The Big Tymers -- Part 1 (419 hits)
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Submitted by toucan sam (View user info) at 2005-02-01 10:44:25 EST
Elmo slammed the van door shut and fidget with the wires below the steering wheel until the van roared to life.
"You know, we could've just taken my car," Brad chimed from the passenger seat, and tossed another corn nut into his mouth.
"If we hadn't taken my car, then I couldn't eat my sandwich and you wouldn't be eating those salty nuts," Elmo flipped the van into drive and it rumbled out of the driveway.
"That upholstery is expensive to clean, and I know you're not going to pay for it."
"Of course not. I shouldn't have had to pay for it the first time."
"You spilled a gallon of fish excrements on it," Brad twisted in his seat and buckled his seat belt before they pulled out onto the highway.
"Okay, okay. Let's not argue. It's another eighteen hours to Pensacola. Just give me your lighter and let's listen to some music."
"Excuse me?"
"Your lighter, I want to smoke. And I forgot my lighter in your apartment," Elmo held his hand out and looked up at Brad.
Brad stared back at him. He'd met Elmo in college, and they'd been loosely inseparable ever since. They never exchanged numbers or addresses, Elmo always just seemed to show up at Brad's whenever it was convenient for Elmo. Brad pulled his thick brown hair back and put on his favorite ball cap and looked back out the window, "Sorry Elmo, forgot my lighter. You should quit though, it isn't good for you."
Elmo shifted in his seat, "C'mon dude. I know you carry around that gold lighter you got from your dad when you graduated from college."
"It was when my grandfather died."
"Right, whatever. Shit man, can I just have it?"
"I told you already, I don't have it with me. Besides, why don't you just use the car lighter?"
"Can't."
"Why not?"
"You don't want to know."
Brad paused, apprehensive about prying, "What's wrong with it?"
Elmo clipped his seat belt in and turned to Brad, "It's rusted through slightly at the base, so if I push it in, it pushes through straight to the engine. Right behind it is the fuel hose," he smiled and turned up the radio.
Van Halen blared as the van soared down I-90.
"So what about that lighter?"
"I told you I don't have it."
"Okay fine, I'll use the car lighter. I've done it once before, I don't think anything will happen," Elmo slowly reached forward and began to push in the small, metal knob.
"Wait! Okay wait. It's in my bag. We can get it out next time we stop for gas," Brad fidgeted and removed a small matchbook from his pants pocket, "Here, use these for now."
"I don't use matches for cigarettes," Elmo looked back down the long highway and leaned his head against the worn headrest.
"Why not?"
"I don't like them."
"Why?"
"Because I had a bad experience with one once."
"What happened?"
The van roared down the highway, kicking up the browned leaves on the shoulder. The sky was getting gray and the bright yellow van rumbled along, passing those cars that were heading downtown on their morning work routes.
"Do you really want to know?"
"I wouldn't have asked if I didn't."
Elmo changed lanes and cut off a semi, "Okay, so here's the deal. I'm doing a job up in Plattesville, nothing major, just a quick safe cracking and I should be out in under an hour. I get to the house, one of those old-Bavarian styled ones with the white and brown lattice work. I pull the slip of paper out of my pocket and double check to make sure I'm at the right place."
"What're you stealing?"
"Doesn't matter."
"Yes it does. It'll help me visualize what you're carrying, what kind of house it is, all that sort of stuff. This is an important detail to the story."
"Fine, it was a four karat pink diamond incrusted in white gold. And I already told you what kind of house it is. Fuck it, whatever. I hop the gate and go around back, the family is supposed to be on holiday in Bermuda, so I make quick work of breaking the handle off the door and walk right into shit."
"Shit?"
"Yeah, shit. They've got a dog, and whoever was supposed to take care of this fucking thing hadn't been. And because someone hadn't been doing their job, I got a foot full o shit."
"That sucks. But what about that matches?"
"Hang on. So I fucking go upstairs to the den or office, whatever it is rich white fucks call the place they go to instead of banging their wives. I pull out the file cabinet, and of course there's my pay dirt. Only instead of being a Stanley Full Steel Model 331, I'm staring at a Huber Titanium 2000."
"Fuck, did you leave?"
"Do you have any idea what the value of that diamond was? I'll tell you. In the neighborhood of two million dollars. My cut of that? Three hundred and fifty thousand. I was thinking retirement. I pull out my tools and start to make quick work of the lock," Elmo raked his hand through his long blonde hair and looked back at Brad.
"You can't make quick work on a Huber."
"Obviously. So I'm busy cracking the safe, and who do you think walks into the den?"
"The dog?"
"No, worse. The goddamned dog-sitting house sitter. This fucking guy is in his underwear and just looks at me for a solid minute. I'm sweating bullets now, because I don't bring guns to jobs, they just lead to bad things."
"Right, right. Makes sense. So what'd he do?"
"Well that was the fuck of things, he's standing there, draped in Jockeys and a bottle of whiskey and asks, 'Got a match?' to which I have to say no. He then proceeds to try and make his way for the desk, but is too drunk and fucking passes out and falls right in front of me. Out cold."
"And that's why you don't use matches?"
"Hey, if I would've had matches he'd have found a reason not to pass out."
Brad looked out the window at the elm trees whizzing by, the oranges and browns colliding with one another into a hazed blur. He looked back at Elmo, "That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard."
"Just let me use the lighter."
"No. You can get one when we stop for gas."
User Reviews
Submitted by toucan_sam (user info) at 2006-04-04 22:59:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
forgot about this... i really need to post more often...
Submitted by Thirty_Four_Eggs (user info) at 2005-03-17 13:03:17 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
your a faggot
Submitted by Ed_0150 (user info) at 2005-02-02 00:50:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-02-01 11:21:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My only problem so far is that most safe crackers aren't college grads, but I will give you a plus 2 anyway since it is only part one, and i am sure you will explain later.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-02-01 11:06:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
excellent
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2005-02-01 10:52:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
so this is wierd. you post something with the name elmo in it the same day i post something about the sesame street character elmo.
but this was a pretty cool start to something -- hopefully.
Submitted by wtf_is_going_on (user info) at 2005-02-01 10:52:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Just give him the damn lighter!