You can lose the weight, but not the pain (1135 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.83 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by voytek_dolinski.at.yahoo.ca (View user info) at 2005-01-28 22:25:42 EST
I don't know why I've decided to write about this now of all times. I mean, it's been years since I was the person that differed so much than the person I am now. For some reason, tonight I just want to dig down deep and explore what happened to me in Grade 12 and how it resulted in a change that ultimately affected my life.
Let me just make it clear what I'm talking about...at the start of Grade 12 I was about 5 feet, 5 inches and 210 pounds. I was the fattest person in all of my classes by a long shot. All I can say is that those who were fat in school know what I'm talking about as far as what it's like...it's not overdramatic or anything, it's just like you're always putting up a front, trying to act like someone you're not just because you're fat.
When you're fat, the freedom you have to be yourself is restricted. When you want to cover up what others see on the outside, you try and project an image that's ultimately not you. I tried to be funny a lot of the times, and it worked. I was kind of popular, but it wasn't really the popularity that I wanted. It's the kind of feeling that you're just making a spectacle of yourself that everyone is amused by, like some sort of circus. You make the girls laugh, but when you try to get the girl she turns you down and acts like you don't exist. On the other hand, the biggest nerd in the class had the freedom to make fun of you to no extent with a barrage of shitty fat jokes that provided laughter among friends and schoolmates to no end.
For some reason two months into 12th Grade a bizarre revelation hit me, and it had nothing to do with my personal health. It had everything to do with my image. I heard a song by Jewel called 'Fat Boy' and it reminded me of myself so much. Especially the opening verse:
Fat boy
Goes to the pool
Sees his reflection
Doesn't know what to do
He feels little inside
And filled with pride
Oh, fragile flame
No one feels the same
This just reminded me all too much of what I had become. Someone who was obviously fat but figured he looked tough and muscular as opposed to the fat slob that everyone else saw. So, I decided to do something about it. Every night, I exercised on a stationary bike for 30 minutes while playing video games like Gameboy to distract myself from the physical pain I was enduring. I also became extremely picky about what I ate-I said bye to the McDonalds and Dunkin Donuts, as well all the snacks and desserts I was accustomed to and replaced them with a barrage of apples and other assorted fruit.
I started to lose a lot of weight, and was getting support from everyone I knew. However, my mom and dad were concerned I was becoming anorexic and obsessive with becoming light.
By the end of Grade 12, I was a very lean 150 pounds, but I was dying on the inside. You'd think I'd be happy, losing all that weight. But in reality, I didn't know how to deal with other people, let alone myself. I had gone from a gross, fat thing to a very attractive young man and I didn't know how to deal with it. I had been used to getting teased and mocked by the hot girls and the well built jocks to getting checked out by the hot girls and getting nods of approval and compliments from the jocks. Additionally, I got treated like a pretty boy instead of a loser which was completely overwhelming, but not in a good way.
So, under all this confusion and new feelings I did what any one of my family members would have done-I turned to alcohol. Luckily by this time it was May and I was old enough to purchase as much alcohol I could possibly dream of. That's the nice thing about growing up in Ottawa, you're so close to Quebec where you can buy alcohol a year at 18, a year earlier than when you can buy alcohol in Ontario. Alcohol helped me so much-it relaxed me, and numbed my pain.
When I finally left high school and went on to University, the alcohol came more and a new friend called tobacco came along for the ride. Although I was doing well in all of my classes, I was not without my nightly entertainment of smoking and drinking. And it was pretty much a nightly occurrence, I only paused when I had an assignment or exam due. I made some friends and scored with some chicks in my first year, but these days not much has changed. I have gained confidence, but my love affair with smoking, drinking and sexual permissiveness has not changed.
Anyway, I'm sorry if I'm bringing any of you down with my dreary tale. I just wanted to show you how since losing weight my life has changed, for better or for worse. I also just wanted to mention that just because you lose the weight it doesn't mean you're guaranteed to feel better.
User Reviews
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-09-15 15:52:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
very cool.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-09-15 11:11:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shagabah_Jones (user info) at 2005-02-14 01:55:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HOW CAN A ROBOT BE FAT, YOU RETARD? ROBOTS ARE MADE COMPLETELY OUT OF METAL
Submitted by podium (user info) at 2005-02-14 01:32:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What the fuck. Assholes. You ruined my perfect 0.69 overall rating!
Submitted by transhuman (user info) at 2005-02-14 00:45:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Acarnis (user info) at 2005-02-13 15:41:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This review here deserves to be on Loren's WTF list.
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V
Submitted by Doneupandin (user info) at 2005-02-13 02:40:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Way to stay within the lines. -2 for not realizing that Iraqi children will grow up to be terrorists due to propaganda, +2 for being an asshole. Fuck the French.
Submitted by CanucksFan (user info) at 2005-01-29 20:47:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Same deal except I was just plain ugly. Now im a fox
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-01-29 20:39:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
picture?
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-01-29 14:14:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by antiLemming (user info) at 2005-01-29 05:54:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's almost my story too.
Submitted by Calios (user info) at 2005-01-29 00:45:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-01-29 00:45:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I also just wanted to mention that just because you lose the weight it doesn't mean you're guaranteed to feel better.
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a very good portrayl of emotions. and this statement is very true.
I have awful self esteem issues. in college i was down to 120 and very fit.
but when i looked in the mirror i only saw a fat ugly pig. (I was far from it!)
i hated myself so much... yet those years i as fit as i ever was.
Submitted by iHurtFeelings (user info) at 2005-01-29 00:33:21 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Hey manda, what about a sensitive, smarter than a fat person, very athletic guy? Cause that's me minus the sensitive stuff...
Submitted by sheherezade (user info) at 2005-01-29 00:17:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can sympathize.
Some people have a void in their life that they try to fill, and they don't know what it is that's missing. Unfortunately, we may try to fill that void with things that are detrimental to our health, because they temporarily numb the pain of that cavity. Food, Alcohol, tobacco, drugs, right? I've done all but the drugs.
I guess the solution would be to determine that one thing that is missing and fill the void with it- and it is certainly a different need for every individual. At the very least, maybe we could find a substitute that was *less* harmful to the body, like workaholism.
Good luck to you.
Submitted by foster (user info) at 2005-01-28 23:27:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i had the same experience. not fun.
Submitted by TheMidnight12AM (user info) at 2005-01-28 23:15:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have the opposite problem. I'm 5'11'' and 120 lbs, if I'm lucky. Haven't gained any weight since 9th grade, but I have gotten taller. Now I'm 20, and still nerdy.
Submitted by YELLOW-MAN (user info) at 2005-01-28 23:12:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2005-01-28 23:09:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I used to be fat. Still a tiny bit am, but I also have a job that is extremely labor intensive, and I bodybuild. I can relate with your pain and anguish on both sides.
Submitted by FelizJbirth (user info) at 2005-01-28 23:00:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
+2 for weight problems
-1 for it being fat instead of ridiculously skinny
I'm not saying it's easy being fat, but it's not easy being a scrawny guy either.
"Won't waste my time feeling sorry for him,
Cause I've seen the other side to being thin,
Roll us both down a mountain and I'm sure the fatman would win."
Yes, nothing like quoting Jethro Tull lyrics to drive a point home. I'm just bitter, don't mind me.
Submitted by Jo_of_the_golden_P (user info) at 2005-01-28 22:56:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-01-28 22:51:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just wanted to add something else.
I like chubby guys more than I like jocks. I think it's mostly to do with their personalities. Chubby guys are more likely to be a lot more sensitive, and they're most likely smarter.
Going by my experiences, of course.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-01-28 22:48:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Interesting.
Plus you live in Canada.
Submitted by Ed_0150 (user info) at 2005-01-28 22:32:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment