UPI: Jared Gets Raped (NSFW) (2126 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.09 on 40 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Kazzerax (View user info) at 2005-01-24 18:14:44 EST
There is a full moon. I feel the hunger for a tight little asshole. It is time.
The raping shall begin.
I see the squirming figure before me. He never even saw me coming. I can see in his eyes the memories of the previous night.....
He was walking by himself, whistling Beethoven's third symphony, when he stopped and bought ice cream for all the neighborhood children. I knew this man would be a perfect target. After helping several old ladies cross the street, I struck. I came out from the shadows and grabbed him. I heard him yelp in surprise, and that's when I clamped his mouth shut and held a knife to his jugular.
"Who are you?" He sputtered after a moment.
"You know damn well who I am, Jared. Cooperate, and I promise I won't hurt you.... much." I snarled.
"Haha, ooooohhh, you nearly made me piddle myself, you big scary brute." I heard him scoff.
A quick motion next to my face stole my attention, and I slashed violently at the air, carving a wing off a rather large moth. I shuddered.
"Fucking shit! I hate moths." I heard myself say.
Jared froze. He knew his attacker.
"Y-you!" He managed to cry before I smashed the base of his skull with my fist.
He was out cold. And it was at this time that he was starting to wake up. I had successfully removed his pants, and had him tied down. The KY was ready and waiting. Soon, my fantasy would be complete. Jared coughed, and began to stare at his surroundings. He was still dazed from the blow to his head."Don't worry, friend. It will all be over soon." I smiled, undoing my belt.
"Wh-why are you doing this!? What have I done!?"
"You're in the number-two spot on the MVA! I thought it would be fitting to plug number-two in the pooper."
I began to chuckle at the intentional pun. Now, people will begin to see me as the comic genius of Ubersite! No more shall I sit in the shadows. I looked at Jared and saw that he wasn't laughing.
"Come on... don't you get it?"
"Not really."
"Number-two? Pooper?" I was getting desperate.
"Oh. Now I get it. Clever." He said expressionlessly.
"Oh, YOU BASTARD!!"
I exploded, and jumped on top of him. I rubbed the KY all over my erect cock, and his asshole. I began pumping away. He began to moan in sheer agony. Or was it pleasure? I couldn't tell. After I was done with him, I lit a cigarette.
"Hey, can I have one?" He called.
"Oh... sure."
Jared took a deep drag, and sighed.
"You know, you could've just asked. Are you ready for round two? I'm dying for a reach-around."
There you have it, vote on the Uber_User who raped Jared. When someone guesses correctly,
they recieve a +2.
User Reviews
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-01-26 16:38:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
wow. i tried to get jared to have butt sex with me and he shot me down.
i am jealous.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2005-01-24 22:17:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh..... I had a good time writing this one. I picked the next rapist, and I'm sure the post is gonna be a doozy.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-01-24 21:57:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It was definitely kazzerax. faggot.
Submitted by Kazzerax (user info) at 2005-01-24 21:43:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
IT WAS MATT! Good Job to:Lechuga, Comicbookguy, Tinactin, and Circe.
Special thanks again to Donkey for Uberboarding it.
Thank you. Thank you. "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" "Blow me, ass clown.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2005-01-24 21:40:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
matt
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-01-24 21:29:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Maiorano.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-01-24 21:18:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You mean shit actually registers in Shlongy's mind? Could have fooled me.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2005-01-24 21:15:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No shit, I was talking about Australia. Shlongy is such a retarded loser anything further than 1000 miles from his current location is just registered in his brain as "really far away."
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2005-01-24 21:11:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Mercury's alot more than 10 000 miles away, fuck face.
Submitted by fell-8-me (user info) at 2005-01-24 21:04:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Yes
Submitted by EbolaMay (user info) at 2005-01-24 20:57:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Sure is a lot of writing about rape on Uber. Timon was right.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2005-01-24 20:37:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Looks like Method's work to me.....
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-01-24 20:29:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
It depends.
Whether you are a homosexual or not.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-01-24 20:26:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If you give a guy a reacharound while you fuck him in the ass, does that make you..... ghey?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-01-24 20:19:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2005-01-24 19:08:18 (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, you'd kill me, on the internet. You'd punch me with your internet fist. You talk big, but only because you are 10,000 miles away from me. No doubt you will just reply with "I'd kill you" with your hands over your ears. I wouldn't kill you, but I'd rip that fucking mullet off your scalp and piss on your wrinkled tits.
You can run but you can't hide, Tyson (not the former champ- the chicken). 10,000 miles? You live on Mercury?
Cluck, cluck, cluck. I'd kill you, King of the Clearasil set.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-01-24 20:15:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If it wasn't method i'll go with my second guess, hidden
Submitted by Butler (user info) at 2005-01-24 19:55:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
YOUR SOCCER IS A JOKE!!! I OWN YOU LARUSSO!!! I OWN YOU!!!
Submitted by STIXS (user info) at 2005-01-24 19:55:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
It was me...I admit it...sorry, Jared...at least I used enough KY this time...
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-01-24 19:45:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What Lechunga said.
Submitted by Vomit (user info) at 2005-01-24 19:22:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Schlongy raped Jared obviously. What do you expect from someone who looks like this? http://www.ubersite.com/m/57566
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2005-01-24 19:21:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh, I bet it was Maiorano.
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2005-01-24 19:17:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Holy crap was that really him in that picture? With the big mullet?
Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2005-01-24 19:17:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Will you two get a fucking room already?
Your unmitigated gheyness is making me all a-tizzy
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2005-01-24 19:08:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, you'd kill me, on the internet. You'd punch me with your internet fist. You talk big, but only because you are 10,000 miles away from me. No doubt you will just reply with "I'd kill you" with your hands over your ears. I wouldn't kill you, but I'd rip that fucking mullet off your scalp and piss on your wrinkled tits.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-01-24 19:04:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You know what I hear when you type something little boy?
I hear "cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck."
I'd absolutely kill you.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2005-01-24 19:02:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
So much bitterness there shlongy. You must have gotten beaten and raped a lot as a child, so instead of getting the attention your raped ass craves so much you just get my pity.
Submitted by Kazzerax (user info) at 2005-01-24 18:58:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No one knowa so far. Also, special thanks to Donkey, who put
this on Uberboard. GO DONKEY WOO!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-01-24 18:46:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
How did I know you'd show up and comment? Too easy.
I remember why. Because you're a fucking idiot.
Cluck, cluck, asshole.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2005-01-24 18:44:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
How did I know shlongy was going to pick me? The correct answer is that he must spend every waking moment thinking about me. Any stupid comeback he tries to come with will be wrong, but then I guess he would have to be used to being wrong, so go ahead and try shlongmullet.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-01-24 18:43:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Jared.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-01-24 18:37:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I probably raped myself. That being the case, it isn't rape if it's consentual.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-01-24 18:35:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mel Gibson
Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2005-01-24 18:35:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Burko.
/shrug
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-01-24 18:31:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I bet it was Schlongy.
He has the perfect name for it...right?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-01-24 18:29:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It's eie\ther you, because you know so many details, or professor fuckface, who will take any anus that he can. Preferrably male bunghole.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-01-24 18:29:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Me.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-01-24 18:25:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Sounds like method.
Submitted by cheruboo (user info) at 2005-01-24 18:24:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2005-01-24 18:18:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Lojope
Submitted by mazman23 (user info) at 2005-01-24 18:18:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Was it Vomit?