My Car Is Possessed (1447 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.75 on 42 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by AshK <alkite at gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-01-31 12:36:29 EST
For Sale
1994 Nissan Sentra
4cyl Automatic
4 door
CD player, Moon Roof, New Tires,
New Exhaust, New Plugs and Wires,
Needs Half Shafts and an Exorcist.
Yes, that's right, my car is possessed. Any doubts I once held have been dashed against the cruel rocks of the unfuckingbelievable.
Dateline Illinois, 1996
A young girl (me, me, me) two years out of high school is searching for a new ride after her old one was stolen and run head on into a concrete slab behind a T road sign. Yes, you stupid criminal, the T means turn right or left. As Michael Jackson has discovered, straight is not an option.
I was in a hurry to find a car, since my insurance paid crap per day on a rental and the rate of renting to a driver under 21 is just ugly. I went to the used car lot. The car was red, had a moon roof and started when I turned the key. Booyah, that baby was mine. Oh sweet hindsight.
For the first six months, it was heaven. I loved my car and she loved me. We did it all, smoked, drank, screwed and cruised. It was pure joy. Then the small things started.
I learned that a paper towel placed strategically in the moon roof would eliminate a wet butt when running late for work during or after a rainstorm.
I discovered that a girl is capable of changing a tire. At night. In the rain. While running late for work with a wet butt. Twice in one week.
I stopped trying to set the stations on the radio. They all reverted to 97.2, the home of God's word, every other day.
My emergency kit contained things like bailing wire and wire cutters (muffler), Vaseline (moon roof seal, yes really), motor oil (she had a leak), washer fluid (another leak) and a stress ball (self explanatory).
She held in there through two fender benders, one repo, and a boyfriend with a latex fetish. No, liquid latex does not come off grey upholstery. I repaired her, waxed her, paid her off with a loan from my grandma (to get her back from the repo man) and finally retired her when I got engaged. What to do with her was a question for the ages. It is hard to let a car that gets 36 MPG get away in these gas gouging times. But the decision was made, we would sell her.
Dateline Illinois 2003
We took out an ad and a nice young man, fresh out of high school, needed a new ride after totaling his own. I didn't ask if it was a T road. There are some things I am better off not knowing. He was strapped for cash and asked if he could give us half then and half in a month. We agreed to hold the car for him and everyone was happy. Then the call came. Our nice young man was going to fight the good fight (bad fight, stupid fight, righteous fight, go fight win) in Iraq and wouldn't be needing the car after all. Great.
Dateline Illinois early 2004
We took out another ad, and a young Hispanic woman with her three children came to check out the little red beast. The car she had been borrowing from a friend had been totaled when another car broadsided it. The other car had just run a stop sign. At a T road. I wish I were making this up. She didn't have much cash, and asked what we would accept to hold the car. She would make payments. After some discussion, and agreement was reached. She paid us $50.00 to hold the car and would make payments every two weeks from her housekeeping job. Two weeks passed with no word. Then another two weeks, and another and yet one more. When we called the number she gave us, a very angry angry Mexican told us she had been deported. No shit.
Dateline Illinois December 2004
Why oh why we took out another ad is a mystery to us all, but we did. A woman, who can only be described as "slow", came to check out the car. Her husband had been put in jail for driving under the influence. He was found driving (weaving) 80 MPH going the wrong way on a one way street and the car had been impounded. After a long drawn out conversation, during which I prayed for her to shut her damn trap, we found out it was his third DUI so his dad paid the impound fee and kept the car, which was his in the first place. After more drawn out conversation, during which I prayed harder for her tongue to fall out, a debilitating stroke or at the very least the sudden onset of laryngitis, we found out that his first arresting officer back in 99 had found his car wrapped around a sign. A T road sign.
Shenanigans me all you want, this is pure unadulterated shennaniless gans. So, you know the routine. She paid us $50.00 (it's a small town, we try to be nice to our neighbors) with a promise to pay us off this week. No problem. What could go wrong?
Of all the things we say a prayer for in jest, we never expect God to come through. I think He must be one sick fella. We got a call last week from our buyer's son. She died on Tuesday. They think it was a stroke.
I am going straight to Hell, and it looks like I will be driving a red Nissan
User Reviews
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-23 15:55:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lucky you're in the states, and I'm in Europe, otherwise my car might breed with your car, and then the human race'd be screwed right royally.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-03-09 14:18:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You sell the car yet? I need a good second car, you're close...
Read this one before and didn't rate it
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2005-10-25 16:14:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. That is weird. I am glad none of my cars have given me such eerie results. Except for the fact that I have needed repairs to 4 different vehicles from incidents involving terrain that slopes down and to the right... But that is no coincident, is it? IS IT?
I hope that car gets the "demon of the T intersection" out of its blood before you ever have kids old enough to drive/crash it.
Submitted by bush_for_god (user info) at 2005-02-19 21:50:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"As Michael Jackson has discovered, straight is not an option."
Submitted by DemonJack (user info) at 2005-02-19 21:39:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
God came through and she died of a stroke?
Bwahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
Submitted by Dannie (user info) at 2005-02-19 21:18:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-02-17 16:15:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I likes it.
I would just trade the car in at a dealer for a different car. Much easier that way.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-02-14 20:30:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2005-02-09 18:29:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
FYI...you and me, Ash...we're like soul mates, and shit. Seriously. It's already been prophesized. So...uh...What's your sign? Come here often? And..um..is your father retarded? 'Cause you sure are special!!
Whattya think of my "moves"???
yeah...the Bads is smooth.
----
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-02-09 10:18:58 (#)
Ranking: 0
Badlands: your true uber match is.............. AshK.
This was actually one of the first matches I made. (see the reviews)
Your minds are like two eels interweaving. Your inspiration is found down by quiet streams and in candle-lit rooms where in the quiet, one can hear the soft murmoring of ancient voices engulfing the soul with a smoothe, solemn strain. Your souls become detached in this place and pieces of you find the pieces of her that she keeps there in secret, away from the watchful world.
In a mystical dance, your souls will unite and caress one another both in the darkness of dreams and in the light of lucidity.
You were meant to meet. Now's the time. Don't rush it, but don't delay it either.
Bradradamus says, "it's the one that says 'Bad Muthafucka'"
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-02-02 21:48:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
GO POSSESSED CARS WOO!
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-02-02 21:33:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AHA!!!
I figured I must have missed a story or something.
"Any doubts I once held have been dashed against the cruel rocks of the unfuckingbelievable"
That's my kinda writing!
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-02-01 16:33:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Spooky. Check for blood-stains.
Just to be safe.
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2005-02-01 16:02:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great story.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-02-01 15:13:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HZRD (user info) at 2005-02-01 14:55:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ariseymour (user info) at 2005-02-01 14:37:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, good luck getting rid of it. Btw, what is a moon roof?
---
A sun roof you cant roll back (for suckers).
Man that sucks ass.
I've had $3500 worth of work put into my 1995 Volvo 960 (bought in June, costing $5,500), including new tires, new brakes, allignment, new tire rod, new wheel disc, new bottom panel, new battery, new AC sytem and a new radiator, the fucking used lemon. Anybody wanna buy a Volvo luxury sedan with 104K miles, a 6-Cd Changer and kickass system?
Submitted by ariseymour (user info) at 2005-02-01 14:37:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, good luck getting rid of it. Btw, what is a moon roof?
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-02-01 14:09:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-02-01 03:46:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Had to read before lights-out, worth it. Keep posting.
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2005-02-01 03:43:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's when your car starts projectile vomiting pea soup on you that you know you have a problem.
Great post!
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-02-01 03:43:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Whoa...
Submitted by carolrichards (user info) at 2005-02-01 03:42:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Then you should have made your payments.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-02-01 03:25:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's scary... sheer awesomeness.
But I think you'll find it's "unbefuckinglievable"...
Submitted by foster (user info) at 2005-01-31 17:44:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ill take it.
$1 and a button off a sweatshirt of mine.
Submitted by HellHound (user info) at 2005-01-31 17:33:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Maybe I just like laughing at someone else's misfortune, but that was a really entertaining read.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-01-31 15:22:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by chopper (user info) at 2005-01-31 14:51:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
36mpg because you scared of the gas "you mean petrol" will prices over here in good old blighty its 82p a litre think that equates to about 2.50 of your american dollars now thats expensive
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-01-31 14:51:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
On the upside, you've swindled $100 out of people and you still have the car.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-01-31 13:18:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-01-31 12:51:48 (#)
Ranking: 0
Jack. I thought you loved me. I thought we were a club. I thought......waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
--
Hell, I'll do whatever you want me to do. Just don't blow any blood vessels in my brain.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-01-31 13:12:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's because it's a Jap car. They are trying to take over again. First they automagically lock all the doors so you have to sit inside them. Then you get nuked.
Submitted by fluff (user info) at 2005-01-31 13:09:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
cool pic. nice story.
Submitted by L-Gizzle (user info) at 2005-01-31 12:54:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i laughed out loud after seeing the third appearance of the T intersection
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-01-31 12:51:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Wardy, behave!
Jack. I thought you loved me. I thought we were a club. I thought......waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-01-31 12:51:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's freaky.
My old car used to do that radio thing too, but it would automagically go to a country station.
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2005-01-31 12:50:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This post embodied all that a post should be.
And thank you for making the gans, shenanniless. I get gassy.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-01-31 12:49:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cars suck.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2005-01-31 12:48:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you might as well just take it to a dump and get it over with, i mean... how much can you really get for an 11 year old nissan? i'm guessing not enough to make all this worth your time and effort.
by the way, about that latex thing...
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-01-31 12:46:24 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Please don't hurt me. I'll give +2's from now on...
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2005-01-31 12:45:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Teehee.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-01-31 12:45:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Because I've had a possessed car as well..
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-01-31 12:43:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds a lot like the sidekick that I drove when I first got out of college. I sold it to a priest. Really.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-01-31 12:38:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This reminded me of the movie "Christeen" when satan takes over a car and kills people. Yeah I know you're car isn't actually satan but hey, just go with it.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-01-31 12:37:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks to:
http://home.earthlink.net/~purpleice/
for the image.