Too Drunk to Drive to Church? Let Mario Kart Decide! (1156 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.51 on 35 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by The Lone Stranger (View user info) at 2005-01-28 13:09:38 EST
During my teenage years, I lived alone with my dad. My dad was a helicopter pilot, and would be gone for weeks at a time.
On one fateful Sunday morning, when I was 16, I had to get up at 5:30 in the morning to drop my dad off at the hangar. He would be gone for two weeks. By the time I dropped him off and returned home, it was 7:00 a.m.
I was all awake and bored, so I went into the kitchen to pour a glass of OJ. Then it hit me. I was all alone, had plenty of OJ and my dad had plenty of vodka. Time for some Sunday morning Screwdrivers! I spent the next 2 hours making and drinking screwdrivers.
Like any paranoid teenager, I was careful to note the level of vodka, using the label as my guide, so I could refill the vodka bottle with water. It all tasted like ass anyway, so it's not like my dad would notice.
By 9:00 a.m. I was sitting on my bed in my tighty whities, drunk as shit, playing Mario Kart on the SNES. I was young and drunk and all alone. Feeling rather sociable at this point I decided I needed to find a party!
Alas, it was 9 on Sunday morning. Where could I find people to be sociable with?
Church! That's where!
My family didn't ever go to church, just me, so it wouldn't be strange for me to show up alone.
But then my conscience started acting up. I was drunk, only had my dad's car, and wasn't exactly experienced at drinking, driving, or drinking and driving (that would have to wait until college).
Damn. I really wanted to go be drunk and socialize with other people. How does a drunken 16 year old rationalize driving drunk to church?
By playing Mario Kart, that's how. It is a driving game after all, and between the red turtle shell homing missiles and Donkey Kong shitting bananas in my face, it had to be at least as hard as driving a real car.
I made a deal with myself - If I could beat the Star Cup 150cc class, then I was clearly sober enough to drive to church.
Being the Mario Kart badass that I was, I quickly mopped up the competition, and stood triumphantly on the 1st place block with that bloated fish blimp going into spastic convulsions overhead. It was raining stars!
I quickly dressed, hopped in my dad's prelude, and was off to church.
It wasn't nearly as fun as I thought it would be. It's no good being drunk and 16 when you can't let anyone know you are drunk. I mostly kept my mouth shut and drank the free OJ.
By the time the sermon started, I did what I normally did during church - a constant head-bobbing battle against sleep.
User Reviews
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2006-06-22 22:23:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hmmm....I dunno. Lack of emotion? It wasn't really an emotional time for me. More of a shell building period to shield me from the shitstorm that was my life at that point. I was avoiding emotion. The getting drunk was just me being me. I'm 28 now and I don't drink anymore.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-06-22 03:08:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's the lack of emotion. Despite the fact that there are the post talks about a young lad who misses his dad and turns to booze, his fathers booze no less, before seeking solace from his drunkeness and his lonliness in a church there is no mention whatsoever of feeling. That's really odd.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-06-22 03:05:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I kind of get the impression that this post sort of nails the cultural divide between europe and america. There are just so many inconcievable themes here. Don't get me wrong, I do think this all actually happened, it's just not something I can understand anyone ever doing.
It's the way it's told. I mean this sort of thing must obviously happen, kids rob their dads booze all the time and I'm sure there must be somebody in europe somewhere who goes to church even though none of their parents do not, it's just the way you've told it makes it seem completely absurd.
It's rather fascinating. I will consider the whys and the wherefores of this.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-06-22 02:47:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2006-02-09 21:46:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Beqver! FABSDA!
Submitted by pragmatic (user info) at 2006-02-09 21:21:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mario Kart!
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2006-02-09 21:01:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-02-09 20:34:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by benjamindover (user info) at 2005-01-28 16:07:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
personally, i chose to drive as the princess.. (Gave me a boner every time she got one of those turbo mushrooms and squeeled like a whore)
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+2 because I agree. If you're playing Double Dash and Peach is in the back, you can see up her dress when you use a mushroom, because she hangs on for dear life. To still get that chick screaming "woohoo bone me" effect, though, you need Daisy driving.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2006-02-09 20:20:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-02-09 20:06:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2005-05-25 18:52:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Stabkill: asshole.
Submitted by MyIdiom (user info) at 2005-05-25 00:04:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
again.
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2005-05-24 23:46:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2005-01-28 21:02:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2005-01-28 13:47:04 (#)
Ranking: 0
I agree. But, it's a true story, and that's how it happened.
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Ok, I also agree that it was lame. Half (see: All) of my true stories are lame too, so I usually just make something up right at the end.... something hilariously untrue, that I wish WAS true. That is what makes a grand story.
Nobody cares if it's true.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-01-28 16:08:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by FelizJbirth (user info) at 2005-01-28 14:20:32 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-01-28 14:15:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
Drunken Mario Kart sums up my first semester in the dorms.
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It's really sad how true that is for me for my first year of university. LSD and mario kart are a combination forever etched in my mind, for better or worse. (The funny shit is I made dean's list that year :)
Not the same here. I flunked Calculus and Chemistry 2 and had to spend another year in college because of it, but that year was worth it.
Submitted by benjamindover (user info) at 2005-01-28 16:07:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
personally, i chose to drive as the princess.. (Gave me a boner every time she got one of those turbo mushrooms and squeeled like a whore)
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2005-01-28 16:06:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by FelizJbirth (user info) at 2005-01-28 14:10:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for reminding me of all the time I wasted playing that sweet game...
Temptation to give -2 for going to church, but I can't do that. That would be wrong. I'm tolerant of other people's beliefs, see?
Besides if you drive drunk to church, it's almost like not going to church (if not better!). It would have been better if you went to church on LSD though. Try it this Sunday!
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FelizJbirth: I don't go to church anymore.
Here is my philosophy:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/39866
http://www.ubersite.com/m/39643
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2005-01-28 15:49:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-01-28 14:24:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
top notch I love that game...
who would you take?
Koopa was mine.
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I was all about Toad.
That little mushroom-headed faggot sure could power slide.
Submitted by scrumdown (user info) at 2005-01-28 15:11:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
As a conservative catholic, I nearly crapped my pants laughing from that. Dude, he-f'ing-larious.
Submitted by Hadooken (user info) at 2005-01-28 14:57:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yes, its a screwdriver. any other drinking questions about drinking feel free to ask me, your local boozer.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-01-28 14:50:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-01-28 14:49:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
great fucking story.
is "screwdriver" the correct term for that??? i'm ignorant when it comes to drink names because i only drink tequila. i asked a bartender for some OJ and vodka. after about 5 of them, i asked her if there was a name for it (or should i just keep calling it OJ and vodka). she said there was no such name. bitch.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-01-28 14:24:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
top notch I love that game...
who would you take?
Koopa was mine.
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-01-28 14:21:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have gone for the triple crown, drunk, driving, passed out and snoring in the pew.
Submitted by FelizJbirth (user info) at 2005-01-28 14:20:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-01-28 14:15:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
Drunken Mario Kart sums up my first semester in the dorms.
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It's really sad how true that is for me for my first year of university. LSD and mario kart are a combination forever etched in my mind, for better or worse. (The funny shit is I made dean's list that year :)
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-01-28 14:15:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Drunken Mario Kart sums up my first semester in the dorms.
Submitted by FelizJbirth (user info) at 2005-01-28 14:10:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for reminding me of all the time I wasted playing that sweet game...
Temptation to give -2 for going to church, but I can't do that. That would be wrong. I'm tolerant of other people's beliefs, see?
Besides if you drive drunk to church, it's almost like not going to church (if not better!). It would have been better if you went to church on LSD though. Try it this Sunday!
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2005-01-28 14:09:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this is very funny, I love Mario Kart
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-01-28 14:08:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like to drink. +1
I like church. +1
I like Mario Kart. +1
But only Mario Kart 64. -1
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. . . . . . . . . . +2
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2005-01-28 13:58:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I can relate to that .
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-01-28 13:52:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2005-01-28 13:47:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I agree. But, it's a true story, and that's how it happened.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-01-28 13:38:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This started so good... and then....it just.....pffffffffffffffffffffffffffftttttttttttttttttttt
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-01-28 13:11:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Ooooo-kay.
Submitted by Hadooken (user info) at 2005-01-28 13:11:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
!