Warning! Exploding Underpants (read in well ventilated area) (1306 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 2 on 34 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Saxon (View user info) at 2005-01-26 21:18:39 EST
I was too young to know anything about constipation and laxatives, hell they just looked like a small chocolate bar my grandmother kept in the fridge. She bought everything by the box as she said it was cheaper to buy in bulk and this included her favourite laxative. I didn't know this at the time but old age lumbered her with a constipation problem. I guess its something you don't go around telling all and sundry.
Now and then I would sneak a square from a bar in the fridge. It tasted like chocolate and because I only ate small amounts nothing ever happened to me so my 10-year-old brain surmised it was a special chocolate my grandmother kept. Why she never offered any to me didn't occur to me as every time we visited she would offer out cake and sweets by the truckload but never her special chocolate she kept hidden in the dairy section of her fridge.
My mother couldn't pick us kids up from school one day so we caught the bus to my grandmothers house where she would collect us from later. This happened now and then when she had something happening that unavoidably kept her from picking us up. We didn't mind, gran always made sure we had something good to eat and she was a lot of fun. Poor old grans memory was getting worse as well so getting away with stuff at her house was easy.
I went to the fridge to get a drink and sure enough there where a few bars of her special chocolate hidden in the dairy cooler. I grabbed two whole bars and slipped them into my school bag thinking it might be nice to share some with my friends at school. Gran would only think she ate them and put some more back in the fridge I was sure.
There was a girl in my class I liked; Sheri was a pretty little blond girl who spoke with a lisp. Even today in adulthood girls with lisps turn me on but I was very attracted to her even though my 10-year-old brain couldn't work out why. Girls where mostly a pain in the ass and couldn't throw a ball or fart like boys but my heart always skipped a beat when Sheri came near me or said hello.
So the very next day at school I thought Sheri might like to share my chocolate, I would surprise her at lunchtime. We sat at tables close by the other at lunch and I watched her eat as she laughed and giggled with her friends. I waited till she had finished eating and she sat with only one of her friends talking before moving over to sit at their table.
"Hi Sherri, Hi Linda" I said as I sat at their table, "Hi Saxon" they both responded with. "I bought some chocolate to school Sheri," I said trying not to stammer, " I thought you might like some", "Oh that's so sweet" she said smiling at me. Pulling the bars from my bag I said "You can have a little too Linda". Both bars where snatched from me as I produced them to proudly display them to the girls.
"Saxon has a girlfriend, Saxon has a girlfriend" The school bullies Sam Richards and Tom Bailey sang in unison as they ran around the table I sat at with the girls, waiving my chocolate bars. "Give them back," I said in the toughest voice I could muster. "What are you gunna do about if I don't?" Sam Richards taunted me with.
I had never really had a problem with either of these guys before, more then ruffling my hair and I was sure I could take either one of them out but I had seen them beat a guy up together so I decided to tread carefully, especially in front of Sheri. "There not yours" I said as he stood in front of me unwrapping the chocolate bar.
Stuffing half the bar in his mouth he said, "So what, you wont mind" Tom Bailey unwrapped the one he had and started stuffing it in his mouth laughing.
"You boys are disgusting" Sheri said with an obvious look of contempt on her face. "Don't worry Saxon" she went on with sensing my anger.
I stood, my blood boiling and before I could get a word out Sheri grabbed my hand and said "come on I don't want to be in the presence of pigs". Sheri's hand in mine was somehow soothing and a calm came over me while I watched the school bullies devour and finish the chocolate bars I so wanted to share with Sheri.
I spent the rest of the lunch break chatting with Sheri but inside I fumed thinking of ways to get back at the bullies. Walking into class I passed between Sam Richards and Tom Bailey's desks and glared at them both, one in turn. They only returned my glares with smirks and giggles so I went and sat at my desk two rows behind them burning up inside.
Fifteen minutes later the soft noise of writing and paper shuffling was broken by "What's that horrible smell?" All eyes turned to Cindy Barnes who sat directly behind Sam Richards.
"Miss Clavelle" Cindy said with her hand in the air "I think Sam is passing wind on purpose and its disgusting".
"Sam Richards" Miss Clavelle said getting to her feet. "I'm sorry miss" Sam said, "I can't help it my tummy hurts bad". He then stood and as he did so a long and disturbingly dribbly sounding fart echoed from his pants, his hand went to his backside and he groaned loudly.
"Ohhhhhhhhh gross" it seemed the entire class said as one, Sam stood there one hand on his tummy and the other holding his ass when Tom Bailey stood and said, "Excuse me miss, I don't feel too well either and ive had an accident". Laughter erupted when it was noticed a sloppy brown slime was running down the back of Toms legs and the rear of his shorts were soaking wet.
The smell of human feaces permeated the entire classroom as the rest of the students stood and jostled to get to the rear of the room to escape the horrible smell. Miss Clavelle moved up the side of the room opening any unopened windows as she went. She moved toward Tom Bailey who was bent over his desk moaning, a loud and obviously very wet fart ripped from his shorts starting a fresh stream of brown muddy looking fluid to run down his legs.
"Good Lord" Miss Clavelle screamed, "Run to the toilets for gods sake" she said covering her nose with her hand. Tom stood crying loudly and moved toward the door holding the back of his pants. Sam Richards frantically looked around the room and took a step toward the door. As soon as his legs parted to step he farted loudly and like Tom the backs of his legs ran with diarrhoea.
The entire class erupted with laughter as every step Tom took toward the door bought on a fresh fart and so he headed toward the door farting with every step. You could follow his movement toward the toilet block listening to him fart with every step he made.
A few weeks later I asked my grandmother about her special chocolate, she explained to me all about constipation and laxatives, as it turned out an adult only needs to eat one or two squares of the chocolate laxative to loosen their bowels.
I got one of the bars out of the fridge and counted the squares on a block, 32 squares to a block I counted laughing hysterically to myself.
User Reviews
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2007-01-22 13:29:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by kaioken (user info) at 2007-01-22 13:14:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2007-01-22 12:55:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hope that's a true story. Poetic justice at its best.
Submitted by VelvetElvis (user info) at 2006-09-15 21:21:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Welcome back, you extraordinarily adept embellisher. (You don't recognizd me under this name, but in a sense we all use alters, this time, for me, had no choice. Will all make sense in time.) What if you're not embellishing! That kicks!
Submitted by FlakMonkey (user info) at 2006-09-15 21:06:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that was highly amusing
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-09-15 20:54:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed my ass off.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-10-04 02:52:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG SAXON!
Submitted by MisterOCD (user info) at 2005-03-07 05:48:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-02-16 15:24:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed so hard I almost farted
Submitted by consuelo212 (user info) at 2005-02-15 17:53:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
by far the funniest god damn thing ive ever read!
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-02-04 09:20:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome!!! Love it.
My sister ate an entire box of chocolate laxatives once. Fun times in my house.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-01-27 11:09:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well done.
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2005-01-27 10:46:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hilarious!
Submitted by rurumon (user info) at 2005-01-27 09:15:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wonderful. did you hit it?
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-01-27 08:13:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
PWN3D
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-01-27 03:45:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff Saxon.
As usual.
-Dave
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-01-27 01:37:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked the fluidity of this.
You think they would make that stuff in the form of a turd or something so you could at least distinguish the stuff between a candy bar.
Submitted by PWNstar (user info) at 2005-01-27 00:21:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
isnt great how the bullies had their shit ruined (hahahaha)
seriously, if they didnt move towns, they went from the top of the food chain to the bottom probably for the rest of their days.
Submitted by Joemama (user info) at 2005-01-26 23:01:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very nice.....thank you!
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-01-26 22:36:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
utterly hilarious
Submitted by transhuman (user info) at 2005-01-26 22:36:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Smells like victory!
Submitted by Grin (user info) at 2005-01-26 22:23:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh God. I can't breathe! Laughing so hard!
Submitted by Jarvis (user info) at 2005-01-26 22:15:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This reminds me of CKY when Raab Himself eats 18 laxatives thoguh the box says to only eat 2. He then runs down the street wearing only a jockstrap and shits every where. Classic.
Submitted by stardamage (user info) at 2005-01-26 22:04:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my.
That's the kind of story you hear and then wrinkle up your nose and laugh.
Well, that's what it made me do.
Submitted by ILL34GL3 (user info) at 2005-01-26 21:56:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahh the sweet smell of revenge. Wait, no that's not right.
Submitted by TheMidnight12AM (user info) at 2005-01-26 21:54:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Bwahahaha fart jokes.
Submitted by Benny (user info) at 2005-01-26 21:47:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The sheer imagery is amazing.
I'm sure people at my work were giving me strange looks as I read this.
Where abouts in Australia do you live? Is it Brisbane?
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-01-26 21:46:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHAAA as I read this, my dog propelled himself across the room with a jet-stream of farts... lent an ambience to the story that I wasn't expecting.
Submitted by Kazzerax (user info) at 2005-01-26 21:39:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good, but spell check next time.
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2005-01-26 21:39:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Robocop would approve.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-01-26 21:39:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are my Hero.
Submitted by Chronicles_of_College_Guy (user info) at 2005-01-26 21:32:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-01-26 21:27:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious, as always.
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2005-01-26 21:23:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome. Rock on with your bad self.