My roomate (1006 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 0.58 on 34 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Bob Polly <tpx187.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2003-03-25 04:27:21 EST
With all of this talk of war and all of the crappy posts I thought it would be time to break out the good shit. All of this is true, 100% true. I live in the dorms of Northren Illinois U. I had a random roomate selected for me. BIG MISTAKE! The day I moved in and met this fellow I was high as a mother fucker. When introduced myself I was met with the highest voice I have ever heard, ever. My roomates voice is so high I had to hide my face from laughing at him. He is the exact opposite of me. On his neatly made bed lie Care Bears and stuffed animals. Above his computer is a poster of Janet Jackson, his favorite musican. I hate fuckin pop music, while he adores it. I was forced to wacth the Michael Jackson speical. I dont give a fuck about Michael Jackson or what he has been up to over the last few years since raping lil kids. Why didnt I leave the room? It was like watching an accident... I couldnt turn my head. My roomate has a "girlfriend" But i secretly think he is gay. How can he not be?? With all of the crap that I see everyday he has to be. My favorite party trick is to let people call my room to listen to his voice. I have recived calls where people say "uhh i was callin to hear your roomates voice", so I have to hang up and let it ring again so they can be amused. To top it off he loves to wacth Entertainment Tonight. I dont give a fuck about what stars are dating each other. I dont get to wacth SportCenter every night cause he doesnt like sports. He knows nothing about sports. I'm not sayin that everyone should, but when he doesn't even know what March Madness is...GOD! I couldnt even wacth the games the other night cause a re-run of Friends was on. And the last thing about my "male" roomate is this... he takes 25 fuckin minuets every night to get ready for bed. He spends all this time in the bathroom clensing his face, washing his face, and prepping for bed. I take a piss and take out my contacts, and sometimes even that is too much. How the fuck could anyone spend 25 mins in the bathroom getting ready for bed and call himself a man??
These are just a few of the things that make me mad everyday. I have millions of examples of him being a womem. But yet he is living with me in this crappy dorm room, I'm suprised I haven't killed him yet.
Bobbs
Ps His girlfriend is a stupid bitch to top it off. When i pass her in the hall she looks down and walks pass, she doesn't even have the fuckin nerve to say hi, even though I have been nothing but nice to the both of them. I seriously need a drink, but alas school work is much more important to me at this juncture...God I hate my roomate.
User Reviews
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2003-03-28 19:52:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I think that you never truely know someone until you have been forced to live with them. I had a roommate my first year of college. It wasn't bad. We basically acted like the oher didn't exist. We didn't not get along, but we didn't get along either - just completely different people. I am now living with a friend who needed a place to live for a while. I thought that whe was a nice, clean, considerate person until she moved in. Now she is a bitchy, dirty, rude, cheap neurotic. I can't wait until she moves out. I find myself bitching about her constantly but keep a happy demeanor around her to make life survivable. She is gone in a few months. It isn't worth the extra money - I can handle the mortgage on my own if I have to. I have to get back to my solitary life - me and my dog.
Submitted by osirisdionysus <trhollan.at.vt.edu> at 2003-03-27 00:48:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
my roomate is from france.....nuff said.
Submitted by TheMan (user info) at 2003-03-26 22:10:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Loren is without a doubt correct when she says roommates are the worst. I will never have a roommate again, haven't for many years. I too would rather live constantly broke to pay for the mortgage than live with someone else.
And damn you yidele for using my favorite word 'quagmire'. I was going to work that into a post tonight, but now I must wait a bit and allow yours some breathing room. I love to use the word at work when someone's got something all screwed up, as in "My, that's quite the quagmire of fuck you've got going on there." Sometimes I'll interchange the word with 'cornucopia'. It usually does an excellent job of describing the situation.
Submitted by yidele (user info) at 2003-03-26 14:15:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I once had a pair of gay roommates. They were a couple of typical 80's lesbians - the Butch was a service manager for a business I'd previously worked for & the fem was a hulking brute of an ex-dancer with some sort of glandular disorder which appeared in early twenties & caused her to put on lots of weight.
In my life there have been a few incidents which at first seemed totaly trivial but later turned out to have deep, almost metaphysicval meaning. In this case, an 18 wheeler truckfull of kitty litter absorbent was accidentaly dumped on our front lawn. Within minutes it started to rain like it can only in Houston. The kitty litter absorbed water quickly & turned into a quagmire of chalky gray clay which solidified into a concrete-like shell by next noon. The spill looked like some alien, malignant, giant amoeba trying desperately to hump our gas meter. Within 2 months I was forced by circumstance to move out of our little nest & I can't escape the conclusion that if I'd paid more attention to the alien amoeba sodomizing our front lawn, I'd have known of this before hand & could have made alternate plans.
Then again, I could be wrong.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2003-03-26 13:37:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Not including living w/boyfriends, I've lived w/5 male and 1 female roomy at different times, (some overlapping others) for 9 years until - thankfully and mercifully - I was able to buy my own place.
The worst one was Joey, he was fat, ugly, and covered w/tattoos, but that's not the bad part, he never cleaned a thing. EVER. I gave up on him after about a year, and just raised his rent instead. He was a big fan of candles, and would often burn candles that smelled like cat urine or dirty socks. I didn't get it. I still don't. That fucker still owes me $200 to this day. I think I'll pay him a visit.
I can't tell all of you that still live with roommates (and you teenagers that have yet to) how much better it is to live alone. I could never imagine having to live w/someone again, let alone pay rent. I won't even GET INTO dealing w/landlords, been through 5 of them too. I don't care if I live paycheck to paycheck to cover the mortgage. It's so friggin' worth it.
God I'm bored today. I know what I just wrote is boring too. Fuck it. I'm going to take a nap in my car.
Loren
Submitted by sky (user info) at 2003-03-26 12:11:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i think chink is such an offensive term. woah. that rhymed.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2003-03-26 03:43:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
LMFAO
My first semester, my roomate was a cool guy, by most standards. We didn't get along, though.
My second semester, Jesus... Imagine a fat chink who can barely seak English, snores in an extremely disturbing manner, is extremely boring, and has no social life. Now multiply that by a magnitude of 10. There's my 2nd semester room mate.
Submitted by tpx187 (user info) at 2003-03-26 02:43:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I will never confront anyone about their sexuality. Its just not right. Besides that would require talkin about feelings and such, and I'm not big into that crap. And damnit I would have to punch him in the face for living with me. I think he like Bette Middler, I wouldnt doubt it, his all time favorite moive is Moulin Rouge... does that tell you anything? Hes talk to his girl about audry hepburn right now... such and easy time to kill
Bobbs
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2003-03-26 01:10:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
...and then you will be able to get a blow job and relax.
Submitted by TheMan (user info) at 2003-03-25 22:38:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Does your roommate listen to Bette Middler or the Indigo Girls? I think you should just confront him about it. Ask him if anyone has ever accused him of being gay before. Tell him that it's ok if he is. He needs your support. Help him take those first few steps out of the closet. He'll feel much better about himself, and he'll be able to loose the fake girlfriend.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2003-03-25 22:31:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
hahahahahahaha. sorry, Bob. but you knew SOMEONE was going to say something about your roommate. he's GOT to be gay!
Submitted by TheMan (user info) at 2003-03-25 22:30:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Come on Bob, everyone knows that denial is the first sign.
Submitted by tpx187 (user info) at 2003-03-25 22:26:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bastards, that will never happen! NEVER NEVER NEVER!! college is for experimenting, but with drugs not guys
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2003-03-25 22:17:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Submitted by TheMan (user info) at 2003-03-25 22:13:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Yeah Hidden. I can see it now. Bob comes back from rugby practice, his roomy is in the room, cleaning, wearing nothing but an apron and a feather duster in his ass. "Hi sweety, how was practice? Can I give you a footrub? Lie down and we'll watch Oprah."
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2003-03-25 22:02:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
TheMan- hahahahahahahaha. yeah, i bet his roommate is having a cup of tea with his other gay friends right now and saying, "Bob say he's not gay, but i'm going to see if a few beers and a backrub can fix that!"
Submitted by TheMan (user info) at 2003-03-25 21:47:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ah, I think I detect love in the air. It won't be long, then next thing you know, you and your roommate will be taking long hot showers together and picking out china patterns. They say all of college is an experimental stage, so have fun.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
Submitted by tpx187 (user info) at 2003-03-25 21:19:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
OH and he owns the TV, he shares, but since we dont have the same interests so the sharing thing is hard..way to hard
Submitted by tpx187 (user info) at 2003-03-25 21:18:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ill do my best to get some pics up, cause really no one believes me about this until they see it for themselves. It is in fact all too real to me everyday. But...I have been thinkin about more shit that piisses me off that he does. And guess what?? I remembered more! Well, his favorite shows are Oprah, Will and Grace, and Friends. Hmmm... wierd? I dont know about you guys but I find this wierd. But tonight hes wacthing the Celien Dion speical on CBS. All I wanted to do was wacth 24 tonight before I studyed for my big test tomorrow, now I am posting more shit instead. I wish I could just slap him around, and I would, but the fact is I am way to nice. The kid is 5'6" 140 lbs, I on the other hand am 6' 230 lbs and I play rugby. I dont know who would win the fight, I dont think it would be fair.
I am way to nice of a guy to say anything, I dont know why, sometimes I wish I was a dick.
Oh, and by the way, hes 21 and for his 21st birthday he sat in the fuckin room!! I dont know what other people do for thier 21sts, but my plan is that I am goin to Vegas and I am gettin fucked up, BIG TIME!!!!
One night we were wacthing a Dateline specail (his choice once again) and they were talkin about parties that teens go to. They talkd about a party that had underage drinkin and the party also had weed. He said to me and I quote "I dont remeber any parties like that in highschool". WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT??!! EVERY party I went to had that, and if it didnt then it wasnt a party, it was just people hangin out and that my friends is not a party. They also talked about people stayin out till 2am, and he said, and once again I am quoting, "if i came back at that time my mom would kill me" WHAT THE FUCK!!! HES 21!! How the fuck can he still have a curfew??!!? Good god this kid has be sheltered.
I smoke pot a lot, and I keep it in the room and I'll go out and get high and come back in and he has no idea that I'm high. Lord knows everyone can smell it on me, but he has no idea. Good god sometimes I wish I had a gun. Then I would be much more happy.
Also, if I had a sister I'm sure she would be 100x cooler than this 'mo.
~~Bobbs
Submitted by TheMan (user info) at 2003-03-25 20:24:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Bob, very funny post.
Can you maybe record a bit of him saying something, and put a link up in here? We want to hear the girly man that is making your life hell. Just one thing though. Why don't you slap the little bitch around and watch Sportscenter? Does he own the TV? So what. He should learn how to share.
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2003-03-25 18:18:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Please, please, please post a picture of the Care Bears.
I'll pay you.
Submitted by PeopleAreStrange (user info) at 2003-03-25 18:02:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Jess, do what she says. Don't turn on the light. Open the curtains wide on a nice bright sunshiney morning & if she is a vampire she'll turn to dust and if not, she can't complain cos the lamp stayed off! If she does bitch it will prove what a moron she is. You're too nice to her and no way should you have cleaned up her puke.
Stand up to Drusilla, you can do it.
Submitted by jjgoreha (user info) at 2003-03-25 17:48:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Ha! That's nothing! My room mate last year and I had very, very different schedules. I was out the door for 8:30 every morning, she got up at 3 in the afternoon. I got home at 9 after a late day of schoolwork, and was to bed by sometime after midnight. She stayed up until 3 in the morning doing work. One day she tells me "Jess, I'd really appreciate it if you wouldn't turn on any lights in the morning when you get up. It wakes me up." Fuck you, I say! First of all, I barely turned on the lights- I turned on one small lamp, the kind with the flexy neck. I turned it so it was facing away from her, turned it on long enough to make sure my clothes matched/weren't dirty, and turned it off as soon as I could. Second of all... get up in the fucking morning like a regular person! I think she was a vampire, she was completely nocturnal.
That's pretty much all I got... no, wait, it isn't. The night before she has to take her manditory first aid training so she could be an RA this year, she goes out drinking. She gets up for her class at 7 am on a saturday, and pukes all over the floor and her bed and our floor mat and everything. She doesn't clean it up, and takes off for the class (still drunk, I'd like to add. What a great RA she's going to be...). She expected me to LIVE IN PUKE! I had so much to do that weekend, I had to stay in and do work... I'm the best room mate in the world, I cleaned up her fucking vomit because i couldn't stand to look at it.
Submitted by PeopleAreStrange (user info) at 2003-03-25 17:24:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I bet you thought you'd not have to share your room with your sister anymore when you moved out of home Bob.
So you're living with a boy-girl. Enjoy. Best of both worlds!
Submitted by Murphy1844 (user info) at 2003-03-25 14:09:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No... I think Sky's roomie takes the cake. That was pretty funny, sky.
Murphy
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2003-03-25 13:34:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
it's still better than having rap music blaring in your ears 24/7...
Submitted by catscradle (user info) at 2003-03-25 13:26:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Jesus sky, that could be the worst room mate I've ever heard of.
Submitted by sky (user info) at 2003-03-25 13:16:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
My one roommate was about 5'3" and close to 300 lbs I bet. She would sit around eating apple fritters all day long and watching "My Best Friend's Wedding" while playing with her pet hedgehog. I was allergic to the pine shavings in the hedgehog's cage so I spent the whole month or two that I lived there sick. She had one friend with a hyena laugh who would come over and also watch "My Best Friend's Wedding".
Worse though, was the obsession she had with me and my friends. Since she had no life of her own she lived vicariously through me, learning all my friends names and trying to learn every little detail about them. She would lean over and try to read my chat messages while I was IMing and quiz me about the details of them. I would stay out until like 2 or 3am when the coffee shop closed and walk home only to see that our light was on....I would come in, but by the time I got upstairs she'd be pretending to be asleep (she was friggin WAITING UP FOR ME). She was a vet school major and would tell me stories about shoving her hands up a cow's ass. She didn't want a car in Ithaca, New York because she was scared of 'city driving'. She was a second semester senior who had transferred in her first semester junior year and had FIVE different roommates in those four semesters.
I couldn't deal with her after a month and plead mental and physical disability to get a room closer to campus. It worked. Apparently, after getting her bachelors, she went and got an associates? Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that order a little screwed?
anywho. yikes.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2003-03-25 13:03:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh god... i could have only been so lucky... MY roomate in school bought the biggest damn subwoofer he could find, and blared "gangsta rap" DAY AND NIGHT. yes, that's right, he fell asleep to it. when i thought he was asleep, i would turn it off. then he would sleepwalk over to the stereo and turn it right back on. yeah, i would love to have your guy over my "gangsta" roomate. rap music.... rap music 24/7 for 12 weeks of my life....
anyway, this post was really refreshing. i thank you, Bob. you have no idea how grateful i am for finally having something enjoyable to read on Ubersite while at work. i'm so tired of hearing about Saddam....
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2003-03-25 12:13:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
So you complain and complain about how womanly he is and then spend some time telling us how he pushes you around and gets his way in everything... Entertainment Tonight over SportsCenter etc.
Are you sure that somewhere, secretly, deep down, you aren't wishing that he would "dominate" you even further?
Submitted by Murphy1844 (user info) at 2003-03-25 11:45:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
My random roommate in college was an oager named Tim. Every weekend, or on occasional weekdays, he'd drink about a 1/5 of hard A. Then he would grab his guitar and *try* singing Dave Matthews at the top of his wretched lungs before he passed out in his own vomit. One time he flipped out and torn up pillows leaving feathers and broken shit all over the place. We constantly got noise violations. I'd be thankful to have a roomie like this.
Murphy
Submitted by dpcoe (user info) at 2003-03-25 10:57:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
So Apt.
To alcohol! The cause of -- and solution to -- all of life's problems!
-- Homer Simpson
Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2003-03-25 10:48:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Try to view this experience as just that. Experience. When you are married you'll be that much more prepared to live with a woman.
Seriously, would you rather live with a manly football fan who also happened to be a fat, fart-stained dirtbag with yellow teeth and toxic body odor? Don't look a gift horse in the mouth :-)
Loren
Submitted by sasker (user info) at 2003-03-25 09:32:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
ah a little drinking and school work never hurt.