My Zippo Is Ruining My Life. (346 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.33 on 3 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Slypher (View user info) at 2005-01-29 04:23:33 EST
Concerts are funny things. On the one hand, they're a great place to get buzzed, socialize, and listen to some great music. But, on the other hand, if the particular concert you attend isn't exactly the type of music you would normally throw in your CD player, you're almost guaranteed to have a bad time.
Welcome to my life.
It sucks.
Thursday night, I'm sitting at home, when I get a call from my friend Micheal. And yes, you fags, I know "Micheal" is spelled "Michael". It's too much of a pain to type it like that, so deal with it. Micheal's a funny guy. He's one of those friends that when you go out with them, you're guaranteed to have SOME type of adventure. Whether it be good or bad is left up to the gods of fate.
He calls me, saying he has an extra ticket to this concert at the Fillmore in San Francisco. As soon as I hear the word "Fillmore", I knew I was going. It's pretty much impossible to not have a good time at the Fillmore. In case some of you haven't heard of it, it's one of the greatest music venues of all time.
So of course, having nothing better to do with my piddling little life, I agree. The band was one I've never heard of before, VNV Nation. Micheal says it's one of his favorite bands, and that they're really good. Shit. I should have cancelled right then and there. Micheal likes death metal. And industrial rock. And crazy German techno. So yeah, in hindsight, stupid idea to even consider going. But what can I say? I'm a sucker for punishment.
Micheal shows up fifteen minutes late, and we go to the show. I always feel a little bit fluttery before I go to a show. Pent-up nervousness, I guess. Dunno where the fuck THAT comes from. Anyways, we stand in line for a bit, and I immediately realize I am so out of my element it's not even funny. Well, it might be funny to you sadistic bastards, but at the time, my stomach was plummeting to my ankles. All around me, the people I rag on the most. Goths. Emos. Bondage. Fetish. Leather. PVC. Scrawny Indian guy with a sweatshirt and a sport jacket. Sounds like a party, eh?
Me and Micheal walk in and he immediately finds one of his friends to go shoot the shit with. This leaves me with jack shit to do. I thought to myself, "The drunker I get, the funner this'll be." So I sidle up to the bar with my newly-purchased fake I.D. and order a Guinness. One of those bottles with the wicked sweet Widget in the bottle. Good lord those are tasty. I pound a couple, and then the opening act starts up.
Picture this, two bald German men on a stage with two Powerbook G5's.
Got that pictured?
Now add lasers.
That's the opening act.
Party on, Wayne.
Now, I am no music racist. If something sounds good, I'll nod my head to it. And, sadly, yes, this music was catchy as hell. Just meld a bunch of rap beats together and ramp up the BPM's by around five thousand. There ya go. Due in part to inebriation and some decent beats, I was shaking my shoulders and bending my knees in the quintessential "guy" dance.
And boy, there were some hot chicks. Seems like a weird segue, doesn't it? Work with me here.
During one of the five minute long songs, I glanced to my left. DINGDINGDING!
We have a winner.
She was really, really hot. Maybe two/three inches shorter than me, a tube top dress that consisted of black and red PVC, tall black platform boots, red and black dreadlocks, and a lot of tasteful piercings. She's doing this weird kind of half-dance which basically consisted of her moving her arms and kicking out her big-ass boots.
I tried, without success, to catch her eye. Feeling dejected and lonely, due to my insane manic depressiveness, (Long story, save it for another day.) I make a beeline for the bar. I got on a first-name basis with the bartender, and she bought me a couple of rounds. Feeling like a million bucks, I immediately felt the urge to urinate. I spin to my left, with the intention of running off to the bathroom to take the wonderful drunk piss. When you stand there for three minutes on end, you really savor the feeling of alcohol pulsing in your bloodstream. But I digress.
Since God hates me, my plan was foiled. I spin up and start to walk. And who stops me but Hot Dancer Chick. Man, she looked even better in the light. She had some of those cat-eye contacts, man, holy shit...
RAWR!
Ahem.
So this is how the conversation goes.
HDC: Hi
Me: Hellooooo
HDC: Would you happen to have a light?
At this point I notice that her hotness factor has gone up at LEAST twenty points. Hanging from those luscious red lips was an 8-inch-long black enamel cigarette holder with a Marlboro Light capping it off.
SCHWING!
Me: (Muttering) Yeah hold on a sec here...
I fumble around in my pockets until my fingers finally close around my trusty Zippo.
This is where the night started to just roll downhill.
At this point, I had three options:
A.) simply give HDC the lighter and let her do it herself.
B.) light HDC's cigarette for her
C.) Try to look like Mr. Cool
OF course, I opt for C. I look deep into her six eyes, sway to the left, take the lighter and open it successfully on my jeans. So far, so good. But on the return swing, which is supposed to strike the flint, therefore lighting the lighter, I close it up again. She looks at me, I look at the lighter, expecting to see a flame. Realizing that it didn't work, I thought, hey, why not? Try again.
Same fucking thing happened.
Now I'm really fucking pissed at the god damn thing, the HDC standing in front of me all but forgotten. Third time's a charm, right? Wrong. This time, I don't close the lighter on the upswing. I actually get a big ass flint sparking up my thigh. But, of course, it's a nigh impossible circumstance where the lighter STILL doesn't fucking flame.
I look up just in time to see HDC turn around and ask, of ALL THE GOD DAMN PEOPLE WHO COULD BE AT THE BAR AT THAT TIME, my good buddy.
Micheal.
User Reviews
Submitted by Joemama (user info) at 2005-01-30 00:31:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You would have seen "her"
in the bathroom
Submitted by bush_for_god (user info) at 2005-01-29 14:08:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-01-29 13:57:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Have a plus 2 on this one so it doesnt bring down your rating