Dead and Missing Uberfolk (Poetry contest results.) (1236 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: uber-related
Rating: 1.72 on 53 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-01-28 07:02:24 EST
http://www.ubersite.com/m/57743
Well, damn, people.
With no further ado, because frankly I'm too drained to ado anything (yeah, yeah.. that was bad) because I had to create extra categories so you nice folk wouldn't lynch me and THIS TOOK ME HOURS SO YOU'D BETTER BE GRATEFUL and because I remembered halfway through that I suck at photoshop...
So without further ado, the winners:
1st PLACE (Eulogy):
Impassive Digressive, for this:
""My (belated) Australia Day Special - to the Tune of the 'Happy Little Vegemites' song:
I'd be a happy little Vegemite as bright as bright could be,
All I'd need is Circe bending down in front of me.
My penis would engorge and drops of pre-cum they would leak,
Then I would slam it in her butt,
Slap her wet girl-bits with my nuts,
And blow my load over her cheeks!
...I've had this fantasy for weeks!
Don't know the Vegemite Song? Want to sing along? Of course you do! You can download it from this website: http://www.geocities.com/alfonzobelushi/vegemite.html""
____________________________________________
2nd PLACE TIE (Obituary):
Lojope:
""It's true our dear Circe has pluck,
But with her, you are all out of luck,
She doesn't want you,
Or like what you do,
Cause it's me who she just loves to have sexual intercourse with"".
And Coyote:
""There once was a woman from Perth
Who hit-whored for all she was worth
Posting faux-Dr. Seuss,
Psychosexual abuse,
And the demons to whom she gave birth.""
_________________________________________
3rd PLACE TIE (Missing Persons):
AshK:
""I have a dear friend I call Lynnie
Whose pussy my fingers go innie
After lots of hard breathin
She comes like a heathen
And asks me to do it againnie""
And Tinactin:
""What I'd do for a kiss, or even a smooch
Or a waft of the air to erupt from your cooch
All bubbling with glee, and appearing so sprightly
I'm amazed by the queefs that you produce nightly
Yet am I a bridesmaid, and never a bride?
One fuck on the floor then you toss me aside?
But enough of this doubt, of this banal hysteria
For I am a tray in your anal cafeteria.""
_________________________
And the super special "You would have won if this didn't break the rules" award (Missing Persons):
BigMike:
""Circe, my dear,
it has become clear,
that your writing is far above average.
Each word that you write,
I read with delight,
without help from any strong beverage.
You're strange in your views,
of women and booze,
and children that scare every day.
But want you I must,
with an increasing lust,
hell, I'm even willing to pay. ""
And LadyPlural:
""My dearest, darlingest Circe
How I long to caress yo-
Look! A butterfly!
*chases after it*
I call it, 'Love Interrupted'""
____________________________
And that's it. There was a lot more awesomeness, but I can only spend so much time on photoshop before I start to cry.
You guys rock.
User Reviews
Submitted by MaximusPadus (user info) at 2005-01-30 22:42:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Fuckin aussies.
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2005-01-30 22:24:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
<grin>
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-01-30 21:34:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Even though I wasn't a fan of the contest, the write-ups were teh funnay.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-01-30 09:49:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the ladyplural eulogy was hilarious.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-01-29 21:55:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Utterly magnificant. I mean, UTTERLY. Although it was truly tragic that my first limerick was not mentioned. I thought that it was cool, anyway.
There's a bunch of drunk rich people sitting about 50 feet away from me. And a Beatles cover band that, as one person so aptly put it, is almost as good as a Beatles cover band.
But their costumes and makeup are good.
I want to do a Yoko Ono cover. That'd show them.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-01-29 09:51:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Moi?
Parlez vous Iambic Pentameter?
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-01-29 09:35:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Shut up, Snark. Back in your box.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-01-29 09:23:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Seeing that english and poetry should never and cannot mix, I was bound to win even though I talked about shit and piss.
Let me shed light
On this "poetry" :
It is rubbish trite
Ronsard wannabes
Piètre lyrisme.
Rythmique manquante.
Formes en absentéisme.
Tous, dilletantes.
p.s. English is for buisness only.
====================
Amen Brutha
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-01-29 05:56:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are a funny lady... keep it that way.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-01-29 05:38:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Seeing that english and poetry should never and cannot mix, I was bound to win even though I talked about shit and piss.
Let me shed light
On this "poetry" :
It is rubbish trite
Ronsard wannabes
Piètre lyrisme.
Rythmique manquante.
Formes en absentéisme.
Tous, dilletantes.
p.s. English is for buisness only.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2005-01-29 02:01:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
There was an old maid called Lynne
who harboured within a lascivious twin
that lived online spewing filth and slime
in rhymes of a design so perversely malign
that maidenly old Lynne blushed at the sin, sewed up her quim, and did herself in.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-01-29 00:30:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And Tinactin:
""What I'd do for a kiss, or even a smooch
Or a waft of the air to erupt from your cooch
All bubbling with glee, and appearing so sprightly
I'm amazed by the queefs that you produce nightly
Yet am I a bridesmaid, and never a bride?
One fuck on the floor then you toss me aside?
But enough of this doubt, of this banal hysteria
For I am a tray in your anal cafeteria.""
---------------
HAHAHAHAHAHA queef is an awesome word!
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-01-28 19:40:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
FAC - Nah.. you lost because your meter was off like last week's underwear. Being insulted by you isn't exactly the darkest hour of my life, you know? You keep riding that UM train for as long as it'll carry you.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-01-28 18:42:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I got snubbed worse than Johnny Depp at any Academy Awards ever. I guess insulting the judge isn't exactly the best way to win.
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2005-01-28 18:07:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant!
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2005-01-28 17:48:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
CIRCE!! You know my poem was the best!!
I DEMAND A RECOUNT!!!1
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-01-28 11:30:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-01-28 11:18:26 (#)
This is like an episode of The Love Connection.
---------------------------------------------
Except with more spankings.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-01-28 11:18:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is like an episode of The Love Connection.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-01-28 11:02:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What hate?
I'm laughing my ass off.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-01-28 11:00:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That was supposed to be a 2.
sorry
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-01-28 10:47:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Snark - Why all the hate? You're my little cumquat butt, remember? When you put on that skirt and called me Sister Mary?
AshK - You, and me, and a vat of baby oil. And a car battery. And some menz, just cause they're so pretty when they cry.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-01-28 10:41:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-01-28 10:40:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you glorious bitch, you.
i feel happiness that you didn't camwhore me!
i also feel happiness about that thing you do with your tongue, but hey. I guess I'm just easy.
Back to the stage. Send some olive oil. I'm running low.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-01-28 10:40:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHAA
Let's not forget a certain phonecall where you read that email back to me and laughed your ass off.
Shortly after you gave your express permission to post it.
Carefull what you ask for...
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-01-28 10:36:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ohhhhh Snark.... you're a dead man. I'm going to fucking end your shit.
There are few emails *I* could post too, you know.
Dervel - You were just so awesome I couldn't classify it as poetry. If I ever run a "Gospel of the Gods" contest, you'll win it. </asscovering>
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-01-28 10:36:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bah! You demoted me! It's because you have no picture, isnt it
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-01-28 10:21:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How the hell did I not win?
I demand a re-count.
I'm sure I entered. I think.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-01-28 09:46:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHAHA!!!
OK the gloves are off.
I knew I was saving this for a reason.
It's time to let Uber know the truth.
It's time to reveal how your posts look before I edit them...
I'm sorry to have to do this but I'm sick of doing all the work and getting none of the glory.
Below is an email sent from her to me that perfectly showcases Circe's true writing skill.
"is 4.30 am
am kinda little bittle bit tipsy
happy new year Snarky baby wooo
my head hurts
i nearly drownwsed is the pool tonight
getting drink in the pool is a stupid things to do
there was a lizard inthe oiil so i scremed but it was only a pretend one
everybody laughed at me called me a girl
didn't bother to sipdrove the point as was irrefutanle logic
bad typing drunked fingers
going bed now wooo"
As you can see, she keeps me quite busy...
(all your +2's are belong to me)
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-01-28 09:41:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Snark - *grins*
Not stupid, are you? I knew a post about poetry would make you wanna kill things...
I just think of you all the time, see?
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-01-28 09:36:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wait a minute...
Is this concept a snide way of getting back at me for our conversation about poetry the other day?
Does that mean I can take credit for some of this?
Does it mean that my plans to move in as your "Roommate" then slowly turn myself into you before stealing your life and burying you in the basement might have a chance?
Is the term "Single White Shemale" disturbing to you?
Never mind. Go back to sleep.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-01-28 09:23:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This post has dead people.
Dead people are funny.
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2005-01-28 09:21:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh man! Best Obituary Ever!!!
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2005-01-28 09:14:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
With glee, Circe's contest I spied
Rolled up my sleeves and I tried
I had it, I reckoned
But then came in second
A bridesmaid but never a bride.
*grins*
Love you Circe!
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-01-28 09:04:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by fell-8-me (user info) at 2005-01-28 08:58:25 (#)
Question about Coyote though, how the hell did he ever manage to get rid of that swastika he and his followers had carved in their foreheads?
-------------------------------------------------
It's amazing how much prosthetic forehead technology has improved over the last decade or so.
Submitted by fell-8-me (user info) at 2005-01-28 08:58:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
These were great, the eulogies and the missing persons reports, hell even the poems.
Question about Coyote though, how the hell did he ever manage to get rid of that swastika he and his followers had carved in their foreheads?
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-01-28 08:37:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hahahahaha... ID.... what carpet? No carpet. That'd give me away for sure.
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2005-01-28 08:34:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Death came clad in darkest night
To guide me upwards, to the light.
Then through the black, sweet words reached me,
As Circe read my eulogy.
I faltered, fell, I could not soar.
I longed to hear her voice once more.
So bathed in other-worldly hues,
I knelt before the Fickle Muse.
"One final query, I'm uncertain,
Does the carpet match the curtains?"
-------------------------------------
Here endeth my brief foray into poetry.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-01-28 08:32:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh man.... Imp-Dig's was just perfect. I was singing along.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-01-28 08:32:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm never running a contest again. The guilt is giving me ulcers.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-01-28 08:20:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i tried...
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2005-01-28 08:14:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i meant like a band-aid, you know when you pull off the real sticky ones it takes all the arm fuzz and hurts like hellfire?
Considering what your children do with feminine hygene products I think I'll skip any talk you might want to bestow upon me regarding how they are meant to be used. :-P
"Mystia - You're magnificent!"
WOMAM! I told you sweet talk isn't gonna work!!!
Now if you'll excuse me I have a pigeon to train, a Great Dane puppy to buy and NOT potty train, and a new skin cream to brew up for you.
Christ! I have a life, you know!
Things to do, deaths to plot.
I wonder if Manda got her mail bomb yet?..hmmm...
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-01-28 08:11:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thank god it's over.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-01-28 08:06:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Are you SURE that Impassive Digestive or whatever her name is is a "man"?
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-01-28 08:05:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Mystia - You're magnificent when you're angry.
And how do you know what Maxipads do to arm hairs anyway? I mean.. really... you need to email me. I have to explain some female things to you, dear.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2005-01-28 08:00:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-01-28 07:09:55 (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm sorry, mystia.. I'm really really sorry... please don't hit me..
Oh my...
Can you go a little higher? Yeah, right there.. oh god yes... harder...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
NO NO NO
That shit only works on men.
Straight.
OOOOOOOH I am so distraught.
how......could.....you....
Sure, pick people who took 137 tries and spent all day camping here.
My raw talent was scripted in 2 minutes and i only had one entry.
I don't need your award. I have lots of awards from my days in the Special Olympics.
-2DIE!
I hope your little boy sticks maxi-pads all over your whole body in your sleep. The extra sticky kind. The ones that pull out all the little arm hairs when you pull them off.
Yeah....and...ummm...I hope a pigeon poops on your head...yeah...and I hope you step in a steaming hulking pile of great dane shit...yeah....and I hope you get a neverending honker zit right on the tip of your nose that oozes until all the moisture has left your body.....yeah.....
I'll be back later with more
My wrath knows no bounds!
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-01-28 07:58:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WTF?! I didn't win?!
I've got a steak-knife and I'm coming over.
Hide your kids; we wouldn't want to get blood all over them.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-01-28 07:47:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I WON, I WON, I WON!
I'm getting laid by a redhead!
This is hilarious.
You are truly awesome.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-01-28 07:43:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
DeathJester - Awwww.... come here.. I'll make it all better again.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-01-28 07:25:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Drained and dejected, he stalks sullenly away into the depressing abyss of his rejection."
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-01-28 07:12:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Shit. Take the quotes off Impassive's vegemite link to make it work. Forgive my light mental retardation.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-01-28 07:11:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Now that that's over with, can we see your boobs?
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-01-28 07:09:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm sorry, mystia.. I'm really really sorry... please don't hit me..
Oh my...
Can you go a little higher? Yeah, right there.. oh god yes... harder...
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2005-01-28 07:08:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
NEVER speak to me again, SKEEZ!