How To Avoid a Fistfight and Yet Completely Demoralize the Aggressor.... (1341 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.29 on 47 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Donitsu (View user info) at 2005-02-01 13:13:17 EST
First and foremost I'd like to apologize to all parties involved but I'd like to make a special shout out to my pride and heterosexuality, thanks for not being there when I needed you.
Every day after work, I make the long trip to the wonderland known as Burger King. A land the female cashiers have more hair on their chest and arms than I do, a place where the management is so incompetent it rivals that of the US government, a place where the daily geriatrics convention starts at around 12 and ends at around 12:30.
The home of the Whopper indeed.
As I walked into this wonderland of deep fried hamburgers and grease, I noticed something different there seemed to be an entire football team of ambigiously gay duo Ace and Gary proportions.
Shrugging this off I ordered my Double whopper double the beef with a side of salad and a Diet coke walked to my table and proceeded to feast on my deliciously heart-attack-increasing burger.
Scanning the restaurant I noticed the geriatrics convention was still there and Erminy was there, still looking her finest... one sweet piece of ass, she's only 50 years older than me after all Age is Just a Number.... right? Right?
Anyways, I happened to look at the jocks at the table towards the left of me. Now, usually a "Good Game" (a gratuitous pat on the rear end, a type of foreplay for these monoliths of men) doesn't scare me that much, but when somebody good games their "friend" with what appears full insertion, I have this odd tendency to make a shocked look.
Apparently they noticed, maybe it was my gasp or the fact I said "holy shit" real loud. I'm thinking it was the look on my face that got their attention.
So, four of them started walking very menacingly in my general direction. Instead of my normal reaction, which was to run like a pussy and hide for a few hours until they leave and then tell my boss I was late because my dog ate my tire. Today, none of that came to me, until at very last.. they said just what I was dreading...
Jock 1: You got a problem with us, guy?
*brain- figure out something!! NOW!*
Me: no, not at all
*brain- By Jove I think he's Got it!*
Jock 2: Bull shit, we heard what you said. You have anything to back it up?
*putting on my best gay voice*
Me: Guyssss Now would you want a hate crime on your record?
Jock 3: Lookit Fag, We'll pound the hell out of you if you say shit about us again
Me: Really?! That sounds fun, I'm a Power bottom I'll have you know..
Jock 1: What the fuck...
Me: You look like a strong sexy man, lets go out sometime
With that, I hugged #1 and kicked my leg back trying to act as ridiculously homosexual as possible. I also gave him my number, in case he wanted to call me.
All four of them exchanged shocked looks and Jock #1 pushed me off of him as the rest walked away, disgusted and shamed.
As it all worked out Jock #1's name is Matt, he goes to college in NH and he called me up later on that night.
I think he likes me.
User Reviews
Submitted by Doneupandin (user info) at 2005-02-09 12:10:11 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Faggot
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2005-02-01 21:08:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2005-02-01 18:39:28 (#)
Ranking: 1
Nice work.
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Danke
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2005-02-01 18:39:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Nice work.
Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2005-02-01 17:02:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-02-01 16:49:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2005-02-01 16:41:24 (#)
Ranking: 0
Avals...are you matt the football player?
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The who to the where now?!
Where I'm from, we don't recognize football; we play soccer and we're damn proud of it!
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-02-01 16:44:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
But I'm hungry! I cooked my second sock on your CPU and ate it yesterday; now I'm starving and out of clothes to eat.
Hold on while I get my tent out of the storage room and pitch it on this post...
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2005-02-01 16:41:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Avals...are you matt the football player?
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2005-02-01 16:39:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Avals, shut up and get back to my room where you belong!
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-02-01 16:37:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't mind mystia, she's just jealous of our pure, unselfish love, and of the sweet, sweaty love we're going to make behind the dumpster of Fred's liquor store.
What?
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2005-02-01 16:37:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Lies!!
NUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2005-02-01 16:34:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2005-02-01 16:32:06 (#)
Ranking: 1
fuck you, homo
where's uber wars??!!!!!!
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I replied about it on Uber Wars, I'm frikkin super busy I threw this up on my break. I've been working on it and i'm definitely gonna have it up soon enough its such a large project though.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2005-02-01 16:32:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
fuck you, homo
where's uber wars??!!!!!!
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-02-01 16:28:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"Sweet, you are a man right?"
Purely in theory, my friend. Purely in theory.
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2005-02-01 16:27:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-02-01 16:24:45 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2005-02-01 15:06:33 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-02-01 14:13:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey sexy. What are you doing later tonight?
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you
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Wow! That's ... that's pretty cool.
Bring booze and protection.
Don't be late.
I'll be waiting...
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Sweet, you are a man right?
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-02-01 16:24:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2005-02-01 15:06:33 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-02-01 14:13:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey sexy. What are you doing later tonight?
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you
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Wow! That's ... that's pretty cool.
Bring booze and protection.
Don't be late.
I'll be waiting...
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-02-01 16:00:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2005-02-01 15:06:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-02-01 14:13:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey sexy. What are you doing later tonight?
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you
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2005-02-01 14:14:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-02-01 14:12:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah, I miss the doorman days.... I used this psyche trick too. This won't work on people who have done federal time tho; they ain't afraid. They'll fight for the integrity of their assholes!
Next time a goof approaches you, try yelling "NO you cannot suck my COCK! Help! Gay Prostitute! This guy is DRUNK and SOLICITING SEX from me! Help!". Stick to your guns! A huge crowd will form to help you & laugh at your assailant!
GAY PROSTITUTE!
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haha, awesome
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-02-01 14:13:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey sexy. What are you doing later tonight?
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-02-01 14:12:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah, I miss the doorman days.... I used this psyche trick too. This won't work on people who have done federal time tho; they ain't afraid. They'll fight for the integrity of their assholes!
Next time a goof approaches you, try yelling "NO you cannot suck my COCK! Help! Gay Prostitute! This guy is DRUNK and SOLICITING SEX from me! Help!". Stick to your guns! A huge crowd will form to help you & laugh at your assailant!
GAY PROSTITUTE!
Submitted by big_wigger (user info) at 2005-02-01 14:07:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Burger Queen is more like it! Har De Har Har!! ROFL!!!!!@@@!!!
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2005-02-01 14:02:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2005-02-01 13:59:18 (#)
Ranking: 1
ATTN GHEY DONITSU?
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I sure hope not
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2005-02-01 13:59:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
ATTN GHEY DONITSU?
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-02-01 13:54:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-02-01 13:31:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
So was that salad that you ordered tossed?
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2005-02-01 13:54:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-02-01 13:52:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
Touché. But don't touché me.
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you sure? matt sure liked it.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-02-01 13:52:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Touché. But don't touché me.
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2005-02-01 13:50:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-02-01 13:47:47 (#)
Ranking: 1
+2 material, but dude--the run-ons! Gotta take off 1 for that
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I wrote it in the 10 minutes I had on my lunch break when I got back from BK.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-02-01 13:47:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
+2 material, but dude--the run-ons! Gotta take off 1 for that
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2005-02-01 13:46:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-02-01 13:45:02 (#)
Ranking: 1
No acting needed on your part.
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True, i've always wondered why it came so natural to me.
Submitted by wanderingsharps (user info) at 2005-02-01 13:45:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
not bad...
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-02-01 13:45:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No acting needed on your part.
Submitted by hungovermondays (user info) at 2005-02-01 13:43:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
good work
Submitted by L-Gizzle (user info) at 2005-02-01 13:40:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2005-02-01 13:39:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-02-01 13:37:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
chock full of gheygoodness
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2005-02-01 13:36:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-02-01 13:31:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
So was that salad that you ordered tossed?
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Well, it's a greek salad... but it should've been tossed.
Submitted by lokee (user info) at 2005-02-01 13:34:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by lokee (user info) at 2005-02-01 13:21:17 (#)
Ranking: 0
so are you gay or not?
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Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2005-02-01 13:21:59 (#)
Ranking: 0
for you baby, I could be.
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That will get you a +ve.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-02-01 13:31:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So was that salad that you ordered tossed?
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-02-01 13:29:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-02-01 13:26:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Score one for team Manmeat.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-02-01 13:26:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Way to go! You really took one for the team!
And by "for," of course, I really mean, "from."
Submitted by Nator (user info) at 2005-02-01 13:24:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So you swallowed... your pride.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-02-01 13:23:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Keep your hands off Matt, he's mine. He plays for the Wildcats, and he's a Wildcat in bed. Mirow.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-02-01 13:22:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you really saved the ghey!
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2005-02-01 13:21:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by lokee (user info) at 2005-02-01 13:21:17 (#)
Ranking: 0
so are you gay or not?
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for you baby, I could be.
Submitted by lokee (user info) at 2005-02-01 13:21:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
so are you gay or not?
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2005-02-01 13:18:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
way to go, gheyboy