The Ant - CHAPTER 15 – Come On Over Baby, Whole Lotta' Shakin' Goin' On (647 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: The_Ant
Rating: 2 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jack McCallum (View user info) at 2005-01-26 13:19:33 EST
(Chapter 1 http://www.ubersite.com/m/56777)
(Chapter 2 http://www.ubersite.com/m/56855)
(Chapters 3-5 http://www.ubersite.com/m/56884)
(Chapter 6 http://www.ubersite.com/m/56930)
(Chapter 7 http://www.ubersite.com/m/57042)
(Chapter 8 http://www.ubersite.com/m/57139)
(Chapter 9 http://www.ubersite.com/m/57238)
(Chapter 10 http://www.ubersite.com/m/57350)
(Chapter 11 http://www.ubersite.com/m/57411)
(Chapter 12 http://www.ubersite.com/m/57474)
(Chapter 13 http://www.ubersite.com/m/57561)
(Chapter 14 http://www.ubersite.com/m/57676)
The Ant - CHAPTER 15 -
Come On Over Baby, Whole Lotta' Shakin' Goin' On
Rob was bouncing across the city on his Überboots, as conspicuous as hell, glad for the concealing helmet he wore. Schroedecker was back home where it was safe, but his heavily accented voice was babbling in Rob's ears.
Schroedecker was giving Rob a play-by-play of what he was seeing on TV- although he'd soon see a lot more, through the video camera built into the helmet.
The display screen within the helmet gave Rob a selection of TV channels to choose from, and he was following the situation even as he approached it. A group of cops tried to rush the bridge from the San Francisco side and got their asses wiped. Shit and piss hit them, one of their squad cars was cut in half by a laser beam, and they were knocked around pretty bad.
No assault could be made from the Marin side, and a barrier of incredibly strong, thin metal mesh had been erected there, and one cop on that side discovered that it was electrified when he was blasted out of his shoes after trying to cut the mesh with a pair of bolt cutters.
As Rob came closer to the bridge he saw the police barricades.
For a moment, all the cops simply stared, their heads rocking up and down, as Rob bounded by them, bouncing around like an insane kangaroo while covering a hundred feet at a stride.
A cop pointed a handgun at Rob as he passed overhead, and his partner told him to hold off. "Whaddya doin'?"
"How do you know that's one of the bad guys?"
"Look at 'im!"
"I didn't say he wasn't fucking weird, I asked how you know he isn't on our side."
By the time the first cop had mulled this over, Rob had already leaped over the barricades and began striding along the bridge. Cops, crowds of people, and television audiences were now watching him. He felt like a dick.
Shitman and El Hombre were the first to meet him.
They stopped and stared at each other.
"You better fuck off now, guy," El Hombre said.
"I want to talk to Pfaltzer," Rob said.
"Who the fuck are you?" Shitman asked.
"I'm... uh... I'm The Ant."
Shitman looked alarmed. "Holy Christ. It's him. It's number thirteen. Fuck, where'd you get the duds, thirteen? Pretty slick. Pfaltzer will be glad to see you."
"No, he won't," Rob said. He saw two others running towards him through the traffic now, a Latina who would be quite pretty if she wasn't so whorishly done up, and a guy wearing sneakers, a tight T-shirt, and spandex pants. Rob hoped it was a mutated third leg he saw filling up the spandex crotch.
"Pfaltzer's going to be disappointed. I'm here to stop him. I'm here to stop all of you. You're breaking the law and hurting people. It ends now." He had hoped his voice wouldn't tremble when he said all that tough guy shit, and he was pretty sure it hadn't.
"Good, Robert," the doctor whispered in his ear. A muted cheer went up far behind him, beyond the police barricades. Rob looked up and saw the news helicopter. They were taping everything, and a long microphone with a dish on the end of it was directed down at them.
Jesus, he thought, now they can see and hear everything. Hope I don't make an ass of myself. I don't want a fight, just a chance to talk these idiots out of this.
"Pfaltzer wants us to stop screwing around," the guy with the big dick said. "He wants the other barricade set up and powered up. And he wants this asshole dead." He pointed at Rob and smiled.
"No problem," said El Hombre.
Rob began to get the idea that talking might be out of the question.
Dick Large and Senorita X stepped past him and went to set up the barricade. El Hombre spread his arms like he was gonna fly. Shitman ran back a few paces and stopped to watch.
The skinny guy in the black trunks was like Reed Richards from the Fantastic Four. He stretched his arms out, and they were suddenly long thin ropes, wrapping themselves around him. Rob tried to struggle free, but the guy's arms just stretched a little, not giving way. Shitman laughed and slapped his thigh.
A weird hovering van approached and settled on the bridge.
Pfaltzer stepped out, wearing one of his white lab coats. He was followed by a young guy with a grotesquely swollen head. Pfaltzer looked a little fucked-up. He had a terrible scar on his forehead, and the eye below it had been replaced with a glossy ball of black glass. They opened the double doors at the back and took out a big cylinder of plexiglass with some kind of a motor on top.
"Hello, number thirteen," Pfaltzer said with a little wave.
"You've got to stop this," Rob said. "You've got to start hurting people."
Pfaltzer's freaks chuckled and guffawed. "I'm afraid I cannot stop my charges from having their fun. And there is obviously no one who will stop us. Not even you."
A tiny flame of anger flared up and began to burn deep in Rob's mind. He tried to shake it off, but it was like a match set to dry brush. Visions of the mighty ass-kicking he could give these freaks danced through his head.
"We shall have to freeze you, number thirteen," Pfaltzer said with a smile of forgiveness. "You must be removed from our path, from our trek down the road to -I hope it does not sound too, what is the English word, corny- down the road to world domination. Make no mistake, number thirteen. We can do this, and no puny human can stop me, or my children."
Rob felt a pulse beating in his throat, in his chest. He wanted to kick Pfaltzer so hard the old man coughed up his nuts.
Across the city, Schroedecker sat in his laboratory studying the signals coming in from the monitors in Rob's suit. He was alarmed. "Calm, Robert," he said into the microphone. "Be calm, please. Do not let him goad you."
Rob shook his head. "On behalf of all the puny humans, I have to say you are making a mistake, and if you persist, I will stop you."
"Try it," Pfaltzer said with a smile, "and we will crush you... like an ant."
Rob was getting enraged. He wondered briefly if it was his proximity to the other mutants. The last time he encountered them, he had wanted to kill them all, even though he had tried to deny that to himself later. Now it was happening again. Maybe they all set each other off, and alone, they would not do Pfaltzer's crazed bidding.
"Last warning," Rob said, still held fast in El Hombre's grip. His eyesight was tinged red, and he figured that was probably were the old saying came from.
"Calm, Robert," Schroedecker whispered.
With an eyeblink Rob keyed his microphone. "Don't worry so much doc," he whispered. To Pfalzter he said, "What are you going to do with me?"
"Why, I'm going to freeze you solid, in a flash," Pfaltzer replied gleefully. "I must know why you are not like the others. What made you into you. It will not hurt. In fact this special cryogenics unit will keep you alive and aware and immobile for some years to come... while I take you apart a little piece at a time, take what I need when I need it."
Braino, using a little remote control, brought the freezertube forward. It was hovering just like the sleek van, and the bottom was hinged and open. It was filling up with white mist, and the insides of the plastic shell sprouted clear flowers of frost.
Shitman shifted uneasily. "Should we call I Boy or PMS Girl over in case-"
"Certainly not!" Pfaltzer snapped. "This is as good as done."
"This was too fucking easy," Shitman said.
The freezertube was raised over Rob's head, and then it began to descend.
At home, Schroedecker's attention was torn between the view from Rob's minicam and the coverage on Channel 4.
"This situation is getting more and more bizarre by the minute," anchorman Pete Wilson said.
He was in one of the many helicopters hovering over the Golden Gate.
"First, the bridge was taken over, held hostage, along with everyone on it, by this group of strange individuals who defied every attempt to stop them, and then yet another costumed character appeared on this unusual stage, but the newcomer appears to be trying to reason with them, and now it seems as if they consider him a foe. Does that mean he is on our side, or does he have his own interests in this fascinating drama? We hope we'll have some answers when we return from this brief message from our sponsors."
On the bridge, Rob moved forward onto the tips of his toes, a movement unnoticed by anyone. He began drumming his heels on the surface of the bridge with increasing speed and force.
Braino noticed it first. He had to keep correcting the freezertube. It wouldn't stay centered over this clown calling himself The Ant. "Hey," he said, in a high nasal voice, "What's causing that tremor? Are we having an earth-"
"QUAKE!" Shitman cried, venting a plume of crud behind him. He turned to run and was bowled over as the shaking increased.
The bridge began to rock and sway. Cars, trucks, bridge structures- all began to rattle and boom, creating a hellish and confusing noise.
"Freeze him!" Pfaltzer cried. "Now!"
Braino staggered as he hit a button on the remote, and the freezertube dropped onto El Hombre's head.
El Hombre screamed as a blinding blast of liquid nitrogen covered his head and shoulders. He released his hold on Rob, his still elongated arms and fingers flailing about like whips.
Braino used the remote to raise the freezertube and stared in shock at his handywork.
Rob chuckled. Some restrictive impulse in him had vanished. He reached out and flicked a finger against El Hombre's chin, and the elastic man's head shattered, hot blood and flakes of frost bursting up from his torso and out of his ruined neck.
Something hit Rob from behind and knocked him to his knees. A streamer of piss. The quaking subsided a bit, but the bridge was still shaking and swaying. As he looked over his shoulder and saw Richard Large running towards him, cock in hand, he began to wonder if he had started something with the bridge that wouldn't stop until it shook itself to pieces.
A thick and tarry shitball hit him in the face as he stood up, and for the first time he was really glad he was wearing the helmet. The air purifiers removed most, but not all of the wretched stink, and when Richard Large let fly with another burst of piss Rob spun around and faced it head-on, letting it wash away the sticky crap.
As Rob faced Shitman again, two more of the tarry shitballs blasted out of Shitman's asshole from a distance of only a few yards. They hit Rob's feet, and suddenly he was glued to the bridge. When he bent over to pull his feet free, Richard Large, bearing an erection like a harpoon, threw himself at Rob.
"This is it!" Large announced, "Its gonna go up your ass and come out the top of your fucking head!
Rob was stuck good, and Shitman, bent over, was getting ready to fire another tarball. Then Rob flattened himself on the ground.
"No!" Pfaltzer bellowed, "It's the oldest trick in the-"
He was cut off by Shitman, who screamed when Richard Large impaled him, and the scream itself was cut off when Large's organ burst through the top of Shitman's skull like a launching rocket.
Shitman's dead body began releasing a huge amount of methane in a number of clear jets.
"Jesus, he's farting!" Large cried, trying to pry Shitman's corpse off of his dick. "Agh! What a fucking stink!"
Rob pulled his Zippo out of his glove and flicked it, waving the flaming lighter in the air before him. One of the methane jets ignited, flames racing through the air towards Shitman's venting carcass, and Richard Large turned into a big squawking candle.
Rob finally wrenched his boots free and then drop-kicked the burning, entwined figures over the edge of the bridge.
"God damn it, GOD DAMMIT!" Pfaltzer was enraged. He pulled a little two-way radio out of his coat pocket and whispered into it.
The slutty Mexican girl stepped in front of Rob. She looked at him and smiled and he was suddenly so horny he couldn't move. Over her shoulder he saw Braino standing nearby. He was getting a message from that gigantic mind as well. The mental messages mixed, became one. Raise your hand, the message said. Grab your throat. It will feel good. Just squeeze and squeeze as long as you can and crush and tear, and it will feel good...
Rob was squeezing his own throat, not feeling the pain, on the verge of snapping his own neck like a twig when Schroedecker's voice cut through the mental fog. "Robert! Resist them!"
With the last bit of resistance he had, Rob reached out, grabbed Senorita X by one shoulder and spun her about to face Braino. She immediately began choking the hell out of herself, and Braino started getting a hard-on. She collapsed, and Braino, his massive brain now lacking a few precious ounces of blood, grew faint, swooned, and fell to his knees.
Suddenly bullets tore bloody chunks out of the bodies in front of him and Rob leaped back, not seeing Pfalzter dive into the aircar.
After receiving a command to shoot The Ant, Flying Dude, peering through the telescopic sight of the rifle he was carrying, began strafing the shit out of everything in sight.
"Fucking A!" he hollered, unaware that he had just blasted the living shit out of two of his own people, gleefully taking pot-shots at the cars and at the fucking dork who called himself... Wait a minute, he thought, where'd the fucker go? He looked straight ahead and nearly shit a brick.
The Ant was hanging from one of the bridge columns, tearing loose a length of cable the thickness of a telephone pole, and flicking the cable like a whip.
Flying Dude was hit by the end of the cable. His body exploded into gobbets of flesh, only half of which reached the waters of the bay. There were a lot of hungry seagulls hovering around.
Rob leaped down onto the bridge. Its swaying had slowed considerably, but he had really fucked it up. He was looking for Pfaltzer's aircar when he was suddenly enveloped in a sphere of darkness. He couldn't see a thing. Even the night-vision function of his helmet was useless.
As Pfaltzer sped away from the Golden Gate, he was confident that Blackout, Invulnerable Boy, and PMS Girl would finish The Ant. Meanwhile, he had a little visit to pay to The Ant's loved ones. For insurance.
Rob suddenly felt a pair of strong hands, as strong as his own, pin his arms behind his back. Then the darkness dissipated, and he saw the young black guy from the orientation session, the one who looked like he was carved from mahogany, standing before him, wearing a white bodysuit with the name Blackout written across it.
Soaring across the night sky was the guy with the tattoos and the nicotine-stained hair. He was wearing a rocket pack that put forth a tremendous jet of flame which did not harm his invulnerable flesh, and carrying a bizarre rifle.
Rob looked over his shoulder and saw a trashy young woman holding on to him. She tore off his helmet and dropped it. "Hey sweetcakes," she said with a wink, chewing gum and snapping it loudly, "I'm PMS Girl, and it's that time of the month. And that means you are toast."
A line of light appeared on the bridge surface. It was slicing through metal and concrete. It was a laser, being fired from the rifle I Boy was carrying.
As the flying man drew closer, the line of searing light moved towards Rob.
PMS Girl suddenly knocked him to the ground, and planted a booted foot on his back, holding him in place. In another moment, his head was going to be in the path of that beam.
Blackout was staring at the guy under PMSG's foot. It was the guy from the orientation session, the only guy who hadn't jeered at him when he'd asked Pfaltzer all those questions about the safety of the experimental drug. Everyone had laughed at him... except for this skinny white guy. So if The Ant was okay, why was he helping Pfaltzer to kill the guy? In fact, why was he so angry, so willing to destroy things and hurt people?
The laser beam was sweeping closer. Rob could hear metal flash and sputter as it burned on contact.
"Not right," Blackout said, holding his head in his hands. "It isn't right."
He was struggling with the same feelings of rage and confusion which had plagued Rob earlier. The laser beam was very close. He had to stop it. Do something. He did. Without thinking, he used the only power he had, the power to absorb light. He wanted to direct it away from Rob, and only as the laser beam bent towards him did he realize what he had done.
Rob saw the laser beam actually bending away from him, and then it sliced the young black guy clean in half. Invulnerable Boy swept by a few feet off the ground, and as Rob rolled clear of the flames from the rocket pack, covering his face, PMS Girl was swept up into the night.
Rob grabbed his helmet and slipped it on. Pfaltzer was gone. The two remaining Apostles of Doom were gone. There was one fuck of a mess on the bridge.
Rob didn't want to stick around and explain things. He leaped off the bridge and disappeared into the night.
[This series will conclude tomorrow at this time.]
User Reviews
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-08-03 11:42:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Supreme Overlord damage control...
Submitted by Supreme_Overlord (user info) at 2005-07-21 22:22:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
shite
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-02-08 13:54:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this has to be the best uber series ever
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-01-27 08:54:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice.
Submitted by horse87 (user info) at 2005-01-26 19:42:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent....as usual....
BTW, most recently, Robert Culp was the voice of Dr. Wallace Breen in 'Half Life 2' and he's going to be playing 'Grandpa' in a soon to be released B movie called 'Santa's Slay'.
What's it all about?
According to a Hollywood website: "Santa Claus is actually a demon who lost a bet with an Angel, so he becomes the giver of toys and happiness. But once the bet is off, he returns to his evil ways."
Sounds like a hoot.
Also sounds like a McCallum story, as well....
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-01-26 18:27:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-01-26 18:18:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh. Cool.
This is really good light entertainment. Kind of like The Greatest American Hero, but with more body fluids.
--
Man, Robert Culp was AWESOME on that show.
Why the hell he isn't on TV now is a mystery.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-01-26 18:18:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh. Cool.
This is really good light entertainment. Kind of like The Greatest American Hero, but with more body fluids.
Believe it or not, I'm walking on air
Never thought I could feel so free-hee-heeeee
Flying away, on a wing and a prayer
Who could it beeeeeee?
Believe it or not, it's just meeeee
Holy crap I can't believe I just recited that from the top of my head. I rule.
Submitted by Mister_Fahrenheit (user info) at 2005-01-26 17:58:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-01-26 17:51:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, this one was written, good God, maybe ten years ago. Ressurected for your enjoyment. The sequel, which is L O N G, was written in late '02, early '03.
Any fans of the French Revolution out there? It figures prominently in the sequel.
If I do post it, I expect laughter at my attempts at the French language...
Submitted by tlozoot (user info) at 2005-01-26 17:10:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You definitely need to post the sequel.
Did you write this a while ago? I thought you did, or at least that was my impression from the first one for some reason.
Submitted by Remission (user info) at 2005-01-26 16:54:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh I love this series... Sad that it is coming to an end.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-01-26 16:41:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, in case you decide NOT to post the sequel, my email is
alkite at gmail.com
No, I am not kidding.
Don't make me hunt you down!
Submitted by Adjomak (user info) at 2005-01-26 16:15:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No!!! Don't let it end. More, More
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-01-26 16:06:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is great stuff, man, great stuff!
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-01-26 15:01:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-01-26 14:45:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
This series really deserves more attention than it gets.
--
Excuse my ego, but I feel the same way.
If I ever post the sequel I hope it gets more readers, because a HELL of a lot of research went into it... and it is a bit more serious in tone, less of a gross-out. Having said that, you'd have to read this stuff first to know what was going on...
Oh, and the sequel is 3X ths length of The Ant... so if you guys want lots to read, let me know.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-01-26 14:57:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-01-26 14:45:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
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This series really deserves more attention than it gets. thanks for writing!
----
Amen!!
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-01-26 14:45:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-01-26 14:06:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know whether to cheer, because this is wonderful or boo because you are ending it.
I'm so conflicted, damnit!
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This series really deserves more attention than it gets. thanks for writing!
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-01-26 14:26:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I missed acouple, I gotta go back an read'em... I'm enjoying it as always
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-01-26 14:13:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Have faith, baby.
I believe it that greatest of American traditions...
The Sequel.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-01-26 14:06:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know whether to cheer, because this is wonderful or boo because you are ending it.
I'm so conflicted, damnit!