Parental Pornography - Strange Love (4) (3603 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.98 on 36 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Smurfs (View user info) at 2005-01-28 15:33:10 EST
There is that one person in everyone's life that was just a sexual dynamo. The girl who could handle five-hour marathon sex sessions simultaneously twisting her body in fourteen different positions with such double jointed agility that your could only marvel and hang on for dear life. That girl whose mouth would have put a sailor to shame and whose unbridled lust put her on a collision course with nymphomania and sex addiction.
If you haven't found this partner yet... wait, be patient. You will.
The question you need to ask yourself though... is where is all that coming from?
Case Study 4:
Samantha
A five-foot tall bundle of energy that channeled itself into pure sexual desire. This lust was tempered with a pseudo-Catholic upbringing that created just enough guilt that she had a steady string of monogamous relationships.
They lasted until she tired the poor boys out.
Or scared them off.
Curly brown hair to her shoulders, almond shaped green eyes, and a dimple in her chin. That girl who you can't help think is innocent, even after you break the tiles in the wall of the shower with her back and watch the tub turn red as blood gets washed from her claw marks across your back.
1) The Apple doesn't all far from the Tree
We were at her parents house, a cute Victorian nestled into the woods of Long Island. From conversation I had gathered her parents were reformed hippies who had come to a rather casual understanding with God. They'll respect him if he leaves them the fuck alone.
This means while the daughter gets sent to Catholic School, she's told there is no need for her to attend church.
She does anyway. Every Sunday.
This particular day is a Saturday, and the reason I'm at her parents house is because after a relentless month of pressuring... I've agreed to attend a mass with her at her hometown church. Apparently Father Dean will convert me with the power off a thousand angels, heavenly light, some cherubs, and a Jesus or two.
No one fucks with De-Jesus!
We're cuddled on the couch in her living room chatting. She's telling me how beautiful the Church is and how amazing mass is, the community, the psalms... I'm trying to make her understand that if I touch the holy water I'm going to get a third degree burn.
It's not that I'm EVIL... It just have a sordid history with the Catholic church that includes some desecration, a lot of blasphemy, being kick out of teaching religious education classes... etcetera.
Father it's been fifteen years since my last confession.
After much rolling of the eyes she gives up, telling me I'll see tomorrow, but why don't I find a movie to watch for the rest of the night. It's late and she doesn't feel like driving.
Crawling on my hands and knees under the television I flip through enough John Hughes films to choke a junior high gym teacher, until near the back of the pile I find a copy of the Princess Bride.
INCONCEIVABLE!
Giddy like a grade school girl after her first orgasm, or Jesus when Bush was elected I showed her the tape, near busting with anticipation. 'This is one of the greatest movies of all time. Wesley! Buttercup! Humperdink! R.O.U.S's! Iocaine!'
She stared at me.
'You... you... don't know this movie?'
She shakes her head and I only nod sadly and kiss her, groping her breast, 'There's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. It would be a pity to damage yours.'
'Are you quoting the movie?'
'...Possibly?'
'You're such a dork.'
'Hush and enjoy.'
I pop the video in and flounce down on the couch next to her. Yes, I flounced. I was giddy remember?
She snuggles into my side and the video starts with... a moan?
A naked breast?
Static footage?
A plump thigh?
A balding head?
A-
'Oh My GOD THAT'S MY FATHER!' She screams.
Beneath my belt my penis shrivels and dies.
Franticly I'm searching for the remote that she knocked from the couch as the undulating bodies of her parents filled the screen.
Then... we are in her parent's house... screaming and moaning?
The living room light flicks on. Her father is in the doorframe, his eyes bouncing between the television and us.
My penis is now limping from the floor towards the door.
He walks over to us and sits between us on the coach, his elbows resting on his knees. 'Where did you find this,' he asks, with his voice of mixing cement.
'It was in the cabinet sir,' I meekly respond, 'Just let me turn it off.' I go to get up, but his meaty paw lands on my knee.
'That's okay Mike... this is natural beauty. You kids could learn something.'
His daughter has her eyes so tightly shut they are disappearing into her head.
The first minute is awful. His warm palm making my leg sticky as his wife breathes between gasps on the television. The second minute I'm starting to relax. The third... and nature takes over.
'That's quite an erection you have there Mike.'
My life is flashing before my eyes. His wife is being, Sam's mom, is being taken from behind.
'My daughter must be a lucky girl.'
I freak out.
'HOLY FUCKING SHIT THIS IS INSANE' I scream, my voice an octave higher than normal. I'm breathing heavy and sweating.
'What?' he asks, his other hand resting on his daughters leg. 'Sex is a beautiful experience.'
'That's her fucking MOM! That's your WIFE man!'
'So?'
'I can't take this, I'm leaving-'
'You sure? We used to swap... would you like a go? She's sleeping but...'
The rest was lost as I slammed the door behind me, jacket forgotten. I ran the half hour to my house.
I'm supposed to see The Princess Bride tonight down in the village... I'm already getting nauseous.
------------------------------------------------
http://www.ubersite.com/m/57051 - Cuddling Crustaceans - Strange Love (1)
http://www.ubersite.com/m/57246 - The safety word is... 'Soap' - Strange Love (2)
http://www.ubersite.com/m/57675 - If conversations could kill - Strange Love (3)
User Reviews
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2007-04-17 18:31:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahahaaah
Submitted by compEngineer0 (user info) at 2006-08-10 10:20:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wow
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-19 04:34:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
There are a solid four pages of +2 streaks with 30 or more reviews. That is stupid. I am weeding it all out by giving every one of them a +1; that way posts that have 1.99 with 200+ reviews gets best ever.
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2005-08-27 17:27:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, my...
Submitted by Jungle_Jimanee (user info) at 2005-03-10 05:41:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by PokerIsMyLife (user info) at 2005-03-10 05:25:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-02-17 16:03:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by X_ild (user info) at 2005-02-16 15:27:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by bossk (user info) at 2005-01-31 16:27:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dammit, I thought this was preNATAL pornography. Oh well, +2 anyway.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-01-31 16:14:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2005-01-30 11:16:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-01-30 10:45:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SundanceKid (user info) at 2005-01-29 15:32:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Whatever the most awesome word for awesome is, is what this post is.
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2005-01-29 07:21:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No..no..no... but YES!
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2005-01-29 07:10:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-01-29 05:12:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think you're lying, but what the fuck...
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-01-29 04:41:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-01-29 04:38:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2005-01-28 16:04:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
'You sure? We used to swap... would you like a go? She's sleeping but...'
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A ha ha ha ha... That's quite an erection you've got there.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-01-29 04:25:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
uuuuh...
woah.
Submitted by Grin (user info) at 2005-01-28 19:34:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh Jeepers H Christmas. That's just wrong!
What happened to Samantha?
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-01-28 18:14:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
These posts are goddamn great.
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2005-01-28 17:09:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hmmm...was she a MILF?
Submitted by Smurfs (user info) at 2005-01-28 16:45:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2005-01-28 16:33:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
this made visions of my mother-in-law flutter though my head.
---------------------------------
I think the question is... why did a post that deals with sex with our elders and watching them copulate... MAKE you think of your mother-in-law?
I totally never knew you were married
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-01-28 16:41:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this is just wrong
oh so wrong
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2005-01-28 16:33:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this made visions of my mother-in-law flutter though my head.
i fucking hate you now... you know the depressed middle eastern tow truck driver guy on mad tv? ever heard about his mother-in-law? NOTHING compared to my mother-in-law... i think my penis may never grow back. damn you to hell.
Submitted by bossk (user info) at 2005-01-28 16:24:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That ain't nice.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-01-28 16:18:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
anybody wanna peanut?
great post
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-01-28 16:16:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy Fucking shit, this was great!
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2005-01-28 16:04:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
'You sure? We used to swap... would you like a go? She's sleeping but...'
Submitted by siervua (user info) at 2005-01-28 16:04:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-01-28 15:51:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No more rhymes, I mean it!
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2005-01-28 15:50:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yes
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-01-28 15:47:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude...
That's on Friday Midnight Theatre at the Esquire here in Denver, and a few of us were going to go watch.
Asshole. Now I'll think of this.
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-01-28 15:44:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm still laughing about your penis limping for the door.
Submitted by Allicat (user info) at 2005-01-28 15:41:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
aaaahahahahahahahahaha
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-01-28 15:38:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh dear lord. You should sue them for ruining a great movie for you.