War Math (1919 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.1 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tom <theubertom.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-01-25 00:07:44 EST
War Math
If you're like me, you're confused about all these arrests taking place in the War on Terrorism that aren't the figureheads. We seem to be capturing this, that, and the other terrorist but we just can't seem to nab the head honcho. I decided to take it upon myself to send an email to a government Iraq war thinktank in an attempt to better understand the arrests taking place overseas.
To: Iraq Thinktank
From: Tom
Subj: Arrests?
Hi there! My name is Tom, and I'm very confused about arrests taking place overseas. It seems that we are only able to capture aids and other minor figures, but we can never catch the big ones like Zarqawi, bin Laden or Zawahiri. What's the logic behind all this?
Hope to hear from you soon,
Tom
I had a response several hours later.
To: Tom
From: Iraq Thinktank
Subj: re: Arrests?
Hi Tom. Always good to hear from a curious citizen.
We run by a very simple arithmetic scheme. You see, we simply add up the insignificant people arrested so that they are equal to one significant person. We call this 'War Math'. It's very simple to understand. Here is an example.
3 Zarqawi Aids + 2 terrorists arrested in Germany = Abu Musab al Zarqawi
You see, 1 Zarqawi aid is very insignificant and one terrorist arrested in Germany is insignificant as well, but if you take 3 aids and 2 terrorists and put them together, it has about the same level of importance as capturing Zarqawi would. Let me toss you another example.
5 Zarqawi Aids + 3 bin Laden aids + 1 random former Iraqi government member + 2 terrorists arrested in relation to the Madrid bombings + 1 former bin Laden chauffeur = Osama bin Laden.
All of these rather insignificant figures puts together compensates for our acute inability and rather notable incompetence when it comes to capturing the people who are actually worth something intelligence-wise.
I hope you better understand now!
Wow! What a great explanation that was, but I was still having some trouble understanding why they wouldn't just capture the big guys instead. I had to ask.
To: Iraq Thinktank
From: Tom
Subj: Another question
Ok, but I still don't quite understand why you don't just go after the #1 people like bin Laden, al Zawahiri and Zarqawi. Care to explain?
Their response was immediate.
To: Tom
From: Iraq Thinktank
Subj: re: Another question
Think of it this way, Tom.
Osama bin Laden is an M&M factory. Now, pretend each M&M is an enemy to America. The factory produces a lot of M&Ms, but if we capture and shut down the factory, the M&Ms stop. We don't want to stop the M&Ms, we want to keep capturing them so we can keep the citizens of America thinking that we are doing our jobs and that it truly is a major threat.
Another way to think of it is that the factory is the Islamic movement in general. If you stop the movement, you don't get any more delicious M&Ms to capture and allow the people of America to eat up. You see, Tom, every time we get an M&M, Americans get a little taste of what we are doing, and they have a sort of after-taste lingering in their mouths at all times. They never forget about the M&Ms. If we stop the flow of M&Ms, after a while, the taste goes away and people just forget about it. So you see, Tom, if we allow people to forget about the M&Ms, in this case terrorists, we can no longer stress that there is a reason to wage this war, which is our main agenda.
I hope this helped you!
Astonishing, if I may say so myself. It's simple to understand now! When you are a crooked politician trying to be elected, force your own agendas and help out your special interests, you have to do anything within your grasp to make it happen! Even if it means endangering the public, both here in the United States and in other countries like Iraq, where civilians, otherwise known as "collateral damage" are being murdered every day, nothing is more important than keeping your oil stocks safe and making sure Jesus comes back to a Jew-only Israel!
Amen.
User Reviews
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-02-21 19:03:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So was this real, or was this guy trying to get fired?
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2005-02-21 18:41:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're pretty smart, I think.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-02-05 18:15:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
re: osama bin laden... http://www.ubersite.com/m/22764
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-01-26 20:21:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice analogy.
Submitted by tlozoot (user info) at 2005-01-25 12:05:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Remind me to steal that analogy.
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2005-01-25 11:02:27 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Yeah, forget capturing the associates...it's not like interrogating them would lead to capturing the head honchos anyway...
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-01-25 08:45:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Not your best work....but better than most of the tripe around it.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-01-25 07:33:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Didn't they get Zarqawi the other day? In any case I think that Midnight is right in the hinking that capturing all the head honcho's won't really change anything. The political saturation of the ideals in question is too great.
Submitted by Joemama (user info) at 2005-01-25 04:44:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Pick up a copy of Imperial Hubris
if you really want an answer
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2005-01-25 04:33:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by hungovermondays (user info) at 2005-01-25 00:12:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
I wasn't sure of this at first, but strong finish.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2005-01-25 04:20:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-01-25 04:17:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-01-25 00:27:11 (#)
Ranking: 0
If you can relate an incident in which an M&M set off a car bomb or cut off somebody's head, then we can talk"""
Is it just me or is this guy getting more irritating by the day?
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2005-01-25 04:06:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
2 Zarqawis and a zod rune make Dick Cheney, I think
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2005-01-25 03:01:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Buddist Extremeist - Light themselves on fire
Islamic Extremeist - Blows up themselves and those around them
Christian Extremeist - Accuses Spongebob of making their kids gay
-B
Submitted by matrix2681 (user info) at 2005-01-25 02:12:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
The first part of this looked like a Horadric Cube recipe from Diablo 2.
Submitted by TheMidnight12AM (user info) at 2005-01-25 01:27:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Well-written, but I have a couple of issues here. The reference to Christ was an unnecessary jab at Christianity, and honestly, capturing the #1's is only for the morale of America and its troops. The al Quaeda movement would not cease with the capture of bin Laden, in fact, he would either be a martyr or even more praised, and then someone would simply replace him. Capturing aides and operatives is more important, because they actually carry out the bombings. Capturing the recruiters will help stop new terrorists, and then finally capturing the #1's will slow the message.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-01-25 01:25:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh... M+M's....
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2005-01-25 00:43:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Jack,
I would like you to point out where in the post I just submitted it said "The Islamic movement is right."
The only thing I oppose more than Oprah is the Islamic movement. The Indians managed to oust their oppressers without much violence. The Muslim extremists are just being cocks. My goal here was not to say "Well look at me, I hate the US government's policies more than I hate the car bombers," it was to say more like "The US Government intentionally doesn't do the right things to stop it."
But thanks for reading and responding.
Submitted by Boxtop (user info) at 2005-01-25 00:34:33 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Shouldn't you have tried to be funny?
oh, sorry...
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2005-01-25 00:33:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good shit.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-01-25 00:30:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
M+Ms. Blow off your head, not cut off your hand.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-01-25 00:27:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
If you can relate an incident in which an M&M set off a car bomb or cut off somebody's head, then we can talk.
Submitted by hungovermondays (user info) at 2005-01-25 00:12:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wasn't sure of this at first, but strong finish