The Red Baron just ruined my shit (448 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.81 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by VodkaFace (View user info) at 2005-01-27 08:35:00 EST
I'm sitting here, typing this with my left hand, not because I'm horny, or because typing with my left hand is in any way impressive, but because my right hand currently looks like a huge Q-tip.
Why does my dominant hand look like a giant Q-tip? Because I am a stupid moron. I am a stupid moron because I like pizza bread. I was feeling a might peckish and so went to my freezer. "Aha!" I exclaimed to myself, "Red Baron pizza breads! How wonderful and tasty!" I opened the package containing two pizza bread halves and stuck the first one in the microwave, thinking with mouth watering anticipation how much I missed the pizza breads in high school. I never bothered to look at the list of ingredients, if I had, napalm would have undoubtedly been in there somewhere.
The microwave beeped ominously, although I was so preoccupied with the prospect of tasty, piping hot pepperoni pizza bread that I didn't notice at the time that all of Earth and nature was trying to warn me of my impending doom.
Now, I don't consider myself to be a ballerina, but nonetheless, I'm not a total retard either. I opened the microwave door, inhaling the wonderful aroma of the pizza, and a small frightened animal in the back of my brain noted the sauce and cheese on top were *boiling*. I grabbed the cooking tray by the edges and went to put the pizza bread on top of the Red Baron pizza box, all the while drooling like one of Pavlov's dogs. This is where things went totally, completely wrong. As I went to set the tray down, one of my fingers slipped, sending the pizza bread tumbling to the dirty, disease ridden kitchen floor. The pizza, apparently thinking it was a slice of buttered toast, turned upside down as it fell. I would like to say that some part of my brain protested, telling me that trying to catch a flaming hot pizza bread was about as smart as Michael Jackson opening a daycare center. Alas, the only thing that went through my mind at that particular moment was "SAVE THE PIZZA!!" My catlike reflexes, sharp as ever, served not to help me, but to plunge me into a world of pain and misery. I jabbed my hand out and caught the pizza bread. It landed neatly, upside down on the thumb side of my hand.
Oh dear God it hurt.
The sauce and cheese topping spread over my hand like so much hot lava and I screamed like a little girl. Instinct took over and I whipped my hand madly in all directions, trying to shake the demonic pizza sauce free of my tender flesh to no avail. I discovered the cardinal difference between scalding water and scalding pizza sauce: water burns you and promptly rolls off your skin, letting the healing start whereas pizza sauce clings like Saran Wrap that has caught fire, setting the damage far into your tender flesh. As I jumped around, swinging my right aarm wildly, getting pizza sauce on everything, I cursed like I had never cursed before. I think I may have actually made some words up.
I scrambled for the kitchen sink and jammed my hand under running water. I then bandaged my hand up and was forced to clean up the mess I hade made with only one hand. I looked ruefully at the remaining pizza bread, still wrapped in plastic and waiting to be put in the nuker. Not only had I injured myself, but I was out one pizza bread. After cursing Red Baron's mothers, I carefully started the second pizza. It now sits in front of me, steaming diabolically.
The worst part is that yes, the Red Baron ruined my shit, but even worse than that is yes, I will eat this pizza bread, even though its brother tried to assassinate me. So yeah, don't eat Red Baron pizza breads, unless you like 3rd degree burns.
User Reviews
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-02-03 18:34:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You should have put anchovies on it!
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-01-27 22:00:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-01-27 09:40:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm so sorry you got hurt.
I'm also sorry for laughing at you.
Submitted by PhiTappaAss (user info) at 2005-01-27 10:33:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Rest that lil' hand.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-01-27 10:17:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I just KNEW this was gonna be about those fucking pizzas.
Stick to Tombstone.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-01-27 09:40:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm so sorry you got hurt.
I'm also sorry for laughing at you.
Submitted by InkyFingers (user info) at 2005-01-27 09:37:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-01-27 09:35:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My favourite trick is to remove pizza's from the oven with the flat of a large knife... I am Squadron Commander "The Lord" FlashHeart to your Red Baron von Richthofen.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-01-27 09:30:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Once I put sugar in a spoon and held it over a candle flame till it melted. Then I touched it. Dear lord was that ever a stupid idea.... Sugar tends to burn into your skin...
Submitted by Grin (user info) at 2005-01-27 09:21:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Made me laugh, and having worked in a pizza place, I, too, know the pain of scalding hot pizza and some shit burgler leaving a "fresh from an oven the temperature of the sun" pan on my counter for me to pick up with my soft, exposed, pink, fleshy hand.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-01-27 09:20:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can relate, doll.
When I was 14, I worked behind the concession stand at a movie theater (hence my hatred of popcorn). And it was disgustingly busy (the weekend that Twister and Mission Impossible came out) and I was on nacho duty... I managed to slosh scalding hot cheese on my thumb abd wrist that literally boiled my skin. Dropped the nachos and burnt my leg through my pants... Lemme tell ya, they don't like it when you scream curse words in the middle of a busy lobby, and that nasty-ass cheese sure as hell doesn't wash off easy. It took 2 layers of skin with it.
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2005-01-27 09:14:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I spilled just-stopped-boiling chili all over my thumb on Sunday. I grunted, held the bowl, then looked for a place to put it.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-01-27 09:02:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for pizza burns. Lord knows I've had my fair share.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-01-27 08:47:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sympathy +2
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-01-27 08:46:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2005-01-27 08:42:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for other people's misfortunes.
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2005-01-27 08:42:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for other people's misfortunes.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-01-27 08:40:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's what you get when you mess with Manfred Von Richthofen.