My First day in prison. (2627 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.38 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ben nelson <benjamindover.at.gmail.com (View user info) at 2005-01-27 14:35:22 EST
I was convicted for posession with intent to distribute marijuana, (why did they think i was intending to distribute? I only had a half pound on me... heh) After 3 months in R&O (recieving and orentation i.e. sitting in the hole for 3 months going insane) I was moved into general population.
My cellmate was named "spider" 6'5" 270lbs probably about 23 years old, and had a crazy wild eyed distant stare. The hair on the left side of his head was 3" shorter than the other side, apparantly he was cutting his own hair. The first words out of his mouth were, "your a spy from jesus, to watch me masturbate". This wasn't a question, it was a statment. I thought he was just fucking w/ me so i just chuckled. I didn't give a fuck if this guy was jack the ripper himself, after 3 months alone in a cell, I was just happy to see somone other than a guard.
Spider then said "I have to hide my semen so jesus doesn't find it.." me: "ok... "
spider: " if he finds it he will give it back to my mother and the end of times will be brought forth hence"
me: blank stare...
spider: " if you tell jesus, i will fuck you until the wrath of holy bihilda is brought down upon you"
me: "ok, i wont tell..."
spider: "good"
Luckily breakfast chow line started just then. I got in line to eat behind a guy with what looked to be a tattoo of my grandmother on the back of his shaved head. Me being the smartass unthinking little bastard i was at that age, I commented to the guy behind me "thats a spitting image of my grandma!". We enjoyed a chuckle. The guy in front, w/ the tat turned around and said "You little cocksucker, I'm gunna make you my bitch"
I said "woah hey man, i was just jokin, i think its cool you have an old lady permanatly etched into your dome"
tattoo replied: "thats not an old lady thats adolf hitler".
me: "uh... oh... uh... "
tattoo: "punk bitch" (apparantly this was a grave insult, because everyone around gasped and backed away)
me: "uh, i didn't mean to insult your um.. finely done nazi artwork.. uh.. i just..."
tattoo: "i'm going to tattoo tits on your back bitch and when i fuck you in your asshole i'm going to yank on that long blonde hair of yours. i bet your rectum is tight...." then he made what i can only describe as a slurpping sucking sound.
me(shitting my pants, but still a cocky young asshole): "ok but when its my turn to do you from behind can we put something over your dome?... lookin at my grandma would kill the mood". He lunged at me possibly to shank me with his rubber prison issue fork, but was pulled back by his nazi friends who said "we'll get him later".
They sat down at the obviously neo-nazi table, tattoo and his 15 swaztica/SS tattoo covered slime bags stared at me(probably wanting to anally rape me and sodomize every orriface of my 22year old body.. I, looked back at them and, of course, winked.. pissing them off even more.
I got back to my cell and I was bored with counting the hours to my rectal raping and painfilled death.. so I figured i'd screw with the schitzo's brain, and put my 2 years of community college psych classes to work. So over the next 3 hours or so I fucked with this guys head, and by afternoon head count, he believed me to be "the holy skeletor" and knew that I weilded the great and mighty "power of greyskull". He feared and respected my greatness. If i wanted i could have had this mongoloid suckin me off or wearing a tutu while flinging his feces and screaming like a monkey. But i had something much more devious in mind, and I prepared spider accordingly.
Around 5 pm, dinner was called, and we were let out of our cells to pick up our food and eat. I walked to the dinner line. Spider, my lapdog, followed closly behind muttering something about my greatness and unmeasurable power, i slapped him and told him to be quiet. I saw the neo nazi table with all the peckerwoods and that fucker with my grandmother tattooed on his head. I whispered to spider, who immediatly turned around and cold cocked the line guard in the jaw.. knockin the fucker out. Then according to my mastermind plan stripped naked, jumped up on the neo-nazi table and took a shit right in the middle of the table. This wasn't just a normal shit, this was a steaming dripping wet, king of all shits. The nazis were caught so off guard they just sat there in horror and disgust. Spider then, stepping in his own foul excrement twirled around in a circle, urinating in the faces of the neo-nazis.
It took the guards several minutes to wrestle the shit covered lunatic to the ground, i heard him screaming something about skeletor telling him to poop on the evil doers. It took the guardsd even longer to subdo the nazis. At this point the nazis didn't want to fight the shit covered man so they were trying to fight the rest of the onlookers who all laughed. I stood in the back of the room chuckling and caught tattoos eye as he was dragged from the room and, of course, i winked, tattoo went nutts and had to be tased.
Spider was sent to a mental institution, and i spend the rest of my 17 month sentence, narrowly avoiding anal rapings... but thats a story for another time.
User Reviews
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2005-08-19 18:57:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2005-05-04 17:11:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Made me Chuckle
Submitted by fluff (user info) at 2005-04-07 17:07:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by benjamindover (user info) at 2005-01-31 10:59:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Lunch involved like 5 snickers bars, and cowering in my cell.
Submitted by blujnbbyqn (user info) at 2005-01-29 08:43:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One thing, what happened at lunch?
Michelle
Submitted by Jay_Bassman (user info) at 2005-01-29 08:27:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2005-01-29 06:29:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You need one of these t-shirts http://www.ubersite.com/m/54284
Submitted by Jay_Bassman (user info) at 2005-01-28 10:33:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Poor Spider... funny-as shit though.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-01-28 10:18:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Not bad, for a gay guy.
Submitted by rollerboognish (user info) at 2005-01-28 10:04:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Spider made me laugh out loud.
Submitted by iHurtFeelings (user info) at 2005-01-28 10:01:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
+2 for a good story -2 for getting ass raped and feeling ashamed and lying about it.
Submitted by CJRipley (user info) at 2005-01-28 09:48:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2005-01-28 09:21:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed hard at the first half of this story.
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2005-01-28 09:05:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice to have people like Spider to bend at your will.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-01-28 08:54:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Har Har a rape story I can finally relate too. Thanks!
Submitted by Jarvis (user info) at 2005-01-27 19:42:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This has got to be one of the funniest things I have EVER read!
Submitted by EbolaMay (user info) at 2005-01-27 19:34:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Whether tis true or not, it is for reasons such as this that I would much rather blow my head off than face the American (or any other) judicial system. I would be so ass-raped in Prison.
Shawshank....American History X....
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2005-01-27 19:20:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Awww. Poor Spider.
Submitted by algermetiphist (user info) at 2005-01-27 19:19:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny shit.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-01-27 15:06:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude,
You said that you'd write.
--Spider
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-01-27 14:59:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
-1 cuz you reminded me of jail
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-01-27 14:58:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nicely written.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-01-27 14:58:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Interesting would probably be the best word to descibe this.
Not all together too sure what to give this. I will settle for a +1 for now.
I reserve the right to change my mind.
-Dave
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2005-01-27 14:46:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Plus 2 for you!!
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2005-01-27 14:44:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
your grandma was a nazi? thats crazy.
my (innocent) friend just got shipped out of county to R&O today, he's in for 32-144 months... poor bastard.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-01-27 14:41:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"Bitch ass dude"
Submitted by Grin (user info) at 2005-01-27 14:41:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
WOrth a read, but...odd.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-01-27 14:41:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
totally awesome. true or not it was a great story.