I Volunteer To Be An Asshole (1331 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.92 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Lechuga (View user info) at 2005-02-01 16:38:04 EST
This past fall semester, (and some of this one) I volunteered at the UMass Annual Fund, which is a respectable organization that raises money for the academic activates that go on around campus. There are two types of people that work there: the volunteers, who go there for nine hours a week and call Alumni and ask them for donations, and the other type of people are the people who get paid for it, and do a much better job than us volunteers.
I only volunteer there for one reason: Free credits. Three of them. An average class at UMass is three credits, and just for volunteering there, I get those credits at the end of the semester. So I get 18 total credits, when I would normally only receive 15.
Free shit rocks, right? I thought so. So, I did my job, and raised a shitload of money for the University and didn't fuck around too much. All the volunteers were assholes for the most part, and they generally were dumbass senior jocks not wanting to spend a 5th year at school, 17 year old freshmen hell-bent on graduating in three years with a degree in business management, and extremely lazy people who only take three classes, have only 9 credits for class, and the three credits from the annual fund keep them above the 12 credit mark, which determines housing, financial aid, etc. But, I made some good friends with the paid employees and supervisors.
This semester was different, however. All my friends were gone onto better jobs, and anxious, introverted, anti-social assholes were put in their places. Essentially, I was sitting alone, in a corner, doing nothing but talking to snobby old Doctors, Attorneys, and Chemical Engineers who are richer than they would like to let on, yet they refuse to donate any money.
This is when I came up with the idea to spice up my volunteer work. I figured that if I had no one to talk to, and couldn't go on the Internet, I must find ways to entertain myself. I decided that the only way to entertain myself, excluding masturbating, was to talk to my callees. In an extremely fucked up way. A no good, very bad, way.
I have a small, digital recorder that I use to pick up my acoustic guitar when I want to use music software on my computer. This is very sensitive, and very small, so I had no trouble placing it in my ear to eavesdrop on my own conversation. I started off slow, not wanting to fuck around too much, and towards the end, I pulled out all the stops as I got better at it. Conversations are written as they were said on the phone. Names and locations have been changed.
This guy has a Master's in Political Science, and graduated in 1969.
Justin: Hello can I speak to David Midget please?
David Midget: Speaking. (Sounds like a 60 year-old tax attorney with strong, bible thumping ambitions.)
J: Hi David, my name is Justin, and I am calling on behalf of the University of Massachusetts Amherst Annual fund. The purpose of this call is to update some information, tell you a little bit about what's going on around the University, and tell you a little bit about the annual fund.
(The conversation is the same with every call until I get to the point where I tell them about University events)
...
..
.
J: Well sir, we'd love to invite you back to campus, there's a few new establishments that have gone up all over campus that you might want to be interested in visiting.
DM: Oh really, what are they?
J: Well, there is a restaurant/Club called "Cipher" that is a very popular hangout with everyone on campus. They have a bar for the 21 year olds, a VIP area, and exotic dancers who give private dances. It's a student-run business, with all student employees.
DM: Even the exotic dancers?
J: Yes.
DM: That can't be true.
J: Sir, I assure you, it's very true. Students who are welcomed at the door are encouraged to apply for jobs as dancers.
DM: I don't buy into this. I don't like the objectification of women, and I CERTAINLY would never visit such an establishment. Goodbye.
J: Come on sir, you mean to tell me you don't want large, 18 year old jugs bouncing in you face? It's only a $5 cover! Sir? *click*
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This guy is an Economics Major who graduated in 1995. Most of these people are uptight assholes, at least the ones I've met so far. I was going to play the "Stop calling me Chief" game.
J: Hi, can I speak to Tom Kedis please?
*Rapport, where I call him chief a total of 12 times*
J: Well Chief, there's a ton of stuff going on here, and we'd like to invite you back to come see a basketball game or something. You like basketball, Chief?
TK: Uh, yeah, basketball's good.
J: You like the Celtics, Chief?
TK: Yeah, they're fun to watch.
J: Well, we have a new arena similar to the FleetCenter, where basketball and hockey games are held. You know what I'm talking about, chief?
(This goes on for about 29 more "chiefs")
J: Well, Chief, I'm gonna get to the bottom line of this here phone call. Yes, we are asking for a bit of money, you get me chief? Anyway, what all this money does is helps out the economics department by buying new computers, desks, and supplies. So basically, what we're asking you to do is make any sort of financial contribution to the economics department, or anywhere else on campus. Think you wanna do that tonight, Chief? (So far, I've called him chief over 50 times, and he's getting pretty pissed about it)
TK: Yeah, I'll make a financial contribution.
J: Alright, excellent, thanks chief, we'll send you something to fill out. Just fill it out and get it back to us within a couple weeks, alright chief?
TK: Yeah, um, I have a question though.
J: What is it, Chief?
TK: Why do you insist on calling me chief every 5 seconds? It's really quite annoying. Seriously, I deal with assholes on a daily basis, I don't need more calling me on the phone.
J: Sorry Chief, it's just how I call. Now what department do you wish to donate to? *Click*
J: Chief? You there? Chief?
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This guy is a Chemical Engineer who graduated in 1991 and who never gives money.
J: Hi, can I speak to Michael Donahue please?
*Rapport*
J: So there are a bunch of new things going on around campus, we're fixing the Library's water-damaged foundation, we added a new wing onto the School of Management, and the Skinner testicular research center is fully operational--
MD: Wait, the what?
J: The New Skinner Testicular Research facility, it's going up right near Conte Hall and Northeast, I'm very pleased with some of the results.
MD: You personally?
J: The main reason I'm going here is so I can be experimented upon. The doctors say that my condition is terminal. But I'm very sensitive about it; I'd rather not talk about it.
MD: Well wait, you're only going to school there so you can get free treatment? That seems kind of selfish.
J: (louder) I'm going to die if I don't get treatment, and I don't need you to tell me what's selfish or not! Imagine, if you will, your left nut being the size of an orange because of a tumor that just won't go away. Imagine trying to hook up with girls in that condition. I just need to get laid!
MD: I'm sorry; I didn't realize that you were in such pain--
J: (Nearly shouting) I am in pain, and people like you only make it worse! (Sobbing) I've got nothing left in my life, so you can go back to your multimillion-dollar house and expensive car, while I sit here and die. Goodbye sir.
MD: I'm sorry, I didn't-- *click*
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I made this call with a thick, Indian accent, like Apu from The Simpsons.
This woman has a B.A. in Social Thought and Political Economy, and graduated in 1984.
J: Ahlow? May please speek to... uh, Cah-ther-ine Hay-den-brook please?
CH: This is she.
J: Aaah, ah ha! Mai naam is Sanjeeb, and I am calling at the center of telephones from UMass Amherst.
CH: Okay.
*Rapport, with her barely following my thick gibberish*
J: Well, I see that you have a Degree here from us, are you using it for a job in your feeld? I only pray to Vishnu that I may have the same fortune as some other people I have telephoned with. It is veddy exciting.
CH: Well, I have a job at a large government-run accounting firm, where my husband and I--
J: Ahh, you have a husband! Praise Vishnu, for you are smiled upon. I am sure your children must be veddy happy.
CH: I don't have any children.
J: No children?
CH: My husband and I don't want any.
J: AAH! You do not have children, you must have a veddy laage family, it is the Indian way!
CH: I'm not Indian--
J: It does not matter, Vishnu rewards you tenfold for every child you have. I am only 18 and have 6 of my own. Vishnu smiles upon me!
CH: Ok, I have to hang up now, this is clearly a joke. *click*
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I made this call with a dead-on impression of Bobby Boucher from "The Waterboy."
This guy graduated with a Master's in Philosophy and Psychology WAY back in 1956.
J: Ye- ye- yes, h- h- hi, mah name ithh Ba- Ba- Bobby Boucher, and I'm calling from, from, from the UMathh Annual f- f- fund. Ca- ca- can ah speak to Wi- Wi- William C- C- Conte please?
WC: Uh, speaking. Who is this again?
J: Ba- Bobby Boucher, from the U- U- U- UMass Annual Fund.
*Rapport, with my lisp getting worse as the conversation goes on*
J: Now, ah see that you have a m- ma- mas-ter's degree in fi-fil-os-i-fee and suh- suh- sy-col-uh-nee.
WC: That's Psychology.
J: Oh, I'm so terribly sorry, mah- mah- mah mama always said dat you gots ta sound out tha words, but I never listen. Did yo mama teach you that too?
WC: Uh, yes, but could we move along? I don't have a lot of time to talk.
J: Ahm sarry, ahm sarry, mah- mah mama always said gets to tha point Bahbbay, people don't likes to be talked to 'bout nonsense now do ya?
WC: Right.
J: Wah- Waht do you use your degrees for sir? D- d- d- do ya have a b- b- boat that you go on? Mah- Mama said dat if ah goes to dis here expensive schoo, dat I can have a big boat like you one d- d- day.
WC: I don't have a boat, now either get to the point or I'm hanging up.
J: Oh please don't hang up mista Wi-William! Ah promise I gets to th- the point now... B- but I was wonderin', do y'alls people here like to use bug spray? Back home ma- ma- Mama put that on my neck and ar- arms, but sh- she lifted up mah shirt and rubbed it all ovah mah chest. An- An I says to mah mama "Ma- Mama, da 'skeeters don't bite m- me there," but you know Mama! She did it for m- m- my own good!
WC: *click*
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This girl graduated in 2002 with a B.A. in English Literature. She lives about a fifteen-minute drive from where I live when I'm not going to school, so I had something special for her. No accents, no fucking around, I was out to get laid on this call.
J: Hi, can I speak to Jennifer Chen please?
JC: This is her, who's this?
J: My name's Justin and I'm calling from the UMass annual fund. I see that you live in Hudson, I live in Southborough, did you go to Hudson High?
JC: Yeah, it was a good time.
*Rapport, with several instances of me giving her signals of flirting. She eventually caught on*
J: Well, what are you doing with your degree, anything . . . interesting?
JC: *giggle* Well, I'm sort of between jobs right now, and I'm living at home. I'm not really into getting a job yet, so I've been doing retail and stuff.
J: Wow, really? Do you go to the Solomon Pond Mall a lot?
JC: Yeah, I work at Aldo, it's really boring.
J: Well, I'll have to come by and visit you then, because I go there all the time. (I really don't)
JC: *sexual giggle* Mm, okay, you sound pretty cool! (Based off of what?)
J: Well, I'll be honest with you, do you have a boyfriend?
JC: Um, well, Uh, no, I'm kind of in between boyfriends right now, I just hook up with people and stuff for now.
J: Ooh, that sounds good. Do you ever do it with people you work with?
JC: Well, no, I haven't in a long time, I've hit kind of a dry spell as of late.
J: Aww, that sucks. Hey, you'll get one, trust me.
JC: Can I have your number? I'll give you a call over Spring break, and we can hang or something?
J: Sure. It's 508-***-**04. Give me a call.
JC: Ok. Oh, crap, my chicken wings are here. I gotta eat, I get these every day. I gotta go, I'll call ya! *click*
Oh shit. Uber, I have ensnared a fatty. What do I say when she calls? What do I do?
Ah, fuck it. I'll just reprise my role as Sanjeeb from the center of telephones.
User Reviews
Submitted by aerodynamically.curvaceous (user info) at 2005-10-17 18:38:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Comment.
Submitted by fried-green-potatoes (user info) at 2005-07-24 19:09:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
damn funny!
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-07-24 18:36:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-04-29 08:27:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Centre of telephones, he he he... the asians in other departments I talk to everyday at work keep asking me to "do the needful". I have no idea what that means.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-03-26 12:32:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is very funny!
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-03-26 12:01:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha! This is what I'll be doing in two weeks where I work.
It fucking sucks.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2005-02-09 18:28:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm in training at a new job and we had to role play today. That whole "smiled upon" routine had me cracking up all day, so I stole your bit. (Hope you don't mind) You should hear Apu call in for a loan request. It's really quite amusing. Keep up the good work.
- E
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2005-02-09 09:30:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Go For it, DJ. In fact, if you want me to do it for you, let me know. Sanjeeb and Vishnu will pay her a visit.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-02-09 06:24:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I fancy my ex.
Think I should call her as Sanjeeb?
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2005-02-08 21:11:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm going to ignore "activates" and hand you a +2
Heh
The "stop calling me cheif" game. I know it all too well.
Great stuff.
PS, if TV has taught me anything, it's that the only fat asian people are sumo wrestlers, everyone else is rail thin.
Submitted by EbolaMay (user info) at 2005-02-08 17:43:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, if Jen Chen is *REALLY* asian, then the odds of her being fat are pretty slim. Tackle that head first...Chief.
Submitted by bossk (user info) at 2005-02-08 17:04:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, you're going to be pissed if she's a super hot chick who also likes to eat wings. That's like, nirvana. Even Vishnu would hit that.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-02-02 08:21:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
pwesome!
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-02-02 08:11:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is hilarious.
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2005-02-01 22:53:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
All hail Sanjeeb!!
Submitted by PWNstar (user info) at 2005-02-01 22:35:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
hey, fat chicks need loving too. You put yourself in front of that train, now you're going to have to get run over. sorry.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-02-01 20:40:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-02-01 20:38:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2005-02-01 18:30:29 (#)
Ranking: 0
I'll have to take you up on that Shlongy, but send me 4.95 to help with shipping when I send you my information.
You think so, eh? Fuck off, ya cheap bastard.
(Free lesson #1)
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-02-01 20:26:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't even have time to read this all.
Plus Sexing Two!
Submitted by drfeggphd (user info) at 2005-02-01 19:28:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
a couple of buddies of mine always called everyone chief. that bit did it for me.
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2005-02-01 18:30:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'll have to take you up on that Shlongy, but send me 4.95 to help with shipping when I send you my information.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-02-01 18:07:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If you need any lessons or assistance, look me up.
For $100 an hour, I can have you hated by literally millions in about 45 minutes.
Let me know.
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2005-02-01 17:58:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Mike: Yes I would absolutely reccommend it. We're the largest research institution in New England, and having credits from here shows up big on a resume. Which is why I'm here.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2005-02-01 17:54:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool. I'm aiming to do a year of my degree at UMass Amherst, would you reccommend it?
Submitted by wanderingsharps (user info) at 2005-02-01 17:38:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ha ha ha.
love it.
support the assholes in thsi world
if only there was a +4...
but I guess that would get out of hand.
good luck with the fatty.
bring some flour...
Submitted by Eggbert (user info) at 2005-02-01 17:28:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff.
Submitted by Kazzerax (user info) at 2005-02-01 17:20:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked SanJeeb and Bobby.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-02-01 17:18:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2005-02-01 17:14:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
So much more exploitable potential there.
Submitted by okokididitbutiwasdrunk (user info) at 2005-02-01 17:12:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
for enlarged testicle
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2005-02-01 16:56:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHA... funny shite.