It's Like There's A Party In My Brain, And Every Nerve Impulse Is Cordially Invited (919 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.95 on 30 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by NerfHerder <NerfHerder.at.comic.com> (View user info) at 2005-01-26 11:45:11 EST
Most journeys start in the pit of someone's brain. A thought. A fear. A realization.
But not this one. For this journey, the pit of the brain is the ultimate destination.
--
The foot lunged forward; almost independent from the rest of the body it was connected to. This was a mistake. Brains should always keep track of what its limbs are doing so as not to make things more difficult for the both of them. Unfortunately, like a toddler in a supermarket, the foot got away from the rest of the body for just a second. And during this romp of freedom, the foot came in contact with the leg of the table.
And a nerve impulse was born.
"Yawn." I awoke for the first time. And then went back to sleep. Sleep was good. Waking up was bad.
"Chris! Get up! It's time to go to the brain!"
"Aww mom...do I have to?"
"Yes. Now get your ass out of bed and get up there. You're already late."
I glanced at my watch and realized that she was right. I rolled out of bed and dressed in my finest garb. Today was my big day, after all. The lives of nerve impulses are never very long, usually only a couple of seconds...but they're supposed to be the most bitchin' two seconds of any creature's life, according to Nerve Impulse Quarter-Secondly.
With that, one would think that I would be zesty and ready to fulfill my purpose, right? Pff. I'm no different from any other organism. I know that as soon as I fulfill my purpose in life, everything is over. Even if I linger around the brain for a second or two extra, my life will end as soon as I deliver my message to the brain.
You're the same way.
Are you keen on the years AFTER you retire? The years in which you'll be a crotchety old man, that nobody cares about or remembers, no matter how much you did during your life?
Of course not.
I exited my house and thanked God that we were right on the neuron. I didn't feel like making a hike. I stumbled over to the neuron, tying my shoes along the way and straightening my little hat. I wanted to be ready for this ride before it began. I've heard that it can get quite bumpy around the synapses.
I jutted my foot out onto the neuron, and immediately felt it attempt to drag me onto it and pull me forward. I pulled back and brought my fingernails to my face and started to nibble. I looked back at my mother for encouragement, and only saw her standing in the window with a handkerchief in her hand. She was crying almost as much as I was.
I couldn't stand to look at her any more. Any emotion would be better than this. I once again jutted my foot out and felt the neuron try to take hold of me. This time I let it, shifting my body weight onto the wild ride.
I shot forward, on the craziest (and only) ride of my life. Unlike roller coasters that I had heard of, there was no "first hill" to prepare you for the thrill of the first downhill. There was no gentle "click click click" every half a second to remind you that somebody else had you...you were safe.
Not here.
Here, you had to hold on to your own bowels. There was no "click click click" or even any safety harnesses. If I wasn't careful, I'd drop of the side of the neuron and land in an armpit or the scrotum.
Then I saw it up ahead of me. My eyes focused on it from far away. I hoped and prayed that I had not come to one already. I thought I'd have more time. I thought that I would've at least been under control when I came to one, feeling the neuron slow down or something. But no retard occurred. I sped right at the neuron, covering my face as I went through it.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaah!" I screamed, thinking that it would be the last sound that I ever made.
Luckily, this was not so. I'd be around for seconds more...and available to make any number of sounds I wanted to for the rest of my short life.
I passed through a few more synopses, each one easier than the last. Near the end, they almost seemed enjoyable. The "Aaaaaaaaaahs" of terror were replaced "Aaaaaaaaahs" of glee.
Then I came to it. I had heard legends of it. I had read books on the matter. But even they could not prepare me for...the brain. It was a tangle of nerves all balled up and firing at once. There was lightning all over the surface of the brain, and inside of it as well.
Upon approaching the brain, I was met by a Glial Cell, the guardians of the brain.
"Halt," he said. "Who goes there?"
"Uh...hi. Just a nerve impulse."
"What is your destination?"
"Well...considering you're guarding the brain, shouldn't that be obvious?"
The Glial Cells stood silent and motionless.
"I'm going to the brain, you idiots," I said in a condescending tone. And yet, I envied them because they got to live for eons longer that I.
"What is your purpose?" asked the other guard, believing that he was actually making a difference.
"Look. I'm already late. This guy stubbed his toe like a millennia ago, and I'm supposed to tell him that it hurt, alright? Now lemme through."
"You may proceed," said the Gials in perfect unison.
I floated through the brain and decided to give myself a little tour before business began. The brain really was an amazing place. I saw cells roaming the halls of the brain everywhere, each of them carrying volumes of books and teeming with information. There were cells here and there that were hitting on each other, and others that seemed only to be craving food. Oh, to be a brain cell. To live day after day storing knowledge and wit and charm and lust! If only I were not born an impulse. An impulse can only cause memories, they cannot host them.
I lowered my head and wandered around for a few seconds more. Out of the blue, I got a feeling of nobility and virtue.
It was my job to make this man feel pain. Thousands had done it before me, and if I did not do my job now, then what of the future? This man would think that he feels no pain, and would trigger some other nerve impulse that would be a stuck up prude and give the guy extra pain. Nobody wanted that.
"Which way to the Thalamus?" I shouted, proud of asking for directions to my doom.
A few brain cells with glasses gave me furtive glances and pointed over towards a large mass that looked like a sorting station.
I approached it and announced.
"I am a nerve impulse for pain! It is my solemn duty to inform you, thalamus, that pain should be delivered to the right foot by way of the spinal cord. It would've been a shorter trip if I had just gone there directly, but so the system goes. Take me now. Take me now and pain this man. Teach him that one cannot stub his toe without repercussion."
I felt myself being sucked into the thalamus.
"Yes! Yes!" I shouted, prompting all of the brain cells to turn and look.
"Aw fuck," one of them said. "Boss ain't gonna like this."
I damned them internally, knowing that this was my purpose. I was ready for this. I just hoped that my host was.
A low rumble erupted as I was stationed inside of the thalamus, accompanied by a loud booming voice from outside of the body.
"Oowwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!"
A job well done.
User Reviews
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2006-05-26 03:09:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How the fuck did I miss this.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-05-26 02:57:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-01-27 08:30:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
truly awesome. nice writing.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-01-26 22:07:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe, that just sounds like a plastic vagina manufacturing plant. That's horrid.
Vagina boudoir. Now THAT'S a classy name.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-01-26 20:58:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There is a vadge among the penis room....
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-01-26 20:48:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Penis Room?
That is SO fucking unfair. If LP can pretend to be naive, I can damned sure pretend to have a penis.
Nah, fuck it. I don't wanna join your silly club for boys.
And thus was born the Snatch Factory.
Truly awesome post, by the way.
Submitted by Phyllis (user info) at 2005-01-26 20:37:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2005-01-26 20:17:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Whatever helps you stay in character for MINUTES at a time.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-01-26 20:10:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Do I have to be naive, or can I just pretend?
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2005-01-26 20:04:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
As long as you're my naive student that is willing to do ANYTHING for an A.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-01-26 19:53:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Be my biology teacher.
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2005-01-26 18:44:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That was both original and enjoyable to read.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-01-26 18:07:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Always fun to read your stuff man.
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2005-01-26 14:28:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your points of view never cease to amaze me. Great stuff.
Submitted by dirtleg (user info) at 2005-01-26 14:13:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fun read. keep it up.
Submitted by bossk (user info) at 2005-01-26 13:37:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great Story. Reminds me of how I got an A in Biology by writing a Harry Potter story in which he is ingested and travels through the digestive juices, through the colon, and is shit out the other end. Now I can't post it. Damn.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-01-26 13:18:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Definitely Penis Room worthy
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-01-26 13:05:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This must be where the good writers and clever story tellers hang out.
Can I come in for a minute?
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-01-26 12:57:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I submit this is B@W worthy. You may be next in line for the penis room, my friend.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2005-01-26 12:52:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Well played, Ash...well played.
And CBG, what the ass is the Penis Room?
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-01-26 12:33:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I had read books on the matter. But even they could not prepare me for...the brain.
books on the brain matter?
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-01-26 12:32:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love lamp.
(always an appropriate response)
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2005-01-26 12:21:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
consider yourself blessed my friend. You have been plus two'ed by four members of the coveted Penis Room
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-01-26 12:21:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You have an excellent imagination!
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-01-26 12:20:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
interesting...
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-01-26 12:17:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I really really liked this.
Well done.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-01-26 12:16:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, I hate it when that happens.
Submitted by Atomiknight (user info) at 2005-01-26 12:12:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Charlton Heston: Oh, you go to parties?
Space Ghost: In my head.
Charlton Heston: Yeah, I sense there's a hidden identity there.
Space Ghost: There's a party all the time there. Sometimes the neighbors up there complain, so I try to turn down the music. Only I can't. Because there are no knobs there.
Charlton Heston: No, no, I understand, I'm, that's, that's fine. That.. let's let it pass.
Space Ghost: What's wrong? What's that? We're out of punch? I'll be right back.
Moltar: Uh, who're you talkin' to?
Space Ghost: I'm back. It turns out I have an unlimited supply of punch.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2005-01-26 12:04:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
look at you and your cute little imagination!
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-01-26 12:03:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Uh....yeah. Hope your two seconds kicked ass while it lasted.