The Volatility of Papa John's Sauce or How We Caught Easterfuck In the Act (1613 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.7 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by CaptainThorns (View user info) at 2005-01-27 14:25:57 EST
Ah, the good old days of college. Misadventures and pranks in all their glory. After all, we did live on the "wellness" floor of our coed dorm for several years, which incidentally happened to be the top floor (remember this fact, it will come into play later), and we the proud and geeky had much spare time on our hands in between the occasional (ok, semi-annual) date.
Enter sophomore year (1996), and Papa John's. It was the closest and cheapest pizza joint to campus, plus it was free delivery. The year before, Darin adopted a pet breadstick in early fall and named it Bob. We stowed Bob away in the laundry room in Heitz Hall before leaving for the summer, hoping to find new growth in the fall, and that he would have evolved enough to learn basic English. Unfortunately this was not to be Bob's fate. After posting "Have you seen me?" signs all over the dorm, we concluded after a few weeks that Bob had suffered at the cruel hands of building maintenance during the summer and fell prey to Hefty or Dumpster.
However, that was freshman year. THIS year, we vowed not to make the same mistake. My comrades joined me on the top floor of Geisert Hall, home base of the "wellness" program, and plans were immediately set to launch an even more intense crusade in the name of Papa John's.
Yes, that's right. The small but talkative E-Wack (a father-imposed nickname, derived from his first and last name), born without a butthole, devised a mission: to see how many Papa John's sauces we could collect over the entire year. A simple yet brilliant scheme. Although a few sauce containers were launched out of windows at random pedestrians and cars, and one was sacrificed to the microwave in the lounge (time to eruption: 46 seconds, and the foil on the inside of the cover made some nice sparks), we collected enough sauce to fully occupy a two 5'x4' wall shelf systems. May rolled around with final exams, and with only a few days left before the end of year two, the looming question was "now what do we do with it?"
Vegas (a.k.a. Colin) apparently had been secretly preparing for this moment. He produced two empty gallon milk jugs from beneath his bed, whereby we knew what should...nay, MUST...be done. We got out the camcorder and videotaped the entire process of pouring the sauce containers one by one into a milk jug, and we wound up with an entire gallon of the stuff. A day later, the sauce had "settled" into the oil and lard elements, and we poured off the top layer of oil into the second jug, sealed the jugs, and marked them "Dedicated to Darin, Father of the Sauce", since he had flunked out of school freshman year with a 0.0 GPA for both semesters thanks to countless hours of trying to beat Legends of Scherezade for the NES.
But the story doesn't stop there. The matter still remained of where to stow away the jugs. Derrick in his infinite wisdom, having come up with the idea of racing RC cars around the ceiling of the dorm floor (since we had access to the space via the drop ceiling panels, being on the top floor of the dorm), blurted out "Hey! Let's put 'em in the ceiling for the summer! Maintenance will NEVER find it there!" And so it was. We hoisted the jugs into the ceiling, took a picture (see below), put the panels back in place, and left for the summer.
Junior year: enter annoying-ass freshman Daniel Easterday, or, as Stany called him, "Easterfuck." Not only did he smell like ass sweat and run his mouth off, he was also a compulsory masturbator who was caught whacking off on top of his loft on more than one occasion by his assigned roommate Mehmet, who was an exchange student from Turkey. Quoting Mehmet: "ah sheet ah foock, I joost walked in the room and hees jizz was flyeeng toowerd the ceiling when i opened the door!". (Side note: we learned that Grand Am translates as "wider is better" in Turkish, so Mehmet found it hilarious that we had this emblazoned on the back of our vehicles.) Anyway, it had only been three days back to school and already Easterfuck had set a bad track record for himself. Not looking too good.
The following week was Labor Day weekend, and at my school, that meant everyone except for the guys on my floor went home for the holiday. Not us. We were too busy creating misadventures. Easterfuck decided to stay for the weekend too, much to our chagrin. As it turned out though, this resulted in the most memorable weekend of college ever.
Saturday happened to be a very hot day, and we were all in Derrick's room, which was the same room from last year, enjoying the A/C and having an RC Pro Am tournament. Easterfuck was nowhere to be seen, but that was fine with us. We were heavy into the tournament in mid-afternoon when all of a sudden we hear "AH SHIT FUCK SHIT GODDDAMMIT NOOOOO!!!!!" from next door.
Which happened to be Mehmet and Easterfuck's room.
We hit pause and bolted into the hallway to see what the commotion was. That's when Easterfuck came running out of his room with pants around his ankles, kleenex and lotion on his hands, and Papa John's sauce covering his crotch and legs.
Apparently the temperature in the ceiling had risen so high that the milk jugs, which had been coincidentally placed directly over his loft, exploded from the heat and ate through the ceiling tile, right above where he had been spanking the monkey.
It was a solid half hour before any of us could stop laughing after witnessing this spectacle.
From that day forward, in honor of Easterfuck, we always refer to the pizza chain as Papa Schlong's.
User Reviews
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2008-01-07 18:07:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-09-25 13:12:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny stuff
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-09-05 12:28:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nasty!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-07 22:30:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I wish that I could remember something - anything - from my college days of yore.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-12-07 22:16:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by dangerdude (user info) at 2005-11-10 21:28:10 (#)
Ranking: 0
Illinois State? go Redbirds!
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Nope...think a little northeast on I-74. If you look at any of my more recent posts that tell where I reside, you shouldn't have much trouble figuring it out.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-07 19:20:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is prettier'n a stack of c-notes perched precariously on the small of Inari Vach's back.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-12-07 19:09:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
auto +2 for college shenanigans - I should post a few of those myself
Submitted by dangerdude (user info) at 2005-11-10 21:28:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Illinois State? go Redbirds!
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-03-30 10:13:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-02-02 07:58:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nope, not U of I...no one's guessed it yet.
Submitted by EPatrick (user info) at 2005-02-01 19:46:29 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Thanks for making me read all that. Great sense of humor.
Submitted by Ingsoc (user info) at 2005-02-01 11:15:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2005-02-01 10:53:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-02-01 10:36:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-01-31 10:14:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
Yup, I'm from Central IL. 5 +2's to whoever can guess what university I attended. :)
UCLA?
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hehe, prolly not Bob...
how about Champaign-Urbana?
p.s. there are some good suggestions for improving your post below
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-02-01 10:36:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-01-31 10:14:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
Yup, I'm from Central IL. 5 +2's to whoever can guess what university I attended. :)
UCLA?
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-02-01 10:29:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I bet it smelled like the inside of a dead monkey's ass.
Submitted by wanderingsharps (user info) at 2005-02-01 10:19:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ha ha ha...nice
like the tales, too
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-01-31 10:14:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yup, I'm from Central IL. 5 +2's to whoever can guess what university I attended. :)
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-01-28 16:24:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I saw you mentioned central IL on a reply to another post.
Are you from central IL? Are you? Huh? Huh?
Submitted by notoriousbrett (user info) at 2005-01-27 22:16:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
chuckled more than once
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-01-27 22:07:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's a lot of pizzas.
Submitted by Thored (user info) at 2005-01-27 22:06:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Har?
Submitted by Mill29 (user info) at 2005-01-27 21:52:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Definitly looking forward to college.
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2005-01-27 19:21:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
4) smaller picture
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2005-01-27 18:59:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awsomeness.
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2005-01-27 15:54:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story. It should have/could have gotten more hits/reviews. Recommendations:
1) One title. It worked for Tom, but not for anyone else.
2) Edit. It is a good story even if you cut it in half. You had too much details that distract from the story line. If you keep people interested all the way to the end, you will get more reviews. Focus.
3) I am willing to bet my the left nut of my first born son that you have more good college stories. Bring em', I look forward to reading more.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-01-27 15:06:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nasty, yet amusing.
-Dave
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-01-27 14:57:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
want to make people really sick? Get a salad with italian dressing and let it sit in a piece of tupperware for three weeks. Do not open the tupperware until you are at the drop point. Leave, open, and run for your life.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-01-27 14:55:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Niiiiiice!
I have a cupcake from Easter of '93 on my bookshelf.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-01-27 14:43:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
and THAT is what college is for.
Submitted by SundanceKid (user info) at 2005-01-27 14:37:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So who licked it off?
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-01-27 14:29:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Disturbing amout of time on your hands, but good shit.