What's wrong with watching porn at your girlfriends house? Nothing, if you don't get caught. (19010 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.77 on 59 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Apollo (View user info) at 2005-01-25 11:43:24 EST
A couple of years back and I swear this is a true story, I had a girlfriend.
The End.
Just kidding, somebody else had the girlfriend; I just pretended she was mine.
No, but seriously folks I had a beau. A boo as Nelly and the rest of the illiterate hip hop 'artistes' would have it. We had been seeing each other for a while so made the consultative and responsible decision to enter into a fully sexual relationship, after much discussion and research into the pros and cons of course. I remember the discussion we had well.
"Do you want another can of cider?"
"Go on then."
"Another?"
"Jesus Jim give me time to drink that one!"
"Oh sorry I have drunk mine. Finished yet? Can we have sex now?"
Yep, that was about it. Ah sex in the park, how romantic. Sex in the park, drunk, aged sixteen, in the rain not so. Romance shmomance, any hole is a goal.
Her parents were fairly strict so there was no chance of me being able to stay overnight at her house in the same room and while my parents probably would have allowed it no way would she step foot into my shit infested stinky little hovel I called home.
One weekend we were all going to a party and I was staying at her house (on the couch), I got on quite well with her dad as we were both Liverpool FC fans thus had some common ground, plus we were both banging his daughter. When we got back from the party her dad was on his way upstairs. We exchanged pleasantries;
"Good night Mr Jones."
"Good night Jim, no funny business you hear?"
"Of course! Thanks for letting me stay over."
"No worries, just keep the mouse in the house okay."
"Will do!"
"Keep the sausage in the fridge."
"Okay, g'night."
"Keep the..."
"OKAY! I get it jeez."
With that he went to bed. Naturally as soon as his bedroom door shut we were all over each other like a rash. A bit of 'heavy petting' later and little Jim was straining to get into the action, alas it was not to be and despite my pathetic mewling and obvious attempts at emotional blackmail Kate went to bed leaving me hotter than the devils barbecue tongs.
I flicked on the TV and started flipping through the channels eventually finding my way up the dial to MTV Base. Watching the grinding divas aroused me even further and soon I could stand it no longer, I checked my watch, yup the ten minute free porn viewing was just about to start.
I've no idea why I watched as even I wouldn't sink low enough to crack one off on my girlfriends couch while her family slept upstairs. Would I? Eventually I became drowsy; taking care to leave the TV on a more respectable channel I turned it off and fell asleep.
The next morning over breakfast Mr Jones mentioned to me that he had recorded 'Match of the Day' and would I like to watch it with him. I was all up for that, bacon sandwiches and football with a hang over does rule after all. He rewound the video and pressed play.
All was going well as the first couple of games came on. Liverpool v Manchester City was the third (and main) match to be shown. Midway through it the picture became a bit jerky and faded out to be replaced by a raunchy hip hop video on MTV Base.
"Did someone change the channel on this?" Mr Jones demanded.
"What time was it on?" Asked Mrs Jones.
"From eleven until half past midnight." He responded.
"We were all in bed then, no one would have..............unless....." The sentence hung in the air in much the same way that air craft carriers don't.
All eyes turned to me, mine in turn were fixed on the screen as the channel on the video tape turned from MTV Base to Playboy TV, then The Adult Channel and finally settling on Asian Daily TV.
There was no easy way to face this but to my credit I stood up to it like a man. Well, like Carl Lewis anyway. You should have seen this fat boy run.
So, like I say, I had a girlfriend once............
User Reviews
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-09-07 15:31:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hehe
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-09-07 11:56:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2005-03-16 10:40:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Missed this........... one belated +2
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-03-15 04:50:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy crap, I never realized "boo" came from "beau." Is that true? Stupid young black America...
Ok, now to read the rest of the story...
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-03-15 04:36:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Natsukau (user info) at 2005-03-14 16:07:11 (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.fark.com/classifieds.html I found this post linked through the FARK website, in Saturday, March 12th archive. Just though I'd put that out there.
=-=================
Wow. I'm glad you put that out there. really. It makes a difference on how good the story is.
knob.
Submitted by kwame_johnson (user info) at 2005-03-15 03:44:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
forgot about this one.
Submitted by Natsukau (user info) at 2005-03-14 16:07:11 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.fark.com/classifieds.html I found this post linked through the FARK website, in Saturday, March 12th archive. Just though I'd put that out there.
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2005-03-14 10:30:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story I liked it.
+2 for being a fellow scouse fan
Submitted by kwame_johnson (user info) at 2005-03-14 10:19:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
gold
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-01-30 10:35:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Thor (user info) at 2005-01-28 17:50:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
bufoon
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-01-27 23:48:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
...and now you fuck your hand.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-01-27 06:56:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B-E-A-utiful
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-01-27 06:33:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wicked funny... what you should have done however was stare her dad full on in the face and say "How could you" in your most convincing tone.
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2005-01-27 01:02:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Commment
Submitted by Grin (user info) at 2005-01-26 23:14:44 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by NoahsArk (user info) at 2005-01-26 22:20:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Pacifist248 (user info) at 2005-01-26 22:04:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes Comment.
Good shit, Apollo ollopA ,tihs dooG.
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2005-01-26 21:56:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2005-01-26 21:54:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2005-01-26 18:30:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Hotpocket4you (user info) at 2005-01-25 21:40:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
Now that's what i call a sticky situation
-----------------
Haaaaaahahahaahahahhahahaha
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-01-26 20:06:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck you! I'm 17 and a half!
That isn't 16 even in metric.
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2005-01-26 18:30:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Hotpocket4you (user info) at 2005-01-25 21:40:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
Now that's what i call a sticky situation
-----------------
Haaaaaahahahaahahahhahahaha
Submitted by Kazzerax (user info) at 2005-01-26 18:08:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A couple of years back and I swear this is a true story, I had a girlfriend.
----------
SHENANANANANANANAN....
IGANS
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-01-26 16:47:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sanatarium (user info) at 2005-01-26 16:11:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"The sentence hung in the air in much the same way that air craft carriers don't"
Thats classic. i love the un-analogy.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2005-01-26 13:20:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
busted... hahahaha
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-01-26 11:03:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
you can call me whatever you want cutie.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2005-01-26 10:30:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Can I call you Jim?
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-01-26 09:59:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Youth?!
You are 16!
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-01-26 00:41:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah, youth.
Submitted by Shizae (user info) at 2005-01-25 23:00:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-01-25 21:59:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha.
Submitted by Hotpocket4you (user info) at 2005-01-25 21:40:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Now that's what i call a sticky situation
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-01-25 19:01:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2005-01-25 17:03:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
That was cute.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-01-25 16:50:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Bigaty-Bam, bitches... +2.
Submitted by scrumdown (user info) at 2005-01-25 15:07:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cheers mate!!
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-01-25 14:46:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
tee hee
Submitted by The_Wizard (user info) at 2005-01-25 14:38:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
brilliant.
B@W
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-01-25 13:33:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Some good lines in here...
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-01-25 12:54:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I got on quite well with her dad as we were both Liverpool FC fans thus had some common ground, plus we were both banging his daughter"
+2 for that, sicko.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-01-25 12:50:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Didn't he know you were the mighty Apollo?
lout
Is it your futbol team that is getting bought out by a (gasp) American?
That's what you get for drinking beer at room temperature.
Submitted by Kraven (user info) at 2005-01-25 12:34:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Laugh out loud... i wont even abbreviated it.. its worth the text!
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-01-25 12:27:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
God damn it...
All I get is the shitty stolen "old cable" porn that's colors have been reversed, and stuff...
and theeeeeeeeeeeeen.
andthen!
andthenandthenandthenandthenandthenandthen
Um... Yeah.
Submitted by theshrew (user info) at 2005-01-25 12:20:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ahhh the sweet 10 minutes, that must be one of the most watched 10 minutes ever, plus there used to be 2 channels doing it at the same time.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2005-01-25 12:19:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i would have just let you bang my daughter.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-01-25 12:14:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Romance shmomance, any hole is a goal.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-01-25 12:11:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-01-25 12:05:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-01-25 11:49:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
They have FREE PORN?!! ON TV?!! This "England" sounds like a truly wonderful place. . .
-----------
European Blue Review. Look it up.
Submitted by rpnswmr (user info) at 2005-01-25 11:59:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Reminded me of the late night phone sex infomercials in Germany...A fat old lady in leather yelling RUF MICH AN!
Submitted by Vomit (user info) at 2005-01-25 11:57:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-01-25 11:53:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You should have stopped after the first two sentences...instead of confirming what a buttplug you are.
Submitted by Monarch (user info) at 2005-01-25 11:51:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A couple of years back and I swear this is a true story, I had a girlfriend.
The End.
----------------------------------
You had the +2 right there. But I thought the rest of it was okay too.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-01-25 11:51:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-01-25 11:50:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was a great line:
"Liverpool FC fans thus had some common ground, plus we were both banging his daughter
This was even better:
"leaving me hotter than the devils barbecue tongs"
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-01-25 11:49:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
They have FREE PORN?!! ON TV?!! This "England" sounds like a truly wonderful place. . .
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-01-25 11:49:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2005-01-25 11:48:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you really are my hero apollo.
when I was watching shawn of the dead, I was picturing you as shawn's cousin.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-01-25 11:48:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought that this was going to be an "I Forgot the DVD in the Player" post for sure.