My New Start-Up Company: "Build-a-Bitch" (1319 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.89 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (View user info) at 2005-01-31 14:03:45 EST
Oh man did we have some great ideas last night. It's amazing what a little THC can do to a person. So I'm sitting there with a friend of mine, who was vehemently opposed to having his real name used, so let's just call him Paul, and we were brainstorming on an idea he had.
We'll start off with the biomedical engineering aspects of this idea, which are basic. We are well aware of the ability to clone using basic DNA. Although the process is not yet perfected, the technology is advancing rapidly making the dream of this idea a reality. This dream could materialize into our new company, called "Build-a-Bitch."
The idea is simple. This company would acquire DNA samples from beautiful women of all shapes and sizes. The women would be cloned via whatever normal cloning process. Naturally, they would be born via normal circumstances, unless artificial wombs and shit are possible, but I'm not so sure about that type of technology. Anyway, the surrogate mothers would be generously compensated. After the cloned children are born, they would essentially be trained from birth to be, well, reprogrammable.
Now, before the ladies start hating on me and calling me a chauvinist pig, let it be known that this could also be done with male clones. Ladies, imagine having your own Brad Pitt as a personal servant? Yeah, not so bad. Bear with me as I continue to use women for my post, since I am a man and it makes more sense that way.
In order for this to be even remotely legal, the company must obviously be setup in a country with a morally casual attitude to biomedical and genetic engineering and, for lack of a better word, slavery. I think India would be perfect. So anyway, the clones would essentially be Indian citizens, but then they could be brought around the world and become citizens of any other country by marrying their, um, purchaser.
Wow, this looks a lot more evil on paper than it did when we were high.
Continuing on, the training process would be relatively simple. The clones would be educated (but not too smart, lest they figure out how screwed they are) and, um, Jesus I can't find a better word than "brainwashed" to follow the orders of their, fuck, there isn't a better word for "master", is there? Well, anyways the fucking slaves would be programmed to listen to their masters.
It sounded a lot more innocent after a bong hit and a couple beers.
The idea would be to guarantee someone the perfect companion. I know it sounds like a form of slavery, but the people who purchase these perfect women would of course be very wealthy (a "Build-a-Bitch" would sell for around $10 million) and they would have to pass rigorous screening processes to ensure that they weren't psychopaths or wifebeaters. And naturally, the same laws that govern whatever country the clones are married in would apply, so they wouldn't be "slaves" at all. Of course, there probably will be a lot of ugly rich fat guys that buy Build-a-Bitches, but hopefully the training process will be able to make the clones not care.
Obviously there would be a huge amount of startup capital involved, not to mention the fact that sales couldn't even begin until the clones have matured to the proper age of 18. But basically, the customer would visit the corporate head quarters, pass the psychological, mental, and other appropriate exams for candidacy, and then would allowed to make a selection. There would be a vast majority of girls to pick from (think the line-up of Victoria Secret models - hot blondes, brunettes, red heads, various different races to pick from, a cornucopia of hot chicks!) and then, depending on how far along in the training process you wanted to go (or how long you could wait to get your Build-a-Bitch) you could request that certain things be added to your girl's training - of course, things like cooking, cleaning, and the kama sutra would come standard, however options like enjoying baseball, racecars, or D&D (because I'm sure lots of successful computer nerds will be wanting a Build-a-Bitch) could be added in for an extra charge.
Again, you must remember that there is no discrimination on the customer's end, other than the rigorous exams to keep the clones safe from shitty masters. Woman can request a man (although "Build-a-Bitch" wouldn't work, it would have to be "Design-a-dude" or "Make-a-man" or something), however I don't think it's possible to make homosexual clones unless we figure out where that gene is in the DNA structure, or we could just clone lesbians and gay men but I don't think the gay customers would be happy with Rosie O'Donnell and Elton John clones.
I'll be taking orders as soon as I can get some venture capitalist interested.
Hmm, I think this post is clear evidence of how fucking sick I am of the dating scene.
User Reviews
Submitted by Satansgotsyphillis (user info) at 2005-03-14 12:30:48 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
i just want to see if you'll threaten to find my address and kick my ass. that would be hilarious
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-02-09 17:25:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.realdoll.com
All the good parts that you refer to, with none of the bad parts (like talking).
Submitted by Katastrofadark (user info) at 2005-02-04 15:47:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The perfect man is a hell of a nice idea.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-02-01 11:22:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thaumaturge (user info) at 2005-01-31 16:07:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
Who needs ethics when you could get your own Bea Arthur/Nell Carter hybrid?
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<wipes a mixture of coffee and vomit off the monitor>
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-02-01 11:20:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why has this slipped from the most recently reviewed. It quite clearly belongs there.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-02-01 11:07:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-01-31 15:19:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought of something like this once except it involved them having beer kegs installed in their stomachs.
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where would the beer come out of?... oooooooh gotcha ;)
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-02-01 11:01:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-02-01 10:43:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I happen to have a suitcase with 10 Million dollars in it
I'll take a Heidi Klum on my desk by Thurday.
Submitted by Millie_Grace (user info) at 2005-01-31 19:43:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking hysterical...and well thought out. but what
would you do with the unruley ones or the ones whos
cloning took a turn for the worse? half price? put
them on the corner? either way good business venture.
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2005-01-31 18:22:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For the record, I love my girlfriend very much.
But...plus 2 for a killer, if not so moral, idea.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2005-01-31 17:31:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-01-31 16:26:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking classic.
I especially loved this ine:
"of course, things like cooking, cleaning, and the kama sutra would come standard"
HAHAHAHAHAH
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2005-01-31 16:12:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by wanderingsharps (user info) at 2005-01-31 16:10:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
omm- it's kinda like cloning flies...
there is ahell of lot of them already.
why make more?
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I wish your parents asked that same qeustion when they considered conceiving you.
Submitted by wanderingsharps (user info) at 2005-01-31 16:10:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
omm- it's kinda like cloning flies...
there is ahell of lot of them already.
why make more?
Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2005-01-31 16:10:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just want anyone else to share my cave with.....anyone?
Submitted by thaumaturge (user info) at 2005-01-31 16:07:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Who needs ethics when you could get your own Bea Arthur/Nell Carter hybrid?
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-01-31 15:57:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-01-31 14:52:43 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-01-31 14:09:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
wow...what an idea.
only if it were possible...
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This really is possible. I mean, maybe not the cross breeding of different girls or anything, but if you could get a DNA sample from Jessica Alba (not sure if a strand of hair is enough, perhaps a finger nail or some saliva, I guess you'd have to make out with her first which at that point you wouldn't even need the cloning) then you could clone her.
They've already cloned cats and shit (this was a year ago: http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2004/03/0324_040324_catclones.html) so I'm relatively sure human clones are very possible. I mean shit, if you could clone Jessica Alba, you probably don't even need to train her, you just need to wait 18 years!
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i meant morally and ethically.
but since i don't give a fuck, sign me up. i'll call you boss and bring you cofffee..a.ll i ask for is a demo of J. alba.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-01-31 15:24:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are a sick sick man.
I like it a lot.
-Dave
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-01-31 15:19:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought of something like this once except it involved them having beer kegs installed in their stomachs.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-01-31 14:52:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-01-31 14:09:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
wow...what an idea.
only if it were possible...
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This really is possible. I mean, maybe not the cross breeding of different girls or anything, but if you could get a DNA sample from Jessica Alba (not sure if a strand of hair is enough, perhaps a finger nail or some saliva, I guess you'd have to make out with her first which at that point you wouldn't even need the cloning) then you could clone her.
They've already cloned cats and shit (this was a year ago: http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2004/03/0324_040324_catclones.html) so I'm relatively sure human clones are very possible. I mean shit, if you could clone Jessica Alba, you probably don't even need to train her, you just need to wait 18 years!
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-01-31 14:35:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're definitely right--this probably sounds a lot more friendly when stoned.
Submitted by MaximusPadus (user info) at 2005-01-31 14:26:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/58129
928903
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2005-01-31 14:22:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll take the natalie portman model.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-01-31 14:22:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-01-31 14:21:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-01-31 14:16:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-01-31 14:15:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2005-01-31 14:13:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
India is the solution to all problems
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-01-31 14:13:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm in. How much scratch do you need? Remember, I'm loaded.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-01-31 14:13:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i'll take 2
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-01-31 14:10:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this would be an interesting subject to raise in my bioethics grad class...
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-01-31 14:09:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking sweet idea.
you could buy an island and create your own country to do that, and make whatever laws you want.
if you happen to be hiring biomedical engineers for buildabitch, please put me first on the list.
i could have a jessica alba who can play hockey like bobby orr, and have the sex drive of jenna jameson.
and be as faithful as a labrador retriever.
wow...what an idea.
only if it were possible...
Submitted by L-Gizzle (user info) at 2005-01-31 14:08:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
mmmm.....yes