Home Depot and The Amazing Flying Retard (1146 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.58 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by jayjonze <crazfool003.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-01-27 12:38:59 EST
Disclaimer:
Well, if you clicked on this to -2 me because you are offended by the word "retard". Why did you click on this in the first place? As a matter of fact, why are you on Uber at all? Think of "Retard" as short for "Down Syndrome." If you are still offended, Go Fuck Yourself. I refuse to type the words "Down Syndrome" 50 times in this story. I don't want to get carpel tunnel (not sure how to spell that, but I'm not a doctor so who cares) because you are overly sensetive.
My Problem with Home Depot:
It has been snowing like crazy in CT latley and I needded some supplies. I went to ACE Hardware and they diddn't have shit. I think they have trained their employees to say "Did you try Home Depot?" because that was the response that I got for everything I was looking for. Let me just say I hate Home Depot. The place is huge, I can never seem to find what I am looking for. 90% of the time their employees cannot find anything that I am looking for. 5% are too old to care. The final 5% are guys that have failed in their own buisness. These guys are the worst. They are all cocky because they think that they know everything, yet they seem to forget that they failed miserably in life. Don't get an attitude with me, I'm not the one who wears a bright orange apron for 40 hours a week.
The Story:
Today I had 5 hours to kill, so I parked my car, put on my GPS locator and went into the store. I had about 5 things I needed; Salt, a Shovel, a bucket for the Salt, an ice scraper, and some gloves. Everything was going fine until I went looking for the gloves. Seeing that I was doing well finding most of the stuff, I was confident that I would be able to find the gloves. After about 20 minutes, I realized I needed some help. I started to keep my eyes open for someone to point me in the right direction. As I am looking around, I kept seeing this orange colored blur in the corner of my vision. It was running, I would look and I could see someone in the corner of my vision. Running by the aisles, stomping their feet loudly. I walk out of the end of an aisle and WHAM! Someone runs into me HARD. I almost fell over. The person totally bit it. She fell onto the ground as she hit me. Shit goes flying everywhere. I help her up.
"Are you o.k.?" I ask
"Yesh, I can't be running." She slurred
At this point I realize that the girl is retarded. The is wearing THICK glasses that make her eyes look huge. She is a little overweight, wearing jeans that are too small and a bright red shirt with a wolf and a dream catcher on it. This outfit was topped off by her bright orange apron. I help her pick up her things, one of the items was a pool skimmer.
At this point I decided not to ask why she was running around with a pool skimmer in the middle of January. As far as retards go, it seemed like par for the course. Not caring about the violent collision or the pool skimmer I ask her to help me find the gloves.
"Glubs?" She asked
"Yes, Gloves." I replied
"Follow ME" She was very proud of herself, I couldn't help but think I had made her day.
As we are walking she is acting really stange. She was looking down every aisle as we passed by, gripping the pool skimmer. All of a sudden she takes off and runs down an aisle. I wait for a minute and she is gone. She was fast. I can see her running, stumbling and waving the pool skimmer around in the air wildly. I figure I am on my own again.
I find my gloves (she had told me the general area they were in while we had been walking) and I make my selection. I start to head towards the registers. All of a sudden I hear a crash. I look at the aisle next to me and there she is, laying on the ground in a pile of empty paint buckets (the plastic ones). I see her flailing and crawling around the ground, paint buckets flying everywhere.
"I gotted it, I gotted it!" she shouted.
Then I saw it, what all the fuss had been about. A bird. She had been running around the store all day chasing after a bird that had gotten into the store. She was jumping up and down. Employees are all over the place now, trying to calm her down and picking up the mess. The girl is jumping around in circles, turning around and yelling at the top of her lungs. Then the unbelievable happened. After she caught the bird she got a little exited and she pissed herself.
So this is the scene as I leave: In the middle of the middle aisle of the store you have paint buckets all over the floor. Orange aprons everywhere trying to clean up. One retard holding a bird in one hand and a pool skimmer in the other. She is wearing THICK glasses, has on a bright red shirt with a wolf and a dream catcher on it. She is screaming "I got it!", "I got it!" While jumping around in circles so as to show her now soaked, urine filled pants. And of course, her bright orange apron.
Lets just say I now have a reason to go back to Home Depot.
User Reviews
Submitted by erosion_rules (user info) at 2005-12-05 16:39:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This post = my reason for joining uber.
Submitted by okokididitbutiwasdrunk (user info) at 2005-02-05 20:31:59 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2005-02-05 20:14:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2005-01-27 18:46:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha. Classic.
Submitted by jayjonze (user info) at 2005-01-27 18:33:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-01-27 12:49:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
Next time it snows, we should get drunk.
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Sounds like a plan
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-01-27 14:27:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just talked to bush_lies and he said that Hitler was on the right track when he started offing all the retards. Good story.
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Submitted by bush_lies (user info) at 2005-01-25 16:34:25 (#)
Ranking: 0
i'm not saying concentration camps aren't bad, they were centainly horrific, but look at the germans. 0% unemployment, inflation down, an economy back on it's feet, there are positive aspects to Nazi Germany.
Submitted by big_wigger (user info) at 2005-01-27 14:17:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
but I bet they had plenty of parking!
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-01-27 14:15:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-01-27 14:05:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
BWA HA HA
funny stuff
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-01-27 14:05:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BWA HA HA
funny stuff
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2005-01-27 14:04:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
retards are funny
Submitted by Vomit (user info) at 2005-01-27 13:49:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Retards are funny.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-01-27 12:58:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
my children are going to be retarded for giving this a positive rating
Submitted by Kraven (user info) at 2005-01-27 12:52:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thats about as good as the time back when i was working for Bestbuy, i was leading a man to the audio department to show him some HTIBs (Home theater im a box) when he caught a display by his foot and tumbled over. Ya he was about 70 years old... I had to bite my tounge for 5 minutes until i could escape to laugh +2 buddy
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-01-27 12:49:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Next time it snows, we should get drunk.