no more fiction: just plain old whining. (687 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: uber
Rating: 1.75 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Corn Nugget (View user info) at 2005-01-28 20:48:45 EST
I don't think I'm ever going to stop losing my hair. I lose a little bit at a time... so I always have this halo of fuz around my scalp.
But there is something worse: Grey hair. Many grey hairs. I don't know if it's from stress (this has been the most stressful 3 months of my life), or old age. I'm oddly proud of these few hairs. Once I spot them, I pluck them out, admire them, and drop them in the sink.
I guess I want grey hair? Why in the world would I WANT grey hair? Does it have some deep meaning for me? Does it connote wisdom?
I ran out of Zoloft the other day, and it took me two days to get a refill. The outcome? Non-stop crying. I'm kinda worried about a possible dependancy issue... if I miss a day or two, I feel TERRIBLE. EVERYTHING goes wrong.
What went wrong this time? I felt some huge animocity/aversion towards Chris, which he obviously picked up on. He ended up coming to my house at 3am, drunk as hell, which caused quite a fight. It's been three days, and we haven't talked.
(oh wait, who's Chris? He's a guy I lived with when I was 18-20, we broke up 6 years ago, he moved to Colorado. Just a few months ago we happened to cross paths again, and hanging out turned into dating, and now we've been dating for 3 months. He has a good heart, he's honest, handsome, smart, etc...)
At work, I started crying for "no reason". There were actually pleanty of reasons... I was thinking about dad, I was tired, I was stressed because of all my bills, I was thinking about moving, I was pissed at Chris, I hated myself, etc...
So I left early. I switched shifts with a co-worker, and left. I didn't think this was a huge problem- I had the shift covered, and I wasn't being productive.
Apparently I was wrong. It was a big deal. I got a lot of shit about it when I got to work the next day.
Now that I'm back on my medication schedule, I'm fine.
You wouldn't believe how much I sleep, though. I can go to bed at 10 or 11, wake up at 5 or 6 to go to work... come home at 4, take a two hour nap, and go back to bed at 10. That's 10 hours a day, on average. If I have the day off, or I work late, I will sleep in until 10 or 11 am... and that's after going to bed around 11 or 12. I can still fit a nap in if I'm bored.
Christy (my sister) said she got a ton of tests done, thyroid, la la la, I forget the rest- and she recommended that I do the same. I know I have a lot of problems, but I'm afraid it's all psychological.
My mom always had problems similar to these. On top of the hereditary predisposition to mental disorders (such as depression, bi-polar, pmdd), I have a long-standing history of emotional problems.
I remember being little, and having a terrible fear of death and eternity. I'd crawl into bed with dad, and cry for hours while he talked to me about angels. Is this a normal thing for 5-10 year olds to deal with? On top of that, I've always had low self-esteem.
It scares me to no end to know that I may always have problems, mentally. I've been emotionally unstable for as long as I can remember.
Sometimes I'm depressed, crying, sad, focusing on every negative thing I can find, and creating more problems than really exist. Then, not a week later, I'll feel giggly. I'll be unable to hide my smiles. I'll feel giddy. The smallest thing will make me burst out, laughing. I fall in love with the world. I thank the god that I'm not sure I believe in. Then, that eventually slows down, and I feel normal for a little while. I'm just me for a few weeks... and then THAT slows down, and I get depressed. I lay on the floor, staring at the cieling, thinking about death. I remind myself of how terrible I am, and I cry. It's a cycle I've endured every month, for at least 10 years.
It's almost normal now- to be on this roller-coaster. The Zoloft dulls all of it. Yes, it eleviates my depression, which I am gratefull for (I don't know if I would have survived without it), but it also eleviates my elation. I miss that. I miss being crazy and outrageous and over the top.
But shit, I've posted about this a million times before. Lets get some new content in here:
Aj is gay.
User Reviews
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2005-04-07 03:56:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh. You figured it out so young because you're brilliant, obviously.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-01-28 23:44:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Your last comment sounded frighteningly familiar. I shall leave this thread at once.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-01-28 23:35:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel kinda bad for you. It sounds like you're bipolar, or at least cyclothymic, which is like bipolarism jr.
I recommend exercise and taking part in activities that you find soothing and reasuuring, whatever those might be to you.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-01-28 23:32:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't you think I've TRIED?
Just this last episode... Like with you... I avoided the situation (logged off) before I blew up. BECAUSE I knew my anger was irrational, and my ONLY solution was to log out.
With my boss- I had to leave work before I blew up.
With my boyfriend- I had to kick him out before I blew up.
THAT was controling the situation... waht I wanted to do (and what I would have done in the past, when I felt the way I was feeling) was to blow up, tell everyone to fuck off, and then extrapolate on how much they were bothering me, etc...
That's how I feel when I'm not on medication. When I'm ON it, I'm calm, I can see what people mean, where they are coming from, and I can communicate.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-01-28 23:27:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sufficient "amounts of trying" can ease or reverse your condition then.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-01-28 23:24:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I can see that medicine is a crutch... without it I'm fucked. It's NOT a permanant fix.
What is? I dont know. Therapy?
I HOPE that I'm not always dependant on a drug. I plan (uhhh eventually) to see a therapist.
As it is, this problem is a nightmare... and drugs are an easy out.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-01-28 23:20:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I saw a documentary about it in which they said that it was reversible with proper measures. That medication was only a temporary crutch. I also think it's possible since most part of the world don't have access to this and have a lower suicide rate than we do. But then again, I'm not a doctor.
I was just asking munkey if it was 100% sure she was bound to be *always* dependent of prozac. If there are no other way out.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-01-28 23:12:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Caul- no amount of TRYING can help if something is chemically wrong with your brain.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-01-28 23:07:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"I will always be dependent on prozac."
---
I thought it could be healed naturally, with much much effort of course.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-01-28 23:03:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have hereditary bipolarism. I will always be dependent on prozac. When I miss a few
doses I become someone else. Small things like lost keys or someone saying something
I don't like it will set me off. I have anxiety attackes... my throat closes up.. i get a 'crawling out of my skin feeling" and I feel like lashing out. Over the smallest things. SUddenly the smallest things become "my life is horrible, the world is against me and i was to kill myself"
I become a person I am not. Some days I do not want to talk to ANYONE. I just
want to curl up on my bed and cry.
I know the feeling and it is awful.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-01-28 22:19:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Eeep. I'm glad I don't get that.
Hit me up some time, we'll chat.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2005-01-28 22:14:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Who is this Aj?
Is that short for something?
Ajablaham?
Or do you mean AJ?
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-01-28 22:03:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Caul, it does help. The one time we've talked when I wasn't on it... well, you remember what happened the other day.
I wasn't on it.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-01-28 21:54:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
this story is pathetic
are you sure medication helps?
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-01-28 21:34:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
and shitfuck, you fucking cock, why aren't you on AIM?
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-01-28 21:33:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Shitfuck, I can't get off of it. I've been on it for about a year, and it's helped me a lot. I was suicidal before... seriously, I can't bare not to be on it.
Durae... I don't even know where my fear came from. I wasn't exposed to death at a young age, and I have no idea how my young mind realized WHAT eternity was. How'd I figure it out so young?
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2005-01-28 21:15:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can relate to this and so I don't really know what to say.
A friend of mine told me about his childhood fear of death too. It's really strange that some children deal with such big issues. When he was two he would cry to his mom about it and up until he was nine he would obsess over dying before falling asleep. Infinity and death are pretty scary things.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-01-28 21:15:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
GET OFF ZOLOFT...NOW.
Hey, give me the name and phone number of your boss or whomever gave you shit--I have a universe worth of hate to throw at ANY mega corp, and when some pencil dicked, balding go nowhere, average schmuck, fat bellied goddamned corporate cocksucking flunky feels the need to show off his/her 'power' I'm more than able (and willing) to reduce that kind of waste of skin to tears and misery and shame.
Let me at him.
He'll never know it was because of you.
Corrine it's not you that's fucked, it's the world. It seems like everybody on earth will say that, but when it comes down to it, whos got the guts to do something about. No one. Fucking goddamn cattle, I wish there were a hundred Auscwitz's for all the goddamned stupid people, christians, moroms, muslims and whatever the fuck else. Kill em all, they're wrecking the gene pool.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-01-28 21:06:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Medicate less. Write more. Get things out of your system.
And if the hair goes, remember that some guys find bald chicks hot.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-01-28 20:49:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
oh, to clarify on the hairloss issue. I still HAVE hair, but a little at a time is always falling out, so my hair looks perfectly normal, but then if you get up close on a day that I forget to put gel or moouse in it, you can see the fuzzies.
I swear, I'm not bald.