You asked for it, here it is: Fun With Real E-Mail, Part 4 (6344 hits)
Category: HumorLabels: fun_with_real_e-mail
Rating: 1.87 on 71 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tom Sorrell (View user info) at 2005-01-28 12:25:43 EST
Part 1: http://www.ubersite.com/m/57074
Part 2: http://www.ubersite.com/m/57130
Part 3: http://www.ubersite.com/m/57235
Due to the popularity of the first three of these, I decided to do another one. It took me a while to collect these, because my co-workers seem to think I need "psychiatric help" and that I "don't work well with others." I had to pick and choose the times and people to mess with, and over the last week, I've had four. I didn't have the luxury of picking and choosing which were the best, but I hope these are good enough for a few laughs. Let's get to it.
(Once again, these e-mails are REAL and UNEDITED.)
---------------------------------------
To: Tom Sorrell
From: Kelly
Subject: Can you help?
I can't find these documents on the scanned document viewer, but it shows on my screen that they have been scanned? Am I doing something wrong? Can you help me?
--
To: Kelly
From: Tom Sorrell
Subject: re: Can you help?
That sounds like a real problem, and I can only think of one solution.
--
To: Tom Sorrell
From: Kelly
Subject: re: Can you help?
And that would be?
--
To: Kelly
From: Tom Sorrell
Subject: re: Can you help?
KILL WHITEY.
---------------------------------------
To: Tom Sorrell
From: Lola
Subject: I need supplies.
Hi Tom I need some supplies.
--
To: Lola
From: Tom Sorrell
Subject: re: I need supplies
Lass mich alleine, zimtzicke.
(roughly translated for Uber: "Leave me alone, stupid cow.")
--
To: Tom Sorrell
From: Lola
Subject: re: I need supplies
ok...
I'm going to need 3 boxes of 8 x 11 hanging file folders with tabs. Thanks!!!
--
To: Lola
From: Tom Sorrell
Subject: re: I need supplies
Drei? Mein Gott! Das heißt vielen acktendeckel.
("Three? My God! That's a lot of folders. ")
--
To: Tom Sorrell
From: Lola
Subject: re: I need supplies
What? Can I have them or not?
--
To: Lola
From: Tom Sorrell
Subject: re: I need supplies
Jawohl, Lola. Es passt mir zwar nicht, aber ich werde es doch tun. Drei boxen... wollen sie bitte bestätigen?
("Yes, Lola. I don't like it but I will do it anyway. Three boxes... will you please acknowledge this?")
--
To: Tom Sorrell
From: Lola
Subject: re: I need supplies.
um...
--
To: Lola
From: Tom Sorrell
Subject: re: I need supplies
Mit ja oder nein antworten oder ich werde das nicht ertragen!!
("Answer yes or no or I will not bear it!!!!")
--
To: Tom Sorrell
From: Lola
Subject: re: I need supplies
I have no idea what you're saying.
--
To: Lola
From: Tom Sorrell
Subject: re: I need supplies
Es ist offensichtlich du bist geistig zurückgeblieben. ("It is obvious that you are mentally retarded.")
I'll bring them to you in a minute.
--
From: Lola
To: Tom Sorrell
Subject: re: I need supplies
thank you
---------------------------------------
From: Mary
To: Tom Sorrell
Subject: HELP!!
I just deleted a file that I need!!! How can I get it back!?
HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
--
To: Mary
From: Tom Sorrell
Subject: re: HELP!!
Calm down, this is easily fixed. I'll be right down.
--
To: Tom Sorrell
From: Mary
Subject: re: HELP!!
IT IS A VERY IMPORTANT FILE!!! PLEASE HELP!!!
--
To: Mary
From: Tom Sorrell
Subject: re: HELP!!
Ok, I get it, it's an important file. I'm bust right now, I'll be down in a second. It's not going anywhere, calm down.
--
To: Tom Sorrell
From: Mary
Subject: TOM!!!!
WHERE ARE YOU!?
--
To: Mary
From: Tom Sorrell
Subject: re: TOM!!!!
Look, if you don't calm down, we're going to rumble like this is West Side Story. This is not that big of a deal, PLEASE CALM DOWN.
Also, if we rumble, I'm Tony and you're Benny... we just have to find someone to play Maria so I can do a song and dance number with them. Do you think Eric could pull off being a Puerto Rican girl?
--
To: Tom Sorrell
From: Mary
Subject: re: TOM!!!!
What are you talking about? West Side Story? WHAT??
--
To: Mary
From: Tom Sorrell
Subject: re: TOM!!!!
Fine, no West Side Story. I'll be Romeo and you be Tybalt. How's that sound?
--
To: Tom Sorrell
From: Mary
Subject: re: TOM!!!!
I REALLY hate you.
---------------------------------------
To: Tom Sorrell
From: Brian
Subject: Tom
You need to organize the stock room, it's a mess. I don't want to hear you blame gnomes, fairies, trolls, or anything else you can think of in that warped mind of yours. Just clean it sometime next week, do you think you can handle that?
--
To: Brian
From: Tom Sorrell
Subject: re: Tom
Look Boss, a person can learn to handle such things as seeing their dead grandmother crawling up their leg with a knife in her teeth. But no one should be asked to deal with what you've just asked me to do. Aside from everything you previously mentioned, that stock room also happens to be the reason Maurice Sendak wrote "Where the Wild Things Are."
--
To: Tom Sorrell
From: Brian
Subject: re: Tom
Clean the fucking room, pretty please with sugar on top, or I will strike down upon you with great vengence and furious anger.
User Reviews
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-02-27 22:11:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-04-04 23:09:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by WhoLetYouIn (user info) at 2005-02-20 20:49:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by urbaneruralite (user info) at 2005-02-20 20:33:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2005-02-18 13:48:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2005-02-14 18:47:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I kind of love the people you work with.
Submitted by DamienX (user info) at 2005-02-14 15:26:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Huber_the_Nose (user info) at 2005-02-14 13:33:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your german needs work......
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-02-06 03:56:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And I will strike down upon t ee with great vengence
and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers.
And you will know m y name is the Lord when I lay my vengence upon thee.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-02-06 03:48:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2005-02-06 03:20:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For being an ass to me: -2
But.. this series made me laugh like hell... +4
-2 + 4 = +2!
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2005-02-06 02:49:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by UrbaneMischief (user info) at 2005-02-02 20:31:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-02-02 15:05:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2005-02-02 14:57:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 Brian is awesome
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2005-02-02 14:48:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny stuff.
Submitted by Rawrg (user info) at 2005-02-02 14:17:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love this series.
Submitted by PWNstar (user info) at 2005-02-02 11:16:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
another +2 for Brian
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2005-01-30 23:21:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You need to organize the stock room, it's a mess. I don't want to hear you blame gnomes, fairies, trolls, or anything else you can think of in that warped mind of yours.
==================================================
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways...........
Submitted by lordofthepost (user info) at 2005-01-30 01:43:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/20941
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2005-01-29 20:05:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-01-29 14:52:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
High-fucking-larious.
Fucking with people is fun. The West Side Story thing was great.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-01-29 05:01:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yay, thankyou. I needed that. This could be the coolest series evar. You should defintely do more, and eventually get sacked for my entertainment. I'll be your bestest friend if you do!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-01-29 04:39:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow Tom
MVA w000t
Submitted by chicagogirl (user info) at 2005-01-28 22:19:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
dude i love your boss. tell him to take my team and beat them.
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2005-01-28 19:10:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
shit your pants funny
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-01-28 18:06:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
damnit, espo found it first.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-01-28 18:06:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fear and Loathing!!!!!!
WOOOOOO
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-01-28 17:52:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
funny-ish.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-01-28 17:49:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2005-01-28 17:35:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hehe...have you considered therapy?
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2005-01-28 16:07:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Look Boss, a person can learn to handle such things as seeing their dead grandmother crawling up their leg with a knife in her teeth. But no one should be asked to deal with what you've just asked me to do."
Fear and Loathing reference. Genius.
+2
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-01-28 15:43:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It has LAYERS, damnit. IT IS A GOOD JOKE!!!
Ok, most people smile at it, and then 30 seconds later realize the subtler joke, and laugh. The facial expressions are priceless.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-01-28 15:36:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-01-28 15:33:03 (#)
Ranking: -2
Download some Long Beach Dub All Stars while you work...it helps pass the Sunny Hours.
-------------
www.80smusiclyrics.com
I've been playing Donkey Kong, Pac Man, and Tetris all day.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-01-28 15:33:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"I'd love to help you, but I just picked up a book, 'The History of Superglue', and I can't put it down."
Ahhhh ha ha ha ha ha ha... so bad it's good.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-01-28 15:33:03 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Download some Long Beach Dub All Stars while you work...it helps pass the Sunny Hours.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-01-28 15:32:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by bossk (user info) at 2005-01-28 14:59:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
If he looked enough like Natalie Wood, I'd probably do him.
--------------------------
That spawned this conversation:
Me:
"Hey Eric, some dude on Uber said if you looked enough like Natalie Wood, he'd probably do you."
Eric:
"Who the hell is Natalie Wood? Should I be flattered or creeped out? I don't know what to do with this information... now my head will explode."
Me:
"Don't get blood-n-brains on my new shirt, you fucker."
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-01-28 15:28:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damnit. First, I was going to make a witty comment about 'Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas' but Matt beat me to it. Then I was going to sing something from 'Westside Story' at you, but Bob beat me to it. Then I was going to write a 'Dear Tom, you kick ass' sort of letter, but Nerfherder beat me to it. So, in the interest of originality, I will merely suggest that you answer an email with
"I'd love to help you, but I just picked up a book, 'The History of Superglue', and I can't put it down."
and sulk at all of the other people who stole my clever ideas.
Submitted by bossk (user info) at 2005-01-28 14:59:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by TabathaS. (user info) at 2005-01-28 12:56:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
"Do you think Eric could pull off being a Puerto Rican girl?"
I think he could.
---------------------------------
If he looked enough like Natalie Wood, I'd probably do him.
Submitted by joefu007 (user info) at 2005-01-28 14:55:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Keep them coming.... it's the reason I visit the "Uber"
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-01-28 14:54:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Here is an honest to God e-mail I just received:
Subject: Be sure to scan today if you can.
I dropped a lot of S#$$ for you to scan. Thanks!!!
What a slore, making me work.
psssh
Submitted by Monarch (user info) at 2005-01-28 14:53:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
To: Brian
From: Tom Sorrell
Subject: re: Tom
Look Boss, a person can learn to handle such things as seeing their dead grandmother crawling up their leg with a knife in her teeth. But no one should be asked to deal with what you've just asked me to do. Aside from everything you previously mentioned, that stock room also happens to be the reason Maurice Sendak wrote "Where the Wild Things Are."
------------------------------------------
YES! You worked in a Fear and Loathing quote at work!
You are officially 'the man.'
Submitted by Hadooken (user info) at 2005-01-28 14:51:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
dude, seriously, did you get that shit scanned that i left at your desk? i need it by the end of the day.
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2005-01-28 14:37:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
not as funny as before, but Brian is one funny mofo.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-01-28 14:20:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
another, another...
pretty please with sugar on top
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-01-28 14:01:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
They weren't as funny as the other ones.
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2005-01-28 13:46:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny stuff. What the F is your position, and why do you work for people much dumber than you?
Oh wait, so do I!
Submitted by quack (user info) at 2005-01-28 13:42:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-01-28 13:38:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Joemama (user info) at 2005-01-28 13:09:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-01-28 13:08:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Actually HZRD, this is a website based on people leaving feedback for others, so I'm totally cool with it.
I'm glad I made you laugh out loud at an idiot customer.
Submitted by EbolaMay (user info) at 2005-01-28 13:08:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're my hero. I uv u.
Submitted by CJRipley (user info) at 2005-01-28 13:07:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love these!
Submitted by HZRD (user info) at 2005-01-28 13:02:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome as always.
---
Brdn_Nkd:
"I read this as a call came in to the helpdesk and laughed out loud in some user's ear. Thanks."
Weak. If anybody had the pleasure of listening to Opie and Anthony (New York and Boston area civillians, I'm looking at you), or has heard them on XM (I highly recommend it), you'd know they get this shit all the time: "DOOD! This is so f-ing funny! I almost droved off road and crash! Shut up!" or "My boss almost fired me beacue I laugh so hard it make customers angry! Thanks sooo much!" (Bad spelling intended). O + A's usual reposnse: "Thanks! [CLICK]....what an idiot."
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-01-28 13:00:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TabathaS. (user info) at 2005-01-28 12:56:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
"Do you think Eric could pull off being a Puerto Rican girl?"
I think he could.
---------------------------------------------
Yea, I think so too.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-01-28 12:59:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-01-28 12:31:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
When you're a jet, you're a jet all the way,
from your first cigarette, till your last dieing day....
----------------------------
When you're a Jet, if the spit hits the fan,
you got brothers around, you're a family man...
Hell yea, Bobby.
Submitted by TabathaS. (user info) at 2005-01-28 12:56:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Do you think Eric could pull off being a Puerto Rican girl?"
I think he could.
Submitted by Hadooken (user info) at 2005-01-28 12:51:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
funny stuff.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-01-28 12:50:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
To: Brian
From: Tom Sorrell
Subject: re: Tom
Look Boss, a person can learn to handle such things as seeing their dead grandmother crawling up their leg with a knife in her teeth. But no one should be asked to deal with what you've just asked me to do. Aside from everything you previously mentioned, that stock room also happens to be the reason Maurice Sendak wrote "Where the Wild Things Are."
--
To: Tom Sorrell
From: Brian
Subject: re: Tom
Clean the fucking room, pretty please with sugar on top, or I will strike down upon you with great vengence and furious anger.
I read this as a call came in to the helpdesk and laughed out loud in some user's ear. Thanks.
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2005-01-28 12:49:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
still funny
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-01-28 12:45:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by carolrichards (user info) at 2005-01-28 12:28:12 (#)
Ranking: 0
I wouldn't want to work with you.
-----
Good, have a nice life in your boring little world.
If I make everyone's day a bit more surreal, I have accomplished my mission.
Submitted by DirtySpoon (user info) at 2005-01-28 12:44:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This series has changed the way that I handle all of the
STUPID work emails I get. Please keep these coming.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2005-01-28 12:42:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dear Tom,
You rock.
Love,
Nerf
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-01-28 12:41:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Clean the fucking room, pretty please with sugar on top, or I will strike down upon you with great vengence and furious anger.
----
I love your boss.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-01-28 12:37:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-01-28 12:35:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Not as good as the others, but your boss' comment reminded me of my dad.
I don't know where he got this, but I am sure it came from somewhere. When I was little, I was facinated that my daddy knew all them there big words.
You have to say it really fast, or it looses all it's appeal.
I will pounce upon you with the speed and dexterity of a wildcat. Striking you about the head and the shoulders: thereupon rendering you unto unconciousness.
sigh.
it looses something in the translation.
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2005-01-28 12:33:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha you quoted Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-01-28 12:32:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Shenanigans!
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-01-28 12:31:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When you're a jet, you're a jet all the way,
from your first cigarette, till your last dieing day....
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-01-28 12:28:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
At least it sounds like your boss is cool.
Submitted by carolrichards (user info) at 2005-01-28 12:28:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I wouldn't want to work with you.