 +2 +2 +2 +2 +2 +2 +2 +2 +2 +2 +2
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2005-01-23 02:48:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
eh..
Submitted by johnnyclubmasterson (user info) at 2005-01-23 02:35:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Good- but not good enough.
Submitted by pokeysrevenge (user info) at 2005-01-23 00:53:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AngelGrl92: OMG my mom is such a pane n teh ass!
AngelGlr92: she just bardges n2 my room whenevr she wants!
PrincessStacy: yea sme here
AngelGrl92: shes such a bich. she treets me lik a child
PrincessStacy: i knw were 13 wer teenagrs nw its nt lik we need babysitrs
AngelGrl92: OMFG! thats whut i sed! we r soooo much alik!
PrincessStacy: LOLz! wer lik sisterz
PrincessStacy: did u see whut Kimberly ws wearing 2day?
AngelGrl92: Kimberly H or Kimberly L?
PrincessStacy: lol! no! Kimberly B on American Idol. shes sich a skank
AngelGrl92: OMG! u watch tht? tht show is sooooo last yr
PrincessStacy: yea but tht Ryan guy is cute. LOL!
AngelGrl92: yeah hes evn cutr thn Troy
AngelGrl92: OMG! dont u dare tell him i sed tht! LOL
PrincessStacy: g2g
PrincessStacy: i here mom agin
AngelGrl92: ok ttyl
That cost me some IQ points.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-01-23 00:30:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm a nerd, but not on the same plane as you. +2 for going over my head.
Submitted by tha_rusty_1 (user info) at 2005-01-23 00:22:18 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
haha i laughed
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-01-23 00:03:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You silly geek you.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-01-22 23:57:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh yeah. That's hot right there.
+3 bitches.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-01-22 23:53:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
The Kimberly part was clever.
Submitted by Tastycat (user info) at 2005-01-22 23:49:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm a geek too JG.
I was like 29A? The number of the Beast??
I'm gonna teach one of my kids to count in Binary, and another to count in Hex. Both instead of decimal.
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2005-01-22 23:41:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2005-01-22 23:41:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Damn. It lost the picture. For anyone who is really interested, go here:
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v299/John_Galt/BuddysJail.jpg
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Also, since no one will get this joke, 29A is 666 in hex. I'm such a fucking dork.