I gave a homeless man a lighter and pissed off 8,142,278 New Yorkers (2229 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.5 on 36 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Smurfs (View user info) at 2005-01-26 11:05:29 EST
I had skipped work Sunday, so any of my bosses reading this... I apologize. Not only had I skipped work but I went to the only alternative... a bar. Not just any bar, the Riviera Cafe & Sports Bar.
All you flabbergasted Yankee fans can relax, it was a scouting mission... investigating structural supports and the like so that the roof can fall in right as the ring ceremony starts in Fenway.
Wait another 86 years.
But that's all beside the point. While at the Riviera I proceeded to get torn up with a crowd, why a crowd? Because the lazy Boston Irish need to start drinking as early as possible, especially on Sundays. When they aren't praying to the bottom of a pint they are usually beating their wives and trying to keep black people out of their city. Frightened by NYC's multicultural environment the aging white relic's that have spawned from Boston huddle over their pints and reminisce about their fair city.
Apparently it has a wicked good aquarium.
With fish.
And a Freedom Trail. A Harvard Square... that could fit in the base of the Empire State Building...
But again... all this is beside the point.
Wait, wait... they also have the 'Make Way for Ducklings' Parade. Where traffic is stopped, and thousands of Bostonites (probably drunk and cat-calling) line the streets to watch itty-bitty children whose parents have dressed them like yellow ducklings parade down the streets. Homage to Robert McCloskey's children's book where 'Mr. and Mrs. Mallard find a home for their new brood in the middle of the big city.'
Nothing like a city that not only encourages pedophilia but closes down part of their city over it.
But again, none of this is about that city. It's about me stumbling out of the Riviera screaming back over my shoulder about what a punk Boggs was and how Mattingly could have kicked his ass blindfolded.
Go 23.
Falling down the steps at the Chambers street station I was half caught, and half tripped over a hulking beast of a man. A man dressed in tattered clothing smelling of the ass sweat of Subway's lapdog, Jared. This means he smelled like a combination of grilled chicken ceaser and roast beef. That had been left in the sun. And pissed on.
'Helllllllllo,' the morloch breathed on me, a large overcoat probably hiding an extra arm or tail.
I waved, having learned that any semblance of conversation results in a shower of partially dissolved food and spittle.
'I'm SSSsssssammmy.'
The hairs on the back of my neck responding to the sibilance, images of Cobra Commander flashed through the back of my mind. Glancing over my shoulders hoping for an armed escort of GI Joes... I was mildly disappointed to only see disinterested New Yorkers, and gawking tourists trying to get a photo of my companion.
Since when did the fanny pack make a comeback?
Distracted by the site of early 90's memorabilia, I spun around as a heavy hand landed on my shoulder, burning through the fabric of my shirt like acid. He leaned into me, yellow teeth chewing air in between words, 'I hate New York.'
'I'm quite sorry,' I responded, plucking his hand from me with tweeze-like dexterity.
'Do you know where I'm frooom?' He implored, shifting his weight from foot to foot, each jolt shaking a layer of grim from his rags.
'The third level of hell?'
'Boston!' He cried with a mighty bellow.
Instantly I understood, and I wrapped my arms around him hugging him. 'Oh, you poor poor man.' I thought he'd be touched by this dissolving of societies socio-economic boundaries; as well as the risk to my health I was taking.
I could not have been more wrong.
'Git off of me!' He screamed, drawing the attention of the platform. 'I hate you New Yorkers and your pizza and your buildings that go above four floors. Think you're so good because your city offers diversity... HOGWASH!'
As I backed away slowly, he advanced, his finger shaking in my face.
'With your Yankees, and queers, and Wall Street, and Broadway, and hot dogs, and culture. I've had enough of you all! ENOUGH!'
'Look man, want a quarter?' I held one out, he slapped it from my hand.
'Fuck your quarter!' He roared, his eyes sliding into the back of his head.
Then a pause, and he hummed for a moment before holding out his hand, 'Do you have a lighter?'
'I don't have any cigarettes...'
'Give me your lighter!'
I tossed him the bic I had in my pocked and as I scampered away I could hear him cackling.
Crazy Bostonians...
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http://www.nytimes.com/2005/01/25/nyregion/25cnd-comm.html
As Impact of Subway Fire Sinks In, Riders' Frustration Rises
By COREY KILGANNON
Published: January 25, 2005
....The authorities said they believe a homeless person trying to seek shelter from the subfreezing temperatures outside set fire to a cart full of wood and clothes, igniting cables above the platform and spreading to the equipment room.
The blaze, at the Chambers Street station used by the A and C lines, delivered the worst damage to subway infrastructure since the terrorist attack of Sept. 11, 2001. It gutted a small locked room that contained 600 relays, switches and circuits that transmit vital information about train locations...
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I say we get our revenge...
User Reviews
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2007-04-17 15:14:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't knoww hy I haven't read your stuff before, but this is awesome!
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-02-17 17:01:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2005-01-31 16:31:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-01-31 14:45:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh man, I fucking hate Boston so much.
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yeah, me too... and I live close to the place
Submitted by BrittInToledo (user info) at 2005-01-31 15:01:43 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-01-31 14:45:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh man, I fucking hate Boston so much.
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2005-01-29 04:42:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-01-29 04:28:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
'Helllllllllo,' the morloch breathed on me, a large overcoat probably hiding an extra arm or tail.
That made me go "ha, yes, ha ha ha... brilliant, snort"
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-01-27 08:22:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
meh.
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2005-01-26 22:45:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Dude, we're called "Bostonians," not Bostonites. Would be a +2, but it was a bit all over the place. Maybe next time, eh?
Submitted by Butler (user info) at 2005-01-26 20:37:55 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Um.............Yeah! I didn't understand one word you said throught that entire story. But heh, i'm from Cleveland. What the hell do I know?
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-01-26 19:57:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
More disjointed than usual. I don't know; it just didn't flow quite right for me.
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2005-01-26 18:35:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Go bums woo!
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-01-26 18:22:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A good read.
Submitted by EPatrick (user info) at 2005-01-26 17:30:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Lame.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-01-26 15:01:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Can't break a boy's streak....
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-01-26 14:42:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2005-01-26 14:26:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
But again, none of this is about that city. It's about me stumbling out of the Riviera screaming back over my shoulder about what a punk Boggs was and how Mattingly could have kicked his ass blindfolded.
Go 23.
PLUS TWO JUST FOR THIS!
I still love old Donny Baseball just as much as I did when he played for the yanks. the man personifies Baseball. Thank you, I thought everyone forgot about Mattingly. Greatest First Baseman Ever.
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Word. And you beat me to writing a post about the homeless-fire-train deal. Luckily it hasn't affected my ride on the 2/3 train's stop at Chambers.
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2005-01-26 14:28:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ooooooooOOOOOOOOoooooh
a streak. LET'S GO STREAKING!!!
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2005-01-26 14:26:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
But again, none of this is about that city. It's about me stumbling out of the Riviera screaming back over my shoulder about what a punk Boggs was and how Mattingly could have kicked his ass blindfolded.
Go 23.
PLUS TWO JUST FOR THIS!
I still love old Donny Baseball just as much as I did when he played for the yanks. the man personifies Baseball. Thank you, I thought everyone forgot about Mattingly. Greatest First Baseman Ever.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-01-26 13:47:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, this is just silly.
Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2005-01-26 13:36:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
All 'f yooz city folk 're queerer than a 3 eyed hoss.
YeeeHAWWWWW!!!
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-01-26 12:29:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-01-26 12:25:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bitch, please!
Why would our homeless go to New Yohk? Here they have Havid Yahd and a nice view of the
hahbah. Owah homeless are way bettah than yohs!
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-01-26 12:19:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HEHEHEHEHE Fuck Boston
come to think about it, Fuck New York too.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-01-26 11:32:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2005-01-26 11:31:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha.
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2005-01-26 11:26:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You have correctly honored Donald Arthur Mattingly.
+infinity.
Submitted by boomslang (user info) at 2005-01-26 11:23:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah you fuckin' New Yorkahs...I swear if I hear another New Yorker tell me about "how great the bagels are" in New York because of the the "wooder" (water) I'm going to kick their Jeter-loving ass.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-01-26 11:20:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-01-26 11:20:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ha, good show
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2005-01-26 11:19:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2005-01-26 11:18:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-01-26 11:15:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For the random dog in the picture.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-01-26 11:15:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good save
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-01-26 11:14:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're lucky the story was good because I didn't like the picture.
Life is full of twists like that.
Submitted by Allicat (user info) at 2005-01-26 11:10:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love your illustration references!
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-01-26 11:08:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that picture made me smile. i don't know why.